Searched for a similar situation I am in. Closure

reconciliation
61

Hey guys it’s been a while.

Small status update since my last post.

We had been in touch for a small bit. I gave her some gifts and she loved them. Then i texted her in the wee hours of the morning telling her good morning and sending her some songs and after the third day of doing so she asked me to stop because I was waking her up and she couldnt go back to sleep. I never replied but I stopped that. That was the last time we really spoke. It’s been almost two months since that incident. That was good in the sense that it allowed me to focus more on myself but it sucked not interacting with her for so long.

Anyways the great news is that I got a job! I start next month on the 8th. I’m still in my home town and I want to get an apartment from her. I know I need to call her and break the silence and tell her the good news and ask her if I can get an apartment from her. I don’t want any special favors or anything. I want to be a regular tenant.

I realized that I do need to have my own place. When we first spoke about getting back together again she said she didn’t want me living with her because her relationship with her daughter had improved since my departure but I wanted to live there to be a full on family.

I learned that with all that was going with my life at the time, changing majors and graduating and losing my job, that I was losing my self identity and I was putting all my self worth with her. I was doing that because I loved her intensely and using her as an answer to where I wanted to go in my life but it wasn’t healthy because it wasn’t balanced. I didn’t have my own thing, my own job or place. I’m young and I have never had my own place to call my own. I went from my moms to hers and being on my own was something I was going to miss out on. Having my own place will let me grow as an individual. It’ll teach me more about responsibilities and how to be self sufficient. It will give us a healthy amount of space where she can focus on herself and the same for myself. I’m excited to get my own place. I can have my own rules and all that great stuff. Finally things are moving when I have felt stuck for such a long time!

Now, I’m excited to have my own place. It’ll be part of this next chapter of my life after school. I do love her still and want her in my life but I’m totally okay not living with her for the time being. I want to take things slow with her too. That’s another thing, we rushed too fast into things and that also wasn’t healthy. I say I want to spend my life with her so it’s a marathon and not so much a sprint.

I believe that what I have learned about myself that our relationship will flourish this time around. I’ve learned so much about myself, about relationships, and where I want to take my life after feeling lost and overwhelmed since graduating college. I’m in a much better mental state now.

Now I got to break the silence and let her know all that. I’m a little nervous but also pretty excited. I’m just nervous she’ll be cold but I got to remain confident and happy regardless of what she says.

I want to call either today or tomorrow and ask to meet up on Monday or so since I’ll be in town for another interview (it’s funny, now that I got a job I’ve been called twice by two different companies I’ve applied for interested in doing interviews, I’m doing them to keep doors open and maybe something better opens up). I want to reattract her, gain her respect again, and show her I’m not like her ex’s. That I’m me, a new and improved me excited to work and have my own place and get her back!

62

I called her just now. Told her I got the job and she said she was happy for me. I then asked her that I would like an apartment from her and she said she needs to think about it. She said it would put us too close to each other. I told her that I think she’s a great landlord and that her apartments are nice and that id like my money to go to her and not some stranger. She said she doesn’t think it’s a good choice. She said she would be glad to be a reference for another apartment. I asked her to just think about it and ended the call. Feels bad.

63

Glad you got the job, and this time stick with it in order to be able to become mature, stable, and independent. Living near her is a terrible idea and I don’t blame her for not wanting you there! Living near an ex is not smart or wise. You should understand that!

In the past you cheated, drank too much, and sent her texts in the middle of the night! These are all signs of an immature person who has no self control. You need time to grow up and think about your past mistakes and avoid them in the future.

Focus on improving your life and do not hound her with calls and texts!!

Good luck…

64

I understand I’ve done those things before but that’s not who I am now. She cheated (that’s how our relationship started) and drank just as much as I did during the breakup but I don’t hold any of that against her because it’s her past and it isn’t who she currently is. Shouldn’t it be the same for me?

When her and I talked about getting back together, she had offered to help me out by giving me an apartment before (since she didn’t want me at the house just yet) and I refused stating that it doesn’t align with her desire of me working and being responsible. I wanted to pay for the apartment, not just be given one. What has changed now? I’m ready to get the apartment now but now she doesn’t think it’s a good idea? I mean the only reason it took this long was because of the job situation and that was essentially out of my control. These two months of no contact I feel like helped her move on without me since now she doesn’t want me there. I’m hurt.

