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Breakup Help no-contact-rule
41

Aphrodite,

That’s fab news about sleep? So glad you might find a techinique that can help. I often wake on the night,well actually every, I have to keep myself in that slumber so I just go back to the boat and hunky guy! Lol… Yes it sounds crazy but without sleep you indeed go crazy! Lol
Delete posts, I totally understand.

Atea1234

He must have been so torn about his decision. I’m will be surprised if he doesn’t come back. It’s not all roses out there as people beleive. This is something he has to do and I’m pretty sure a day doesn’t go by that he thinks of you.

Helpmeout

Hi and sorry to hear of your story :frowning:
Initially we all beleive we will never get over our ex’s, some mechanisium kicks in for some reason and we have strong feelings and pain when this happens.

I think about this old ex of mine that the relationship wasn’t the best. We had a food times don’t get me wrong but there was lost missing. He wasn’t tactile, he emotionally kept me at arms distance, it was soul destroying but for some reason I loved him.
I had been through a bit of emotional trauma before I met him and when I did he took that pain away and focused on a lot of attention on me at the beginning, for the first year. He pulled me out an emotional time for me which I guess i hadn’t dealt with first. He was a great crutch. So I relied on him emotionally even though I could see things weren’t great.
After the first year he pulled away emotionally because of my life baggage. We limped on for another year and I spent that year terrified of loosing him, but I think I already had if I look back.
So when he cut ties eventually I was devestated beyond words. I couldn’t eat, I lost so much weight I was then underweight. I would contact him now and then to get same answer. I had an instinct it was all wrong what he did and I knew he would be back. just knew it, I didn’t know when but I knew he would. Because of that gut feeling I could nt move on, I had flings, met lots of guys etc bit nothing could shift this guy from my head. It took,2 years to dined someone else and even then my heart was still with old,ex.
He rang me a few times in middle of night over the first few years being apart,so clearly I was on his mind too.
I really can’t say why I loved him so much. I cried for months, couldn’t eat, obsessed on him. It was unhealthy.
Then I met my current ex and slowly with all the fun and attention he gave me I slowly forgot the old ex, but never completely.
My current ex has much more compatability and longevity than old ex.

The old ex did indeed come back. He fell back in love with me and still is. But I don’t feel the same because my heart is with someone else now. The old,ex is still there and you never know, years down the track maybe things will work out but I’m. to interested in anything until I’ve worked through feelings towards current ex.

After learning the hard way, as I do. I’m determined to give myself an allowable time scale for my current ex to either come back or for me to move on.
6 months I will give myself to think about ex, do NC and try to get back with him.
If it fails then I will hopefully be in a position to begin to really move on. Acceptance is a good thing, to get to acceptance you need to grieve. You need to push life forward while we are in NC. If I had known about this site all thoes years ago I may have been able to move on rather than fantasising about someone who really wasn’t for me.
So, I’m embracing all that this site has to offer. I’m on a path that can lead me to happiness what ever way it turns out. I’m doing all I can to reconciliation with my ex, if it doesn’t work then I know I did all I could, then I will be in a better state to move on.
Acceptance is the way forward, NC is about finding ourselves again to lead us to acceptance. Once we’ve accepted then we are in a powerful position to reconcile or move on.
We can do 2 things, wallow or push forward. Life is short to wallow. I wallowed and I wasted 2 years on somebody that couldn’t return my love. In fact it was 3 years as the last year of our relationship was pretty loveless.
Even if we remain single least we are not putting too much thought into the people who don’t want to be with us… They are having a good time arnt they so why shouldn’t we put our selves in that position too!

42

@Belle

Bless you! I use melatonin. It’s doesn’t always work because I developed a tolerance for it, but it’s something I recommend to anyone with real difficulty sleeping.
I’ve been awake since my last post now. Feeling rather good so far today, as long as I distract myself!

I was also madly in love with someone before my ex, and it took me two years to get over. It taught me that being clingy after a break up really does not work. I never want to feel the way I did back then again. If I’m wrong about my gut instinct of me and this ex, I fear I will be.

How are you all doing today?

43

@belle, this is my biggest fear - that I will hold onto hope for so long and he won’t return. I know I am young but I’ve already invested 7 years of my life with him so I don’t want to waste two more years if he isn’t coming back! I agree with doing everything I can to reconcile for 6 months but then I will really try to let it go. I’m already a little beyond the three month point. after this 90 day nc period I need to know what he wants going forward. I can’t rush his decision but I csnf wait around forever. And I feel like if he wants to risk letting me go for longer than that fhen he probably will have realized his life is better without me - 6 months is enough time for reality to set in and him to decide.
@aphrodite, it isn’t all roses out there and I hope your ex realizes the same!!! I agree that my life somewhat centered around him. I always had my own friends and interests but in reality he was always my first priority and I think I sometimes put his happiness before my own. I don’t think he’s nervous right now because I think he knows how much I want to reconcile. But I believe you’re right, if I did start to get serious with someone else I think he would be neevous. Only time will tell! I’m really curious if he will break nc before 90 days…so far he hasn’t initiated anything but the longest I’ve ever gone is 30 days…waiting and not knowing is the worst! I’m also feeling so frustrated because when we do talk he makes it like he wants to be together in the future but isn’t ready yet. What will make him ready?! And what will he need to accomplish in this time off to make him feel certain? I do fear that he knows if he commits to me again it has to be permanent because he would never put me through this again and because we are really young, I fear he will be too nervous to do this anywhere in the foreseeable future.

