Tough Breakup & Situation

Breakup Help reconciliation
1

So, first, I will say that this person has been living separate from husband for 4 years.

Yeah, I know I know.

We met in the midst of this through work, and I was an ear & friend for them. Basically in their and my words we were each other’s best friends the past 3 years. I was there for her when literally nobody else was.

They also began getting thoughtful trinkets of things we spoke about, initiating touch, asking me out for coffee, escalating to long walks in the park together, going to movies, we even had Netflix & Chill plans. Talking regularly by text, mirroring me, frotteurism when playfully teasing.

Well, I’m demisexual which means only after an emotional bond is strong & durable do I feel a sexual attraction. So yeah she started suggesting teaching me how to ice skate, going to hockey games together, and I wasnt AT THAT TIME having it, she implied more than friends and I reacted aversively & totally shutdown communication for 8 days.

Tough 8 days for me, lost weight, didnt sleep, but I didnt put 2+2 together. I reached out to apologize, then 12 hours later we were talking more than ever. (This was toward the end of the school year and they have 3 kids, ages 12-9-6. They are the primary caretaker, husbands off selling cars focused on career. She has the kids for 79% of the time.)

We start talking, they share even more intimate details. I do know all about the husband and the finality of their relationship. Its clear its over. She is not deceptive about this kind of thing. I work in mental health (doctor), met them as a fellow healthcare worker. No photos with him since 2021 anywhere. We resume things after the 8 day break. A few weeks go by of hangouts and about 200 texts a day 50/50 split in numbers.

Her body language screams attraction. Mirroring, playful touching, closeness, and yeah she admits over text she’s attracted to me, gets butterflies when she sees me, could see herself in a relationship with me, but if thats NOT where I am at, she can suppress it & be friends. I say I like her a lot, more than I realized, I am attracted to her, this after earlier that month aversively shutting down on her. I have a female colleague flatmate right? (we’ve never been intimate, I have 3 partners lifetime & this love interest 2) Well, learning that seemed to spin her into melting down over text. I brought it up to be transparent, bad timing I suppose. She said forget she said anything, she was overwhelmed & feeling rejected or projecting she would be rejected.

She needed space but actually communicated that poorly, just stopped talking.

I spun out, started overanalyzing her (not meanly), she said “I’m into you, but I need space right now, im sorry its not you it’s me & fearing rejection and the living situation freaked me out.” I spun my tires some more, I asked them if they were ghosting me, please give me clarity so i can heal, “are you in or out? that includes friendship, I can do that instead.”

They curtly replied saying the roommate situation was a dealbreaker, they will have the kids all summer, no time for me, busybusybusy, she was prioritizing her kids & they wanted to move back to a city 35 minutes from me for the school district so her life was in flux. (I had jokingly prodded that I hoped she stayed where she was because it was 20 min away from me). She was “grateful for our time together, but for right now, I’m out.”

Emphasized for right now.

Shes been radio silent since

Never at any point has husband come up as an obstacle ever. And she has initiated all the boundary crossings & points of escalation previously in our relationship.

I went no contact on 6/18, but before doing so, apologized for my tire spinout reaction to her withdrawing, but that I felt like I was falling in love with her so that kinda explained it.

But I do know from social media that hubby aint back in the picture. Shes also keeping tabs on me and prior to no contact read my “omg lets not break up” pleading emails thoroughly. :grimacing:

We’ve been push-pull before this as friends, she comes off somewhat anxious-avoidant attachment style & even went no contact with her mom at 18 when mom divorced dad, for months.

My hypotheses are that she is very attracted to me (she said so), needs time to process the rollercoaster of me being aversive then suddenly reaching another level of feelings & receptive, and that the timing of summer & roommate situation are legit.

