What do you mean at some point it may become obvious? Are you implying that she does not want to reconcile already after that text? I know it wasnt a great text to send but I have a hard time understanding that she will forever close the door on me after this one incident. Or do you mean at some point as in if I keep trying and trying but she just doesnt want to do it? Or is that the same thing? Im still in disbelief I sent such a text to her but at the same time I feel like it wasnt an absolutely horrible text but maybe i am rationalizing. ugh… I feel like i put myself back on square one and I hope she isn’t done totally now because of this one mistake!.
As much as she is a hard rock, I also find it hard to believe that she doesn’t have anymore love for me after this blunder. It would be akin to flipping a switch on an extremely strong emotion after showing a bit of jealousy and insecurity. She knows I am a work in progress and I have been giving efforts in improving myself.
I agree too about not dating another woman. I am also not interested in doing so because I simply do not have any desire to date another woman.
I was thinking of writing a letter and putting it in her mailbox alongside a photo I took of our night we spent last together this past week of us holding hands and a flashdrive with all the photos I have taken of our relationship. I have written the draft of my letter already but I dont know if that is a good idea either. I told her that I appreciated everything she has done for me, I clarified to her that I have accepted the breakup but have not given up on us, I acknowledged that I have to work on the things that caused me to send the text and I apologized once more, and how I want to work on the five languages of love to show her my appreciation for her. I wanted to put it in her mailbox on christmas.
I finally got my car running and I have been studying hard for this interview with intel. I am excited about the chance to get my career going in a great company.
Like Hijack said, this last blunder showed her you haven’t changed. And it is another negative thing on top of all the others in the past.
What I wrote was:“at some point it may become obvious that she will not reconcile” Which means she might not want to reconcile. OR she might have the desire to reunite with you. If she hasn’t already explained exactly what needs to happen in order for her to be happy with you, then the two of you should discuss it so both of you understand what each of you can do to make a possible relationship better than it was before.
Although the letter and photos seem like a needy desperate needy thing to do, go ahead if you think it will help, but don’t do it on Christmas! Let her enjoy a nice Christmas with her family without any added drama. Call or text her Merry Christmas, that’s all for now.
You said you thought about what you said before you made the jealous insecure comment (I hope your date went great. I’m happy for you), but you said it anyway, and then said you are good at making bad choices. That’s the point, you need to gain more control over your insecurities and what you say and do.
As to the letter and photos; I’m sure she already has some pictures and what you are thinking of writing is just repeating what you’ve already told her. More apologies ring hollow until you show her you’ve changed by the way you treat her without pouting and without showing insecurity by not making snide jealousy type comments and the like.
PS: she has a right to go out without telling you who she is with! And you need to stop jumping to conclusions.
Continue working on your insecure thoughts and behaviors.
I think things will go well if you change for the better.
I went to the bar she frequents to write that letter to drop off in her mail box and she was there. I decided to just go and talk to her. I entered the bar.
I went up to her and said “is this seat taken ma’am?” And she turned to me with a smile, as if she was expecting someone else, then saw me and stopped smiling for a split second, then forced a fake smile. She was very uncomfortable. I asked her how she was and she said she was good and asked me how I was and I said not so great since I sent that message. She said she wasn’t mad about the message, I told her she should be. She was still very uncomfortable. I asked her if she wanted me to leave. She said kind of. So I left her alone. I left the bar but then decided to go back and get a table elsewhere to work on what I was going to be doing.
So I set up, and a bit later she left and we made eye contact. I couldn’t tell her facial expression but she left earlier because of me.
The reason I jumped to conclusions is because when she dropped me off on Thursday, I saw on her phone a message from a Dustin saying “here” sent on Tuesday. That’s the day she went to the basketball game. I found that Dustin following her IG. And guess what? When I walked into the bar last night, that was the first person I saw there, he works as a bartender. When I saw and sat next to her, she made a quick glimpse to him and i could tell he was looking at us for a split second. I believe she wasn’t mad because she is seeing someone else, him. And perhaps she was lying that she went out with her friend Mona. My cousin thinks so. That would also explain why she was so uncomfortable too.
