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Long story short, ex came back, said all the right things back in middle October, and we’ve been casually dating/getting to know one another again ever since. He was my date to my best friend’s wedding on 12/18 and since then has been in NY for the holidays. He’s spending New Years at the beach with his parents since they just bought a new condo there (he’s a big family guy) and two of his friends from college will be there as well.
Well, he has a ton of female friends, and he told last night that these 2 friends are girls, and they’re actually riding back down here with him tomorrow, staying with him for a couple days, and then going with him to the beach where his parents will be for New Years. All of this also extends over 12/27, the day I met him. I let it be known that I was hurt and not very comfortable with it, and I was pretty jealous, all because he’s spending the first day I met him and New Years with other girls. I’m also pretty confident that one of these girls is his ex that he dated for a long time in college (they broke up in 2012). He said he understands, and didn’t outright say “no” when I asked if one was his ex, but he did say things that would lead anyone to assume “no” was his answer.
Then he proceeds to ask me what I would tell people we are if they were to ask. Which that confused me. I said “I tell people we’re getting to know each other again.” I acknowledged I probably didn’t have much of a right to be upset since we aren’t official yet, but other than that he simply said he was asking because he was curious. I also made sure to tell him that so far all of his friends I have met have been great, and I’m sure they are too, but I am pretty hurt.
I’d had a good feeling about us after the wedding, and while he was in NY he had a phone interview for another job and he said if he got it he was going to go to Europe for a trip and then seemed to get offended when I guess I made it seem like I wouldn’t be interested in going with him. Which to me seemed to indicate things were becoming more serious regarding us on his end, but I’m just so confused by all of this. Like I said, he volunteered the information that it was 2 girls going with him, so I’m guessing that means it’s not “that kind” of thing and I have nothing to worry about, but still I guess it’s the principle of the matter.
Hi, Laur! I’m glad you updated us… I know I’ve been hard on this guy in the past, but for once, I don’t think he’s got anything up his sleeve. I think this is your PTSD talking. It must feel so hard to trust him after everything that happened, but if you really want things to work out again, it’s important to take him at his word until you really get a true instinctual sense that something is wrong.
The difference between Fear and Instinct:
Fear (or, False Evidence Appearing Real) feels bad. Unless there’s immediate danger – i.e., your car is about to fall off of a cliff or you hear that there will be layoffs at your company – fear is rooted in the traumatic past or the worst possible future. It causes panic and sweating; it keeps you up at night.
Instinct doesn’t feel good or bad. It’s a neutral sensation, something you simply “know”, something you perceive first and feel later.
I totally get feeling jealous of female friends, but he did tell you about them first and sometimes friends are just friends, even of the opposite sex. He’s not going to be alone with only girls, and these friendships predate your relationship. I think this seems innocent to me, although i DO disagree that you don’t have a “right” to be upset just because you’re not technically exclusive yet. You might not have a promise ring on your finger, but he has put you through a lot and of course you get nervous. But maybe try to relax this time until you get a clear, neutral sensation that something is weird.
Thank you @penelope4. I think you’re right, it’s definitely my fear and PTSD from everything coming back into play. I did get confirmation one of the girls is his ex, though, and I’m most definitely not comfortable with that. Realistically I know it’s highly unlikely anything like “that” is going to happen, and the possibility of them getting together isn’t really feasible either since she lives in upstate NY and we’re a 14 hour drive away from that.
But she is his longest relationship (4 years) and while they have been broken up for more than 3 years that’s still a long relationship, and lots of memories. I guess I’m just nervous I’ll get compared to her and come up on the short end. Again, realistically I know that may not be very likely since our first time together he told me he was in love with me, that I was the only girl he’s ever been in love with and (more recently) the only girl he’s ever been able to completely be himself with.
I guess it’s all this being away from him too that’s making me a little sad. This will be the 2nd week I won’t see him, during a time that a lot of people are very couple-y, so I guess that’s tripping me up.
So just a little update. Nothing has happened between the 2 of us as of yet. I was hoping to see him yesterday evening but his friends wanted them all to go to dinner. I didn’t fish for information, but he was again forthcoming with information so again not like he’s hiding anything. In general I’m in a better place mentally. I have no reason to believe something is up or that he would do anything to mess up what we have or to hurt me. Logically speaking, they broke up in 2012 and from the information I know it was a pretty immature/young relationship (even though it was long); and she lives in upstate NY. I’m going to do my best to mellow out, preoccupy myself, and let this go. Instead of focusing on the fear, I’m going to focus on myself and the relationship.
Another update for all of you. I’m not feeling very good vibes. We were texting today. The girls are still here. They ended up not going to the beach (idk why) and stayed up here. Today they went to the mountains for an overnight trip. Whatever, that’s fine. That’s not what I’m concerned about.
I’m concerned because I told him I missed him and that I would like to see him when he’s done playing host. (I haven’t seen him since 12/18.) He didn’t acknowledge either of those 2 texts. That added to him saying, in a past conversation, “idk” when I asked him what he would tell people we are, the fact that I have been initiating the conversation for a while now, and that I have been the one asking for dates all give me the impression that things may not be okay.
Hi, Laur… Sorry i haven’t responded recently. Is there any news?
I feel that you’re so nervous now, Laur, and while I thought maybe being nervous about him hanging with his two female friends was your PTSD acting up, I have to admit that if he were really making you feel secure, the PTSD wouldn’t be so much of an issue. Jealousy is a symptom of insecurity – he put you through so much in the first place and now, as you’ve said, he said all the right things back in October but he doesn’t seem to be backing them up properly with actions. I can’t help but feel that he should be working a little harder to make you feel good…
anyway, that’s my piece.
