@aphrodite to be completely honest I sent those emails to my ex about 6 weeks after our break up. His response was pretty much that he feels terribly and is so sorry and wants me
To be happy always but obviously he stuck by his decision. I cringe thinking that I sent them now. I looked weak to him and it did nothing to move forward. I feel much betger going into NC this time knowing that I left
Him on a positive note and I strongly advise you do the same. If you do want him back, no need to make him feel worse about the break up. I would wait on it. It could feel good to express yourself but I do think it’s better to wait on these things. Wait a month and if you’re still dying to send them, do it then.
@belle, I agree and am so torn up thinking of him with other girls however i believe his only way back to me is if he does date and realize what we had was so much more special and rare. I don’t anticipate him seriously dating anyone, but it still stings to think of him approaching other girls. Since or relationship ended in September I feel like if we are not back on speaking terms of trying to mend things by may or the beginning of the summer then it will be a lost cause I don’t anticipate anything happening really before the end of March or April because I think it will need to be that long before reality sets in for my ex and he feels we’ve had enough time off to really live life without each other and then decide. I do feel this whole process is making me more confident and independent which is definitely a positive!
@mike2014 are you any further along than you were when you initially broke up? What’s your current status with your ex?
And for all of you, I completely agree! A 5 or 6 month fling differs greatly from our relationships in which we shared a bond that lasted 7+ years. That’s why I’m grateful for this forum as hardly any of my friends understand what I am going through here!!
I wouldn’t say I’m any farther along. I’m farther along with acceptance that we will probably not get back together. I’m farther along with being a better person than I was when it ended.
She has pretty much acted the same the whole time outside of the first month where she would text me everynight. She’s always been warm to me and will still reach out to catch up every so often. I get the holiday texts and such. She mentions if we hang out that we can still do that and brings it up. I think it’s still like this in a way because she hasn’t moved on yet. She really needed to work on herself when we broke up. She lost herself at the end of our relationship. She is just starting to get better she told me in December. She is still emotional at times in front of me which leads to my confusion. Just to point one thing out I wrote her a letter in October and gave it to her b4 I left for two months. It wasn’t a letter where I even asked for her back or anything like that. When I saw her in December she told me she can’t read it still because it is too emotional for her. There have been a few other weird/confusing situations. I’m at the point right now where I won’t reach out anymore, but if she does I will talk and be very cordial.
@mike2014 that’s great to hear that with time even if my ex doesn’t come back I can accept things and be a better person for it. It’s nice that you guys still have a cordial relaionship. After so much history it would be sad to cut each other out completely. Did you do NC at all? Or have you been hanging out over the last couple of months?
I have seen her throughout the now 9 months. She would reach out. Last I saw her in early December she brought up hanging out again before I left. I just told her if she wants to hang out to let me know. I won’t initiate it, it’s up to her.
I don’t feel I ever really had the chance to do a full enough NC. Longest was probably 5 weeks or so but then her bday came up so I did something as a friend I guess lol. With me leaving for a bit and then the holidays she would always reach out and I’m not one to burn bridges or ever be rude. I know she still thinks of me and is emotional and such so I don’t know if Nc would have really done anything like it states here. After being together for so long it’s a weird situation because I know she just won’t forget me. She really needs her space so that’s why I don’t really reach out and won’t for awhile now. I always felt we belonged together and really did have a great relationship. I think she feels at the end it somewhat reached a stalemate with neither of being financially ready to be married. She won’t admit to the marriage thing being a reason when I asked really early, but I think personally it played a role. She always said she doesn’t know what will happen so I guess she left it open for another chance.
I’m not familiar with your situation…can you fill me in and maybe I can comment on what you are working with
Okay… phew…
I’ve now woken up (another night of sleep yay!) and I no longer feel the same compulsion to send those emails. Thank you, both of you, for making me rethink it! It’s true, it wouldn’t be in my best interest to make him feel worse about the break up than he does, and perhaps saying nothing says more.
I’m still debating it but I will take my sweet time. If I were to send the emails I would have no idea if our last call actually did anything to him! Day 3/30 done. That was a tough one! Thank you both for being there! x
Current mood: feeling turned off by ex in every possible way. I wonder if this feeling will stick around or change in just hours! Anyway it’s the first time since… forever, that I actually feel put off by him. sigh this is such an emotional roller coaster!