The whole reason that I want an apartment at her place is exactly to be close to her. Up until those two months of no contact we had been talking and talking about getting back together. All our email exchanges and phone conversations and texts were of us, me predominantly, discussing it. Of me telling her I wouldn’t give up or move on because the relationship was worth it. Of her professing that I’m the love of her life and questioning if the breakup was a good move. Now that I’m finally ready to make the next move, she’s unsure. That sucks. I’m showing positive improvements and growth. I would have gotten an apartment as soon as possible and a job but it just didn’t work out like that. I know I’m not entitled to anything but I’m just frustrated it took so long that I feel I lost her.

I have to reattract her and gain her respect. After the phone call I kept wanting to call or text defending myself more and fighting for it more but I didn’t want to pressure her into it or seem desperate. Now it’s just playing the waiting game again.

I haven’t given up and it’s just another obstacle to overcome. I told her that i want to live the rest of my life with her, so I’m not gonna give up easily. I told her forever so I won’t give up after a couple of months.

65

“What has changed now?” Regarding living close to her; she realized living near an ex is a bad idea! You need to stop asking her about it!! Stop obsessing about that dumb idea and get your own place further away. Geez…

“…me telling her I wouldn’t give up or move on because the relationship was worth it.” Wow, this sounds like obsession with possessive ideas. The relationship might be worth it to you, but she has a say in the matter too. It takes two people to want a relationship, not just you.

You need to be more patient and understanding!

66

I only asked her once and left it at that. I searched for other apartments yesterday since then. Isn’t that understanding?

She texted me first yesterday and we talked on the phone for a small while. I didn’t press for it and told her that I searched for other apartments. Isn’t that being patient.

Yes it takes two to want the relationship but it’s up to me to change and fix the things that were wrong to give her a new experience, one that she wants and deserves. I’ve never forced her or have given her ultimatums. I understand she has a say…

“Wow, this sounds like obsession with possessive ideas” - I guess it’s all in the perspective.

67

After she said it would not be a good choice to rent from her, then you asked her to think about it.

“I have to reattract her and gain her respect. After the phone call I kept wanting to call or text defending myself more and fighting for it more but I didn’t want to pressure her into it or seem desperate.” Good! I’m glad you’re not hounding her with calls and texts regarding getting back together as it will drive her further away. Okay, so you’ve said all you need to say about it, so now if you stop begging, it will give her a chance to think about it. And staying with the job and getting your own place will allow her to respect you more.

Good luck…

68

I got an apartment elsewhere yesterday. I get to move in on the 13th. It’s pretty nice and was within my budget. I’m excited to move in.

I just want to be interacting with her now. I want to hang out with her and show her all the positive things that have changed now.

69

Curious as to how far away from her it the apartment? Are you working full time now? Are you still in college? How long before you graduate? Don’t bombard her with too much contact! Take thing slow…

70

I’m in the same quadrant as her. The city is divided into NW, NE, SE, SW. NW is technically a different county, SE is called the ‘warzone’ because of its incredibly high crime rates, SW is a bunch of ranches. We are both located in the NE which is the nice part of town. Im a couple of minutes away from her as well my new job. It was the best bang for my buck because it came with many amenities I desired and was well within my budget. She lives by a major road in that quadrant so regardless of where I was going to live in that quadrant, I will always be just minutes away…

Yes I start my new job on the 8th of this month as a full time employee. It’s funny. I got offered a job two weeks ago which I accept and was set to start next week but they I got called for an interview for another position at another company I applied for months ago. I did the interview this week and they gave me the position on the spot. It pays twice as much as the first job I got two weeks ago and it has full benefits, something the other job didn’t offer. This week I’ve been called another two times for two other companies. Now that I got a job, everyone is calling.

Yup, I graduated school in December.

I plan on only talking to her if she initiates first, for now, since i have a lot going on right now with moving in and getting started at my new career and all that transition into full adulthood.

Yes, taking things slow… it’s been almost six months now…

71

Talked to her on the phone today. We chatted about my work, my apartment, and all the growth I have been doing. She’s proud of me that I’m taking my life in a positive direction.

BUT I think she’s seeing someone. At the end of the conversation she said she was meeting someone and I inquired if it was a friend or someone from work but she said no. I jokingly said so a stranger eh? And she deflected and said she’ll talk to me later.

Also I tried making a joke before that. She asked where my apartment was and I told her I couldn’t tell her and she simply said okay. What I needed her to say was “why?” So I could tease her about the time she looked up all the info of her ex husband’s new house when she found out. Anyways!!..

I feel strange about it. Disappointed that I took to long that she might be seeing someone. I’m trying not to over think about it. I look at the good side. She’s still talking to me and I’m capable of making her laugh still.

My question is (entirely dependent if it is true or not) why doesn’t she just tell me? I remember when we were together her ex boyfriend (the one she cheated on with me) would contact her and she wouldn’t engage. I believe she even told him that she was seeing someone (me). Why not do the same with me this time around?

