What is going on now?

[creed]

Hi guys and girls. Hope you can help me answer some questions about what is going on with my ex now, cause I really dont know.

First of all some background. I am going to make it very very short, because you dont have all day

The relationship
Long distance relationship (1.5 hours drive)
We were very much in love. Everybody I knew told me that they could see it in her eyes every time she looked at me.

She had a job, but wanted to quit in order to go back to school.
But she also needs a job besides school. And the last 3 weeks of our relationship I could feel she was very stressed about how she could manage both things and still have a relationship with me. I tired to help as much as I could, but didn´t like the fact that our relationship was a stress factor to her.

Then came the breakup
First week of school/new job passed and she broke up with me.
She said she lost feelings for me. (7 days prior to this I came home to a love-letter about how much she loved me and I was the man of her dreams?)

Her reasons may be part true.
I am still under the impression that with 30 hours school and 35 hours job every week, she has forced herself not to feel anything for me. Either conscious or subconscious to protect herself from stress. She said it wasn´t easy to do becausee deep down she new this realtionship was right for her.

The 1.5 month
I did a NC. It worked great. She texted me many times with “how are you” ect.
After the NC we started texting. She seemed ekstreemly interrested in the new me. But after 2 days she went cold. She ignored me!
She opped in once a week, just to ask questions about my job search and how I was. She seemed very interrested again, but after I gave her the answer she went cold again… This has been going on for 2 weeks now.

Now
I cant take these mind games anymore so I have completely removed her from my life. Completely removed her from facebook and all other platforms ect. I haven´t heard from her since I did this. (a week ago)
I wonder what is on her mind right now??? Any ideas?
She hasn´t shown any sign of emotions during the break up. Even when I asked her she just said she was fine and hadn´t felt anything…
Maybe she just hides it well…

If she does ask about the facebook defriending I will just answer:
“Yes I removed you. We both need to move on with our lifes, and we cant do that as friends. Sorry”

[creed]

I know this topic got a bit long… But I hope someone will still read it and give me some comments on it

[creed]

Just found this online in an article named “7 signs your ex isn’t over you”.
This has basicly been the story of my ex. It tells it so well…
(Just swap the gender to female)

6. ONLY WHEN IT’S CONVENIENT

This is the ex that comes in and out of your life at his convenience. You hear from him when you least expect it. He wants to keep in touch with you because he wants to know if you are dating anyone. If you aren’t and you show a lot of interest in him, he withdraws and disappears again. He comes back into your life to make sure you are still available and still willing to get back together. Once he confirms those facts, he disappears again.

[nevergiveup]

Hey Creed,
sorry its been tough for you. obviously ive followed your story on here…

I think removing her from social media was prob the best thing you could do for yourself…

i feel like at the end of the day, you have to wait for her to contact you. but by wait, i mean move on with your life. dont you want to be with someone who actually wants to be with you?

my family keeps reminding me that the girl i first started dating and the girl that broke up with me are two very different people… and the girl i started dating is gone.

[travelbug]

Yes creed, move on. If you are still waiting and hoping, you are only lengthening the hurt. So, let go and move on and concentrate on your life. See, what happens. I wouldn’t contact her for another month. Start over and try to move on this time. Not hoping, but moving on. Who knows what the future holds?

[jbarber23]

Yeah I’m somewhat in a very similar situation like you. The differnece is I have been through this before; I wanted to get my gf back after me dumping her. This time im the dumpee but because of that I have some insight into how she functions. I do think each person is different, and the breakup reason does matter, however what has worked for me in this circumstance is to not be inviting with your answers. Basically women do this to stoke their own egos (sicne what better feeling to know you ex still bows down to you) so particularily after NC I would answer but leave it short and don’t invite another question or remark. If you can convey some indifference (and actually accept that youll be fine if you never end up together again) it will drive them crazy. Then start showing mixed signals. So maybe after being indifferent upon her texting you, shoot her a text about “I saw x and it reminded me of you” or something like that and then go quiet again. For me doing this really allowed me to not only gauge whether she was interested again but puts leverage on your side; which is the biggest favor you can do yourself in this situation. IF you become somewhat mixed and unpredictable from my experience it becomes easier to gauge whether she actually still wants you deep down or if she is just using you to stoke her own ego.

