My boyfriend and I were together 4 1/2 years and he broke up with me just over a month ago. He said he felt “sparks” for 3 years and still loves me, but there are no sparks anymore. I told him it’s normal that level of excitement would taper down after being in an exclusive long-term relationship. Romantic love would calm down and grow into a mature calmer type of love which is actually more comfortable and fulfilling.
I’ve felt his aloofness for more than a year and during that time I said several things that deeply hurt him. Recently he told me that he has been remembering and counting those hurtful things and that they added up to not being happy with me or our relationship. Instead of discussing these things at the time, he kept quiet and began holding onto resentments. Said he wanted to get the sparks back over the past year, but can’t. Said he wanted to see other women in hopes of feeling the excitement again (like we had for 3 yrs) and feels he can no longer be devoted to me and was sorry. We’re seniors and I’m 12 years older than him. We used to see each more often, but for the past 1 1/2 yrs, only about once a month due to his trying to de-clutter and remodel his house and also some family situations. We never texted, only emails and recently sent a few back and forth trying to explain our thoughts and misunderstandings with each other. Then he sent an email wishing me happiness and love, that he will never forget me etc. My heart is breaking and wonder if he will come back to me. He is the sweetest man I’ve ever known and we were both so happy in the beginning, but he said he can’t get it into his brain about the “sparks” thing. Geez!
You can always reconcile. You hold the key to changing things for the better and it all depends on what you want. Go through and take some time for yourself to really work upon things that he may have grown accustomed to. For example, go to the gym and really work out and show him a new, sexier side to you. Be positive xx
Thank you Wellconfused. I’m not overweight, but I have a puffy stomach I tried to reduce, but it’s still there. I don’t even own a dress, so I could go shopping for some new clothes. Also I think the no contact rule would be good because it would give him time to forgive and forget the unhappiness of the past year, but it seems he wants to date other women more his age and find the sparks he desires.
I wonder how’s your story going? Not sure how old is he, maybe he’s just was not ready for you yet. I don’t think your appearance is the main problem, but people rationale over things. There could be outside factors that made him feel that way, or he’s bored of the long distance things. My case is the other way around, he is way older than me.
Hi @patricia12,
When you love someone, age, religion, family issues are not an obstacle at all. Though, we are accustomed to thinking the contrary thus we always overthink and create problems where there’s not any in principle. This way we always get things much more complicated than they really are. And, even worst, we spoil what can be just a beautiful experience . If “sparkle” is what he misses , why don’t you just make something “crazy”? Something he can pleasantly be surprised by… Since you know him well, you can rather easily organise something memorable for him… Something that can rekindle his passion… You can act sexier than in the past, or surprising him by organising a trip to his favourite town or destination. Other than that, there are many different occasions you can celebrate with (and even without) him and let him feel weak and hopeless without you…
I wish you all the best, you do deserve it!
L
I thought I’d read your post since you so kindly responded to mine. I noticed you posted this a few months ago though, how are things going now?
Someone once compared attraction to a kitchen sink and I’d like to share this analogy with you. When you start a relationship, it is safe to assume that both parties are attracted to each other. When you make each other happy, the attraction flows through with ease. However, when you make each other feel bad, the sink is clogged with negative feelings. The heavier the clog, the harder it is for the existing attraction of flow through.
So maybe the goal isn’t to create more spark, because I think the spark and the attraction is already there. You mentioned earlier that you’d said several things that deeply hurt him. I’m sure all of those hurtful things added up, which inevitably led to a ‘clogged sink’. Perhaps you could focus more on how you could keep chipping away at those negative emotions. Give him enough space to forget about those things you’d said. Soon enough, the attraction and spark that was already there will flow more freely and I’m sure he’ll feel it. You seem very kind and like you mean well, so I’m sure he recognizes that too.
How is your situation going? With a past relationship, I found the “spark” always fades, but that’s not what really matters. You just need to remind him of why you were together in the first place, and it was more than just a spark in the beginning,
You see very sweet and genuine, I hope it works out for you.
He and I have been emailing about once a week since the break up. He calls me about every 2 weeks. The emails and calls are always casual, just catching up on things. He’s mentioned missing me and the almost nightly talks we used to have. And he remembers the great times we had together.
3 months ago, he asked me to meet him for lunch, and again it was casual. We live about 25 miles from each other. He’s busy beyond belief. Work, grown kids (one lives at his house), multiple vehicles which always need maintenance or repair (he does the work on them), and he’s still trying to de-clutter his house - garage - sheds. I don’t know if he’s been dating or has a special someone. He said he wants to see me again soon, but I’ve lost all hope of ever having an amazing romantic relationship like we used to have:(
I think him saying he misses you and wants to see you again soon is a good sign.
