Searched for a similar situation I am in. Closure

reconciliation
41

Everyone has a chance at getting back, even if you cheated and she lost attraction.

One of the things that stuck with me on this site, is it says your ex asked for a breakup, so give them what they asked for. I think of the saying, be careful what you wish for, as you might just get it.

Then later down the road, they may wonder if they made the right choice. If you give them the breakup they want and move forward with your life and find happiness without them, they may finally experience the loss and pain of breakup and look back at the relationship they once had and want it back.

42

I think of the emails she sent me when we broke up the time before last. Those emails tell me we had something pretty special. She said she was sickened with our separation and couldn’t sleep. She said she thought of our love, and all that I showed her, and that she was sick that she was walking away from possibly the love of her life. She felt that she didn’t deserve me. I know she loved me intensely.

The way we talked close to thanksgiving tells me the love we had was real and intense. How she cried. Her voice broken.

The night we hung our last told me how at peace we were enjoying our company. How we kissed all night. How we cuddled.

I do still believe we can be together and make it work. The stuff she posts on her IG makes me think she isn’t over me, except for one post but it was still directed at me… But like you said i got to let her go through the break up and really experience it. It is hard nonetheless. I cry multiple times a day, even after two months of being separated.

I started reading a book today called “the evolution of desire”. I got to the part called “what she wants” and I saw I lacked in some important areas, which I was aware of anyways. I want to continue working on those issues I can change. I wasn’t far off, really. I just need to be more consistent.

I think about all the positive traits I had and we had as one. They are numerous and some were quite unique. But the areas I lacked were placed as a premium (according to the book) so she finally made the decision to leave me. But still I see all the many great things that we had. I hope like you said that she’ll eventually see what we truly had and indeed want me back. Shoot, I think she was there several times already going off how she would initiate contact and to the point of inviting me over. However I had to mess it up once more…

I think about that text I sent. My cousin and his gf, and an old friend of J’s all agree that that she was lying and she was indeed seeing him. I’m starting to believe it more and more. And if it is true, i wonder how that text I sent (i hope your date went great) really affected her. If it is true, then I would have essentially called her out on it and perhaps that confused her and that’s why she said she wasn’t mad and why she backed off. Another reason I believe it might be true is because of what her cousin told me about her when she was going through her divorce initially, she was seeing multiple guys. So maybe she started up again and when I sent that text it really threw her off. Idk. Like I feel that my text wasn’t really that bad if she was indeed on a text and that she didn’t want to be called out on it and lied that she wasn’t.

I think of my positive merits, and truly I am good person! She said that she just needed me to have a job and that I tried but not hard enough. I am trying now! But damn I do need to get a hold of my emotions. The book says women look for older guys because they are emotionally mature and I’m 11 years younger than her so it’s a big difference in emotionally maturity (even though I am more mature than many of my counterparts which I was able to get with her anyways). I feel that I am rambling.

She hasn’t blocked me on IG yet so I guess that’s one piece of good news, I feel that if she was truly over me she would have blocked me. I sent a merry Christmas message to her sister and later that day she posted a picture of them together (something she hasn’t done yet on IG because she says she hates her sister) so I know she is posting certain things because of me.

I know we can get back together! I am grateful that I have the chance to do so. I am thankful that i am aware of the things I need to work on so I can work on them. I just have to take it day by day and realize it’ll take a lot longer than just a month of getting it together. Wish me luck on my interview tomorrow! I hope I can get it! I feel ready to kick butt on the interview tomorrow and i hope I get an offer tomorrow!

43

Good luck with the interview! I think you’re on the right track with your efforts to get a stable job and with trying to get better control of your emotions:) I wish you the best of everything…

44

Thank you for the kind words.

The interview was insanely hard. It lasted just over an hour and I was grilled hard about the job that I am going to be doing if selected. I think I did okay but I didn’t kill it. They said theyll make their selection by the end of next week, I’m hoping for the best. I also didn’t get the job for the camera operator either. The search continues.