[creed]

Thanks a lot for all your replies.
@NeverGiveUp and @TravelBug:
Removing her completely was the best thing I have ever done. It allows me to focus on myself. I feel good and dont think about her that often. Every now and then I think of her and get a little sad. But not that often. Most of the time I accept the fact that we might not get back together…

It has been a week, and to be honest I was kinda hopeing for just a little reaction from her. Just a “what the hell” would be nice. I haven´t visited her Facebook or anything this entire week… Well… Accept from today… I just took a small look. She made a post about how many “offers” she gets from guys, and that it was very sweet of them but she was not the kind of girl who just gave her number or a date… This just makes me believe she was telling the truth when she broke up with me… She really needs to focus on herself right now…

@jbarber23
Thanks a lot. That really helped.
Since I have already been showing a lot of interrest, but now completely erased her I guess I am already sending mixed signals??

But damn… Why hasn´t she asked about it? Why isn´t she confused?

[creed]

Just a small update from me.

She still hasn´t tried to contact me. Perhaps because she think I am pissed, perhaps because she thinks I am gone for good now, maybe because she don´t care… Or maybe because she was right when she told me that she was overworked and her head couldn´t handle anymore, and wasn´t able to feel anything…
I cant know for sure, and there is no way for me to ever find out…
But I am doing much better now… NC is much easier then trying to be in contact with a cold ex…

I peeked at her facebook last weekend (yes I had a moment of weakness) and she had made an interresting update:

......... I am recieving a lot of sweet messages from guys lately. And although it is very flattering, I must say that I am not the kind of girl who just gives out my number or date... Please respect this.......

I guess she I kindly asking all guys to stay away from her. Just like she told me when she broke up: “I am NOT interrested in start dating, dont worry”

[creed]

Love to get some feedback

[bramble]

i think its odd she posted that to facebook. does she know youll be watching? its like shes bragging. she doesnt have to tell the world that

[creed]

It was on her fan page. She a very attractive athlete.

[creed]

But yes… Maybe a little odd… But she wasn’t this attractive 2 years ago. In fact back then she was only avarage looking, or a little below avarage. I didnt know her back then, but based on pictures…
So I guess this attention is new to her…

[creed]

Any other feedback?

[bramble]

i think that it may be a combination of what you said, her job and studies are probably very stressful, at least at first. and she probably is convincing herself that she doesnt feel anything. ive had many female friends that treat me like ‘one of the girls’ and i have experienced them telling themselves and their friends the opposite of what they feel/mean. the only thing i feel you can do is give it and her time. she will settle into her job and studies. maybe she feels like she just wants to focus on that. but holidays will come and i don’t doubt youll be on her mind. she said you were the man of her dreams, i dont see how she could consider being with someone else. i think we all know how rare it is to come across the kinds of relationship youve described. either she knows what shes doing (whatever that may be) or she doesnt and is being silly…

i have a story to tell that may explain what ive written. My first major relationship, we were together for 2 years. i was 17 and she was 16. as one could assume, we hadnt found ourselves or grown up. we had the usual problems teenagers/immature relationships have (jealousy, possessiveness, immaturity, insecurity) but we were very much in love with each other. these things, of course, lead to the down fall of our relationship. we broke up twice, as i recall, both my fault. anyway, to the point, we recently started talking again and she told me that i had such an effect on her, she wasnt able to find someone who could provide her with what i did, and this is four years later. she told me that no one could satisfy her in bed either, which i could only bring down to mental/emotional attraction. she told me i still have a special place in her heart, and i even told her and asked her for advice on what she thinks may be going on with my ex now. FOUR YEARS LATER and she still isnt able to find what we had. and our relationship pales in comparison to the one that ive just come out of.

[azalea]

I think she know that you watch her Facebook page and the reason she post that is too see what effect will have on you that she have to many offers and in the same time let you know she is focusing on her job and school. She isn’t over you, thought.

