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Hi all,
I write this with a heavy heart… I just found out a few hours ago my mom has stage 3 cancer and I am beside myself. It’s hard to imagine the feelings someone goes through until it happens in your family. I know there are more important things going on in my life right now than worrying about NC but I was wondering if I am just setting myself up for issues if I go to her for emotional support when I need it the most
My ex and I broke up about 20 days or so ago and so I started no contact, she is 23 and I am 24 and dated for 2 years. She broke up with me because she said at this time she doesn’t see a future with me. Background: I met her in college and we had a great first year with no fighting at all and in the second year we had some but nothing serious. I really thought she was the one. A few times she tried to talk to me about the future and I got a little defensive, not because I didn’t see a future with her but because I felt she ambushed me with it. Any way months later aka early this month, she broke up with me because she wasn’t sure if she saw a future with me anymore.
We determine it was a miscommunication, she thought I didn’t see a future because of little things I did, like get defensive when she asked and for the fact I didn’t have her spend much time with my parents aside from a football game with my mom. Because she thought I didn’t see a future she starting convincing herself she didn’t either. It wasn’t a bitter break up, it was sad we both cried our eyes out and admitted we still loved each other and wanted to be apart of each other’s lives. I asked for a little space and time. We haven’t talked since the second of April and I had really been working on myself and making improvements.
Forward to today when I got this bomb from my parents about my mom being sick. Everyone seemed optimistic but stage 3 of 4 is still stage 3…. I would reach out to one of my good guy friends but this is just something that feels too emotional and hard to talk through with your good friend.
My ex knows me so well and I know she would be there for me in this time where I really need a shoulder to lean on. I wonder if choosing to lean on her at this time would be bad or good. I know she would be there for me, but at the same time I don’t wanna put her in a bad position or if I should even break no contact. I just kinda feel this is way more important than no contact, but at the same I don’t wanna damage the relationship
Help please me guys.
I actually understand what you are going through. One of my family members has stage 4 breast cancer, its already spread and they are giving her two months. But anyway, I think you could go either way with this one. I do recommend you continue no contact, to show her when the time comes that you CAN get through something this big by yourself (independence in other words) but it is stage three cancer. If your ex and your mom knew each other, and liked each other (you said you’ve been dating 2 years) then I would break it to tell her. Its clear that she still cares about you, and I think that something like this might, in the long run, bring you closer together. Its a horrible price to pay, getting closer with your ex at your moms expense, but I don’t think anyone would blame you, not even your ex, if you needed a shoulder.
yeah it’s been 20 days of 30 so I feel bad breaking it at this point but at the same time, this isn’t the type of thing you go through alone. It’s long, she starts chemo in a week and i know I am gonna need someone to help me be strong while my mom enters the fight of her life.
I think that’s okay to be honest. Its not like your breaking NC after only like 5 days or something. I think, under the circumstances, you’ll be able to get away with only having twenty days
I also had my father fighting with cancer and before that i had some other tragedies in my life..so i can truly relate to ur situation…
I understand that you want her back because you truely love her and not because u need her… But i think if you tell contact ur ex straight after you found out about ur mum, she will get the wrong message (that u want her back coz u need her). Of course every situation is different and u know her better. But i would give it at least 1-2 weeks more… Meanwhile just focus on ur mum. Be strong for her coz she really needs ur 100% support. And if u need a friend to talk to, i am here to listen.
U never know may be ur ex will find out about the situation and contact u before u do…Jasminka, my guess is she won’t know about this situation unless I tell her. I tend to be fairly private about these situations but sometimes you just need someone to talk to who has been there for you. I spoke a little bit with my buddy about it but at the same time you can’t really be 100% vulnerable because that’s your boy.
I have heard that especially mothers worry about how their kids are doing and if they are ok rather than themselves. I need to be strong for my mom but at the same time you can’t always be strong in these kinds situations to help pick you up when you are feeling week. Last night after I found out I acted positive and as if everything was cool, but after I left and was 10 min into my drive home I broke down and the water works started flowing. That was a time where I really wish she could have been there for me to call and come over. I know I will have more moments like that as my mom starts getting chemo and starts to go down hill From the effects. It would be nice to have a little support outside my family.
I’d find someone else to rely on. This is going to feel like a huge unwanted burden to your ex so it be a major mistake to bring her this bad news. Find other female friends that you are close too or reach out to a support group in real life or even online. It will help just to talk about it with others. And unfortunately there are many in your shoes.
This is something way too heavy for an ex-gf to bear on her shoulders. Worst of all, she’s going to feel like she has to talk to you even though she might want to spend time with someone else just because you are going through this. And she can even begin to resent you for it. Continue NC and leave her out of it. And although you may find talking to her about a serious situation comfortable, like others said-it’s not going to have a positive affect on your state of affairs with her. It’s not her role in your life anymore to be the one that you rely on when bad things happen. That’s like the hardest part of any breakup to accept.
I think I may just wait out the rest of the NC and then just try and follow Kevin’s steps and just build the friendship. Once that is re established that may be a better time to talk about it.
I think it will be difficult to hide something like this from someone who you had been with for two years. You can tell when their vibe just isn’t right
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