@aphrodite i really agree and like your attitude!! for now it is working to help me feel better so thats whats most important!! I’m going to go with it for now and trust my gut that the feeling wouldn’t be there if something wouldn’t come from it and it is helping to keep my spirits up. if he doesnt come back i think over time it will fade naturally or someone else wonderful will walk into my life!
congratulations on making it through one day! i hope it will get easier with time!
I’m glad it’s working! In general I think we let ourself rule by fear way too much and not enough by confidence. I read something great about being in the present. So often we’re either missing what was or analysing what happened in the past, or we’re worrying about or attempting to predict the future. We would be happier if we just decide to believe our exes will come back, and maintain our attention in the present. There’s no need to look to or worry about the future, because they ‘will be back’! Therefore all we should do is focus on the right here and right now - whilst relaxing, accepting and ‘knowing’ that all is and will be well:)
We have to accept this journey, kick back and relax.
I completely agree with you atea, if it’s not intuition then it still serves a purpose. Let’s trust our guts for now:)
Thanks for congratulating me! Day one makes it seem like I have such a long road ahead of me, but I’m gonna do my best to keep my attention elsewhere. Ugh, I have so much improvement work to do!!! x
i completely agree 
we need to be happy in the present and not worry about the future - its out of our control! and in the end it will all work out for all of us and we will all end up in happy places and will get the chance to work things out with our ex.
as for the 30 days seeming so long, i completely get it and I’m trying 90 days which sounds so crazy to me! whats helped me in the past is to think about it in smaller increments (like 5 groups of 6, 10 groups of 3, etc.). makes time go quicker for me!!
i totally agree, our guts and intuition are there to guide us through this!!!
Another sleepless night for me. I can sense the “why hasn’t he contacted me yet?” phase coming already, I just have to trust. I just have to ride it through.
I should probably be doing 90 days as well, but I’ll first see how I feel after 30. So I guess that’s already focusing on smaller increments… Really I’m taking it a day at a time though. For some reason I imagine the first days are the hardest. How long have you been NC now?
It’s way too early for me to hear from my ex. He won’t, like yours you need to remember they’ve made a decision and they are not going to suddenly turn around and say they’ve changed their minds. To them, they have ended it and they are moving on. Time needs to go past and they need to know that we’ve accepted it and moving on as they’ve wished. The way forward is just that, they are not going to change their mind just like that.
They seriously have to not hear from us for a long time, only then will they start thinking about us in a positive light.
Aphrodite, try get you’re head around 60 days. By what you say and how you feel, 60 days would be of great benfit to you…and sleep.
Who actually when you look at it is worth creating such a situation for you that you can’t sleep and all the other health implications that come with it?
I’m still feeling strong and rather anti my ex. I’m worth more than him 10 times over and I do not deserve what he’s doing. He’s playing it hard, I’m not sure I want to know someone who can do this. Ruined trust totally.
Yes I miss him greatly because he’s been a huge part of mt life for 8 years, and my son. But we all need to get a grip and look at how these guys have reduced us to tears, abandoned us and totally wrecked Christmas.
As for sleep Aphrodite, it’s such a personal thing. I’m going through a run of good sleep. I don’t think im sleeping enough right now but it’s ok. Are you getting enough exersise? Walking is great, I’ve a dog so I have to go come rain or shine. As a fellow insomniac then you probably know all the tricks in the trade. One I close my eyes I think of my massive yacht in the sun with this hunk of a guy (if only!) … Never think of ex!
