Hi, everyone. My problem is not opportunity or chances, but, rather, courage. I had an abusive childhood where I was told repeatedly that my abuser was a good person and I was to blame for the abuse. This left me terrified of intimacy and love. I’ve had two serious relationships with men who I wasn’t in love with (safer, since they couldn’t hurt me) and a series of dinners with other men; it is very difficult for me to be physically intimate with anyone. I have been told repeatedly that I am very attractive but I don’t give off sexual signals, therefore men hit on me all the time but rarely get the courage to make physical advances. I’m 35 years old, but my sexual experience is very limited - I’ve had two partners; my ex (who I met when I was 27) and a one night stand a year ago.
Five years ago, I met a man and, unheard of for me, I fell for him instantly. Shockingly, he fell for me, too. He was very intense - called constantly, wanted to see me every day, gave me many sweet gifts, introduced me to family immediately, cooked me dinner, hinted at a future with me. We would stay up talking until 5 in the morning. We shared some very romantic moments, and he said some of the most beautiful things to me that I’ve ever heard in my life, namely that when he first saw me he was struck, that he knew immediately I would understand him and he could understand me, that we were the same; that he liked spending time with me because I made him see old things in a new way; that I had a beautiful mind. I had never met anyone like him; incredibly handsome yet humble and generous and sensitive. He made me want to become more generous, too. I couldn’t believe someone like him would want to be with someone like me.
As thrilled as I was to have met him, the trouble started quickly; I had never fallen so deeply or so quickly for anyone, and that he was so into me, too, was terrifying. I gave mixed signals - I rejected invites, I pretended not to catch the deeper meanings of his sweet words, and when he tried to talk to me to find out why I was behaving this way, I wouldn’t tell him. And, as usual, I was physically cold: he never even got the courage to try to kiss me (although he did manage to get up the nerve to give me a few sensual back rubs). I shut down his two shy hints that he was ready to be intimate. After two months of this (and after behaving coldly to him at his sister’s birthday party; ignoring him and telling his friends that he and I were just buddies), he stopped calling me. At the time, I wasn’t taking responsibility for my actions and I was crushed; I couldn’t figure out why he was behaving this way when he had seemed so crazy about me. Believing I had been wronged, I went into NC.
About 6 weeks later, he contacted me. He tried several times to reopen the lines of communication between us - asking me to meet him (I declined), offering to paint my apartment in exchange for a home-cooked meal (I ignored the offer, instead inviting him to my birthday party and sending him and invitation where only men were listed as guests). I was so hurt from him cutting me off 6 weeks before and still terrified of my feelings for him. I thought the fact that he hadn’t kissed me meant he had only been playing with me. This went on for a few more months, and then he disappeared completely; wouldn’t answer my calls or my texts. I met many other men but couldn’t get him out of my mind. One day I called him and told him how much I had appreciated our friendship and that it would be nice to have a coffee together now and then. He agreed and said we could meet soon. But when I called to follow up, he wouldn’t pick up the phone. I didn’t see or hear from him for six months. Then I learned that he was in a serious relationship. I was devastated.
For the next year, we ignored each other in public - it was horrible. I made new friends, I threw myself into my work, I tried dating other men (who ALSO didn’t make physical advances!!), I tried to work on myself and become a better person but nothing worked; I couldn’t forget the time we had spent together and every time I saw him, I was back at square one. But he seemed to be content with his girlfriend and I took this to mean that he had never cared about me so of course I wasn’t going to interfere. In that year, I realized how much I had been to blame for the course of events and I knew I would never be able to move on unless I told him how much he had meant to me and wish him well with his life. So I began waving to him at events; to my surprise, he waved back. One evening, we ran into each other at a concert and to my utter shock, we ended up talking alone together until three in the morning; laughing, teasing each other, bringing up our old inside jokes. He never mentioned his girlfriend. This set in motion a series of similar encounters: we’d see each other at a bar or concert and end up talking for hours. Sometimes he gave me a ride home, sometimes our conversations became so intense that we couldn’t speak; just stared at each other. He never mentioned the girlfriend. And I still couldn’t tell him that I was in love with him and always had been. Once, he invited me to see the music school he had opened and I went, but by that time, guilt and terror were starting to get the best of me again - was he just using me for an ego boost? Could he really still have feelings for me? Was I morally corrupt, wanting to spend time with another woman’s man? I began to send out mixed signals again - he’d bring up something from the past (such as a particularly romantic day we spent together) and I’d react minimally. He’d try to touch me flirtatiously and I would pretend not to notice. He’d offer to buy me a drink and I’d decline, saying I had someone to meet. Once he said he wanted my help with something but I changed the subject. I was just too afraid to tell him everything I wanted to say and besides, he was still with his girlfriend! We’d have these encounters and then I’d see them together the next day, which was heartbreaking. For the sake of my sanity, I decided to distance myself - I stopped going to events, I even started casually seeing a coworker and slept with him (the aforementioned one night stand, after 4 years of abstinence).
