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So me and my boyfriend have been together for a total of 9 years. Things have been going downhill really bad this past year. First if all he has a problem with alcohol. He was going out practically every night and wouldn’t come home until the next morning or afternoon. It got to the point where he said he really cares about me a lot instead of telling me he loves me. I’m heartbroken. 12 days ago I asked him if he wanted to take a break and he said yes. The last thing he said was well let’s see if I really miss Lauren. That hurt a lot. It was 10 days that we went without seeing each other or speaking to each other. I cried every day and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. We went from talking and seeing each other every day to not at all. It was driving me crazy. I went home to pick up one of our dogs for a vet appointment and we talked when I got back. No asked him how he felt and what his thoughts were on the situation. He replied with I’m content and that he likes having the house and bed to himself. I asked if he missed me at all and he said just a little bit (indicating a very small amount with his index finger and thumb). That hurt a lot too. I keep telling myself that maybe he just likes it now because it’s new to him and that eventually he’ll miss me more. I asked him what he wanted to do now and he said we could call it and start packing and moving everything out. I was devastated. I kept pushing for is to continue on our break and told him that maybe we could start over and have a stronger relationship now that everything was out on the table. He mentioned ending it again but ended up agreeing to continue our break by saying “if that’s what you want to do”. I said is that what you really want and he said that he wasn’t sure what he wanted and if he was sure then he would just tell me to get out and leave. I just don’t understand how he cannot feel anything after so long. I just want him to feel what I’ve been going through and feel the hurt, heartbreak and awful pain in my heart. It’s now been two days since then and he is all I can think about. He is all I’ve ever known and I do not want to lose him. I love him so much and it hurts to not hear him say it back. We haven’t spoken again for these two days. Before I left I asked if he could call me to make me feel better and hurt less and that maybe we could hang out occasionally. He just said possibly. It’s his birthday tomorrow and I really wanted to hang out with him and was asking him about it and he said possibly but probably not. It just kills me. It’s like he keeps stabbing me over and over again with his words. I asked if he was already in the mindset of breaking up and he said that he still wasn’t sure what he wanted but he had been in that mindset for awhile now. I told him to please keep an open mind and maybe we could start over in a new relationship. He wasn’t too positive on it working out. I now am just waiting around for him to call me and I am miserable. I hate that he seems to be okay and gets to stay in our house with our dogs while I have been heartbroken, sleeping on my sisters couch. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to contact him, I want him to reach out to me first but during that firsts week he said he probably wasn’t going to calm at all. I just want to be with him and want to go home. It’s so hard and I don’t know how to make I’m fall in love with me again. I want him to love me again and feel happy with me again. Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated. I’m hurting here and need help.
You should continue to stay on your sister’s couch. You can shoot him a text for his birthday, but don’t start a conversation or ask about how he’s feeling.
Stuff gets really complicated when you have shared so much for so long (your house, your dogs, etc). You said he has a problem with alcohol; do you believe that’s the only problem? Not coming home until the middle of the next day might suggest he’s doing something a little more than just getting drunk. Do you have well defined rules for your “break?” (Can you be with other people or is it just a “spend time apart” sort of thing?)
My ex and I agreed to a “break” (other people and all), but shortly after she said she would feel guilty being with anyone else while we were still committed because it wasn’t final, it was a “break.” These don’t work.In my opinion, a relationship has to actually end before you can “start over.” So at this point you have no choice but to wait it out. Don’t reach out to him; leave him alone. Let him think through his problems quietly. One of two things will happen: either, given enough time and space, he’ll realize that he loves you enough not to breakup with you right now, or he doesn’t. Unfortunately the more painful option would probably be better in the long run, as you would be able to end your current relationship and eventually, potentially start it anew. If he chooses to let you stay, it may be just because he doesn’t want to disrupt the home life you have established, and is only going to lead to a further downward spiral.
Maybe he needs to be alone to get his alcohol problem in check. Maybe he’s depressed and needs a bit of change to get over it. Who knows what he’s actually going through, but won’t tell you. Guys tend to keep things to themselves.
Give him his space. Wait it out. Make sure to take care of yourself during this period. The old phrase “Good things come to those who wait” definitely applies here. You’ll be doing no good by continuing to probe him about his feelings.