I can’t do anything about it. I shouldn’t let it get to me. I just got to focus on myself still. I have lots of things to do still with moving into a new place.

72

You wrote on the 3rd:“I plan on only talking to her if she initiates first…” So did she call you?

You were doing great and now you’re playing games. When she asked where your apartment is, you should have just told her. When she was ending the conversation with she was meeting someone, you should have said; Okay, it was nice talking with you.

Jealousy is NOT an attractive attribute! You don’t even know for sure if she’s seeing someone else. And even if she is, there’s nothing you can do about it.

73

No she didn’t. I was just so excited that I wanted to share everything that has happened. I’ve read it’s up to me to interact with her and give her a great experience. With everything that had happened, I thought it was okay to spread the love

I didn’t mean to play a game, I was just trying to tease and make her laugh.

I don’t feel that I was being jealous. I just asked who and left it at that.

74

“At the end of the conversation she said she was meeting someone and I inquired if it was a friend or someone from work but she said no. I jokingly said so a stranger eh? And she deflected and said she’ll talk to me later.” It wasn’t a joke! You wanted to know who she was meeting and she knew it was intrusive, that’s why she didn’t answer and said she would talk to you later. It was a sign of jealousy and she doesn’t have to answer to you!

“She asked where my apartment was and I told her I couldn’t tell her and she simply said okay. What I needed her to say was “why?” So I could tease her about the time she looked up all the info of her ex husband’s new house when she found out.” Another attempt at a joke which fell flat. Like I said you should’ve just told her where your new place is.

I know you’re young, but you’re also immature. There’s a time and place for jokes but avoiding her questions or showing signs of jealousy isn’t funny.

I know you’ve made some progress on improvements, but try hard to be more mature at the right times. It will help her see you in a more positive way…

75

I want to see her in person. I can’t just show her how much I’ve grown through text. I need to interact with her in real life. I want to reattract her in person.

I know I have to be mature at the right times but when will I be mature enough? What is that? What is mature enough? I’m on my own two feet. I’m holding down a full time job and have my own place (two things I’ve never done before!). I’ve quit drinking! I’ve joined a writing club and I am going to start a charity event which involves two passions of mine. I have improved a great amount. Yes i suffered from some insecurities when she told me she was meeting someone, I’m not perfect but no one is. My attempt at teasing her to make her laugh might have fell flat but I’m always learning.

I know what she needs, what she wants and im striving to be the best that I can be and I can be all that easily.

I know I said I wasn’t going to interact with her but I feel that it is the wrong approach. She won’t actively text or interact with me so it’s up to me to bring her back. She’s past the point where she wants to interact with me to see where I am at. So it’s all on me…

76

Well its another small while since I’ve been on here. Here is another update.

I dropped off some presents at her house on the day of her birthday. She wasn’t home but I got a text later that day saying thank you. She also said that she sees me frequently and she sent me a picture of her and her daughter eating ice cream. The next day she invites me to go do yoga with her (I gave her a yoga mat). I agreed. So the next day I go to the studio thinking she might actually blow me off but she does show up. She sees me and smile and we hug and exchange pleasantries. We do our yoga and at the end during savasana I reach out and hold her hand. After wards we go to our vehicles and there is some weird silence before we depart as if she wants me to ask her something. So I ask her what she is doing that night and she says maybe a beer and watch an episode of game of thrones. I ask her if I could join her and she says yeah but only as friends. This is where she informs me that she is dating someone. I calmly acknowledge it and say that its okay, just as friends. So we agree to meet at a bar in an hour.

We depart and she texts me a little later saying she cant meet me because she is feeling guilty. I go over to her house but no response. I leave and I get a text later saying she was in the shower. I say I figured. I go over again but she says shes at a bar having a drink but she’ll head over. So I wait…

She finally gets home and she invites me in and we talk. We caught up and then she asks me to “talk”. So I go on… I talk about all the things that I have learned, how I have grown up, and why I still havent given up and so on and so forth. We talk for several hours. We cry and embrace each other. She says she still loves me and that she doesnt love her new boyfriend because he isnt me. She says she has something “real” with him and that he is stable and when they fight he just leaves her alone until she calms down. She also says she doesnt trust me and that it would be impossible to get back together because everyone on her side of her life do not approve of me and she doesnt want to go through with that or even how to start integrating me back into her life. She tells me she thinks the new boyfriend doesnt love her either. It gets late so we hug for a long time and I leave…

I didn’t sleep at all at night. I was stuck on her having a boyfriend and it turns out that she met him and started dating him in January. It finally clicks in my head the last time we hung out in Jan why she acted strange over her phone as if she was hiding something and she totally was. She was scared I would find out. Anyways I call in the morning because I didnt sleep well nor was I going to be capable of working with my head distracted. My manager is totally fine with it and appreciates the call.