@aphrodite, i am in a second period of NC. what happened with me is that we broke up end of september and remained in LC. i always initiated - he never did. sometimes his responses were cold, sometimes friendly. i tried to ask a lot of questions about the break up and understand and he gave me all sorts of confusion from he just needed some time off to he wanted me to move on and i was miserable. finally, we agreed to meet up and talk in person to “reassess” everything in the beginning of december. we met up and had a great time catching up. we went for a walk afterwards and i asked him his thoughts on our relationship. he told me that he was happier for this time not being in a relationship. I’m not sure if you’ve read my previous posts but he broke up with me seemingly out of nowhere just stating that we have been together since we were 15 and 16 (now 22 and 23) and he couldn’t be sure if i was “the one” unless he took some time away from our relationship and dated other people. when we met up in december, he told me he was feeling relieved to be single right now because it was something he gave a lot of thought to and knows for him this is necessary. he cried, told me he loves and misses me immensely but can’t be in a relationship right now. he felt we were already starting to act like a married couple and are too young. he told me he wanted to keep in touch and see each other occasionally but i saw how hard it was for me to see him knowing he didn’t want to be together right now. thats when i started my first round of 30 days NC. i asked him not to contact me as i had to move on and not wait around. he told me that he really does want to get back together “one day” but he doesnt feel ready right now and the reason we broke up is to see what else is out there and really step back and evaluate if we want to be in our relationship out of love or habit. he said he didn’t think the 2.5 months we had been apart was enough time to evaluate and we needed to wait for the dust to settle more. he told me he really did want to get back together after some more time has passed and when i asked how much time he said his “gut” said a few months but he didn’t want me to live my life thinking that because he couldn’t tell me for sure. i will say the first 10 days were absolutely awful for me, but it got easier. i thought about him constantly but didn’t feel the need to reach out. i broke NC last weekend after 30 days with a friendly, light text message. this was the first time he was very friendly and receptive and asked questions about how i had been. he seemed happy to hear from me and kept the convo going. i didn’t bring up the relationship once. then, after a few too many drinks i texted him new years eve to wish him a happy new years. he responded the next day. i told him i was trying to live my life with a new philosophy to us - i didn’t want to force myself to wait around or move on and was simply just going to live my life and focus on other things that make me happy. i told him I’m doing much better (which i am), although i still love and miss him immensely i understand and have accepted he needs this time and i hope one day we can get back together in time and he will feel rejuvenated and have his doubts confirmed, but that if that doesnt happen i know i am healing and we will both find happiness in other places. he told me he was so happy i was doing better (i was really a mess after the initial break up) and that he just wanted some real alone time to step back and evaluate his life and what he wants going forward and he’s happy I’m taking the time to do the same. he told me he doesnt want another relationship right now and he also thinks and hopes that in time this time off will be used to really strengthen our relationship. i told him i am doing my best to respect his space but am here if he wanted to talk to which he responded he knew and thank you and he’s absolutely always there if i want to talk too.
this is why i decided 90 days NC. we are on good terms, our break up wasn’t related to problems in the relationship. but we got together really young and don’t really know ourselves without each other. he needs this time, i didn’t feel i did, but he does. ad i don’t want to rush him. i don’t want him to come back to me unless he is ready and has experienced life without me and decided life with me makes him happier. i think he needs more than 3 months to come to this conclusion. i don’t think my NC will be strict - if he reaches out i plan on responding, keeping it light. i also have promised myself that i won’t beat myself up over slipping up and sending a text here or there if i do - after all our history, i doubt this will make a difference. he knows how i feel. i want to be with him but only after he has confirmed. he knows i too am dating around and thinks its healthy for both of us. if i do end up texting him before the 90 days i have promised myself it will not be about the relationship or meeting up at all but purely over tv shows, light catch up, etc. i might ask him to meet up end of march and disucss in person and reevaluate our situation as i feel it is very open ended, but i will decide then. also, my birthday is the end of april so if i am feeling strong end of march i might wait until then when i know he will reach out to me and ask him to meet up then. it will have been 7 months since the breakup then and i believe if he doesnt want to start heading down the path of reconciliation then, i must try harder to move on. i think needing time away is okay - but I’m not prepared to wait years!!