I wrote the letter, put the picture and flash drive in the envelope and dropped it off at her mailbox. On the outside it says do not open until 10:58 pm on 12/25/2018 because that was the time we met.
Anyways NOW I’m gonna leave her alone. My cousin and his girlfriend told me I’m acting crazy by doing all this and it’s just pushing her away and I need to be listening to all the people telling me all this advice. I get all this advice yet continue to not listen and I just keep digging a bigger hole. If I didn’t ruin it with that text, I’m sure I ruined it with what i did yesterday.
I have to leave her alone because I’m delusional apparently and I think my chances are done. I want to be positive and still believe but my delusionalness has probably ruined it for me now.
I’m just gonna stop doing anything. I’ve done so much now to ruin it. If she contacts me then it’ll be a miracle. If not we’ll i just have to move on now.
Stop going to bars! If you’re serious about stopping the drinking, the last place on earth you should be is in a bar! Going there to write a letter was dumb. You could’ve easily written it in the comfort and quiet of your own place. Then to go back in after leaving was even dumber. You’re correct in that you continue to make very bad choices!
She has a right to date Justin or anybody else. You’re not in a relationship anymore. I understand why you would feel hurt, but you shouldn’t ever display jealousy.
It’s too bad you dropped off the letter and flash drive in her mailbox. Common sense should have told you that was a bad idea, especially so close to Christmas.
I hope you read the post I made earlier this morning. And your cousin is right, you’re acting crazy. You absolutely need to get control over your thoughts and behaviors!
I don’t know if this last incident is the “last straw” for her, but you need to make changes regardless of what happens as you haven’t made enough improvement to be able to sustain a normal relationship. I guess you haven’t been in therapy long enough to help you…
Someday in the future, when you’re more stable financially and emotionally, you might think about dating a woman closer to your own age without children so you can have a more normal relationship and start a family of your own.
I had been home all day and my cousin left with his girlfriend and I didn’t want to be home alone. I had errands to run before certain stores closed too so I had to wait in writing the letter until I finished my errands.
You’re right. She does have a right to date anyone.
I thought flash drive was a good idea to clarify some things up. But I also thought it might be a bad idea too. I hoped it was a good idea.
I did read the post earlier this morning. She has told me her desires in what i need to do to earn her love back. So I know what i have to do. But when we hung out this last Wednesday I just got so damn hopeful that we were gonna get back together and lost control.
Yes I need to start showing more than saying. I know that. But doing is taking so damn long and seeing her so soon made me want things instantly and words are instant. But like you said they ring hollow when I haven’t been making sufficient changes.
I know I need to continue making improvements and I have but it’s only been two months and only a month since I started getting in a better path. Yeah I haven’t gone to counseling enough, it’s only been three sessions after all.
She was my ideal woman. I like older woman. Each girl I have dated has been progressively older than the previous. My last gf was 8 years older. I loved her kid and I don’t want to have a child of my own but I did enjoy helping raising hers. She was perfect for me in terms for what I look for in a woman. Smart, cultured, educated, experienced, takes care of her physical and mental self, is beautiful, is caring, I don’t really have any desire to date in my age Pool. They like to party and drink and aren’t cultured and act dumb.
I don’t want a normal relationship, I loved our unorthodox relationship. It was great.
We should have never have started talking so soon, I wasn’t ready. I needed more time. I was hoping to have a job and my own place before we started talking again.
But I jumped the gun.
On her IG, two hours before the bar incident yesterday she posted a selfie and the caption read “be BOLD be FIERCE be YOU”. I wonder what that meant… all her previous posts have been solely Christmas related so for her to post that was interesting. I feel like that means she’s gonna do her own thing now and do whatever she wants. But my problem is over thinking.