So I get out of bed and decide to go on the train in our city, something I’ve never done, to help me process the emotions and deal with them. I meet a couple of fine older gentlemen and I spend the rest of the day with them and it helped tremendously.

She texts me the next day and asks how I am. So I call her and we talk for a while. She asks if I went to work and I tell her the truth and she has this moment of “i knew it” and says that anytime she is in my life I am an emotional mess. I defend myself stating that before I didn’t care about my last job and wouldnt call in and just stay in bed and do nothing and let it affect my whole week. This time around, I told her, that my mental health is important to me and like a physical ailment I did the responsible thing and called in to work and instead of just doing nothing in bed the whole day I went and explored the world and met people and that I came to work earlier the next day (the day of the phone call) to be ready to work.

So she texts me again later that day after work just a random picture of a dog breed that she loves and we talk on the phone. I ask if I could come over to say hi to her and her daughter and she says she doesnt want to do that to her yet… I am not sure if she did say “yet” but I am like 89% positive she said “yet” which I think is a pretty big thing.

I wrote her a hand written letter explaining more things and acknowledging all the things she has to go through if she decides to get back with me and more things explaining why it will be worth it. I have yet to give it to her, i dont know if it is a good idea.

I tried calling her today but no answer or response as of yet. I only called once and left it at that.

I think the biggest things is that:
She says she doesnt love this new man even after five months of being together because he isnt me
She invited me to go see her and she almost didnt show up (because she felt guilty) but she did show up to go to yoga
she invited me inside her house when I came over when she told me that she couldnt see me
We talked for several hours
She texts me to see where I am

I remember when we were together, her exboyfriend that I stole her from would text her periodically and she would not engage with him and with me being the ex now she is interacting with me, talking on the phone with me and saying things like she loves me still. I think that is huge because if she was over me, she would ignore me like she did before with her other ex.

It hurt real bad finding out she got into a relationship so soon… She said I should just do the same because she didnt wait for me but again I stood my ground and saying that she is worth all this that I am going through. I told her that she pushed me to be this new better version of myself and I didnt want to give myself to another person because I am hers.

Anyways thats where I am.

She goes to disneyland next week and she said just with her and her daughter but I honestly dont believe her. Her new boyfriend also has a daughter around the same as hers. I find it hard to believe she is just going with her daughter alone.

77

Trying to explain why you are better than the other guy and that you are improving yourself for her sake is the wrong thing to do. It means you are still on her hook.

If it were me I would not send the letter and I would tell her that I need space because of the pain I had been feeling. That means complete NC. If her feelings for you are strong then she will reach out to you.

You have said that you have improved yourself, which is really great, but you still need to break away from her because you are still hung up on her.

78

When we talked I told her that I wasnt there to say that I am better than him nor during any point of our talk did I talk about him negatively. I focused on what I have gone through and areas I have improved…

However in the letter I ask questions that are in reference to him.

I told her that yes she is the reason as to the start of my improvement.

Of course I am hung up on her.

I dont think more NC is the way to go. I have to go and actively create the feelings of attraction. Leaving her alone will let her focus on her new relationship with this new man and get over me fully. She said she doesnt love him because he isnt me and now it is up to me to light that fire from this kindle I have. That isnt going to happen by just stopping communication. She started talking again to me and I just have to show her that I have changed and not just faking it. I have to go out and make it happen.

79

I think telling her that I need space because of the pain that I am feeling is manipulative as well as disingenuous because I only felt bad that one day but I have since been able to gather myself in a collected manner. It would also show that I am emotionally weak by needing this space because my feelings are hurt to the point I cant bare to talk to her. By being okay with it and not letting it deter me (at least for long) shows that I have become more emotionally masculine and I believe that is an attractive quality. I am okay. Yeah it sucked when I found out and it was a bit much to soak in at once but now I am okay. I am using what she has told me as fuel to not give up. She might be with him but it sounds like its a rebound. It was only three months after we broke up and she doesnt love him because it isnt me. She is still talking to me and she even said she loves me when I saw her this last time. THIS IS HUGE. I cant mess it up by saying “I need space, my feelings are hurt”. I need to be strong and show her that I wont even let this deter me and that I will continue on.

80

Ah well that changes things. I still think you should not send that letter and only talk to her occasionally.