Hi, Ikkemarl! And Hi, Kaila. Thank you so much for your kind words and insight. I’ve been thinking so much these past few days. The first three were very rough; I know he never promised me anything, but it really seemed like he was there with me. I really thought I would finally be brave enough to love him in the real world, with spoken words and shared emotions; that we would finally get it right. It seemed so thrillingly inevitable. To see him still so wrapped up with his ex made me feel used and played with. Plan B, when she was Plan A. That’s been devastating. I wish I could believe he loves me, Ikkemarl.
I spoke to my friend Angelo and he told me that i’m selfish, that I only think of myself; never what F needs and wants. He’s right. My terror of rejection keeps me wrapped up in my own head. I’ve loved him all by myself; I never invited him to be a part of it. And it looks like I’ll never get that chance.
I think that the best way I can love him right now is by letting go. Stop trying to “get him” and instead, treat him with kindness and empathy; after all, he’s heartbroken, and who understands better than me right now? If I can get out of my own head and think about him, maybe that will be the best way I can actually love him in the real world.
Today I had a piano lesson and tried to think what I would do if a friend of mine were upset. So I made brownies from scratch and brought them to school with me. He was holed up in his office with my piano teacher and I poked my head in and said I’d brought something to eat. The teacher was excited; F was glum. I went close to him hoping to kiss him on the cheek, but his body language was forbidding so I just touched him on the shoulder lightly. I asked how he was and he said, “BAD,” covering his face with his hands. The teacher asked, “Why?” and he said, hesitating “I can’t SLEEP.” The teacher asked why again. F hesitated again, “It’s HOT.”
“So get an air conditioner,” said my teacher.
“I HAVE one. It doesn’t WORK.”
“I’m not sleeping either,” I said. “I understand.”
i said I’d brought brownies and they both ought to eat because they never eat at that school. He continued being grim. My teacher picked up a brownie and said, “This is great! Saint Penelope!” F didn’t touch the brownies. As I was leaving, I called out to him, “Eat something, okay?” He grimaced.
All through my lesson I kept trying to think of nice things to tell him that might cheer him up. I settled on a story about my sister in law; how when she wanted to get engaged to my brother she was freaking out, never knowing that my brother was planning an elaborate surprise proposal. All of us knew about it, but she didn’t. And she just went on about her daily life, going to the supermarket, going to work, all the while not knowing that something wonderful was about to happen to her. That I like thinking about that when things get rough. I also thought I would tell him to make sure to eat brownies because brownies are full of chocolate and tryptophan which makes you happy and helps you sleep.
When I got out of my lesson there was his coworker and one of their musician friends (the guy who was trying to hit on me at the concert). They said the brownies were awesome and asked if I wanted to listen to their jam session. I said sure. F was in the room, setting up the instruments and playing around on the bass. I said, timidly, “P and J invited me to listen to the session. I hope it’s not a problem.” He didn’t say anything, just kept fiddling around on the bass. I asked if he was going to be play and he said “No”. I made the hand gesture for “a little”, to ask him to play a little. He sat down and jammed for a good bit with the drummer; that made me happy. I love seeing him play. By the end I could see that he was smiling with the other musicians. But then he got up and left the room without looking at me. I listened to the guys play a couple of numbers and then wished them a goodnight; thanked them for the privilege of inviting me to listen to them jam. I went to his office hoping to get a chance to wish him goodnight and tell him something that might cheer him up, but he was in there with other musicians, clearly talking work. So I just waved goodbye at him and he waved at me with a normal smile. I left.
It’s a bit easier now that I know why he’s so moody; it isn’t me or anything I’ve done, it’s her. I feel a bit like I can’t make mistakes now since I realize that I’m not important to him. But I was thinking as I was leaving that maybe this is the last time I’ll see him; I’m leaving on the 25th. I started crying on the drive home.
I’ve started telling people I’m leaving, like my friend P and my friend A, who both freaked out. I wonder what F would say. If he’d even care.
Penelope, you can be with whoever you want, go on dates with whoever you want. It doesn’t mean a thing, and he got nothing to do with it. If it makes you feel better, suggest that person you go to of the towns near your town instead 
If you think its just way too soon, and if you think that you would like to keep living there, just do it. To be honest I think the biggest reason you are holding on is because you never got any closure. You kept thinking it was all your fault and that if you didn’t push him away it would be different, so now if you could just get back and do it right, it would go right. I’m talking by experience. Even if he tells you he doesnt want to be with you, or if you two try and it doesnt work out, it will hurt… but you will get over it way quicker. Your brain will just compute that it doesn’t matter anymore, that that’s not where you should be directing your energies and efforts, and turn off the switch