I know I need to stop but I’ve been looking through out message history and realized that in November we only went a maximum of 12 days of NC before she reached out. I also noticed that after the break up I have done way worse (making that public IG profile, mildly insulting her, not letting her speak to the point she stopped talking to me for the day) than sending that dumb jealous text and things were still going okay. Shoot she even said “I hate you” at one point. And it’s only been five days since we last spoke this time around. Time is going slow but I’m getting more hopeful again considering what I have done in the past and realizing it hasn’t even been that long. What my cousins gf said to me about wanting instant gratification is true. I am very impatient and I have to realize that it’s gonna take a long while probably to get things really fixed.

I’m not so much worried about her but now I feel lost in this world in terms of finding a career. I want to do my inventions and become an entrepreneur but finding a job that I use my degree in is difficult. I’m thinking of just becoming a server to save some cash to start small with my business and foregoing an engineering career. I am worried about so many things, predominantly financial. I have $110K in student loans that I am going to have to pay off real soon, and I don’t want to spend my whole life paying them off. It’s like a big fire in under my ass and to put it out requires me to have a fire extinguisher that I don’t have and the longer I wait the more I get burned up until death. I have made way too many mistakes and now is the time for me to get things right. I need to get a great paying engineering job (which is hard when you don’t even have an engineering degree) or risk it all doing my ideas which may or may not be successful. I’m having a hard time believing in myself and in my ideas to fully commit. I know I need to believe in myself but the stakes feel so high.

I wish I never got so many loans. I wish I didn’t go to school. It all feels like such a waste. I could have taught myself everything I learned at school and saved so much money. Now I’m here with a gigantic burden and a degree in general studies.

I feel like I’m standing in this trail but there is no clear path on where to go. I’m 27 and I don’t know who I am. I studied so much engineering but that’s not really my passion. I’m good at so many things but I’m not amazing at one thing. I loved being with her because I felt that i had a purpose. To serve her and her daughter. But now I don’t even have that. I’m just alone trying to figure out this next step…

45

I’ve never heard of a degree in general studies. What was your major? If you don’t have an engineering degree, it’s not a good idea to apply for an engineering job. However I hope you get good news pertaining to the job by the end of next week.

Talk with a counselor at the college where you graduated for advice on what career path would be appropriate.

“Serving” your ex and her daughter is not a lucrative purpose in life. You need a full time job in the real world.

46

She finally blocked me on IG. I guess things weren’t going as good as I thought. I’m devastated.

47

After you get your life together, there might be a chance later on… Think positive for now and focus on what you need to do to improve your life…

48

I’ve been going by the motto “you only fail if you give up”. I know our love was special, real special, compared to all our other past relationships especially for her. I know she loved me intensely and it broke her heart to have to break up with me. She wants me to prove to her I can get on my feet and I will do it.

I know i shouldn’t regret but I regret not talking to her about getting back together and the plan we needed to take to make us work when I saw her for the last time. I was too scared it would go south and just wanted to enjoy the night with her and her kid.

I did a couple of big things recently that I believe were a good and healthy choice.

The biggest thing was i deleted our conversation history on my phone. I kept living in there, in the past, and kept looking at our messages and photos we exchanged. It was hard but I did it. I do regret it because I’m one to keep everything but it was preventing me from moving on and I was losing precious time living in the past.

I also put everything she has ever given me in a box and put it away. I essentially had a shrine in my room. That also I believe wasn’t healthy. I put the clothes she gave me away too because wearing it was just a constant reminder of her.

I blocked her IG and her number as well.

I’m not trying to forget her but out of side and out of mind just so I can start really getting my stuff together. Like the website said, I am addicted to her and all these things were a way of getting my fix of her and that wasn’t allowing me to reach sobriety.

I want to be happy on my own. I want to be my own man. I have my plans for the coming years and now is the time to act and not stop working. That was my problem with the relationship. I was comfortable and had no real drive to be my own thing. It should never have been like that. I was doing the minimum to keep her happy and to just focus on the relationship and that wasn’t right of me. I should have been trying to be the best damn person I could be in all areas of my life.

I know I can be insanely successful if only I do and not say.

I want to read so many books to educate myself. I want to cut all time wasters and be doing something that helps achieve my goals at all times. I want to work to pay off debts and save money and on my off time I want to work on my goals. I want to open up my gym and eatery. I want to do my inventions. She said I “have wonderful ideas and she could have supported me but I wasn’t willing to do the work” and she was right. I let them stay ideas instead of working on them. That’s what also put her off of me.