Thanks for the advice! It gets a little bit not complicated because he has also been doing drugs. He came clean to me a week before we took a “break”. He said he didn’t want to lie about it anymore and has been doing drugs the whole time we had been together. I was so hurt and felt completely betrayed. I did have suspicions about him doing drugs and would ask him about it but believed him every time he said no. I think deep down I knew the truth I just didn’t want to see it. The terms with our break are not seeing each other but not seeing other people either. I do t think he would break this agreement and do anything with anyone else. We have never has that issue and he isn’t the type of person that would do that. Do you think it’s possible for him to fall back in love with me again? All he says now is that he really cares about me and he isnt sure what he wants. I’ll try to stick it out longer and hopefully he will contact me.
I am very sorry you are hurting so badly and that you are in this situation but I think you are ignoring something very big here. You mentioned a problem with alcohol and now that he also does drugs. That is slope hill which takes even the best of the relationship downhill fast and there isnt nothing you can do unless he wants to get help. Do you know what drugs he does is just pot or something stronger because that can contribute his lack of caring will your relationship continue and the hurtful comments. You ask how he will fall back in love again. When he stops the abuse of alcohol and drugs and gets his head cleared. I know you have been together a long time but getting sober and cleaned is his call and if he doesnt want to do that for himself and your relationship then there is not much you can do but to make sure you are okay. Because what about your needs , you showed incredible tolerance towards him and also great assessment of situation when you ask him does he want a break. That was brave thing to do and showed that you have courage and strenght even if it doesnt feel like it right now but in this situation you should not want to get back together with him unless he gets cleaned because if he does not this road only takes you down and what you do not want to do is to risk your health and well being those must come first no matter how much you love him. You need to love yourself too. I am sorry it is so painful for you but you are not alone and you can do this nc and manage without him and once you feel stronger about where you are, yes contact him to see if he has done anything to address his issues but if not love should not be a reason why you would let him eventually drag you down if he does not stop drinking. My uncle is an alcoholic and he has drank as long as I can remember but you know what no matter what happen to him divorce, not seeing his child it was not enough to make him stop , he has only now stopped after 35 years of drinking because doctors told him that you will dies and only that shook him enough. Same needs to happen to your ex, he needs to want it and no matter how much you try and support him towards that unless he makes decision to stop there is not much you can do except make sure you are okay. You seem like a really nice person so do take care of yourself.
Thank you Finntoga. I do understand what you are saying it is just so hard after so long. I know that I can’t help him. I am powerless over him and his addictions. He needs to want to change in order for things to change. He has been doing an assortment of drugs from multiple kinds of pills similar to adderall, then doing speed and cocaine. When he told me he said it was a couple weeks since he did anything so I don’t know how frequent it is. I do know that the first weekend we were on a break he did do them. Yesterday was a really bad day and I couldn’t stop crying. Today is his birthday and I’ve already been up for a few hours and can’t sleep. I just want him to tell me everything is going to be okay and that we can work things out but the reality is that he’s not going to. I just don’t understand how he can have no feeling after this long. I mean he isn’t really one to talk about his feeling but he has to feel something. When we talked on Wednesday he mentioned that we have a couch and two beds at the house that I could sleep on instead of being at my sisters. I asked him then we’re does that leave us and he kind of just shrugged. He says he still cares about me a lot but the whole not loving me thing is really getting to me. When I saw him Wednesday he said he hadn’t been drinking that much because he’d been working. He said he had a good two years bender of drinking and maybe it was time to slow down a bit. Then he was actually talking about going camping and fishing and stuff that he hasn’t done in awhile. It hurt to hear him say all of these things because when I was there he didn’t want to do anything. I can’t help but think that I was the reason. Why is it that in a matter of a little over a week he starts realizing all of this and seems to be doing better and coming back to his old self? Am I really the reason for his drinking and drug use and not wanting to be home? I just don’t understand.
i absolutely do not believe you had anything to do with him drinking and doing drugs at all. This is something that happens when people like in case of my uncle he was really a nice but weak emotionally and he wanted something else for himself but was not able to chose career he wanted because he had to take over family farm and he numbed the pain. Your boyfriend had issues that he was not dealing with and some could be due to your relationship, maybe he felt it was not giving him he needed, work, past issue goodness knows I dont think he does either but the thing is he was not dealing with them in a healthy way and you can blame someone for making feel you bad but you cannot blame someone putting the glass or bottle or drugs into your mouth that is on the person themselves. Do not go back and I think you need to stop the contact completely for awhile not because of him but for you. This is breaking you apart inside and you need time to start figuring how you will be okay in case things do not work with him. This time is about you so please do consider full nc.