How are all of you doing this morning?
Hi Aphrodite,
We run in parallel. I’m currently feeling cross with ex. If he contacted me now I would genuinely ignore him because I’m getting angry towards him.
Like yourself, his is how I feel now, but tomorrow I might be in bits again desperate to be in contact. I’m hoping this feeling I have right now will hang about as I’m not in pain!
Everyday is different with the emotions.
I was thinking about what you said bout gut instinct. Do you think it’s denial like your friends mentioned? How can we tell they will be back? Or are we cushioning the effect of reality?
Long may this anger last ! I still want him to message me though, but I know he won’t. I’d love to know what he’s really thinking.
@mike2014, my situation is that my boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me at the end of September because he felt we were too young to be so committed. We are now 22 and 23 but started dating at 15 and 16. He told me it scared him to think he would never have any time in his 20s to be single or explore and date other girls. Even though he cried and told me he loved me repeatedly and this isn’t the end and we both need time away to confirm our feelings, this was something necessary for us to go through. We were in limited contact for 3 months always initiated by me. The last time I saw him was about a month ago when he told me he does want to get back together eventually but doesn’t feel ready yet because he needs more time away from our relationship to explore before he can confirm its right. He told me how special he thought our relationship was but he needs this time for himself. He told me he does want to get back together one day, his “gut” says a few more months but there’s no way to know for sure and he wants me to live my life and be happy. I went Nc after that for 30 days then we had a nice catch up and I told him where im at. I’m currently going 90 days to give him the time and space he needs away to “explore”. What do you think?
@aphrodite, im glad you didn’t send those emails!! I think throughout our Nc periods we will all be very tempted to contact at different times but if we can hold ourselves back then the outcome will be much better!! I also am feeling angry at myself but also a bit sad. Last night was the premiere of a TV show we always used to watch together every week and I thought maybe he would’ve texted me to discuss it but he didn’t
@belle, I’ve thought a lot about whether or nt this “gut” feeling cushions the pain. I feel so torn because whenever I talk to my ex he leaves the door wide open to reconcile. Sometimes he tells me he will want to in more time and other times he says “if we get back together in time our relationship will be so much stronger”. So it makes it hard for me to let go. I am really hoping if my instinct is right and he isn’t back that my feeling will just fade over time and naturally I will move on more. I would say at this point my daily life is back to a more normal routine in terms of eating and sleeping and I am able to better concentrate on work and have fun with my friends without discussing him always. My family and friends are starting to have a lot of resentment over how much he hurt me so I try to not discuss with them - why I’m thankful for this forum!!
Anyway glad you are both feeling good today and hope this day of Nc goes smoothly for us all!
Having a bit of a tough morning now…my life just doesn’t seem as full without him in it
Atea,
To tell you the truth as a male I completely understand what he is saying. The both of you guys never had a chance to be independent and on your own and explore. You started dating so early. I could never imagine being in a committed relationship at such a young age and until I met my ex in college enjoyed being single and going to parties and enjoying the college life style. When I met her I only had alittle more than a year left and was at a point I was ready to settle down with a great girl who I loved at first sight.i was about to turn 21 and was ready to settle down. He right now is alittle scared to settle completely down and wants time to explore, being so young and be on his own. I think however that if it is meant to be he will be the one to reach back out and initiate getting back together. He will know when he is fully committed to you and come back after his independent phase. This is also a great time for you to be independent and meet new people. This will only make you realize how other people are and if your ex really is the one. The time apart will either bring you guys closer together or make you both realize what else is out there. I would continue to talk at some points and check in so he knows you still care and that you guys can catch up. It shouldn’t be all one sided tho and he should reciprocate reaching out as well. I think a period of space is also important so he can figure out life and what’s out there and be independent but every so often talking is a good thing.
