What is going on now?

Breakup Help reconciliation
41
you gotta find a “reason”, but it’s gotta be kinda legit, to reach out to her or run in to her. Do you really wanna leave it up to blind luck that you will run in to her? If she thinks you’re still pissed, she might be wanting to avoid the confrontation all together.
Not hard. We both spend a ton of time at the Gym, and I also happend to work there.. And one of my female friends can give me a text if she see my ex...mno problem. I can make it happend if I want to.. :)
The girls are probably right, she’s looking, but her guard will be up. She might be more receptive to “friendship” now. So you might get a better response, and if you’re not as “needy” it’ll go over better for you too.
I am thinking it might even surprise her?? "WTF, he is smiling, and is happy to see me? I didnt expect that. What is going on? Should I try to text him tonight?"
Did you block her, or just un-friend her? If you blocked her, then un-block her. If she’s just un-friended, you might “post” on a comment or something you know she’ll see…
Just un-friended her. No I aint going to do anything online that shows I am thinking of her.. Not untilll she has opened up to me first. I dont want to meet that cold should again...
I’m assuming you’re not in the US…for instance, you might send her a pic (like last year at thanksgiving) and say “hey, the holiday is here, and i was going through last year’s pic…or you mom, brother,sister broughtt up this “pic” …you remember this? (a good time)…etc etc.. (by the way…have some cool pics posted of you doing cool stuff, it’ll help the conversation..if you don’t, grab a couple of shirts and an extra pair of shoes, and go DO something kool…then post that you’ve been too busy and are just now getting around to it…even better if one of your close female friends is with you)
I have been improveing a lot in the time apart from her. And I have posted many interresting things on Instagram and Facebook. Things I know sparks her interrest and she wants to know more about it. Trust me, she is courius about it...
If she asks about FB, just tell her you thought it was best that WE have space (it was your idea), because you were worried SHE couldn’t handle being friends (flip it around)…might even include something like “i accepted what we had was over, and I as worried you couldn’t accept being friends…or something like that **ask your female friends**. Takes the neediness out (and i’d bet she’s already seen your yes on tinder). Her foolish pride might be getting in the way of making the first move. keep the conversation brief, but make sure you include you’re OK with things (accepted it) and brag on yourself a little…maybe you’ve hit a new personal bench press record (reminding her something you used to do together, without saying “hey, you wanna work out while you’re here”) or whatever. Bait her in to remembering positive things, then she might even think it’s her idea to meet you…

She cant see my yes on Tinder. She has to give me a yes first, and we will both get notified about it. So no… Not yet.

My plan is when she shows up, and am just gonna be smiling and be my own happy self. Keep good eye contact (Ive always been able to make her knees soft just by looking into her eyes), be freindly to her and just say something causal like: “Oh hey, nice to see you. Long time…”
She might ask how I am, and I will just reply “Oh you know, busy as always!”… Note how I did not ask about her.
But I bet she will start to tell how school is, and then I just end the conversation with something like: “oh that sounds great, we should talk some more, but I really gotta go now.”

Then hopefully she will text me later that day. And if she does I take it as a majer indication of interrest from her… And then maybe I can excalate the text talk, to and actually face-to-face talk over coffee…

42

well, you have a great plan. You’re still leaving it to chance, and gambling on running in to her. If you establish a friendship first, you make it much more likely she’ll seek you out…she has a reason. If you’re not at work, and your friend texts you she’s there, you’ve got the chance she’ll think “someone told him, and now he’s running up here” = needy. You’re idea for conversation is good, but it’ll seem kinda odd at the gym if you’re in the middle of a workout and leave… and seem REALLY odd if you’re not there, show up, have a 3 sentence conversation, then leave.

I think it’ll take more than a day or 2 for her to reach out if you “run in to her”, and leave the conversation hanging …it’s great and confident, but she’ll want to process what just happened (and wait to see if you’ll chase her…text her like crazy when she doesn’t contact you)…

43

Update from today:
Well she was in town, but she never visited the gym. She normally goes to the gym every day. But I dont think it was because of me she didn´t go. It is the hollidays so I guess today was family day. :slight_smile:

But I am gonna stick with the plan. I need to bumb into her when I can. Then be my own happy self. Flirt a litlle with her, and show her I am not angry and she shouldn´t be affraid of contacting me if she wants to…
Last time we were in contact she clearly wasn´t ready for it. So this time: No mistakes.

