I told him I needed his advice on something. We talked. On New Year’s Eve my friends boyfriend hit on me, and I don’t know if I should tell her or not (as they have been together for years and years and are so happy). I told my ex this and explained I couldn’t ask any of my friends for advice in case they leak the information. He said “Soooo… What else happened that night??” And said he didn’t know what advice to give me. (I’ll take your advice though if you have any).
I went on to tell him my New Years was amazing apart from this. His sounded really boring and I said “Yeah that’s not how I would have wanted to spend New Years” - which I don’t know whether or not was rude to say…
Following this, I thanked him for our previous talk (where he said he thinks I should move on). I explained that my gut feeling about us getting together again is now buried. He said “Sooo… What made that happen? Was it a particular event?? Did something happen to make it go away?” And I said no it was just our talk that made it disappear.
(Lies of course - the gut feeling is still there. I feel bad lying to him but he’s lied to me lots before)
Then I said I have to go. I completely kept my cool with this talk, and amazed myself at how “over it” I seemed. I’m worried I seemed so over it that I could have come across condescending even.
Anyway it seemed like he was fishing for information about whether something has happened with me and another guy, and he seemed nervous when he asked what else had happened that night. What do you guys think? Am I reading into it too much? Was this call potentially a good or bad thing, in your opinion?
I’m gonna leave it up to him to contact me next, if he does.
The convo went well, in my opinion. I think he was curious because he may still be confused and what not. He wasnt indifferent. My ex is always inquiring about whether or not im w someone…so my last letter, I told her I met someone. She just said shes happy if I am. Lol so I know about telling white lies to an ex.
As for your friends bf hitting on you,
Was he drunk? Could it of been a misunderstanding?
This is tough. For me, id be torn between losing my friend from either telling her or not telling her if she were to learn I was hit on or knew anything about shady behavior.
I think if he hit on you, theyre not that happy. Or he isnt. And he probably has or will hit on others…which could lead to cheating. Me being the person I am, I’d tell her.
May I start by suggesting not telling your ex that her partner hit on you. Unless he does it again I wouldn’t want to rock the boat.
Well he was definitely inquisitive by asking you questions and fishing about.
You’ve done the right thing by coming across nonchalant. It will make him think about things and maybe soon the realisation that you could infact move on without him might hit him.
I think it’s a good thing he asked questions. If he hadn’t then he wouldn’t have been bothered but clearly he is.
It’s positive Aphrodite!
Whatever you do now, just don’t contact him!!!
Can I quickly ask your opinion…
I asked my ex about how was he going to deal with my son and contact etc (he’s not his dad but close relationship over 8 yrs!) , his response was " please cast your mind back to the days I kept coming round, the days I begged you to not end our relationship, the times I mentioned ‘think of Dom’ Do you remember?
Why did he bring all that up? If I just say for the first 6 was I rejected him before I had a change of heart, since then he’s rejected me. He then continued saying that he’s working away and doesn’t know when he’s back.
If he answered like this, he’s clearly still angry?? What do you think??
Thank you:) I’m thinking it was a good thing too. It make me feel empowered to tell him I’m getting attention (even though it was unwanted) and to say I’ve buried my gut feeling a.k.a saying I’ve accepted things. I forgot to mention, I told him that due to his past inconsistencies I had been ‘saving myself’ in case he would go back on himself with the break up. But that after he told me to move on last time we spoke - I don’t feel a need to ‘save myself’ for him anymore. I didn’t say this last bit but it was very implied. (And again it’s TOTAL BS I CAN’T IMAGINE ANYONE ELSE YUCK!) Not sure I should have said this or not, but it felt empowering and I guess that’s what matters. My fear is that he will write me off if he thinks I may be sleeping with someone else soon, but I’m trying to not let fear rule me. And technically he’s already written me off soo…
I’m sorry your ex just said she’s happy if you are, after you said you’re seeing someone. I can envision my ex saying something like that in the future and it would make my skin crawl… Don’t let it get you down. Just keep focusing on you! Put you on that pedestal!