sorry for the long winded explanation, but my point is, it does get easier! and if you do slip up, be casual, calm, and confident. were all human and after so much history 1 or 2 texts or ims won’t make a huge difference in your situation at all. try to make it to 30 and then reach out and have a light, friendly convo if you are still dying to talk to him, and then try to go another 30. the holiday time also makes it worse!!! I’m sure i was in a much worse state than you - no eating, no sleeping, etc. for almost 2 months, but i have started to be okay and sometimes even find myself happy and not thinking about him! and i seriously feel your pain - this is the most difficult thing i have had to go through and i just one day envision us saying we no longer want to be apart from each other, but, you and i will both come out so much stronger from this!! keep telling yourself everything happens for a reason and whats meant to be will be, even if you breakNC, even if it seems impossible now, we will both eventually find happiness and time will pass and help us both sorry for the length of this post!!!
@belle, your strength is really inspiring! you seem to have a really healthy attitude towards everything. I’m doing my best to get there too!
Hi atea1234,
Keep positive, I know you desperately want your ex back as we all do but whatever happens I promise you with hand on heart you will be happy again. If not with your ex but with some other lucky guy. It’s very very hard to imagine what’s in the future, and it’s very hard to imagine life with someone else.
I’m much older than you and out of my worldly wisdom I’ve learnt that we do indeed get over these life hic ups. I’ve had my heart broken quiet a few times.
Maybe why I come across strong is because I Have to be. I’ve been here before with a guy I only had a 2 yr relationship with, we were not compatible like with my current ex but this old ex I truly truly loved. When he broke up with me I suffered like I’ve never suffered before. It took me years and then I still was not over him. I then met my current ex and it was difficult for me to give my total heart to him because i still thought of the old ex. I carried this burden for years.
I’m determined to get over my ex, I can’t repeat what I did before. I love him and want him back and will give it some time. If he doesn’t reach out by Easter then I’ve got to move on totally. My moving on starts now though. I have to accept that his love has gone, I don’t believe it has totally becuAuse we were so close. Anyway, I’m fully aware that he might have just had enough. I can’t imagine him being with anyone else and that causes me the most distress so I push it out my mind. Once I’ve moved on I will not keep any contact as it’s just distressing. I made this mistake with old ex.
I miss him more than anything but I can’t let him stop my happiness.
Can I add, the old ex came back. Years later when it was too late and I was happy in a relationship. But nevertheless he came back.
@belle, thank you so much for your response. I know I am very young and still have my life ahead of me. My ex boyfriend and I had a wonderful relationship. We were extremely compatible. We endured a few short breaks, years of long distance in separate universities, and many other ups and downs. We were truly best friends and our families became really close. His family adored me and mine adored him. We spoke every single day for 7 years and I was completely blind sighted by the break up. In retrospect, over the last year he had asked me a number of times if I thought we would ever really need to break up before we got married and I told him always that I didn’t think so and felt so lucky to have the relationship we had at such a young age. He usually seemed kind of ambivalent about this but then would always say he loved me too much to sacrifice our relationship for these thoughts. Eventually he told me these thoughts kept him up at night and he couldn’t see ever committing to me for marriage without experiencing life without me which is when we broke up. I keep reminding myself this extreme pain I feel is only temporary and either he will be back with his doubts confirmed or I will eventually be strong enough to let it go and let someone else in. For right now all I can really handle is trying to take things a day at a time and hoping for happiness again. I know I’m young but our relationship was truly wonderful and I do hope this can just be a bump in the road on our journey. I really appreciate your comment and it’s very reassuring to hear how you found love again after such a devastating breakup. Right now I feel as of my life is on hold because I can’t imagine a future without him in it or one with anyone else but im actively trying to make myself happy everyday and just hope if he isn’t back after a certain amount of time I can naturally let go of hope and feel more at ease being without him. I know this will be a long journey either way…
I know what you mean, I know exactly how you feel when you can’t imagine life without him.
Just give it time, live your life and try to accept for now he isn’t there. It’s temporary and a time for reflection.