Superficial things:

  1. She talks or talked about my body & eyes frequently.
  2. Husband is not a looker or empathetic.
  3. She mentioned divorcing husband because she feels nothing for him but it could be financially injurious to her & the kids, especially with respect to health insurance (she doesnt work right now) She actually replayed the entire conversation she had with her sister to me. I think I am the impetus for sister asking/prodding.

Okay folks, I realize the married part is a shitshow. That said, given husband’s career he kind of has that coercive control of finances, so really I think its understandable.

What do you think the chances are of us reconciling?

Where do I go from here?

How do I improve my chances of reconciling?

I have no kids.

Thanks,

Jan

2

Hi Jan,

Wow. You both really seem to be best friends. If I had to guess, I think she will come back. I don’t know for sure, but just give her space.

My ex has blocked me and unblocked me twice. But now, I am giving him a lot of space. I hope it works out for both of us.

1 Like
3

Thanks Shelly34 for the reply.

I am going no contact from here with them. We may have gotten along well but its a lot of pain to go through, isnt it?

I hope everything works out for you & take care of yourself :slight_smile:

4

It IS so painful. But I just can’t stop hoping. That’s the only thing that makes me calm. Are you giving up on her? Reading your story, I really feel like you could make a great couple. Especially since you were best friends. But I understand sometimes it’s best to give up hope.

Ugh. Why can’t people just talk and work things out instead of putting each other through so much?

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5

You hit the nail on the head on that last sentence.

I’ve been doing some attachment therapy work and I am anxious leaning secure. After a certain point of communication failure, my autonomic system changes from excitement to see them to an aversive, fight or flight reaction.

This has happened in the past with flighty poor communicators. Just how I am wired.

So yes I am giving up for my own wellbeing.

Everyone has their own limits & risks-benefits analysis.

Take care shelly34 & hope everything works out well for you.

6

Hi Jan,

I am sorry you had to go through this breakup. I understand how a lack of communication can make you want to give up and just move on. It certainly makes sense and is probably for the best.

But in my experience, if you feel your connection was special, it may be a good idea to reconsider reaching out maybe 2-3 months down the road.

Again, I know it’s a personal choice but I have seen so many cases of good relationships never reconciling because both partners just choose to “stand their ground”.

Regardless of what you choose, I wish you a speedy recovery from this heartbreak and a wonderful life ahead. Take care.

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7

Thanks Kevin.

I left the door open for them to reach out to me but I feel like its affecting my self image/respect negatively. If the connection was special, they had no problem gaslighting me & engaging in covert contracts and resentment on the way out the door.

I decided I would only ever want this person in my life as a friend after much deliberation. I’d want the connection without the trauma to me, in other words.

Maybe they’re scared, overwhelmed, hurt, but total shutdown of communication after lovebombing me was not pleasant & felt like I had withdrawal symptoms. It sucked.

So, if they want to catch a hockey game sometime, thats fine, they can reach out.

(Longer:)
Dont know if I’m being harsh or not but the gaslighting about me trying to control them or take away their independence (never, I am super busy, not controlling either), creating defects on the way out the door, making it clear that the roommate situation would have to change then going radio silent anyway? That is not okay with me.

So, they can reach out. Their prerogative. I met them MORE than half way. And they were deadly serious about it, got scared in real time, & left me out in the cold.

I have a birthday in 4 months, if they dont reach out around then, then they cant get over abandonment fears & self esteem issues and that is that.

All the Best,

J

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8

Hi Jan,

I understand. You are definitely right about the gaslighting and love-bombing aspects. They are both huge red flags and you are right to want to protect yourself from someone who is capable of doing that.

Unfortunately, so many people are broken because of their own baggage and trauma and they end up repeating the patterns that broke them in the first place. And it’s really difficult for most people to take a hard look within themselves and realize their shortcomings.

Again, I wish you best and I do think you are making the right choice now that you’ve explained your view about how she gaslighted you.

Regardless, if your heart ever wishes to reconsider being with her, be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to do so. Just be very cautious and make sure these issues are addressed before you make any commitments.