Regarding my friends bf, yes I imagine he was quite drunk but not stumbling around. There was no misunderstanding - he grabbed my thigh and stroked my behind, it happened twice. I should have reacted and told him off but instead I froze of shock and walked away. It’s never happened to me before hence the shock but if it happens again I will raise hell with him.
I am worried I will loose her as a friend and that she will never trust her bf around me again, and we see each other a lot. I don’t want to ruin her happiness. But had it been me, I would have wanted to know. Gonna think about it some more. Thank you for your opinion! I am leaning towards telling the truth
Thank you for you opinion on what happened with my friends bf! I’m taking what you’ve said into account. I can’t stand living with dark secrets though, so I think it would bother me a lot if I don’t say. Suuuuch a tricky situation.
Thanks, I was going for nonchalant. Just hope it wasn’t too much. And I am happy he didn’t seem indifferent! I too hope I gave him something to chew on for a bit, that it will bother his conscious or subconscious mind a little. And I agree - under no circumstances should I contact him now!!! I almost want to put on a bracelet to remind me, or tattoo it!!! I’ve laid down some bait and I just have to wait and see now. Don’t do anything Aphrodite… Lol. I know he won’t contact me soon even if he does, and I will start feeling doubtful about whether or not my bait worked, and I’ll want to reach out to confirm his status on it. But under no circumstance shall I do it!!
Of course I’ll give you my opinion:
YES. He is clearly still angry, bitter and holding a grudge. He also seems to be playing hard to get. He probably knows roughly when he’ll be back but is trying to install fear in you of losing him for good. In essence, it’s as if he’s playing a childish game of trying to punish you. “You didn’t want me, so now I don’t want you - HA!” when really he does. He probably had his pride hurt a lot when you broke up, and after him pleading and begging, and this is his reaction to that. I’m really not sure what your move should be on this… @LAbound what do you think?
Either contact him and REALLY apologise, tell him you made the mistakes due to fear of abandonment and low self esteem etc…
Or go NC and wait for his anger to simmer down, and for him to chase you.
Alternatively do the first one, and if it doesn’t work, go for the second one, NC 60-90.
Before you tell your friend, think carefully. Maybe in conversation just ask how things are between her and her bf. as LAbound said could he have been drunk and may have been a one off?
Of course I don’t know the friendship you have and it could effect that friendship. If you tell her which then the bf finds out then everything gets awkward.
It’s just my opinion.
As for my problem,
I have profusely apologised time over.
I’ve emailed him all about my issues, abandonment, low self esteem. I was pretty proud on my email. I did not express neediness but gave a little white lie (as we do lol) that I seeing a therapist who has officially diagnosed me.
So, now I’ve planted the seed. He can dwell on it all as to be honest now I’ve told him, and feel there was a genuine reason to my actions. I feel much at peace with myself.
I’m now NC 90 days.
I feel in a good place to do it, I’ve a friend whose training to be a councillor and she needs cases for her course. So I’m going to speak to her about abandonment. For the first time I feel positive, and strong to do 90 days easily! Famous last words! Lol
Yes he was drunk, but I don’t think that excuses bad behaviour.
It would make everything exceptionally awkward, if I told her!! I will think this through properly.
Okay, I wasn’t aware you had been saying all that to him already. He can really hold a grudge… In a way it still is a good sign, he’s clearly not indifferent. He may begin to panic when you have been NC for a while. I would bet my money on that he will reach out provided you stick to it.
I’m happy you feel at peace with yourself!! Funnily enough I do too after my phone call. I guess I just really needed to feel a sense of control in it all, and letting him know I’ll do me just fine. That’s my current mood though. Ask me again in a few days and I’m probably going nuts wondering why he hasn’t text me yet.
How great that this friend can help you out! We really could do with all the help we can get! I’m seeing a therapist and I find it very helpful. Hey - I’ll embark on 30 day NC starting now! I need a plan or I’ll go nuts waiting. So we’re in this together:) Keep that positivity!
I think our time scales are similar, I noticed we’ve posted pretty much the same number of posts now and our emotions are going through the same.
Since I expressed my reasoning to him I’ve found this strength from somewhere, like I’ve hot the upper hand even though he’s rejecting me.
Like yourself, I feel today could be a good day but give me a few days I could be a total wreck again.