The people I know who have visited her Instagram and Facebook profile all tell me that there is something fishy about it. She is really making a big effort to letting people know how much she just loves the people around her, and how happy she is. They all say it seems like she is trying to hide how missirable she really is. Maybe even trying to hide it from herself? (Keep telling yourself something and you will end up believing it)
And the love images/quotes… It is a way to say I need love. Maybe from me, maybe not. But still… They are a way of asking for love. The females I have talked to have all agreed on this…

44

I think your chances go from slim to none, especially after her not going to the gym while in town. It may not have ben because of you, but you gave her no reason TO show up. Establishing the friendship is THE way to go for you. Last time, you probably weren’t ready… but now u’ve done the 30 days n/c, made improvements, etc… and now YOU’RE ready. Your odds keep going down. You can still do everything you wanna do in your plan, except you give her a reason to contact you. Right now, you’re only extending no contact, which doesn’t help. YES, her messages probably mean she’s looking, but she’s not looking at you… and she probably is miserable, because something is missing… YOU. But she has to have a reason to reach out to you.

45

Exactly. She needs a reason. I would just prefer to see her face to face, flirt a little so she sees I am not upset… Then she will come to me…

I had a few other ideas in mind:

A) try to “like” on of those love quotes she posted, and see what happends…
B) send her a love letter, letting her know how much the releationship meant to me, and all I wish is for her to be happy…

46

preferring her come to you, means you have to encourage her to do so.

Let me ask you this. Reverse the roles, you broke up with her… she was maybe too needy and pushy the first time you talked… then you “like” a lovey thing as the first thing you heard from her in months… or she sends you a love letter?

liking one of the quotes= needy.
love letter = needs.

you can do the same thing you wanna do in person, over shat or text. She’s made up her mind about something…whether it’s she doesn’t wanna run into you, or you’re mad at her, or a number of other things. It’s up to you to change it. She can be fine without you, or she can simply replace you (if enough time goes along).

Being cool and collective means doing things different than you did before. Like RR says, use the friendship, but re-frame it: Hey, I really thought we could be friends, I was just afraid you would take it wrong and couldn’t handle it (it also sounds a little cocky)… I really valued my time with you, and we had some incredible times (use example of bliss here)… and I understand if you can’t be friends with someone you were so close to (…or so intimate with)

47

Just a little update from me.

1 week left till christmas, and that is when she is coming to town. She is still spending a lot of time with her female friends. And a couple of times with a male friend. (I dont know who he is)
Anyway: The female friends of mine all say the same thing. Based on what she posts online, is seems like she is missing what she had. And we are all guessing she just asumes that all hope with me is lost.

I am still waiting for her to come to town next week. When we bumb into eachother I will just be happy, smiling and flirty with her. I will try to keep everything as short as possible and not talk to much. She just needs to see I am not angry with her, and all hope is not lost for her. Hopefully that will make her try to make contact later by text.
This time when we text I will not make the same mistakes as the last time.

  • I will not give her any compliments
  • I will not talk about feelings, or any other things that can make me seem needy
  • I will not say or do anything that could make her feel guilty for breaking up
  • If SHE starts talking about the breakup I will just take blame for it (Dont worry about it, it was my own fault. I took you for granted and you deserve much better then that)
  • I will keep my replies short but friendly
48

Oh… And if she brings up the “Why did you remove me as friend and disappeared?”, I am just gonna say “It didn´t seem like any of us was ready for a friendship” or “It didn´t really look like we could make it work”

49

i think “waiting” is bad. Give her a reason to seek you out. All of what you can do, you can do via text. Just like thanksgiving…there’s NO guarantee she’ll bump in to you. If she thinks your mad, she’ll probably AVOID bumping in to you. Taking ALL the blame is a no-no too… Just let her know you accept it.

Get creative…if you spent holidays together once before, FIND a legitimate reason to reach out. You’ll figure out quickly if she’s receptive or not. I’d say you ned to act in the next couple of days: if she’s not so receptive, you’ll plant a seed for when she’s in town (so she can think of you). If she IS receptive, you can establish a false friendship and move faster. Any type of event…church service, christmas tree’s, party, band playing/concert… just a quick “hey, i thought you and your family might like this ______… You mentioned something about it one time. I won’t be able to make it cause I’ve got _________ going on (something really great).” Then leave it alone.