Over the next few months, our interactions became increasingly hot and cold. I’d feel him watching at me at events, but then when I’d turn he’d look away. He often pretended not to see me in a crowd. As always, he steered clear of me when I was with other men and sometimes I even caught him glaring at me when I was with a particular male friend. But then he’d spontaneously buy me a drink, blow me a kiss, and then act nervous when I tried to engage him in conversation. He’d get lost in the middle of a sentence, smile warmly, then pinch my cheek and excuse himself. I’d greet him warmly and he’d answer coldly. Or he’d greet me warmly (rubbing my arms and telling me I looked great) and I’d greet him coldly. It was ridiculous and went on for months. And then I got a shock: I learned he had split with his girlfriend! I wanted to make a move but I wasn’t sure how he felt about me, so I signed up for piano lessons at his music school, thinking that I would get an opportunity to interact with him regularly in a place where there was no alcohol and none of our friends around to distract us. But to my surprise and chagrin, he was never there when I was. Two months of piano lessons and I felt like an idiot. But then, one night… there he was. He was clearly glad to see me and we ended up talking together for hours. He was shy and nervous at first but gradually we both melted and became giddy. Just like when we were dating, he threw out trick after trick to get me to stay talking with him. When I eventually said I had to go (I had a meeting) I could tell he was disappointed. When I saw him the next week, he was, again, clearly glad to see me and we spent three hours together, but he was avoiding emotional intimacy; when I tried to bring up something from the past or something personal, he would respond briefly and then change the topic to something like the wheat industry.
After that, our interactions became hot and cold again. He was often not at school and when he was, he was always nice to me but very guarded. I was disappointed and resolved to move on for the millionth time… once again, I began thinking that the only way I could move on was to tell him everything and when he rejected me, to wish him well and finally get on with my life. He’s 40 and I’m 35 now… how much longer can this go on?
And then, three weeks ago, I ran into him at a concert where we had another long, delightful encounter. This time it was different, though - I brought up the day we first met and his reaction was intense: he stared at me and had difficulty choosing his words. He finally said, “There was an air about you…” I hinted at the fact that when we were dating, he had misunderstood my actions. He said, “I think you were clear,” and I said, “No. I didn’t say the things I wanted to say.” We weren’t alone; one of his friends was with us so I didn’t go further than that, but the next time I saw him at school, he greeted me enthusiastically. He said he had a job opportunity for me and I should come talk to him after my lesson. When I did, the project (a translation job for a documentary on a local island chain) took over an hour to explain because we kept getting sidetracked to joke with each other and catch up on the past few months. He told me he wanted to show me his art projects. He said we’d go to the islands this summer. He kept hovering around me, swatting the gnats that were in the room and brushing the hair off my shoulders: “One was about to bite you.” We continued talking for another couple of hours - he was affectionate and became physically flirtier (unusual for him) but our conversation was interrupted by his cockblocking coworkers.
I was on top of the world; our interaction had felt so different, as though a new trajectory was being launched. It suddenly felt as though I would really be able to tell him everything and maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t reject me. I couldn’t wait to see him again.
And then, a week later, I saw that his ex (?) girlfriend had changed her profile photo to a shot of her and him, with him visible only from the waist down. A few days after that, I saw them together in her car. What the hell? Are they back together?
If they are back together, what were our encounters about? What do I mean to him? Can I still tell him everything - even if it’s just to help me move on?
If I can… what do I say?
Congrats Penelope, I know this was a big stretch for you and I’m so happy you are making progress in yourself, in your relationship with him and that I was of some help to you 
Omg Penelope I’m sure you are so funny in real life