I kind of wish I met my ex a few years later maybe around 24 or 25 because I had so many more goals to achieve which would have helped us later. I didn’t want at the time to move away and do more schooling which would have made my professional life better. I knew I was willing to give that all up when I met her because she was very special to me like no one else I ever met. Ultimately the first 7 years were true bliss followed by a year of me giving up a bit because professionally I wasn’t happy and my insecurities bled into our relationship and she was feeling the same way which didn’t help us.
I think true love is a real thing and that’s why I still have a bit of hope. I think you should still have a lot of hope as well. You don’t spend as many years together as we did with our ex without a long period of happiness together. I’m in a similar situation as you because I spend almost all my 20’s with her and she the same. My ex needs time to be on her own and maybe realize what she misses or decides to never try with me again. I’d much rather be your age than 29 tho lol and have to go through this. The bad thing is all the girls I meet my age and have been with lately do not attract me like my ex does and anything more than a night is too much. You and your ex can feel the same way after a bit about not being attracted to other you meet and come back together and move forward with your lives. I really hope that happens for you, but also hope you find happiness with whatever happens. You seem like a great person!
Thank you @mike2014, that was really great to hear! And I can’t blame my ex either. We did get together very young and always said we wish we had met later. I know it differs for everyone, but how long do you think it typically takes for guys to go through this phase of independence? I think he hasn’t reached out because he is trying to get his space (something I didn’t give him initially) and also doesn’t want to send me mixed signals because he knows how much he hurt me with the break up. I did finally get through 30 days nc and he seemed genuinely happy to hear from me. Now I am giving him his space (trying for 90 days) and them will reach out to be friendly. He knows the door is poem so I agree that it must be his idea when he is ready to reconcile. Like you I’ve home on dates but lose interest after a night. It’s hard to compare others to the way I still feel about my ex. I do have a lot of hope because we broke up I think just from his internal desire to explore without settling. When we do talk he always tells me he loves me but if we’re going to get back together in the future he needs this time. I try to be supportive and understanding without being a doormat. I don’t think I can wait more than a couple months for him and it scares me if he wants longer than that away.
Either way I am moving forward and definitely feel more back to myself and as you said I, thankful to be going through this at 22. If he doesn’t come back them I have plenty of time to move on and find happiness elsewhere for right now I’m not ready to close the door yet but hopefully in time if nothing changes I will be more okay with that. I also believe in true love and what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I feel mo resentment toweArds him and do believe he is the one for me so I just need to be patient and give him space.
You also seem like a great person! Your ex is lucky you have been so supportive and understanding and I think it’s a very positive sign that she still keeps in touch with you. I really hope she too realizes how great she had it and comes back in the future
What I want to do is take the next 3 months to continue to better myself and advance myself professionally to point I’m very comfortable. I want to be at a point where I’m ready to commit and be ready for a more successful relationship with her. I want Nc during this period and give her total space. At that point I will contact her and assess where she is and see if their is any hope for a chance to work things out. I can’t do this now because I’m not ready. I can’t ask for her back until I’m professionally better and show her im ready to take the next step…marriage and a family. I know that’s what she wanted at the end to move forward. I need to be at that point if their is any hope.
I do have a question… I gave her a letter 2 and a half months ago. Last time I saw her she said she can’t open it but has it by her bed and looks at it all the time. She said it’s too emotional for her to still read it. As a girl could you give some insight as to why she can’t read it? Most people I would think would have read it right after I gave it to them. Why don’t you think she can’t read it?
It’s hard for me to answer how long it will take him.It could be a few weeks or even longer. I think what you are doing is really great. No smothering him is so great for you and him. Also, getting yourself better is the best way to deal with this. I completely understand what you are going through and the feelings you are expressing. It’s hard not being with the one you want and know you are supposed to be with. I have regrets which hurt me because I feel at the end I wasn’t there for her the way I always was and got to comfortable. I stopped telling her how important she was to me and that she is the most beautiful girl in the world. This is what hurts me the most.
I think at some point in the future when you are feeling like it’s time to move on from him if he doesn’t come back you need to reach out. You will need to explain to him your feelings and express its now or never. You can’t wait forever. You have to make that decision of when that is.
