How do you move forward when a small part of you still hopes?

Breakup Help
1

Hi everyone, I (M23) recently went through a breakup after over two years with my first serious partner (F25). It’s been three weeks since we broke up, and while the pain has become a little less sharp, it’s still with me all the time. She’s the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep.

She told me she wasn’t ready for a relationship anymore. She’s struggled with emotional blocks for a long time, and in the last few months she described the relationship as overwhelming — like she was drowning. She said she felt guilty for not being able to love me the way she wanted to, and it felt unfair to keep going when she couldn’t give as much as I gave her. I’ve decided to respect what she said and trust that it came from a place of honesty. But deep down, I still hold onto a quiet hope that maybe someday, if she works through those emotional struggles and feels ready again, we could have another chance.

I know that kind of thinking might hold me back, and I hope that hope fades with time. But for now it’s still there.

I keep remembering only the good things. The sweet words, the support, the small moments that made me feel truly loved. I know I’m idealizing the relationship, but my mind keeps going back to those memories, making it hard to move on.

Yesterday would have been our anniversary. After thinking about it all day, I sent her a short, kind message to say I was thinking of her and that I wish her the best. She replied hours later, saying she wished me the best too and that she had been busy. Her response was polite but distant. It hurt more than I expected.

To try to help myself heal, I deleted Instagram and haven’t talked to her since the breakup, except for that one anniversary message. It’s been full no contact for almost three weeks now.

Right now, I’m scared. Scared that I won’t fully heal. Scared that I’ll be stuck in this sadness. I feel like there’s this space in my life that used to be filled with her, and now I don’t know what to do with it. Some days, I wish I could just sleep through the next few months so I don’t have to feel this way.

If anyone has been through something similar, how did you manage to move on? How do you stop thinking about someone so constantly? What helped you let go of hope and start living again?

2

Hi Archibald,

I am sorry you are going through this breakup. I think you have handled everything great so far. Doing no contact was the best move. And sending her a short text for anniversary was also acceptable given your really felt you needed.

As for the hope, I feel the more you try to suppress the hope and wish for it to go away, the more it stays. In my coaching, I tell people to keep hope and keep moving forward in life. And if enough time has passed, you can choose to even reach out and reconnect.

I know that a lot of internet is very adamant in getting people to give up hope of getting back together and move on. But my experience has been that hope is a good thing. It helps you when you are at your lowest. It’s the way our brains are wired. So why not use it to your advantage?

Yes, there comes a point where false hope can do more harm than good. But in my opinion, you are nowhere close to that point. It’s just been 3 weeks. If it has been six months and you still have strong hope and are still thinking about her constantly, then it’s a bad sign.

Regardless, my advice is to keep the hope. If you think about her all the time, let your thoughts come and go. You can also choose to reach out to her after a a couple of months if you feel it’s the right decision for you.

In short, it’s okay to have hope. It’s not going to stop your healing. At least, not anytime soon.

3

I am not giving up hope. lol. But I will try my best to not contact him and give him space.

4

She’s organizing a party for a mutual friend and said she was fine with me being there.

I told her I’d come, but I probably wouldn’t spend the night. She said there were plenty of beds. I repeated that I still didn’t think I’d stay. Then she just said, “Got it.”

That short reply left me confused. I don’t know how to read it — maybe it’s just neutral, maybe she’s trying to keep it simple, or maybe she just doesn’t want to engage more than necessary. Either way, it stirred something in me. I found myself analyzing it way more than I should, trying to figure out what she meant, if anything.

The truth is, I don’t know how to approach this without hurting myself. I want to be there — for our friend, for myself — but I also don’t want to pretend like I’m okay if I’m not. Seeing her again, staying the night under the same roof, even just being around her… all of that feels loaded. It feels risky.

I want to believe I can handle it. That I can just show up, be polite, keep some distance, and leave when I need to. But I also know myself — how a small moment, a glance, a word — can undo a week of progress.

I’m trying to stay grounded. I’m trying to protect the fragile peace I’ve built since the breakup. But right now, everything still feels a little too sharp.

5

Hey man,

This is simply not true. But it can become true if you believe it. The more you believe it, the more you will feel hurt if something happens.

If you want to be there for your friend, then go ahead and do it. But if you are scared it’s going to undo your progress, then just don’t go. Explain to them you need some time to heal before you can hang out with all of them. There is no shame in pain and in taking time for yourself.

But if you do choose to go, don’t be scared of getting hurt by a glace or her actions. Yes, you will overthink things whenever you have any interactions with her. But that’s normal. The important thing is to just let your thoughts go where they want and occasionally bring them back to the present. Remind yourself that in the long run, all these little things won’t matter. What matters is that you will heal and become stronger. And maybe you will get back together. Maybe not. Whatever happens, it’s going to be okay.