The one thing I’m thankful for is that I’m sleeping ok, maybe I’m emotionally exhausted and just crash.
Give it time with your friend and her bf. Sit back and think it through if you want yo mention anything. I agree, being drunk has no excuses to do what he did. If my bf did that I would be beside myself but if it was a one off I’m not sure if I would want to know. If he kept doing it then for sure I would want to know.
Telling your friend could have huge consequences and you may lose her friendship. My opinion would be sit back, watch the guy, and see if he does it again. He could well be cursing himself oh his actions and terrified you may any something.
Keep positive too, we are in good positions for now! Keep NC! Lol
I think that was a good conversation and good he isn’t being indifferent. But I would definitely be careful about telling him that kind of thing again. Even if it wasn’t intentional, it can come across as you trying to make him jealous. I think many of us are guilty of this after a break up! When my ex and I first broke up I told him how I was going on dates, getting male attention, etc. I Thought maybe he would realize I was more desirable. The truth is, he already knew that!! Our break up had nothing to do with that and it doesn’t sound like yours did either! The conversation went well so leave it at that and then try to go NC now for 30 days. As for yor friend, don’t tell her yet! If it happens a second time, you absolutely need to, but not yet because you don’t want to stir the pot of he was just drunk and it was meaningless.
I think your conversation went well and his responses are good and you definitely kept him wondering!! Stick to the 30 days now and of you feel like you should wait more time after that then keep going. When you feel like breakingn it, post in here! We’re all in this together and it will get better. And I do believe there is really a lot of hope in your situation! @belle I agree with you. My ex and I left it off with a good conversation on New Years day and im feeling confident moving forward that I just need to focus on me and in some months from now he will be reattracted and refreshed and ready to try again and I’ll be able to show him all these positives in my life. Spending time with friends and family and reading these forums have been my biggest life savers!
It’s funny you should say this, last night I was about to put those exact words “I feel like I have the upper hand”. I’m not sure why I do, and yes it could change in a few days. I agree, our time scales do seem similar and it’s as if we’re working through this at a similar pace! I’m so happy to hear you’re sleeping well! Personally I’m going to see a doctor soon because my sleep problems are out of control.
I think I will feel even better once I’m sleeping better too.
Last night I felt bored for the first time sine the break up! Before that I’ve been in too much pain to feel bored. Moving forwards we are:)
Thank you for the feedback on what to do regarding my friend. You have some very good points! Perhaps I will go with ‘ignorance is bliss’ unless anything more happens at a later stage.
I don’t necessarily agree though that making him jealous is a bad thing (maybe I’m a bit more immature). However, I don’t think it came across as me trying to make him jealous but as me wanting advice for the situation. But telling him that this happened made him wonder if there was anything else happening that night to which I responded “no, nothing like that”. I could have told him a lot of other stuff from that night which would have made him jealous or made it seem like I was attempting to make him jealous, but I didn’t do that. Yes, he knows I’m someone who gets regular attention, but in the last two years of our relationship it didn’t really happen at all (I stayed home a lot - too much) so I wouldn’t mind reminding him that there are others interested, at this point.
Of course there is a line, but I don’t believe I crossed it with this.
You’re right, our break up didn’t have to do with anything of this sort. Certainly I can’t count on jealousy to get him back, I have to improve and become a better person in a myriad of ways (including never being a doormat again! and focusing more on my own life rather than being an extension of his) but I don’t see how it hurts to make him a wee bit nervous about what’s going on in my life. And thanks I think it went well too, I do hope I peaked his curiosity.
Yes, I’m going NC for 30 days now! Haha I never thought of posting in here when I feel like breaking NC, funnily enough! Thank you! I will do! I know those moments will come.
Thank you for the advice on the situation with my friends bf, I’m now leaning towards not saying anything unless it happens again, like you suggested:)
I don’t know if there is hope in my situation. After all he did say he will probably never want to get back together, he isn’t in love, hopes I find someone that makes me happy and wants me to move on. However my gut instinct says otherwise.