To me, doing nothing sets this up: if she is hanging out with one guy, she might take him home for the holiday because she doesn’t wanna be alone. If she thinks you’re mad, she’ll avoid you at all costs. If she’s lonely, she’ll want/need someone…and if she thinks you’re mad, she will avoid you at all costs. If she’s NOT seeing someone, you broke the ice without seeming needy.

If you plant the seed, she’ll think of you, and show her you’re ok with things. EVEN if she brings another guy, you gotta play it cool.

50

Update from me:
Ok. Only 2 days left till she comes to town for the holidays. I am really excited to see her reaction when I meet her/flirt with her.

Something interresting happend yesterday. She liked one of my pictures on Instagram? It wasnt really anything interresting actually, and only very few people liked it. But her?

Right after we broke up she stopped likeing/commenting anything I posted online. And every time we texted she didn’t use smileys. She said it was because she was affraid “I would get the wrong idea”…

But now this? She is clearly very aware of how she interracts with me, and what signals she sends…
Perhaps she was frustrated that I didn’t react to the love quotes, that I talked about a few weeks ago? Perhaps it was just a moment of nostalgia… I dont know. Trying not to get my hopes up. I know more when I talk face-to-face with her. I can read her body-language like an open book.

What do you guys think about this like? A cry for attention? (Pleeeease look at me!!)

51

She’s testing the waters is my guess. Either to see if you’ll react calm and cool, or if you’re still mad.

The simplest way to find out…really quick message. Hope you’re doing OK. (Maybe With a friend request on facebook). Id hate to think the time we spent was a total waste, maybe we could salvage a friendship…

Shes paying attention, and has given you a hint. The ball is in your court. I’d say you still only have a 50/50 chance of running in to her. Be an alpha, step up… you’re past no contact…give her a reason to talk

52

Yeah, I really hope this is her “testing the waters” before comeing to town… The 2 female friends I normally talk to, guessed the same thing.
I would just hate to be the one to make the first contact. I did the last time, and she wasnt ready, even though she gave me the signs. And I remember how misirable I felt. I dont want that again…

Like I mention earlier: she is a pro athlete. She HAS to go to the gym at least 5 times a week. She cannot stay away for the 4-5 days she is in town. And since I work at the gym, I have made sure that I am at work during all opening hours (except 2 where I need to workout myself) :slight_smile:

If she doesnt come to the gym, I would take it as a sign that she is scared to face me… Or something like that. And then I could text her “Hey, are you not going to the gym during the holiday. Never expected you would be able to stay away.”
Or maybe something a little more direct: “Remember our deal. Next time you are in town we should workout together, and show me your new program”…

But I will worry about that IF she doesnt show up…

53

ok…you both weren’t ready. Maybe she misses you, and doesn’t wanna make the first move cause she’s afraid you’re still mad. If she doesn’t come in, you lose a couple of days…can be a BIG deal. A simple message: I accepted we were over, thanks for the great times. I hope we can still be friends. By the way, I’m working overtime/extra this week, if you wanna still show me that routine we talked about. I’ve got this one I’ve been doing (and find one immediately to talk about), but it’s (either not working, and why…or it’s really great, and why)…

You’ve now created the scenario for YOU… false friendship, conversation openers (working extra, friends, the routine, AND something new about yourself…the new routine, good or bad, it opens conversation), no pressure/expectations, reassured her you are OK with things and NOT mad, and put the ball in her court. If she contacts you, then you can play it cool. If she doesn’t, you know she was “fishing” for a reaction, and then play it cool at the gym, and she MIGHT still run in to you…which if she does still show up, you’re still in the game at the SAME place you would be if you took your approach by only relying on waiting…

54

She came by today!!

What happend was:
As she worked out, everytime I passed by she turned her back so I could not get a good eye contact or smile to her. Very strange. My female co-worker noticed this as well…
But hey: last time (2 months ago) she was indifferent. This time at least I am getting a reaction from her :slight_smile:
Anyways… About half an hour later ahe was on her way to the dressingroom, and we passed eachother on the stairway. This time I smiled and just said “Hey you ain’t done yet, are you”, she just laughed and said “Hehe, no only halfway”.
After this she changed. She could now look at me as I passed by, she gave my a cute smile when our eyes meet, and she even talked to me as I passed by. I tried not to be the one to initiate it.
As she left, she gave me a big smile…
Any thoughts on this so far?..

