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My ex and I had been together almost ten years. I am 27 and he is 28 years old. My ex and I had a “good” breakup which is being harder on me because I love him truly and I notice that more than a boyfriend at the time he was and still acts like my best friend although is now distant because he wants me to get over the breakup. We were together ten years and instead of proposing he gave up on the relationship. He never knew what he wanted in life despite my attempts to figure this out so that we can meet each others wants and needs. Once I was distant because I found a job in another country he said that he felt like he had grown tired of the relationship and that he did not feel for me as much as he had in the past and that he rather end things now before any more serious commitments came along. I am devastated. He changed completely as a person I feel as if I do not know who he is anymore. All of a sudden, he says that what he wants to do with his life is travel the world, meet new people and have fun and not engage into the normal date, work, marry, have kids lifestyle. Since this was so sudden I do not know if he is sure of what he wants and is saying and I feel like he is backing away since things between us were finally falling into place and getting more serious. What should I do, I feel hopeless. I know i did not deserve this, when we were together we were serious about the relationship and he feels bad that I am suffering and that in the end he hurt me because he never had the intention too. I feel as if over the years I have grown to love him more and more and it is the saddest thing having to let go of the thing that made most sense in your life. What should I do? I feel so sad, nothing makes sense anymore.
Hey, @aken
First of all, I am extremely sorry for your situation – 10 years!! It’s a bless and a sin: you have better chances of getting him back, but your pain must be practically unbearable! :/
Since you are the woman and he is a guy and you said that he never knew what HE wanted in life but YOU were always attempting to figure it out, I started picturing him as kind of a immature guy, while you, as ‘his mom’. Please, correct me if I’m wrong at this point.
This whole thing of ‘I wanna travel, see the world…’ sounds very very vague, like someone who has no clue of future, ambitious, goals; someone who is almost bored. Trying new things maybe give him a reason to live, make his heart beats fast. Or maybe he’ll realise that he had all (nice and longing relationship) and that the world ‘outside’ is too scary.
In both situations, I really think you should give him space, choice. Just leave him. Pushing/guiding him is only gonna make him go further from you.
In the meanwhile, try to rebuild yourself (again: it must be really tough for you! 10 f**** years! :/): go see your friends, reconnect with family, hobbies, gym, etc.
I think he might contact you. Even if he doesn’t, reach him after the period of him experimenting the world without you. Cause remember: he will go through the same as you (after 10 years seeing someone, being alone).
Anyway! Hope I could help a bit 🙂
Good luckDo no contact plzz
I know how u r feeling right now and doing nc is seriously not easy..i myself have broken nc once..but the truth is ot helps a lot..it makes you a happier person..that you are not right now..you are feeling miserable about yourself …but trust me..no contact helps a lot!! And it gives your ex the idea that you are not a weak person and that you have self respect..plz do no contact..break all contacts for a certain period of time but atleast a monthHi Aken,
I’m so sorry to hear about the news. My gf of four years also broke up with me. I agree with Sri – you should definitely start going no contact for at least a month. This will be a chance for you to get yourself together, especially emotionally. I know it’s hard for you right now and I feel the sickening pit in your stomach. I cried for 2 months straight nearly every other day or 3 days. Everyday gets a little better.
You are a good person, great person, in fact to have devote yourself to him and love him with that much passion. I only wish that I had found a gf like you.
Rest assured that if he meant this much to you, you also meant a lot to him. Going no contact will make him quickly realize this fact. Staying around in his life and trying to convince him wont change his mind. I tried for a month straight with my ex gf. If you stick around, it will only reaffirm his belief that he can travel the world and play with other people and if these things don’t work out in the end, he always has someone to come crying back to and will take him back. (I know you’d take him back, but he doesnt have to know it for now.)
Stay strong, let yourself grieve and cry, keep busy. Figure out what you will do day by day, hour by hour. When your friends ask you to come out, GO OUT. Try to be with your loved ones.
Go No contact for thirty days. Once you get to that point, add another 15 days. Only then should you contact him. I hope this helps you. I’ve gone 43 days without talking to my ex g – I contact her in 2 days. I’ll let you know how contacting an ex after 45 days go… Goodluck and take good care of yourself.
Thank you so much for all your responses. I really do appreciate the support and sympathy. Sorry for writing so much but I was looking into responding to all of you.
@bat: I am not sure if I have that good a chance of getting him back as he seems really committed to his choice. On the other hand I think he acts by the moment and does not really make specific future plans for himself.
When he broke up with me I was in shock, I was not expecting it at all. We were always so close and had the best relationship. I was not capable of going to work, this was two months ago and my digestive system is still not functioning properly because of my anxiety. Now I get a lot of panic attacks and nightmares. I don’t think that I have ever been in a situation that has been so hard on my body and mind, it’s the most awful sensation I have ever had to live with.