Aphrodite,
All day today I’ve been saying to my self in a jolly kind of way that he will be back, what am I worried about, how can he not come back. Gut instinct, I don’t know. Maybe the closeness we had tells me he will be back. As you know he’s having a major tantrum and taking it out on me. There was no need to remind me of what he said and how I did t jump to what he wanted, he didn’t need to say that at all. It shows he hasn’t moved on.
Like you, you just know he will be back. It’s just this interim that’s a killer, because we are actually unsure whether they will actually come back. It’s not set in stone, hence why we are freaking out somewhat!
I too am in NC, so no breaking it until you’ve consulted me Aphrodite! and I you!
Atea1234,
Keeping busy and creative is a really good thing, I’m kinda still struggling on my crochet square, but can only get better
@belle, i feel the same way with the gut feeling that he’ll be back, but since it isn’t a sure thing, sometimes i feel scared. i wonder at what point i will give up hope if he hasn’t returned…and thats great about crafting! i find it to be very therapeutic as well
@aphrodite, i don’t believe you crossed the line with jealousy either and i agree its good you left him wondering a bit! i was just cautioning against using this tactic too much because in my experience it hasn’t worked. as for your ex saying he hope you find someone else who makes you happy and he isn’t in love, i don’t think that means much. he is most definitely emotional from the break up right now too. he probably feels badly for hurting you and doesnt want to lead you on. he wants you to be happy either way because he cares! a lot of people also say things that they don’t mean in emotional situations. i think he is probably sorting out his feelings and i definitely would not read too much into him saying those things right now. i also still think it is a positive sign he is talking to you! if he truthfully wanted to move on and didn’t care, i don’t think he would be responsive at all and it seems like he made an effort to keep the conversation going, by asking questions,etc. definitely a step in the right direction!
My gut instinct and inner voice has been saying “Don’t worry yourself at all! He will be back, so just relaaax and have fun, make the most of this time! You will regret it if you spend all this time moping pointlessly”
But exactly like you say, it’s when I question this feeling that I mope, get scared and panic, and feel as if ‘my life is over’, it’s this interim as you say. You’re so on point, and I feel exactly the same way!
Rationally I have many reasons to doubt the feeling and my fear is that it is a coping mechanism/denial and not intuition.
However, another thing I’ve considered is that I will be far more attractive TO HIM if I am relaxed, having fun and confident in my ability to attract him and in his return. Men love confident women don’t they?
Therefore I’m going to do my best to not challenge my gut feeling, because it being there, I believe, increases my chances of attracting him back. Not only that, it’s a much nicer head-space to be in! I think we have to stop being ruled by fear (fearing our feelings are wrong). We have these strong feelings for a reason, whether they are just there to protect us or not, I think we should trust them completely and let go of fear.
Yes, it’s clear that in no way has your ex moved on! So there are definite grounds for you feeling that he will come back:) He just needs time to forget the bad and remember the good.
And lol, we have a deal! No breaking of NC unless a consultation has been done! shakes hand
I’m sorry, I probably misunderstood a bit! I thought you meant I had overstepped a bit, but I understand now! Thank you for the warning:) I agree making them jealous is tricky as it could push them further away. It’s so easy to fall into using that as a tactic and having it backfire (either by them not reacting to it - making us feel worse, or them taking a step back) so I really appreciate what you’ve said!
I reeeeally hope you’re right in that I shouldn’t read to much into the words he said! And yes I know he is afraid of leading me on, because I gave him a lot of hell for sending me mixed messages around the time of the break up. I know he’s worried about hurting me again, so it would take a looooot for him to dare to show interest. If had any interest he would think it through so much before actually showing me, after all of this.
Yes it’s positive he’s talking to me, but for the last three conversations I was the one to initiate them. I don’t know where he stands, but he claims that he wants to be friends. I don’t know if it’s because he feels bad or genuinely wants to.
I told him after the break up not to contact me unless it’s for anything practical - so I don’t know if he’s still following that rule. For now I’m just gonna wait until he contacts me. Even if he is still following the rule, he would think up something practical to say if he wanted to connect.
