“Help me please pt. 1” is a topic about the no contact rule and is posted in the no contact board.
“Help me please pt. 2” is focused on questions about reconciliation and honest advice/responses if you guys see any hints about him returning. Because I’m lost and confused.
Please read pt. 1 to know the full detail about how the break up has happened and what is happening currently.
I’m honestly so confused on his actions and cannot figure it out. I’m an over thinker so I think beyond just one possibility of what peoples’ actions mean. Crucial information: during the relationship, because of his background and past trauma, my ex doesn’t vocalize his thoughts and wants and needs much. He wants his fellow surrounders to be happier than he is, so he does not vocalize what he’s going through, his stress, his pain. And to the point where sometimes doesn’t say what makes him happy. To me, honestly it’s really frustrating. Because every time we fight and argue, he ends up bringing up the fact that I was never there to help? We’ve only dated for a couple (8) months. How… do I learn to just look at his face and know what he’s feeling. I believe it’s impossible. Even if we were 100% compatible or soulmates like that is impossible because we’re not the same person. So earlier in our relationship I had told him that I understood how difficult it might be and will be, but as a girlfriend, if you cannot vocalize it to anyone in the world, do not worry because I will be that one person who will be your safe place for you to be comfortable enough to tell me. So… in the beginning 1-3? Months of the relationship I was frustrated but 4-6? Months I was able to let him know where I’m coming from because after one serious argument he had opened up to me about how he cannot vocalize much. That’s when I knew how to “solve” all these fights. Before fighting or blowing it up to proportion, I and he would just talk about it rather than fight about it.
So in the middle of our relationship, I would pay a lot more attention to his feelings because I was afraid to lose him for good. We had broken up 4? Times before these months and during those “mini break ups” he would voice how stressed I made him. Most of the time it was me telling him or hinting him that I was upset at certain words or actions he’s done and he blew up because apparently he had been patient. I guess in his position he had been patient for me to be a certain way? Or he felt that no matter how patient he was, it would seem as if I didn’t realize it. But those 4 ish mini break ups were along the same lines. I had convinced him then and there to stay in the relationship and he would honestly come back to me and say along the lines of we’re going to try. We never tried so let’s try no matter what. Back then I knew what we had to do, but I assume I’m wrong. Now, I know what we have to do. And I wish I could let him know our problem so it’s easier for him to think about whether or not we should get back together. Back then, I thought we just needed to understand each other and just accept it, which is not completely wrong, but now, we screwed up in compromising. We never compromised. We never talked about compromising. Every time there is a fight, I need to figure and solve it out in the moment while he needs a break, a couple of hours or days depending on how he feels stressed to think about it and get back to me. Yes. Polar opposites. During our relationship, he always ghosted me when we had those fights. We’d fight through text, and I’d say something through text, and he’d just ghost me. Of course fighting through messages is always never good since we don’t know each other’s tones but we never fight through voice. It’s always text. And he claims it’s because he can never vocalize this thoughts if it’s in person. He becomes weak and cries is what he says. But yea, during the beginning of the relationship it was a struggle for me to just be ghosted which is why I always ended up spamming him with messages and we fight on top of that. We never compromised. It was just a given that I had to sit there and wait. Which going back to pt. 1, I mentioned I’ve told him I hate waiting. It’s from my past too and he tells me “even though I know this hurts you, I need my own time to clear my thoughts”. So I’ve decided every time to just be okay with it and let him do his thing. It was a struggle and sadly, I got used to waiting for him. By the last major fight before he broke up with me officially, I was so used to waiting that we fought and I spammed him then didn’t text him for 3 days. A mini no contact I guess. He ended up texting me to break up, and the rest of my break up story is in pt. 1.
His actions now is what I want a little bit clarified. I really hate ifs and maybes and unclear answers. To me, those are a waste of my time. I’m either a yes I love you and I’ll do it or no I don’t love you so move on. He seems like he doesn’t know what he wants. His voicemail that night, although it was hard to grasp because it was a bunch of mumbles, the thing I heard exactly was “I really really really love you… but… I don’t know”. To me, this means “I love you but not enough for us to do it all over again”. Which honestly saddens me because I feel that if he had given me a chance to explain where we went wrong, then it’ll influence some sort of his decision. We never compromised and we always assumed the other will just do it for us even when we don’t vocalize. And we would always assume “oh this is maybe what she wants or maybe what he wants” and just do it out of our assumptions for the other that when it came down to fighting, we always tell each other “you never do anything and understand anything”. It’s the lack of communication. And now I know. And honestly, it’s too late for me to tell him any of this because he doesn’t even read my messages or pick up my calls. Back to pt. 1, but I assume he puts my messages on do not disturb. So even if I had sent him a message with all this detail, who know when he’ll open it.
His actions make no sense. I need clarification. The day after he broke up with me through text, I thought what if we were in person. Would that give us a chance to talk about it at least? I ended up going to his place and asking to talk. We did, and he ended our conversation with that he’ll think about it. Over thinker here! I thought he would let me know pretty much asap. But through that very next week every time I texted him he told me that the more I do this the more I push him away and so please do not contact him because he wants to empty all of it and then do some clear-minded thinking. He really doesn’t want to block me so don’t do this. I contact him because he had deleted me off his social media. To me, it felt like he was “letting me down easy”. Like let me know he’s thinking about it but all his actions/hints point to him saying we’re done so stop. So I stopped contacting him for a couple of days and then went back to contacting him because I was afraid. I had to leave the city because I came all the way there to talk in person. I had to leave and wanted to know then and there before I left. So I contacted him and he kept telling me to leave and that he needs to do this alone. Throughout the no contact for the couple of days, I had figured out completely where we went wrong and finally why he really needed this time to think because I never understood why he needed to time to think, ever. I told him I figured it out and wanted to talk about it in person before I had to leave. But he constantly said he wanted to do it alone and needs to do it alone. There is no helping, he’s done it alone since he was a kid and is still going to do it alone. I was stressing him out and me doing this was making it worse. So I left him my last message saying I will never contact again until he reaches out. I told him he must reach out and I’m not looking for an answer then, I’m looking for him. Just him so we can talk about it. So for two weeks straight I never talked to him. However, I would post on social media stories and he would constantly check them. Whether it’s and accident or not, he sees them. Last night I got drained and was so over how stupid I looked to wait on this kid. So I called him and he declined my call. He doesn’t even have a voicemail set up so I can’t express my words through that. I messaged him saying we need to talk because 2 weeks is enough for both of us. 2 weeks is plenty of time to think whether or not you like someone enough to pull through. That was last night. And this morning I checked to see if he had read my text and he did. Yet. Not contact. Am I doing this no contact thing correctly? Like clearly no… because I contact him last night. But the social media. Should I have completely not posted and disappear out of his life for him to not have me around. His actions make no sense. One half of it he’s giving me this hope that he’ll come back, such as looking through my social media and leaving me a voicemail about how he still loves me. Then the other half he wants us to be over like not picking up my texts and calls and just telling me to leave. Like what does he want. Because clearly he doesn’t know. And there is no way for me to tell him anything.