I appreciate your insight. It’s already been 3 months. I kind of told myself if we aren’t on the road to reconcile by May I might need to let it go. That would be 8 months post break up? Do you think that is an appropriate amount of time for him to go through this phase? And I am working on myself a lot! I already feel more independent and confident and see that even though I hope it works out, life goes on and I will be okay either way. It’s hard giving him space and not talking for so long but I think it’s for the best right now. I wonder if I don’t reach out to him at all how long it would take him…
About the letter, it’s purely because it would make her too sad and emotional. She clearly isn’t over you and is having just as hard of a time processing this break up. If she reads sweet words from you telling her how much you love her. She will cry and be sad and she will be tempted to get back together, so,etching she may want in the future but doesn’t feel reddy now. Leaving it next to her bed is a reminder that you’re still there and still love and care about her which probably means the world to her. I think she will read it when she feels ready. And I think 3 months is a great amount of time for you to be aiming for before discussing reconciliation. It’s already been a log time and when you reach out you want to make sure you are at a point that you feel confident and ready. It sounds like she is trying to get there too. If you do reconcile, I think it has a real strong possibility of lasting because you both have taken the time to grow and mature. Like you said earlier I believe In true love and I think it’s clear you both do love each other. Keep doing what you’re doing and I think there is starting to be a light at the end of the tunnel for you!
Thank you for the input and well thought out response. I felt the same way about the letter but it’s good to hear the same from someone else. If she’s so upset about it, why wouldn’t she want to try again? That is something I always thought tho.
I feel up to a year alone or even 8 months is enough time for someone to realize what they want in life and whom they want to spend it with. He should know by then what he wants and if you are the one he wants. If you feel by then you are ready to ask him what he wants, it is more than fair for him to give you a response. You seem to have a great handle on your situation and unlike many on here are well past the desperate phase and more onto the looking at becoming a better person phase. You can only wait for as long as you want. It really is up to you. He might not to reach out often because he knows he is the one who asked for the space and by contacting you makes it harder for him and he probably knows its hard for you as well.
Has he always been receptive towards talking to you? Has he continued to be warm and respectful towards you? If so it shows he still cares for you and that’s an important sign. If he is the one who asked for space like my ex then it really is up to him like you already know to want to try again. I also think it is fair to us to get to a point where we have to press the issue because you can’t wait around forever. This means that we will have to move on fully and expect nothing from them in return. I hear stories from people all the time that out of nowhere they reconciled with an ex years down the road. But we can’t hope for that after we tell them we are moving on and having no hope that would just have to come natural without us asking for their love.
One funny thing is awhile back she said to me " you don’t have to wait for me." She said this while crying and it made me feel so upset. I think no matter what happens for us one positive is that we got to spend many years with another person that we cared so much for. A lot of people unfortunately don’t get that feeling or settle for so much less. I know many of my friends who are married really settled and used to always say to me I wish I had what you had. They also fell out of their love early in the marriage and now look elsewhere for companionship which is awful. They didn’t know our problems we had and such, but they knew how I really felt about her. It’s tough now, because whenever I see them they always ask me if we are back together. That is painful for me to hear them ask and I just play it off cause I don’t like to show them I’m still upset a bit.
I think maybe she is nervous to reconcile because I think you said she was unhappy with herself towards the end of your relationship? I agree that it is confusing why she wouldn’t want to try to get back together if she is still so emotionally invested in you. I think she probably knows if you get back together now then it will be permanent so ahe does not want to rush and wants to wait till she is ready. You are a couple of months ahead of me in this process so I think when you feel ready, it would definitely be appropriate to ask her what she feels about your future. If she is still unsure, I agree that letting go of hope and trying to move forward would be in your best interest after all this time. But you know your relationship the best and once again, totally a personal decision how long you’re willing to “wAit”.