I know the pain you’re in. It’s the worst thing in the world. It’s grief and whether someone you have loved has died or has left you it’s still grief.
This is temporary though, you need to understand its short term.
I can’t imagine life without my ex too. I can be out and get sad, something might remind me of him randomly and my eyes fill with tears.
I still don’t know why he’s just give up when everything could have been ironed out. He seriously loved me so much, we had a great holiday in August and everything was fine. Because of a series of events that happened he’s decided now we have different needs. We think differently apparently. It’s like what the hell!
One minute it was fine the next it wasn’t. I know different things led up to the breakup but they were not reasons of not being attractive anymore or not being able to laugh together anymore. It was what life can hit you and he’s decided to go off and blank me. To hear him say the love has gone hurts so much. How can we suddenly have different needs over night?
He’s working away and that’s my saving grace because at least he’s not having a normal life, going out and such. I don’t know when he’s back but I will be gutted if he does t want to make contact.
Still, I’m not going anywhere and I will not be able to give my heart away to anyone else. Like you, it’s a long journey ahead.
It helps a lot to know other people out there are also feeling this pain I have been reading a lot of self help books and also different stories about break ups and have found inspiration both from stories of people who have reconciled and gone on to have happy long term relationships with each other, and also stories of people who have moved on to find an even greater love. I totally agree with you and keep reminding myself that this is only temporary and will turn around. Like your relationship it sounds like, we really didn’t have any relationship issues that were unsolvable. we still were very attracted to each other, always had fun together, and has great communication. I believe whatever it is he is going through is internal. If he meets someone else while we are apart, it’s out of my control and we weren’t meant to Be. I think he recognizes how great our relationship was and is genuinely hoping some time off can confirm his doubts (at least that’s what he’s told me). Anyway, your situation sounds confusing. It sounds like you had s very healthy long term relationship based off s lot of love and compatibility. It is so confusing why he wanted to give up. Hopefully he is really taking his time away on business to think things through. I think waiting until Easter is a helpful timeline. My birthday is the last week in April and that’s kind of the timeline I’ve set myself. Hopefully by then even if he isn’t ready to be together, I will feel more ready to face the future without him. For now I just kind of feel in limbo. I have no idea how much time awau is appropriate for him. But I do believe there is a better chance for our exes to come back because they didn’t leave for issues that can’t be fixed.
As far as him saying the love was gone, I don’t believe that. You guys have years of love and history and that does not fade quickly. I think he is masking his emotions and trying not to feel weak but over the next couple of months will really be thinking things through and processing. I hope he comes back to you!
Thank you atea1234,
We are all in this rotten boat together, we are not sinking yet though, bailing out is not an option either.
Yes the limbo feeling is awful. Let’s just focus on not contacting them and get through each day as it comes.
Both of us have so much history with our ex’s. I mean, I could understand if they came back and after a few months decide that it’s not working out and rationalise the split. But this sudden split is seriously wrong, it’s like does our comparability mean nothing?
Like yourself as you say our split has nothing to do with attraction or having fun. If you and your ex was like me and my ex, my god we could have fun! Even just talking together would be fun. How are they both going to move away from that? It’s invaluable. Time will tell, I’m sure they will both come back to us, it’s how to go forward together when they do.
My birthday is the beginning of April, so April is our big month of decisions and changes. Even thought they could’ve back by then… Let’s not think too optimistic! Lol
I’m going out tonight! Whoop whoop! Just to the movies with a friend,rather be going with him but my friend will have to do!
I’ve missed out on a lot here, lol! Bare with me and I’ll reply:)
I know you’re right. It is way too early to hear from him. He made a decision and he’s not going to turn around on it fast, he’s afraid of leading me on, and he is probably moving on (hurts to write that). Yes you’re right, he needs to know I’ve moved on and am no longer a mess that will want him back faster than he can say cheese. Thank you for the rationale! This is going to require a lot of patience from my end…
Yesss, they do need to not hear from us for a while. I agree. It’s the fear that makes everything so hard.