But in the meantime, have you been doing things to make YOU happy? I know it seems almost impossible, but really try and focus on doing stuff to make you better, which overall makes you more attractive. If he comes back, great! If not, even better, because you’re going to be an even better version of yourself.
It’s been about 6 months, right? I feel like for men, this is the time things kick in.
It’s been 8 months since he broke up with me. It was 5 months before he asked to see me (3 months ago). I’ve been going to church more often and doing volunteer work for Habitat for Humanity. He’s always in the back of my mind, but I’m not heart broken to the point of crying anymore, just kinda sad…
I was so surprised to see a post of you here. So I took the time and I’ll do my very best to try to help you. As far as I am concerned, you are one of the most caring persons I’ve ever the chance to talk to.
Little things kill relationships. Usually, not the great things are necessary to split us apart. I’ll provide you with my rational analysis:
1- he keeps calling you, even though he is busy. That’s a sign that, even though he might be wanting to find “sparkles” he misses you and the relationship you had. In this point I ask you. Did you were open to try to rekindle the flame he was looking for? Another thing, even though he might be seeing other people, he has not found someone, otherwise, he would not be speaking to you at all.
2- did you ever make any move toward him after the brake up? Maybe the sparkles he was talking about could be something in this vein.
3- exes usually cut all ties when they want to move on. Even though he is looking for sparkles, probably he knows that such a thing is just something that passes and that he should be with you.
You are one of the person I most consider regarding all of this site. Please let me know anything else and I’ll offer all that I can to help you through this.
Not sure if you remember me but I’d just like to thank you personally for all your help and advice you gave me. Not meaning to bring back past pains but I hope the outcome you had/have is good and you are doing well. My relationship is going great ( hope to not jinx it lol ). I’m starting university in 3 weeks. I have money, my girl and life seems to be looking up! I hope you success and happiness for the future.
p.s Not to look lazy or inconsiderate I’ll be sending this message to the 3 main people who helped and stuck with me through my time of need. You guys are awesome! … and I won’t forget your contribution to my recovery! Not sure if you’ll receive this as it’s been a while … not even sure you guys are still on this site but hey! I WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU !
wish you all a happy AND successful life!
… This was a copy and paste. I’ve noticed you’ve still been fairly active on this site. Just want to let you know you are one of the kindest people I have ever had the chance to communicate with. If you are still hanging on and need help/advice… although I’m not the best of people to give it, i would certainly try my best! Hope you’re ok.
I just want to say that I have been following/ reading your advice to other members, and you’re very caring and considerate. I’m just blunt. Lol. Sighs. Hope all is better with your situation.
Hi Patricia,
I’m curious how your situation is going?
There is always room to make things right again, but I think he would need to see someone else to appreciate you as hurtful as that sounds. I hope he comes back to you and that this works out in your favor.
Hey Patricia, how is the situation going now? I think it’s a great step that he misses you and did want to see you. It seems as if you both are quiet busy with your life so maybe it’s just not the best timing? I’m sure everything is going to work out
Actualy, is truly remarcable your activity on the website here. You are the type of person that helps the others and leave her on the last place.
Try change your way of clothing if you are not a dress person try to pay him a visit in a dress- or the other way around.
Signs are good for you.
Try to do some hair colour change - something like that.
I m sure you re awesome and need to be a little bit different. To shock his ideea of you.
The beauty is in the eye of the beholder- so diĺfferent it means beauty.
I m a model, and actualy that worked a little bit against me, making my ex to have a low self esteem, and a lot of jealousy crises.after i quited he fell out of love with me -due to the fact i didn t shine so much.
So get better not worse, let him get wraped in work, u ll shine anyway - even in a sport outfit.
And go pay him a visit.
Thank you for kindness and reply even on my crazy situation.
@dwayneswampson He broke up with me late December 2015. Afterwards, we talked about our issues and misunderstandings (through emails and phone calls). Then in April 2016, we met at a restaurant for lunch. It was casual and pleasant, but more of a “catch up” type meeting. We continued to occasionally send emails to each other and discussed more feelings… Three months later he invited me to play miniature golf and then go to dinner. We were both nervous and attracted to each other. I’m glad to report that we’ve been together in a romantic relationship ever since!
@patricia12 I am happy for you! I feel like your story resonates a lot with mine and just gives me that little hope that I can get back with my ex too. I know I need to be patient. Thank you for giving us an update.