[lostinnea]

what did/have you done during the NC to improve yourself? Besides the positive changes in your life, have you actually gone out on at least one date? If she was contacting you a lot after the 1st NC, maybe you made it too easy. Have you tried relationship rewind? Sounds like you’re in switch, but you can’t let her get to drift (where she feels indifferent), and going strictly no contact can do just that. There’s a lot of info in that program. Depending on the “stage”, it gives advice for NC or not to use NC. One of the strategies is to subtly remind her of Blissful moments. Start with a “False Friendship”, then move to a face to face meet-up. Subtly plant bliss reminders, which kinda goes along with Jbarbera saying send mixed signals. One minute you’re OK with just being friends, but the next you subtly remind her of something good/great… it plants the seed, which becomes HER idea.

Sometimes, you just have to make her mad, REALLY mad. This evokes an emotion, and gets her out of indifference. Which can be done with Facebook, and using other girl “friends”…or, actually go out on dates. Women are JUST as competitive as men. Get VERY active on FB (even if you removed her, she’ll be watching). It’s highly probable that she’s focused on school, and work, and if she’s an athlete, working out. She’s probably using them as distractions to keep HER mind busy off missing you, and moving toward indifference. Even just hanging out as “friends” can give you opportunity to flirt with other women… or even better, if you have a really good female friend, arrange so she’s present when you’re hanging out as a “friend” with the x. There’s an old saying: they may not want you, but they don’t want another one having you. As you said, she wasn’t “all that” a couple of years ago. If she’s using you to stroke her ego, use that against her. But you have to prepare yourself, because she will probably strike back, and go out with someone else. You have to show you’re OK with the breakup, accepted it, and are now indifferent.

[creed]

I have made sevaeral changes. New clothes, new hair, tanning, working out, put my house up for sale, looking for job in her city, started a leadership class offered by my work. Just to name a little.
I have been on 2 dates, and one more coming soon.

Yes after the first NC she was very interrested, and she noticed how happy I looked. (You seem to be doing great)…
And yes: I made it too easy on her… I got to complimenting her already on the first day we texted… And I did so for 2 days straight every time she send me a snapchat picture of her… No doubt she lost interrest again because she new I was still hooked on her…

The last time we talked I asked if we could workout sometime together, and she agreed to it… Yet she really didnt seem very interrested during the entire conversation… After that conversation I just removed her from all social medias… So I guess that is also mixed signals? To be honest, when I removed her it was both to protect myself from more pain, but also to provoke some kind of feelings/reactions from her. I didnt really care if it was anger, hate or sadness… Just some kind of emotions…

I haven´t heard from her for 2,5 weeks now. She KNOWS I removed her from the social medias. I dont know what her reaction to this have been. Maybe she doesnt care, maybe she doesnt contact me out of fear of being rejected, or maybe she doesnt contact me because she takes it as a sign that I need my space…?
I dont know why… The reasons could be many.

She also recieved a lot of offers on her fanpage when we were together… But this is the first time ever she has made a post about it and ask people to stop. I cant help but wondering if it was a post only to get a reaction from me???

[lostinnea]

well, agreeing to workout, then not following through and removing her from social media is more than mixed signals. At first, she might have been waiting on your to follow through with working out, and she hasn’t heard from you, she might think you’re inconsiderate and just being an A-hole. Have you suggested being “friends”? You were right there with her agreeing to workout, so you know she’s receptive to the idea. But i think i’d do something different, something to take her out of her comfort zone. Especially since working out is part of her “solution” to you. Being a regular workout partner might solidify you in the “friend zone” the wrong way. Work on being a friend, but in other ways, doing other things (kinda like dates, but not really), getting out, going places, doing things, etc.

I understand the reason why you deleted her off FB. I kinda did the same (to protect myself, and to also piss her off), and had mixed results (read mine if you want). If she asks, you probably need a good reason… I just needed space to clear my head to decide what I wanted (you taking charge), and I think we should just be friends (or something like that).