I believe if I work super hard on myself. Achieve my goals, little by little, and work on bettering myself in all aspects, and show her when the time is right that I can get her back.

I love her deeply. I want to become equal partners. I want to grow. I just need to start doing it.

Time does go by fast.

My friends brother told me that it works a hundred percent of the time that if you just move on, work on yourself, go on dates, that they will definitely contact you. I am just not ready yet. It’s only been a couple of months and now I’m finally going to start on myself, really start on myself. I do worry that she will move on by the time I am ready, since I need a lot of time, but I also have to remind myself that it won’t be easy for her. I want to believe that she is going through the same emotional intensity of our separation as I am. Like the website said, it will take a while. I just feel that since she blocked me this last time that she finally moved on but I guess my mind is playing games with me. I know she loved me incredibly and she is thinking of me… I dreamt of her last night for the first time in a couple of weeks. It was a crazy dream and not really a happy one. It was so weird.

Anyways happy New Years everyone !

49

Happy New Year to you too. It was a good idea to pack away the things she gave you as now it won’t be in your face as reminders. But you also need to control your obsessive thoughts.

Have you heard anything about the Intel job? Tomorrow is Friday and you said they would make a decision by the end of this week. Have you been job hunting in the meantime? A mature man has a job so that should be your first priority.

Have you been drinking again and going to bars? Sometimes getting drunk causes a person to stay in limbo, lose ambition to improve life, and dwell on negative thoughts. You’re right, you need to stop thinking of bettering yourself and make more effort to do it!

Have you been back to therapy? If you’re still staying at your cousin’s place, have you been helping with household chores?

Let us know when you get a job…

50

Yup I’m working on controlling those thoughts. I’m mapping out my life and that’s keeping my mind off of her, for the most part.

I haven’t heard yet but that position has been open for a month now. I’m guessing they are going through a long list of names to decide on. I have been searching for more. I want to hold down multiple jobs and really hustle hard now. I know I can do it, it’s just doing it.

No I haven’t gone to a bar. I drank on New Years at my friends house but only had two mixed drinks for the whole night. I really want to go sober actually because it is a depressant regardless and to stop spending money on stuff that isn’t helping me. I want to increase (or start rather) my income and decrease my spending. So many things to change and for the better!

I barely got back to my hometown. I scheduled a session for tomorrow. I actually want to stop going. I don’t know yet. I know it’s good because it lets me talk things out but also I let myself get to that bad state and i can get myself out by being productive in a positive direction (by doing the aforementioned) towards my goals. I had no real path and was just going with the flow but now I’m going to do it my way.

I’m no longer at my cousins, thankfully! I have my own bed and can live how I want to, and do what i want and when I want it and not be disturbed by others. Feels good.

I’m hoping intel calls tomorrow but we shall see!

51

Today I got called from a number from her hometown and I thought it was intel but it was for the aerial field photographer position and it’s been like three weeks since the interview. He let me know they chose another person. I was more disappointed that it wasn’t intel, haha!

But that means intel must be meant for me! :wink:

52

What do you mean by you have your own bed?

Saying Intel must be meant for you is wishful thinking, not practical thinking. Making more job applications will probably get you a job sooner or later.

53

I mean I’m back at my home with my mom with my own room and own bed. I’ve been sleeping in a cot for a good while since the breakup and it’s nice to be in an actual bed

Yes I’ve been searching and applying still. Practically I don’t think I’m going to get a job in the area I studied for so long. I’m just going to have to work hard doing a non degreed job. I am scared but also excited

54

Glad you’re with your mom. Getting a job of any sort would be a step forward. Lots of people in low end jobs continue to search for better jobs. Just get a job ASAP.

Sorry you didn’t get the Intel job…

55

What a god damn ride it has been.

She finally emailed me this past week.

She apologized how the night we last saw each other went and asked how I was. She then talked about why she loves me and why she left me. She said she misses me and thinks about me everyday. She says I’m the love of her life. She says her kid asks about me constantly. She wonders if the break up was a mistake. All in all a good email.

I replied addressing her questions and her points and she replies with just a “I love you”

Yesterday I had to go to court close to her city and I called her while I was on my way. We talked for an hour and I asked if I could spend the night and she agreed.

I get there and we have a beer and then make love for the rest of the night. The passion was high.