My ex also told me not to wait around because he thought that it was important we both moved on before we could decide whether or not to reconcile. He also told me he always wanted me to be happy or “as happy as possible” and has encouraged me to focus on work and spend time with friends and not just sit around and wait for him. He is always warm and respectful when we talk. The first 2.5 months I didn’t give him much space and asked hkm a lot about what he thought would happen to us in the future and why he was doing this. He always answered me honestly and respectfully even though I asked the same question many times. We met up and he basically told me he did want to get back together one day but wasn’t ready yet and I saw how hard it was for me to see him and hear him say it so I went Nc for myself for 30 days. After the 30 days I reached out over text and sent him a very friendly message to which he responded very happy to hear from me and made an effort to keep the conversation going all day. We didn’t discuss the relationship. I then texted him a few days later wishing him a happy new year, apologizing for being so hysterical over the break up, and basically just telling him I’ve accepted his decision and am okay and happy and hope we can reconcile in the future but if we don’t it wasn’t meant to be and we will find happiness in other places. He responded very positively telling me that’s exactly what he wants to hear and is so happy im doing better and he agrees that in time if we got back together our relationship would be so much stronger and he just wants some alone time to really evaluate everything. I told him im always here if he wants to talk and he said absolutely you too. So that’s where we left things about a week ago. I too feel lucky to have the connection we had and right now I am about 3.5 months post breakup so know neither of us are ready to re evaluate now. In anothe 3-6 months from now I really want to touch base and see what he’ll want in the future but for now im just giving him the space he needs and hoping he’ll go on some dates and come to realize and appreciate how special or relationship is. I too onow so many friends settling in relationships and our was so special and I don’t want to throw it away just because we’re young. It was so great and im willing to “wait” and be patient for the time being. Just wish I knew how long away he was going to want…
Also in response to me Apolovizing for being dramatic after the break up he responded “I have absolutely no negative thoughts about you or our relationship at all and you know I do love you” which I think is a good sign? I think we’ve both been pretty open about how we both honestly feel about our situation
He sounds like a very nice person. It is good that he is warm and caring in his responses. That means a lot. I think you are on a great path and doing everything the right way. I think to answer your question…it is a good sign. He is being honest with you as well which is good. I think with some space the both of you will find a renewed sense of commitment toward each other. Keep the path you are on and when you are ready then don’t be afraid to ask him the tough questions. Based on how he has been responding to you, I would almost guarantee you will get the answers from him truthfully. Stay positive!!
I see a lot of similarities between our exes. The things he has said I got the same. I’m here for you if you want to talk i also got. Where my situation differs is age. We are both getting close to 30 and I feel she thinks her clock is ticking in a way. She also became depressed at the end and was very insecure about many things. I think she felt in some ways we hit a stalemate and were not moving forward like she would have liked. To be fair I see her point. We should have been married by that point not still confused about if we could financially make that work. It put strain on me because I wanted to marry her, it’s just I wanted to make sure I was in the best place to make that happen and it made me push her away because of how I felt I was letting her down. I know she isn’t at her best yet because I still see her brother from time to time and he always tells me she doesn’t appear happy or hasn’t been dating or anything. I just tell him there is nothing I can do besides give her space. I feel bad because sometimes I feel like he sides with me over her and he never tells her anything I have said. I told him I was leaving before I told her and he never said a thing to her cause he knew I wanted to tell her personally.
It’s hard for me to keep hope alive because of the length of the break up now.
The how long is a hard thing to answer. Only he knows the answer to that. I think you staying patient and not being desperate toward him will only help you in the long run. He won’t feel smothered and will have time to think about you without feeling pressured into it. Like I said he seems like a very nice guy and those are not easy to come by. Keep moving forward on what you are doing and I realy really hope it works out for you.
He is a great guy! Just makes me nervous because he is definitely a “catch” and I know so many other girls would
Love to be with him and he does want other experiences. I can’t focus on this too much though. I’m trying to go 90 days Nc to show him im patient and can respect his decision and be okay on my own. I will reach out then so he knows I’m still here and can maybe get a better feel of the situation.
As for your situation, im sure it doesn’t make you happy to hear your ex is unhappy but maybe this is good in your situation because she hasnt moved on after all this time. As for your age, I think it’s an advantage here! My ex is young so thinks he has all the time in the world. I think when you feel ready to try to move forward with your ex, you should absolutely pursue it and ask for answers. It seems like you both really love each other and are doing what you can to be mature and make all the right decisions! You seem like a really great sensible guy and I believe she appreciTes that so I really hope it works out for you soon. I know you’ve been patient and waited a while so I really hope when you feel ready she will give you the answers you want to hear! From reading yor situation, it definitely sounds positive to me!