After I left the bar to go drop off the letter, I couldn’t help but throw up in the parking lot from the anxiety. I need to just stop chasing her, stop thinking about her because I feel that it’s eatinf my brain away. I mean she’s dating someone else potentially, at the very least she’s still going out and having fun and I’m here doing nothing but killing my brain because of her. I need to keep myself busy with other things. I’ve know that.
" I didn’t want to be home alone." You’re a grown up aren’t you? Being home alone is no big deal. Do you live with your cousin?
“I just got so damn hopeful that we were gonna get back together and lost control.” I don’t think you understand that it’s a slow process to get someone back. Being hopeful is one thing, but being too anxious before making the necessary improvements needed is another.
You’re letting all this affect you mentally and physically. Get back to therapy or talk with a mature person or a pastor. I think it will take a very long time for you to get control of yourself.
Maybe you’re overthinking things because you don’t have a job and have too much time on your hands.
You also need to stop trying to guess what stuff means on social media! What good does that do for you?
Yes, you need to calm down and stop contacting her.
I didn’t say “date” another women but go on at least one date with someone new. This is what the site here says to do, and I think it’s to help get your mind off of your ex. I did this and although it didn’t totally make me forget her, it did actually help.
I personally think what you need to do now is go 30 days again, send another elephant letter, and let this relationship with Dustin/Justin or whoever happen.
I will say that I have dated, myself. I suppose it is easier as my ex actually left me for another guy so all that obsession about her dating someone else is just as old as the breakup and now it just is what it is. The first date I was just going through the motions, so I get that feeling of not wanting to.
But it’s been a few months now we are apart. earlier this month I went out on three dates with this woman and after that third date she became obsessed with me! I liked her and was attracted to her but with the shoe on the other foot, I can completely see how off-putting that obsession is. I want nothing to do with her because of it. I broke it off but she still texts me and is now sending me love songs. I totally, 100%, get it now. This has helped me tons with becoming much more balanced with this ordeal of trying to get my ex back.
I must clarify on the drinking. I stopped drinking for the wrong reasons, getting drunk. I had told my counselor about going sober and he said that it is not a good idea as it is real stressful and will most likely to cause me to relapse to drinking irresponsibly. He said to ask myself why am I drinking. He said that as long as I have the right reason to have a beer or two then it is perfectly acceptable and more realistic to keep me doing things responsibly as opposed to complete sobriety. I have not gotten drunk since then but I have had a beer here and there. For example I saw a friend for the first time in six years and we had one beer.
Yes my cousin was telling me the same thing. He said that itll be up to a year realistically. His girlfriend was attacking my generation saying that we millennials want instant gratification. Yes I was aware that it was going to be slow but when she invited me over, all notions of pace went out the window.
I havent been to therapy this past two weeks because I go to therapy in my town and all my interviews recently have been in her town. I absolutely want to continue going but at the same time, I want to land a job and I am putting a priority in finding a job to start my career.
Yes having no job leaves me a lot of time on my hands.
I have been living everywhere these past couple of years. I had my own apartment, then moved back home with my mom, then started living with my cousin in her town, then back to my mom to finish my last physical semester at my home town, then moved with her for half the year, then we separated and moved back to my mom. Since then I have been coming up periodically for those job interviews. I have been straining my cousin with this situation and he feels that he is enabling me by letting me crash at his place. I told him this past time I had only planned to stay for a day and two nights for that last interview but my car decided to die on me. Anyways I am typically fine being alone but yesterday I was at the house all damn day just working on that flash drive and when they left I wanted to go out too. So I planned to do my errands and send of that gift of hers. But being here at my cousins, sleeping on a cot and wearing the same pair of clothes for a week now, I wasnt exactly feeling great about just being left alone for the rest of the night.
I think I need to do more than just 30 days, honestly. Yes if they are dating then I must let that relationship play out. My cousin pointed out that she is going to find things wrong with him too and she’ll realize how great I actually was.