Today we made love and took a shower together and had breakfast. I went to court but came back to hang with her until I had to leave back home. We talked things through during lunch about what our next move was.

We ran some more errands and then we go to a coffee shop to get some caffeine in me before I leave back home. We talk more intensely, about our future and maybe having a child together.

I bring up the topic about me having a job. I told her I know I have to have a job to be a productive member of society and to pay off my debts and what not but I ask her to clarify her desire for me to have a job because I felt that it was a condition for her love instead of both being separate entities. She told me that she finds it unattractive and that it makes me look like a bum and she doesn’t want to bring me around anyone when I don’t have a job. She says that it’s not about the money but it would be nice to be taken out and she got visibly disturbed. She took off to the bathroom and came back and she says that I brought up a point that made her realize that she doesn’t find me attractive and she storms off. I got my keys from her truck and she told me to leave.

I left back to my hometown flabbergasted and in disbelief. I laughed at what had just occurred because of how obscure it felt. I asked her a question and she blew up on me. Idk what to think.

It was going all so well. She emails me professing her intense love for me, we see each other and passionately enjoy each other’s company. We spend the day running errands and having fun and with one single question she says she realizes she’s my attracted to me.

I mean I know it’s imoortant to have a job but I felt that her love was purely conditional on me having a job. I just wanted to clarify and understand her point of view in the subject matter.

She mentioned how her previous lovers never had a job and now I feel that she lumped me into that group. I think it’s unfair based on the circumstances of myself as an individual but I believe she feels that she’s falling into the same cycle as before and being taken advantage of.

When she told me to get out of her truck I just said goodbye. I haven’t tried to reach out.

I know I need to get a job and have been continuing my search and it was too early to meet with her without acquiring the one thing she desired from me and it just frustrated her and especially when I asked that question.

56

Why did you have to go to court?

I believe she suddenly realized you have a history of cheating, drinking too much and don’t have a job. These are not things that make for a good long term relationship.

You’re right you shouldn’t have called her and asked if you could spend the night! And yes, it was too early due to the fact that you haven’t gotten a steady job yet.

You wrote:“I ask her to clarify her desire for me to have a job”… Don’t know why you even had to ask such a question. Love and respect go hand in hand. She doesn’t respect that part of you that’s a “bum” and she finds it “unattractive”. She wants a man she can be proud of. Is that so difficult to understand?

57

For when my car broke down on me at the airport during my interview last month. The cop considered it abandoned and a danger to public traffic

I think it isn’t the drinking or cheating. It’s really just about the job. It’s been two months and change and I still don’t have a job and it’s getting to her then I asked that dumb question.

I don’t know what compelled me to ask her that. I feel that i just wanted to hear her say “prove to me you’re not using me”.

So now what? The only way is to get a job right? If she contacts me I better have one this time around…

I don’t want to give up but I feel that she has now but I have been wrong before…

58

I agree with Patricia. It sounds like she does love you but the job is a real hot-button issue for her and you do need to correct that before you have much of a chance at getting back. It’s understandable, as a guy having a job is a pretty basic requirement for nearly all women.

59

Yeah I know having a job is a basic requirement for life.

She called me today and we talked about it.

She said the question was insulting and that I don’t know her even though I claim that I do. However I do know, what I did was ask an asinine question to which I already knew the answer for.

She feels that I don’t want to work. She feels that “it’s my lifestyle that I’ve live off of people”. I understand that it looks like that to her. I didn’t defend myself, I just listened. She said that’s why I asked that question.

However I don’t think it’s fair of her to compare me to her ex lovers. I am just starting out in joining the workforce. I grew up vastly different than her. Her father made her work since she was a teen. I was fortunate that my mother never wanted me to work telling me to focus on my studies. I didn’t have the lifestyle of a bum/freeloader, I had the lifestyle of a student. And I just graduated school so I’m making a big transition in my life going from a student to having a career. But she doesn’t see that, she sees it from her perspective based off her previous experiences with these men. I want to tell her that, to differentiate myself from them but I feel that it’s not worth it and actions speak louder than words and all I have to do is get a job.

60

What gets me is that she says I don’t understand her but I feel that she doesn’t understand me and my situation either.

Either way

Goal:

get a job(s)
Live on my own
Get her back

Easy right?