6

Right now, if I went, it wouldn’t be for our friend. It’d be to see her.

I’d be going with the quiet, desperate hope that maybe something shifts, that my presence stirs something in her. And I know that’s not healthy.

7

In that case, it’s probably a good idea to not go. Her inviting you and saying that you should sleep over does make it seem like she wants to hang out with you and speak to you. And honestly, it feels like you will find some shift in her because there is a good chance she is missing you and maybe even thinking about getting back together.

But there is also a good chance of you building up too much expectations and feeling disappointed.

In my experience, group settings aren’t great when it comes to reconnecting because there is so much room for misinterpretations. So if you really want to know whether there is a shift in her, I recommend just reaching out and asking her to meet after a couple of weeks of more no contact.

On the other hand, if you are okay with taking the risk, then go ahead and meet her. But still try to have a good time and keep your expectations to a minimum.

8

After a lot of thinking, talking to people, and doing some research, I believe the person I was in a relationship with has an avoidant attachment style. Can understanding avoidant attachment help me make more sense of how the relationship ended and why it played out the way it did? Also, are there realistic ways someone with an avoidant attachment style might come back, or reconsider things, if given enough time and space?

9

Did you end up going to that party? What happened?

Yes, understanding their attachment style can help when/if you both reconnect after a period of time. And yes, avoidant attachment people do come back. But sadly, it doesn’t always lead to a relationship because in a lot of situations, it requires them to face their demons and work on themselves.

There’s another forum member who is also hoping for their avoidant partner to come back, I answered his post with some stories of reconciliation. You can read their post over here.

Maybe speaking to someone who is going through something similar will do both of you some good.

10

The party is in six days, and I’m still torn. Part of me wonders if going might help me feel closer to her again, but another part fears it will only make the distance between us more painful.

The truth is, I’d be lying if I said I’d go for any reason other than to be near her.

11

Ahh ok. Honestly, there’s both an advantage and disadvantage to going even if your motivation is to be near her. The advantage is that you get to interact with her and show her that you won’t push her to get back together and that you are in a better mental space. For avoidants, if they feel they won’t hurt you, they let down their defences eventually.

The disadvantage is obviously that you are still vulnerable and may get hurt. Although over the long term, you are going to heal no matter what. It may take a little bit longer, but no one can really say what’s the best way to heal for you.

If you feel you really want to go, then go.

12

In the end, I didn’t go. The anxiety was constant, and I chose not to put myself through it. Two days later, another event came up—bigger, more crowded, with a much lower chance of running into her. This time, I decided to attend. I later found out she wasn’t there; a relative of hers had passed away.

I felt a mix of sadness and relief. Sadness for what she was going through. Relief that I didn’t have to see her, break down, or struggle to find the right words.

I sent her my condolences. Nothing more.

Talking to one of our shared friends, what I’ve learned is this: she’s not talking about her feelings, not even with her closest friends. That makes me think she’s avoiding, running from all of it. And another thing he told me is that apparently, at some point, she might want to be friends—but even she knows it’s too early.

Now, four days have passed, and I’m stuck. Do I keep the no contact? Do I write to her, try to meet? Maybe send a letter? I honestly don’t know what the next move should be.

So here I am. Do I keep my distance? Or do I break the silence?

I don’t know.

13

I broke no contact. It felt more harmful to stay silent than to reach out. The anxiety was getting worse, and I needed some clarity. I found out she’d be near where I live this weekend, so I asked if she’d want to grab a coffee.

She hesitated, then told me she didn’t think meeting up was the right thing to do right now. She didn’t say why, and I didn’t push her. I just told her—plain and simple—that if she ever wants to talk, I’d be glad to. I still care about her, deeply.

I know she’s hurting. A mutual friend told me that even she doesn’t understand why she feels the way she does. And I get it—she’s isolating, shutting everything out, not talking to anyone about what’s going on inside.

So now I’m stuck again. Should I wait? Should I do something? Truth is, I don’t think there’s anything left for me to do. She’s closed off, and until she decides to open up, I’m on the outside.

I keep wondering why she didn’t want to meet. Was it fear? Guilt? Confusion? I don’t know.

14

Hi,

Yes, she is probably afraid of getting hurt again. And she is also probably afraid of hurting you more. She could sense that you are also hurting and this breakup has caused you pain as well.

I think you did the right thing by reaching out. At this moment, it’s probably a good idea to do no contact again for a couple of weeks and then reassess what you want.

If you feel you really want to try getting back together, then reach out again. But this time, do it from a place of confidence. She should feel that you are in a better mental space and that she doesn’t risk hurting you. She will be much more comfortable meeting you if she feels that you have healed, are strong and confident.

Hope that makes sense.