All we can do now is distract ourselves, improve ourselves, and wait…
sounds like our situations are very similar! my ex hurt me so much when we broke up, i think he is terrified of doing it again! he also hasn’t really initiated contact because of fear of sending me mixed signals. he has told me multiple times he is happy to hear from me whenever i reach out but doesnt initiate because he doesnt want to confuse me. i think he also will make sure he is 1000% certain before saying anything to me about getting back together. this is why i think i might being in the position to have to get the ball rolling with meeting up, talking more, etc. but we are nowhere near ready for that yet. i also told my ex not to contact me unless it was for something practical and he didn’t for 4 weeks - we were complete NC. i just broke up to wish him a happy new year and we had a nice conversation in which i told him i am feeling stronger and if he ever wants to talk I’m here for him and he shouldn’t hesitate to reach out to which case he said same goes for me.
i totally agree about distracting ourselves, improving, and waiting…i tend to be so impatient when it comes to this, but unfortunately for many of us, i really believe the more time we have apart will be more beneficial for us in reconciling… waiting for time to pass really is the hardest thing!im feeling okay the past few days mostly because i think i have such strong hope/feelings that he will be back and it is only a matter of time. I’m starting to get very nervous about what if i am wrong and he never comes back? am i delaying the process of moving on? so confusing!
My ex was reaching out in the beginning and even bought me a nice gift, but then I got angry at him for it due to it giving me mixed signals and set up the rule of only practical contact. The shame is that now I don’t know if he’s avoiding contact out of fear of hurting me or because he doesn’t want to.
We’re definitely in the same boat then, just waiting to see if they contact us now.
I’m really impatient too! I think we all are. That’s where distraction comes in handy. We’re impatient because we’re constantly thinking about it and wanting to escape the bad feeling we go through. I agree the more time we have apart would be better, however that time HAS to be filled with improvements and distractions. If not its a complete waste. Time on its own will only do so much.
I completely understand your fears and worries about your feelings that he’ll come back being wrong, and whether believing he’ll be back delays moving on. I’ve been through the very same thought process, and I decided to trust my gut instinct.
Whether that feeling is there for because I “can’t handle the reality” or because it’s real doesn’t matter, it’s there to help and it’s there for a reason. If it is just there for protection then it will go away on its own when you’re ready. As impatient as we are, all of this is GOING to take time so all we can do is TRUST that we will attract them back by focusing on the lives we’re building without them. I want to create a life for myself that is so amazing that it will REEL him (and/or others) in without having to actively try much at all. We have to trust in our magnetic abilities! I believe those magnetic abilities are there WHEN we trust and when we are so relaxed and happy with ourselves that we come to a place of not really needing them anyway.
I went on a bit of a ramble there…
Anyway what I’m saying is after thinking this trough I believe our best chances is to trust our ability to be magnetic, and to do all the self improvement we can to get to a place of feeling proud and happy - as opposed to living in fear, feeling desperate, spending time moping around. You attracted him once, and with all the new knowledge you have from this break up you will be able to attract him tenfold of that. Lucky for us, the bad is often easily forgotten.
So irrespective of what will be - we will be the most magnetic if we trust that we are - as opposed to living in fear. So therefore I think our best chances are to blindly trust our gut feelings. (I may be wrong, but it’s what I’ve come to)
No need to apologise Aphrodite, it’s what this is for, to express, analyse and repeat till we are blue in the face!
Sorry to hear about your sleep issues. I’ve in the past suffered from insomnia so I know exactly what it’s like.
When I’ve had contact from him, I can’t sleep. I can stay awake all night or fall asleep an hour before having to get up!
I think I’m over the main trauma of everything which was when I couldn’t sleep, now I’m ok at night. I mustn’t think of him or the situation and I usually watch a film to get my mind in more of a relaxed state.
Thank you:) Well it was a long ramble about my current attitude towards all this! I hope this attitude stays for a while though because I’m feeling a bit better with it!
Oh you know exactly how it is then! I’m the same, either I won’t sleep at all or just a couple hours. I have struggled with insomnia for years, but it has been much worse since all of this happened. I’m so glad you’re doing better with it and feeling over the worst:) poor sleep can mess up a lot of things! For me, my insomnia is probably the root of all evil in my life! I’ve considered going to a sleep retreat lol! If any of you have any tips I would welcome them:)
Congratulations on another day NC!
1/30 done for me!