You’re right, 60 days would be much better. I’m going for 30 first though just to chunk it up a bit! And he really isn’t worth everything he’s put me through, but my heart disagrees.
I’m so happy to hear that you’re feeling strong!! I love how you wrote that you’re worth more than him 10 times over. That’s where I need to get myself to! My ex was treating me abysmally towards the end, but I know how he can treat me the very best as well.
I ALWAYS think of ex when I’m trying to sleep! So as of tonight I’m gonna stop that and replace him with some other hunk lol! Yeah I know most of the tricks for sleep - but funnily enough I haven’t tried to actively not think about him. Thank you:)
I am not getting enough exercise, but tomorrow I’m signing myself up for 2x weekly morning gym routines nearby! Whether I’ve slept or not I’m gonna stick to it!
Feeling depressed today, but I know it goes up and down so I’m still hanging in there. I feel sea sick on that rotten boat we’re in lol, and I know it’s a long ride
x
Oh, it’s horrible hearing that they’re happier without us:( My ex said to me “I will still suffer, but I will suffer less without you”. So cruel to say, and he never clarified what he meant either. I assume it was because of our arguments. Our arguments were a lot about him being emotionally neglectful sometimes when I really needed him, and I kept wanting to understand how he could give me cold shoulders when I was most in need of support. I think now it was due to a fear of commitment. He would commit so far, but no further, he didn’t want to be leaned on - not when it really mattered.
Me and my ex were together from the very same age as you and your ex, so I know exactly what it’s like when you’ve grown up together like that. We were inseparable, like two peas in a pod. As for your ex, it’s a good thing that he was honest with you and told you straight up that he wanted to explore before committing. It would have been far worse if he didn’t, and he broke it off at a later point in stead.
It’s so difficult though when break ups happen suddenly. It’s easy to feel powerless and the thoughts of the why’s and how’s are overwhelming.
You never know though, this could have been his biggest mistake!! Maybe you will fall in love with someone else who wouldn’t risk ever abandoning you!
It sounds like the communication you had between this NC and the last one went pretty well:) You were honest with him. I don’t for a second doubt that he will be missing you and reach out again - however that may not happen until he senses that you are truly moving on. I think your time frame for all of this seems very sensible, and it’s good you’re going for 90 days!
x
Where are you two ladies from? I’m just about to turn out the light and think of my hunky mystery man on my yacht in the Medeterrainian 
in reality I’m in cold miserable London, on my own 
lol
@belle, glad we are on this ship together! And that’s exactly what I’m doing - just trying to enjoy each day as much as possible and not contact him!!! Eventually I will need more closuere if he doesn’t come back but I think for right now he does really need this time away to decide what he wants in the future. I think he will be back to me, but only time will tell it sounds like yor ex will be too. I hope maybe they just need some time away to appreciate what they have right in front of them. And wow, London?! One of my favorite cities! I’m in cold and rainy new York.
@aphrodite, I agree and am glad my ex is going through this now and not later in life. If he comes back to me in a few months and feels ready to commit, we still have the time to build back or relationship and start a future. I would much prefer this to happen now than years down the road. But it still is the worst thjng to go through! I also fear that my ex boyfriend is a little scared to commit. I mean he cried hysterically ending things with me and told me might be making the biggest mistake if his life but he had to go through with it. I do really hope and feel he will be back because we had such a special relationship but I agree, time will tell if we end up together. I can’t wait around forever and If I meet someone else before he is ready then it wasn’t meant to be! But I don’t feel anywhere near ready to be dating someone else now…so I guess it all depends on when he feels “ready” to come back to me.
Congratulations to both of you on another successful NC day! Day 3/90 for me!!
I also think in all of ouf situations our exes were probably feeling a bit of relief after the i ritual breakup as they clearly wanted to go through with this, so I’m hoping if we all stick to nc and the reality starts to set in for all of them, they will really see why they have lost!