Hi Laur,
I just looked back on your story, I wish I had some words of encouragement. I agree with penelope his actions are not matching his words.
If he truly wants to be with you, he should be making this official.
Hi everyone, it’s been a while since my last update, but that is because nothing has really changed. I have tried to see him, but every time he is busy. His excuses have been legit and not made up (brother coming into town, sick, etc), but at this point it’s gotten pretty obvious that I am being taken for granted. There are other times he could see me (grab lunch on his lunch break, meet up after his night class ends to study and sleep) and he hasn’t tried seeing me then either.
So, after doing some thinking and talking it over with the 2 people I trust most about the situation (my best friend, and one of his friends) I’m officially going NC again. I am not sure for how long, but I am not going to beg him for his attention. If he wants to see me, he knows where to find me.
In the meantime, I may be going out with some of his friends tomorrow evening. The friend I typically talk to invited me out, so we will see what comes of that. I’m tired of having a Friday night open to see him and not seeing him or going out. So I’m planning on going out tomorrow evening, having fun, and maybe even meeting someone new. Don’t get me wrong, I do still want to be with him, but at this point I think NC is what may be best. I thought he knew what he had with me, but I guess I was wrong.
Oh, and just so it remains clear, I haven’t seen him since 12/18.
I think what you are doing is right Laura. I hope everything sorts out in your life. All the best!
Take careHey Laura,
I completely agree with you! sorry I haven’t responded and sry to hear this is the situation I definitely thought you guys were on the right track but it looks like he needs more time so NC is for the best till he decides to step up and chase you. like you said he could have definitely still made time to chill with you even if its just for a bit. stay strong hon
Thank you, everyone! I feel pretty good about my decision. While I do still want to be with him, at least with this I can get my life back and try not to focus on him but on myself. After we broke up in May, I went NC and really improved & felt amazing about myself, but when he got in a rebound relationship in September after basically leading me on during the summer, I really fell off the bandwagon. No appetite, crying a lot, lack of sleep. It was bad. This time around I’m doing a repeat of what I did in the summer that made me feel so great.
Oh, and something really cute happened (sarcasm). I sent him a text this afternoon saying exactly this: “I’m not going to beg for your attention. If you want to see me, you know where to find me.” No response, but I didn’t expect one. Well, I talked to his friend this evening (the one I trust) who had invited me out tonight but they ended up laying low because of bad weather so we’re all going out tomorrow night. He told me he talked to him, and said that by me leaving him alone I’m improving my chances. That old school “let him chase you,” if you will. Whatever.
His friend said it sounds like he may be out tomorrow night with everyone as well. This will be interesting.
Hey everyone,
I could really use some kind words right now. Nothing has happened, and a friend of mine and I went out and had a great time. But I’m just feeling sad over this whole situation. I don’t get why he would come back to me, say all the right things, only to do this all over again. When I spoke with him that time when he made the decision that he wanted us to try again, it was clear he had thought about it and it was what he wanted. But once we did, I feel like I was constantly kept at arm’s length, if you will. I was never truly happy while we were together. While I don’t want our old relationship from early 2015 back, I do want him to act toward me how he did then, which was very affectionate. It was obvious he was in the relationship as much as I was. This time around it wasn’t as obvious.
I’m just really sad right now. I really do want to be with him, but I know I won’t be happy if I can’t tell that he’s just as committed to us working as I am. And I want him to actually KNOW what he wants. It feels like he is second guessing everything and questioning everything, which I guess makes sense because I did try to pressure him into exclusivity several times. But at the same time I can’t help but feel like if he really wanted to be with me, he’d be exclusive. I’m so torn.
i feel you. however, i am inspired and impressed by your commitment to yourself. but it still sucks, stay strong!
Hey Laur! I’m kinda going through the same thing as you now. 🙁 I’ll be so happy if you do read my post and give me some thoughts :’)
My ex asked me out for dinner and we ended up at his place and we talked about a lot of things, and had a lot of catchups . It was so nice our connection was still strong and I could sense that he missed me . We cuddled a little and kissed. But we ended up spending too many days together now he’s ghosting me again.. First he made me feel like we can try to work things out again, maybe starting out as best friends. I knew that I should play distance a little but I can’t help it we ended up getting too close too fast now I’m not sure what to do again.. I guess I’ll make the some approach as you and start NC again and working on myself again.I felt that guys just hate commitment that much don’t they? :/ And they only realise and start to know they should appreciate something when it’s gone. So I really feel that playing a little distance now is the best bet for ourselves and the relationship.
I’ll be here if you need someone to talk to! Let’s stay strong together <3Thank you, both of you. I’m trying to get my mind off of him, but it’s hard. I even made a couple online dating profiles (got lots of attention so far, but no one I’d actually consider) but I feel very torn about it, because I’m still in love with him. It isn’t exactly fair to another guy for me to go on a date with him if I’m still in love with someone else, you know?
Oh, and I should add that I did look at his online dating profiles he had set up months ago, just to see if him being busy was BS and if he had potentially found someone else. But he hasn’t been on either of them since before Christmas, and one he has even hidden from other users (meaning he doesn’t appear in searches and no one can actively message him). That also makes me feel a little bad for being active on my profiles :/
@moonbunny Your situation pretty much mirrors mine exactly. I think both of our guys genuinely wanted to try again but began to get scared. I also think we were making it too easy for them, and not playing hard to get and letting them chase us (I definitely know that’s my case). I guess that’s what we need to do. <3 My NC isn’t indefinite or for a specific period. I’m basically just not contacting him first if that makes sense 🙂
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