I know I am a damn good person, sure I have my problems here and there but who doesnt? When I talked to my last ex before her she said she hadnt dated anyone in two years nor had sex because of me and how she felt she couldnt move on, and that was a bad relationship of mine. With this ex, she told me that I was the love of her life, and that she has never loved so intensely before. She said she missed all the things I used to do, from opening the doors (I am surprised men dont do that anymore apparently) to complimenting her to wanting to do anything and everything with her to cleaning her house out of pure joy. I know I was a damn great boyfriend and its going to be hard for this guy to reach what I did with her.
This might be her first serious relationship however, since she told me she met a guy when she reached out the first time in november but couldnt act like she was okay because she wasnt. Maybe its the same guy, who knows? But I dont even know if she is even seeing him. Maybe he is just a friend like she said, my cousin says shes lying. But I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. The text “here” was bland. There was no “here babe” or “here! :)” or something affectionate. AND that was the last message he sent. Its not like he said “thanks for the night, cutie, I really enjoyed the basketball game and I hope to see you soon” or something like that. It was just a “here” text and thats it. But i have absolutely no clue. Here I go overthinking again.
I understand obsession is not an attractive thing but honestly I dont feel that have displayed that much obsession to her. I sent one jealous/insecure text, apologized right after, then saw her at the bar but respected her decision to leave her alone. I havent called nonstop, nor texted her since my initial apology. I left an apology letter and a flash drive of memories for a christmas present. However I have told her about the flash drive when we first started talking and I was just following through what I had told her what I was going to do.
Do not send another elephant in the room text as Hijack suggested! Even after 30 days or more, don’t send it! You’ve done enough groveling and humiliating yourself.
If she wants to contact you, she will. But you need to stop reminiscing about the past and stop trying to think ahead as to what will happen or not happen. And stop obsessing about whether or not she is dating someone else. Take one day at a time.
Until you heal, going out with a different woman will make you sad and you’ll be thinking about your ex. It won’t take your mind off her! Look for a job in case you don’t get the one with Intel. Visit family and friends. Do things you enjoy. Work on hobbies or something.
If you can honestly control your drinking, the advice the therapist gave you is good. But if you usually drink to excess, you need to stop and go to AA.
If you are becoming a nuisance to your cousin, go back to your mother’s place.
PS: Most women find that younger guys are immature. Just saying…
I will not do anything concerning her, like you said I’ve done enough and continuing to do things will only push her away for good.
My cousin said she liked me because how fun I am and since we have broken up I have not been the same guy as before and that isn’t going to make her want me back either. I do need to return to enjoying life.
I have been applying to many jobs and will continue to do so until I get one secured.
I have been doing a great job with drinking only little for the right reasons. But I am still monitoring myself in case things go south.
I will do my best to not think about the situation with my ex. I’m doing tarnishing myself.
I won’t contact her anymore. I do have to move on. I might be okay with the breakup but I am not okay potentially losing her and that’s not okay. I need to be ok with that possibility and that life goes on. I know it’s hard but getting her out of my head, living life and realizing I can still have fun without her and happy then I’ll be able to heal better and that’s when progress will really start.
I need to give her space so things can reset and so she can do her thing too without me being there. It’ll be good for both of us
I have been doing things to get better but I haven’t been doing things that I love.
I haven’t climbed, I have hardly hiked, I haven’t worked out, I haven’t done yoga, i haven’t been eating healthy like before. I’m not really me at the moment. I eat very little, I look for jobs, I have hung out with friends but just to talk about the situation and not really just to hang out and have fun.
I need to be like her, she is still trucking hard without really skipping a beat.
Not trying to use it as an excuse but so many things have been transitioning in my life at this moment. Finishing school after eight years has also been giving me anxiety. All these things occurring simultaneously feels almost overwhelming.
I really want that job at intel. It’s my one chance to get a engineering job since I never got an engineering degree and they’re giving me a chance. I can’t mess this up!
While we started talking again she has constantly asked who I’ve been going out with and if I’ve been with anyone but I don’t have the right to ask the same thing?