I just got home from work. Its evening now… I hope she will send me a text tonight. If not I am looking forward to tomorrow, and see how it evolves.

55

R

56

Only time will tell. It’s hard to say if she was just being nice because she ran into you, or if she was hoping she’d run into you?

Her turning her back to you at first could mean she was nervous to see you. Or embarrassed?

But her giving you a big smile is a good thing. Let us know if she texts andor how tomorrow goes. Maybe have a few questions prepared to ask her so you don’t draw a blank.

If tomorrow goes well you could always text her at night or the next day.

Depends how much time you have to work with!

57

Update time:

23. December
She smiled nicely as she entered the gym. Said hi and everything. She no longer keept her back turned like she did at the beginning the day before. So I asume it was only because she thought it was an awkward situration and didnt know how I felt. I tried to get eye contact some of the times I passed her, and when I did get eye contact I just smiled kindly and kept the eye contact. She smiled back. Yet, I didnt feel that it was a romantic smile…
Later as she stood on the threadmill, and her jacket was behind her I asked what that was for. She replied “What?”, as she couldn’t hear me. Music was a bit too loud. So I repeated with a little smile. Again she couldn’t hear me, so I jumped up on the tip of the threadmill and said very loudly “What is the jacket for?”, so she laughed a bit and thought it was funny. We talked very quickly. I asked where she was spending the holidays, and ask about her grandpa who had been very sick the last time we talked. She was smiling and seemd happy and talked to me. She didn’t ask anything about me…

Before she left the gym she came over and asked about one of tomorrows classes. She said kindly goodbye and left.
Still I dont get any romantic vibe from her…

Later in the evening she texted me asking about the class again.
Her: “Hi :slight_smile: I was thinking, could you maybe text me tomorrow morning if there is any avaible slots on the 10 am class. I mean, only if you are at work ofcause :slight_smile:”…
Me: “There isn’t any avaible slot left. But I have opened up another class at 11 am. And there is plenty of slots avaible on that one.”
Her: “Okay, I see. So 10 am is not possible? Who is the instruktor at 11 am? :slight_smile:”
Me: “Same instructor. Nah I wouldnt count on the 10 am class. I can book you on the 11 am class when I get in tomorrow if you want? :slight_smile:”
Her: “That would be wonderful. Thanks a lot, that is very sweet of you :slight_smile:”

24. December
Not much this day. She came to the gym, I still tried to make eye contact when I could. She smiled back at me. When she was about to leave she came over and said “It really looked like you had a nice time last night?”… Here she is reffering to some pictures I posted on Instagram from my Christmas dinner with my family. She still follows me on Instagram, but she follows hundreds of people. I always wondered if she actually see’s anything I post. Guess I have my answer now :slight_smile: I told her a little bit from our dinner, asked her about her holiday plans and then she left.
Still she is being kind/friendly, but no sign of romantic feelings.
None of our conversations have been over 1 minute…

58

Congrats. Sounds promising. Go back to R rewind…1st and foremost, forget romance (for now), and remember, what you had is dead and buried. She needs to know she can trust you as a friend again, and have fun…none of the awkward “ex” moments that would lead in to questions like what happened, and why…etc… She’s interested, or she wouldn’t have made it known she was keeping up with you.

Yes, it SEEMS sneaky and manipulative, but you gotta go with the false friendship. You’re past indifference, which is MAJOR. I say seems, because you hafta get back to a place you once were, back to the fun and friendship thing like when you FIRST started dating. Think of her as a new conquest, except you know a few inside tricks. I’d think you gotta move outta the gym, to something/someplace else. Some type of social gathering, where she will put you under the microscope and look for clingy/needy…or confident/cocky Alpha.

59

Thanks a lot for your reply.
I cant really figure out if she IS indifferent, or if she just have moments where she ACTS indifferent. Or if she is just being friendly because she has to.

But yes: no “ex moments”… I will stay 100% away from anything related to our relationship.

60

@lostinnea is right. Forget the romantic stuff for now, and just pursue a friendship. I know it’s tough! But what you have going on is promising, so just keep going. You can try texting her a bit more and see how that goes, but keep everything light.

I wish I had reminded myself of this last night… I think I just don’t know how to be friends with my ex, as we were nnever friends. We met when we were 16, started dating immediately, broke up two years later… then continued to have a sexual relationship for 10 years before starting a serious, adult relationship.