@Belle I was just broken up with after that 2 year relationship that you mention, the one where you both really, really loved each other. This is the one guy I don’t know if I’ll every get over if we don’t reconcile (btw… I’m a gay dude). I was wondering if there was anything you would have done differently with him that first time. He broke up with me last week after a few months of long distance while we were studying abroad (but we did see each other every other weekend or so). He said it was because he’s young and he doesn’t know about the future yet, but he added a day later it was because I was needy during our weeks apart (I was, I’ll admit it, and I’m seeing a therapist now to get my anxiety under control). He’s always been a guy that likes his space, more of an introvert - and I’ve usually been good about giving him that. We are very compatible, had a great sex life, no real issues with arguing. I’m wondering if you could suggest anything. I didn’t take the breakup well because I wasn’t expecting it, and we met a day later so I could tell him how I felt and suggested a break instead of a breakup and he basically said “no my mind is made up and breaking up and a break are the same things, BUT I want to see you in a few weeks to give you your christmas gift and let you see Rigby (his cat).” I promised to give him space and said I wouldn’t contact him for two weeks which I’ve stuck to, now that I found this site I’m wondering if I should extend that past two weeks. We truly love each other and have great chemistry, and I know this is the one guy I’ll honestly never forget. Hoping you have some advice.
I’m in Norway - the land inspired by Frozen, and indeed it is! Brrr… No more complaining @Belle and @atea1234 lol
I love London, I’m actually looking to live there for a little bit or at least visit soon, and I have lived there before too. @atea1234 I have never been to New York but I’m sure it’s amazing! My friends love it:)
Before I go to sleep I’m always in my dream house, with my own heated pool having a swim and a drink in the company of ex (usually) but after what you said @Belle I’ve replaced him! And guess what? I managed to fall asleep tonight! I also began reading “the art of happiness” by Dalai Lama (suggested by @Lost and Confused) and it hit me that maybe I can’t sleep because I’m never actually happy before bed. There’s always some bad thought that manages to sneak it’s way into my head. So I really attempted to feel happy this time and I feel asleep!! It was light sleep, and I woke up now at 03:45 but nonetheless this is progress!
@atea1234 I would also need more closure if nothing further happens with ex. There my gut feeling goes again telling me “of course something further will happen”. I can tell you both I have never had a gut instinct as strong as this. I will be truly shocked if it’s just a protection mechanism! Its head vs heart, and the heart is positive it will work out.
@atea1234 Yes it’s better now than later, and that’s the same for me as well. But I know, it’s still heart wrenching! And a part of me wishes this had happened sooner! I used to have more “bounce back ability” but with time I have become someone who idealises more and more having a husband, a family, a house together. It’s hard to have been so committed for so many years and go back to being single, having to start all over. We had a bond for 12 years, and I know that if the next person I’m with isn’t him, it can’t compare to a bond created from so many years:(
I can’t know for sure, but it’s how I feel now.
I see your point @atea1234 in that it depends on when he will come back. If he leaves it too late you may be happy with someone else and it could be his biggest mistake. However I do believe that when you get to a point of becoming serious with someone else, he will panic and try to reel you in again. At which point it will all be up to you. That’s how I predict your situation anyway. Right now we all just need time, healing, improvement and fun! Like you both, I cannot begin to imagine anyone else but this man. He captured my heart, my soul. My world revolved around him entirely (my biggest mistake). I’m gonna have to capture it back from him, and my world needs to revolve around me.
@atea1234 I agree, I sincerely hope NC will make them realise what they’ve given up. Personally I really have to put the focus back onto my own life.
Day 2/30 done for me! Hope you’re both sleeping soundly x
By the way, I may begin to delete older posts I’ve written in a bit, in fear of getting recognised by ex. What IF he does want me back and is checking out this forum? Most likely not of course, but I want to safeguard myself.