He says that he may regret his choice but that that is life and it’s his burden to carry but that he does not love me like he used to and is not interested in being with me. He said that he feels a lot of affection and that I will always be very special to him and that he wanted me to be a part of his life in the sense that if there is anything I need that he will help me and he hopes that I will be there for him as well. If only I could choose…but as much as I would like to have him in my life, I am completely incapable of accepting him as a friend because I am in an extremely sensitive and emotional state and anything and everything he says or does, his posture with other girls or with his friends, my thoughts of him, everything hurts me, I am having a really hard time to accept it all, it’s too much. I am just too hurt and disappointed and it has been really tough on me. I haven’t even had the courage to tell the majority of my family yet.
I don’t think nor have I ever looked at our relationship as me being the mother type of girlfriend (God noooo!!very creepy..), the thing is, as a couple, I believe that it is important for each others goals to be clear so that they can fight for them together, and that’s what I was trying to get out of him. Deep down I guess I have always been scared of him giving up on me. I think planning is relatively important to have a glimpse of what you want in life and I never understood how you can live your life on a daily basis without preparing your future or whatever you want in life. I guess that’s just the type of education each person receives. I do think he is immature to an extent even though he is very mature for other things. But I feel like he wants to live his adolescent years, now. Maybe because we started dating at an early age and he may feel like he has not enjoyed life sufficiently? He was a really laid back guy and now he discovered how fun it is to hangout with friends and is enjoying himself to the fullest.
Other than that I think your pretty much right. About him still being vague about what he wants in life, no clue of the future, ambitious, goals…To be honest I am not entirely convinced that he will travel the world as a lifestyle, I can’t picture him going through extreme situations because of financial shortage for example, but at this point who knows! I’ll believe in anything.He says that he is not looking into being in a relationship but that does not mean that it won’t happen or even have some fun with close girl friends, but just the thought of him being with someone else kills me because I am his first and it was a great relationship! It probably wouldn’t be bad because if they did not turn out right maybe he may regret what he has done, but what if they are better then me? But despite this and all other fact I do think that he needs his space and who knows maybe think that he gave up on someone who was extremely caring for him? (even though at the moment I really doubt it). He wants to live a different type of life for now, I get it. I have eliminated him from Facebook on Saturday after a scene which made me very upset. He noticed and just said “I feel as if it is too bad this but it’s your choice”. I have not answered as I feel anxious just thinking about this or having to explain myself or even expressing my pain. He sent me a message today as I am in Portugal at the moment for vacation. He said “when you want to talk let me know, I want to be with you before you go, when you are free let me know…”. I have not told him that I am going into NC but to be honest I feel like answering him and saying that I have nothing to talk to him about and ask him what he wants from me. NC will be easy once I am gone but it will be important for me because the pain in to much for me to handle and I really have to be careful for my health’s sake.
He is not really going through the same loss as I am. He is only sad because he knows that I am hurt but other than that he is happy, is more social, is going out and having fun and is not suffering. I love him and I want him to be happy but I am feeling very depressed because of this. If NC, I am sure he would wonder how I am and think of me but to be honest it would have to be like a 3year NC. One month won’t resolve anything since he has grown tired of the relationship and wants to “enjoy life”, in the mean time I would hopefully feel less attached and in love (which I think is a shame). Many women take years to forget “the love of their life”, others never forget. I hope not to carry this pain.
@Sri: I have started NC very very recently and I have not told him anything, I just did it. If you see my comment on top you will see that he has noticed that I cut relation with him but I still find myself sneaking to his profile even though I unfriended him on Facebook. It’s a process, I guess. I am doing NC for him so that he can live his life the way he feels happy, but mostly for me because the pain and the consequences that it is having on my body are really wearing me down. I am sure NC helps. I feel sad that it makes your forget about your feelings, or maybe it won’t, but I am sure it helps. I just have to find the courage to let go and that is what is killing me the most.
@dreamweaver0885: It has almost been two months since he has left me, it is very hard, I have horrible depressing days, and then I have “a little bit better days” but it has been very hard. Thank you so much for your compliment, it made me feel good but I think I am defected now. I do not trust for life, I don’t think of marriage anymore, what is the point if you will suffer this much? It’s too much. I will be more scared to commit because I don’t want to get hurt.
He meant a lot to me but he didn’t love e as much as I loved him in the end. And that really hurts. I have done it all, begged, pity, I feel like I am crazy because of my emotional mood swings, one second I am telling him that I want him to be happy because I love him, and the next I am crying desperately because I don’t know what to do. I think that I really did not deserve that he hurt me but then again, I guess it isn’t his fault that he fell out of love for me even though I can’t understand a reason why because I think I am and always have been so respectful and caring to him.
I have tried not to care but it is hard, I have isolated myself but I have been trying to keep my mind busy, he pops into my mind every day, it’s the saddest thing. I am not hopeful that he will want to be with me especially because if he has made his choice it’s because he has thought of it before making it, but I will always have hope for nothing, it’s almost like I am hurting myself.Thank you all for using a bit of your time to cheer up broken hearts when yours are broken as well. I am sure it mustn’t be easy. I hope to follow your stories as well.
Thank you so much for all your responses. I really do appreciate the support and sympathy. Sorry for writing so much but I was looking into responding to all of you.
Thank you also for using a bit of your time to cheer up broken hearts when yours are broken as well. I am sure it mustn’t be easy. I hope to follow your stories as well.
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