I would very much appreciate some advice from someone! As I saw my ex last night!

We went out for dinner, which went really well, I think. He told me I looked beautiful, and I was confident and I think charming? Haha. I briefly mentioned the guy i’ve been casually seeing, and he definitely seemed a bit sad… but he also spoke about his attempted (and failed) dating experiences.

After dinner we chatted at his place for about an hour, and then watched a show. Right before the show, he tried to make a move. I said no, because the day before he had told me we should just be friends, that he didn’t want to lead me on. So then we watched the show, which was an hour long…

After the show, he left the room to grab the phone and when he returned he pushed me onto the bed, said he wanted to see me naked… I said no no, and he stopped. But then I was dumb and said, “maybe just a hug?” hahah. MISTAKE! We hugged, and it felt so good. I said “I would have had sex with you if you hadn’t told me you were afraid things would get messy.” and “Will you feel guilty if we have sex?” And he said “I don’t know. Maybe not” … The day before he had said he’d feel guilty because he wasn’t ready to commit.
Anyway, I knew it was bad, as I know he’s mostly just horny since he hasn’t slept with anyone in three months… but neither had I, and I missed him. Sooo things escalated and we had sex. Twice. It was amazing, and I know he felt the same way. We kissed lots and he looked me in the eyes lots… though it wasn’t quite as good as when we were in love, I didn’t feel quiteee as connected with him last night. Buttt it was still mind blowing!
Though, I was dumb and after said something like “well, that was probably too soon” and he laughed and said yeah, we’re children. Can’t keep it in our pants…" and he said let’s just enjoy this moment and not worry. I think I asked if he felt bad and he said “not if you don’t expect anything”… and I think I mumbled something like I knew it was just sex… though I know he has feelings too… I don’t even know what I said, ugh. I was so nervous and feeling emotional and a little tipsy… He was like “you’re already doing it, stoppp!” Haha. And then we proceeded to have sex again. And it was somehow better the second time.

I slept over, but we didn’t cuddle like we used to :frowning: he must have been afraid of leading me on… while dating, we’d cuddle while falling asleep, but we didn’t last night. Though he briefly cuddled up to me during the night.

In the morning, he got up to shower for work and I decided to get changed and ready to go while he was doing that. I went downstairs to grab my shoes and came up to find him back in the room, and as I grabbed my purse off the bed he grabbed my bum, haha…I said I was late, and he asked for what… told him I was meeting my grandma to have a knitting session, haha, and he said that was really cute. He went to get his shirt on, and i walked to the door and said thanks for the dinner annnnd other things! So no hug, or kiss bye. It was kinda weird, but not.

I know it was WAY too soon for sex, and am feeling bad about it because I may have messed up all of my progress. I’m worried he’ll say we shouldn’t hang out again because we can’t resist each other, and don’t know how to be friends.

My question: should I tell him I enjoyed myself, but think we should go back to being friends? And say now that I got it out of my system, I’ll be able to resist sex. Orrrr should I just reiterate that i’m happy going with the flow, and am not worried with what happens?
Tomorrow or the next day i was going to ask if he wanted to watch another episode of the show, so I could always see what he says then? I really don’t know what to do!

I would like to continue sleeping with him and just hanging out, having fun, if I knew he had strong feelings for me. But I know he’s still on dating websites, so he’s obviously trying to meet other girls still…
In an email a few weeks ago, he told me he appreciated our relationship, but needed time to work on being happy with himself. I have no idea how much time he needs. It was pretty vague… and I believe he’s pretty confused with his feelings. As he was flirting with me for two weeks and lying about the dating websites, but then came clean and also told me we should just be friends… so I’m not sure if he’ll ever want to date me again, and I don’t think he knows either. That’s what i’m guessing, anyway.

So even if he does have feelings for me (I’m sure he does- like I said, I think he’s just not ready and doesn’t know when he will be), how long am I supposed to have a casual relationship with him? I’m assuming he’ll start to feel guilty if he meets girls, and then he’ll break it off with me. I don’t want to sleep with him until he meets someone! I don’t want that to happen, so that’s why I’m thinking I should tell him we should be friends only.

Someone help me please!!! Sorry for babbling, but I’m sad and lost and ahhhh. I really don’t know what to do.