Sure it would have been better if i asked instead of assumed but if she assumed i went on a date i would have clarified it too but I don’t wouldnt start ignoring her. I know I can’t expect people to react the same as I would.
After my ex got back in touch after NC, I sent her a picture of me and it was clear someone was with me there but was out of the picture. She asked who it was. It was my mother so I told her that.
I think often, exes can not want you back but still not want you seeing someone else. It’s a form of jealousy. I would be the bigger person and use this to your advantage, let her be potentially jealous of you and you should show her how calm and collected you are. After NC of course.
Maybe a second elephant letter will do no good, but I will disagree about dating others, it’s on this site: “Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s imperative for you to get some perspective right now and meeting new people is the best way to do it.”
This is exactly what I found: perspective. We can tell you about a better perspective on all of this but as said meeting new people shows you that perspective, which makes things much easier to see than having us tell you. For me it also helped restore confidence and tell me that yes indeed I am desirable to other women.
I read the guide several times over (even though I messed up some things over and over) but I had no intention of going out with another woman. I wanted to focus on my career and side hustles that I want to start instead and just focus on me, instead of chasing woman. I figured the woman I want would come to me instead of me chasing them around. You don’t chase a cat, they will run. You get what the cat wants (food) and they will come to you. Sort of the same thing. Obviously I haven’t had a chance to do that yet and her invitation over completely led me to dismissing everything and jumping the gun.
No offense, and I’m gonna come off as arrogant but I can get any woman I want but my problem is that I haven’t taken my eyes off of her. I don’t have a self confidence issue in getting a woman or feeling desirable, however I am uncomfortable with the thoughts of potentially losing this woman. I know what I have to do to get her back and my other problem is being impatient at the process. The website has said that you have to be patient. What makes me impatient is that she told me life is too short and it goes by fast and she is already halfway done so I feel that time is imperative for us if we are to succeed.
Perhaps I do need to go on a date but I am still unsure. She’s doing it (possibly) so maybe I should too. But like Patricia said, I can’t until I am healed from her. For now i will just focus on getting this job! I want it so bad!
If I can land this awesome job and get situated and get all my sh*t together and finally get stable I know I will me 1000x more attractive. Right now having no form of income, living with my mother is not eye catching to this woman. She’s done everything mostly on her own when she was my age, I know everyone had their own journey and their own pace but she is comparing my life to hers (which isn’t necessarily fair but she is using it as a benchmark in what she wants) I understand that. If I can get this job, and work hard in it for several months, continue going to counseling and work on my issues, and have my own place on my own, i know I can prove to her that i can bring stability that she craves and we can start over again. That’s what needs to occur. So for now I just need to focus on myself. I messed up this chance again, and like Patricia said before I wasn’t ready anyways to sustain a healthy relationship so I would have lost her regardless. It has to be this way. One day at a time…
Of course you can go on a date before you are healed from her. I did and it really did help. But it’s up to you.
Yes you need to get the job and moving out on your own but only for you, not for her or any other women, just for you.
My ex occasionally pointed out faults in me but fixing them didn’t make her stay. It wasn’t those faults that made her break up with me. If someone is feeling right in a relationship, they will overlook a lot of faults.
If someone isn’t feeling right, I think they use those faults as an excuse for leaving, when the real problem is as said on this site, a loss of trust, connection or attraction.
Yeah there were too many things that made her want to leave and she finally made up her mind. You’re right, if she really wanted to stay, then my issues she would have overlooked. But she didn’t. She said she doesn’t want to be not happy again and waste eight years or her whole life like with her ex husband.
I read your reply and started crying. I think I should just give up and move on. Learn my lesson, grow, and find someone else. I love her immensely but this is killing me.
She lost trust when I cheated on her and she lost attraction when I couldn’t handle my emotions. And that’s it. She was done with me. I wish I could get her back but like I need to start valuing myself and all this pain isn’t worth it.