This sounds like textbook depression to me. Sometimes there just isn’t any reason for it, but the person can’t help the way they’re feeling. The poster above suggests that you leave; you can, but just because someone is abusing drugs doesn’t mean they’re a danger to you. He offered to let you sleep on the couch at home. Coming from a guy who’s had depression and did my best to mask it, internalize it, etc, that statement screams “I’d like you to be here, even if it isn’t the same as before.”
Honestly, being a guy and trying to understand things from his perspective, he’s pushing you away because he doesn’t want you to see him at his lowest. Some girls would bail when things get rough like this, and if that happens they’re more than likely gone for good.
If you’re willing, I’d try sleeping at your place for a night. Go about your business as normal, and try not to bring up anything related to your relationship. The next time you have a serious talk, ask him if he really wants to stop the drinking/drugs. Offer to be there for him, not as a girlfriend, but as a friend, or even a “parent” of sorts. Some people really want that sort of thing (I know I did when I was dealing with this stuff). Tell him that at this point you’re more than willing to listen to everything he has to say, without judgement, if he opens up to you and is 100% honest.
So now it’s up to you: Do you want to be that person that helps him through this (if he let’s you do so at all). Can you handle that? It entails putting your feelings on hold entirely until you’ve helped this other person through their hardship.
If you don’t, then you should follow the above poster’s advice and go complete NC.
Thanks roarimabear. I do believe his is depressed and asked if he would like to go talk to someone about it and he said no that he doesn’t need to. We ended up hanging out on his birthday and I ended up staying at home for the rest of the weekend. There were times when I thought everything was fine but once he got a few beers into him he just kept referencing bringing me to my car so I could leave. It was hurtful. He said that he’s not sure why but I don’t even have to do anything and my presence just annoys him more often than not. How can this be? If I’m not even doing anything at all how am I even supposed to begin to fix this? How do I not annoy him? I talked to him a lot about hanging out more and doing stuff we used to do and that maybe it would help bring us back together. He said he’s content being by himself and kind of already has his mind made up but eventually he agreed to get back together “for my sake”. I asked him to keep an open mind and to communicate with me by calling and texting so we can try and make this work. He said he guesses he could do that. I’m still staying at my sisters to give him space but since I left on Monday he has not contacted me at all. I’m trying to be strong and not text him or anything but it’s hard. I just want us back. We talked about taking a day trip on Saturday but he wouldn’t completely agree to it. He can never seem to make plans for anything hurt in case something else comes up. If I don’t hear from him should I contact him Friday night or Saturday morning to see if we are going to do anything? Ugh this is just so hard and I don’t know how to make it better.
You can only help him make it better for himself, but if he doesn’t want you around, then there’s nothing you can do. People deal with things in different ways, and if he feels he needs to be alone, then that’s all you can offer him.
You two don’t seem to have a peculiarly bad dynamic going on aside from the confusion on his part. Take solace in the idea that there’s a good chance he’ll try to reconcile things after getting his head on straight.
And now the truth has come out… He came out about the drug issue and we took “a break” because I confronted him about cheating. So instead of saying yes to the cheating he gave me the “I’ve been doing drugs our whole relationship” instead so I wouldn’t push more on the cheating. We ended up getting back together after all of that then one day I came home early from work not feeling well and found the girl I confronted him about in my bedroom. Come to find out he had been cheating on me for a little over a year with this girl. I was heartbroken. I pressured him into trying again and he agreed. He stopped all contact with this girl for 4 months. Everything seemed to be better for a little bit but then he started drinking heavier again. Then a week ago he went out drinking all night and didn’t come home. I confronted him about it the next day and he said he talked to and saw people he shouldn’t have (meaning the girl he cheated on me with). He said he called her up, told her he missed and cuddled and talked with her all night. He said it felt like the right thing to do at the moment but felt guilty about it now. I was devastated. He said this is it for us and he even seemed happier about it. I asked him if he felt happier and he said he didn’t know about that but he felt like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. He said he had been thinks about this for 4 years (WHAT?!?!??) and was finally man enough to say something and end it now. We are still living together until we figure everything out and he said he wouldn’t see her until I’ve left. Im devastated and completely heartbroken. It’s so hard being here but not being “together”. I ask him where he’s been when he’s out (recently he went on a 3 day drinking binge) and I can’t seem to help myself. I know we are not together but we are still living together. I can’t help but ask where he’s been. I know he doesn’t like it. I’m going to eventually leave but it’s just so hard. I want him to want me and want him to miss me when I’m gone. I plan to do no contact when I leave but just want some hope that maybe we can rekindle our relationship sometime. I just feel absolutely horrible at this moment. I don’t know what to do… Any advice?
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