I’d say the post WAS aimed at you (to reassure YOUR “fragile” ego that she’s not doing anything, but her “ego” is still being built up by you), but also telling others to back off (there’s also the thing if she tells guys she’s unavailable, there will be some that take it as a challenge). She’s dropping a hint. Do some fun and exciting stuff, especially if it’s something you talked about while you were with her (like a bucket list type thing)…even better, do something the 2 of you talked about doing together, except with another girl (which is more dangerous, will probably make her wanna get revenge, but also make her mad as hell).

[creed]

To be honest I dont think she was waiting for me to follow through with it. Working out together was kinda our thing when we were together. We are a very active couple… But she really didnt seem that into it when I asked her. I got the feeling she just said yes to be polite, or because she didnt want to tell me she wasnt ready for it yet… This is basicly how that part of the conversation went:

Me: Hey when should we workout together so I can try your new program? :) Her: I dont know. I just started a new one again yesterday. Me: Thats ok, I would still like to try it out with you Her: Well ok then. We can do it next time I come to your city. Me: Or next time I come by your city, I am there very often anyways... Her: Why is that? Me: You know... I just have a lot of stuff... Her: Ok

She really is messing with my mind.
The last weekend we were together was so perfect. We had a great time. She was so in love with me. The way she looked at me. There was light in her eyes. She was so impressed with everything I said or did. She keept telling me I was the man of her dreams, and it was like I could do no wrong!

When the weekend was over she went home (because she had first day of school Monday) and she left me a letter. A loveletter about how much she loved me and already missed me.
And then school started and the following weekend: BOOOM, “my feelings have changed”. I went home to give her some peace to sort out what she wanted. And again one week later: A text saying she broke up with me. I told her I would not accept a breakup by text so I went to her later that week so she could do it in person. And so she did. We talked nicely, and she was cold as ice. Almost too cold… Like she was overacting it? She said she “I havent had the time to feel anything yet”

Well… I am confused… And also in doubt if this removing her was the right move to get her back… It was the right move to make me feel better, but to get her back? I dont know

[lostinnea]

wow…i feel your pain. My girl kinda did something similar…told everyone I was close to how happy she was, how great I was, she’s never been treated so good…then within 2-3 weeks, bam, it was on the way out… Mine was a combination of her ex had just started seeing someone, then her youngest son wanted to go see his son, and I wasn’t working (and she had to go to court over her oldest daughters biological father, who owes her $25 grand in back child support). The point is the stress of a lot of things will sometimes make them do irrational things, put their defenses up, and throw away something great.

You said you removed her, did you block her as well? Here’s why…if you’re trying to evoke an emotion, you need to block her. Cut off access to you and what’s going on with you…you’re trying to reverse the switch. Just removing her also tells her you’re moving forward, but doesn’t get the “I can’t believe he did that” emotion. Also, if it was the right move for you feeling better, then it was the right move period. It’s about you at this point. I know it’s counter-intuitive, you don’t wanna rock the boat, etc… but where are you now? Again, maybe it’s time to get her mad. Get her out of the Cold, icy, and indifferent, and get her fired up, passionate, and pissed off. 1)you have nothing to lose, if she stays cold and indifferent you get nowhere. 2) Fired up gets her blood pumping, then you can get her to calm down, and remind her of something great, and it knocks her off balance.

2 possibilities: 1) I hate to say it, but there’s the possibility there’s already someone else. The “I wish guys would quit bothering me” may not be just for your benefit, but another’s as well. That doesn’t mean she’s “serious” with someone, but there might be someone in the picture… especially if you live away.
2) Since you did the “let’s workout” next time i’m in town, she probably see’s that as “he’s trying to hold on”/needy. Drop the friend bomb on her. There’s a real possibility she just needs you as her friend, while she sorts out the other stresses in her life. She understands the risk of losing you, which is why she’s keeping a short string around you (as you said, stroking her ego). Doing things like you did before can send the wrong signal. She knows you two got along, working out, etc… you have to get her out of that comfort zone as a “friend”.