44

I too fear my gut instinct is wrong. What I say to myself is that if he doesn’t want to come back then he really finds life without me better, sad but maybe he hasn’t been happy for a while. I find that heard to accept though.

The problem is that once we’ve let go and move on, if they don’t come back and we meet someone else then because of our strong feelings towards these guys then will it effect our next relationship. How does one move on totally 100%?

I feel that if he’s doesn’t come back in the time scale,it’s unfair to come back any time after. My old ex did this, he once in a blue moon get in touch, even if it was a random drunk hello in middle of night. It’s so wrong on so many levels to do that.

On another note, I fear because I’ve showed such emotion when we split up over weeks that he will not want to get in touch because he knows what I’ve been through. He might leave it too long. I don’t know. I just hate this waiting game.
If I just cut him off from that first day I think chances of reconciliation is much greater. All this sobbing over phone just freaks them out and they realise they can’t come back after what emotion has been shown.

Atea1234

Your time scales are realistic. You ask what will make him ready, you not contacting him will make him ready. You’re doing all you can and I applauded you for every day you don’t contact him, the 30 days you did was fantastic.
By April, you will be a different person in his eyes. Don’t fear that he will think that being with you he has to commit. Full fill your life and go places do different things, this will show him that being with you doesn’t mean heavy commitment, it means you’re outgoing, fun and adventurous and exciting person to be with. Travel is the best way to open your eyes to new things, plan something that is beyond anything that he thought you would do. It will show him that there is another side to you. If it’s traveling round the world on a budget or jumping out of a plane with parachute then do it. Don’t make him think that if he comes back to you that it will be the same old.

Aphrodite,

Learn by your old break up, like I have too. It seriously the worst thing in the world to hang on to an ex in vain.
We have a plan and all we do is need to stick to it. Follow the rules and we will be ok.
I too fear my gut instinct is wrong. I’m concerned I will still be here in 6 months time still wanting him back, with him still be angry with me.
It’s funny you know but when I told you about what he said to me in that email your response was that he sounded angry and childish. Well last night I showed my friend the same email and she said exactly the same. She said he’s so immature by saying that.
I’m focussing on do I need an immature childish man in my life who can take responsibilities for his own actions. He blames me for nearly everything and quiet frankly have I ever held a gun to his head and told him what to do all the time? No! Never! So I’m focusing on this thought process at the moment and it’s keeping the sad emotion at bay… For now!

Yes I’ve heard about Melatonin… When the yacht and hunky guy disappears I will get some! Lol

45

@belle, I agree! I have already grown so much since the needy girl I was after the breakup sending him all kinds of emotional messages! I actually have just made plans to go traveling in July and am really looking forward to it - whatever happens with him will happen but I need to be adventurous and do fun things for myself at this age!
For both of you, about our “gut feelings”. I last night spoke to a family friend who has now been married for two years very happily. She told me about how 4 years ago Her now husband broke up with her because he was scared to commit and didn’t know if she was “the one”. He didn’t have any interest in keeping in contact with her and she told me it was the lowest point of her life, but she somehow just knew that this wasn’t the end for them! She knew he would be her husband one day. Sure enough, he was back 6 months later and wanted her more than anything. They got back together officially two months later and are now happily married. She told me never to ignore a gut feeling - her friends and family told her she was crazy but she said she just knew otherwise. As devastated as she was, she grew as a person during this time. Not to say all of our exes will come back and we will get our happy endings but we need to work on ourselves, make ourselves happy, and trust that things will get better and work out! I am feeling good today, even thoigh I know these next few months will be difficult, I am now looking forward to moving beyond these tough times and finding happiness again whether it be with him or with someone else!

46

I love hearing stories like that Atea1234, it gives hope and inspiration it really does.
When it comes to my ex I just can’t imagine him or I with anyone else. It just doesn’t make sense. When I try and describe our compatibility it’s very hard but maybe you know what I’m trying to say. Felt very very relaxed and normal with each other, no inhibitions or awkwardness. In house jokes, know how each other feel and think all the time.

I’m glad you have something planned in the summer, we just need to move on while we have this time. I’ve got a week away in July but that’s it’s but that will do it at least it’s something.

Such a nice story about your friend, it really is.
I know that for not all of us will we reconcile, it’s sad and we don’t know who will and who will not :frowning:

47

Thanks @Belle

It sounds like our situations were quite different. But it sounds like your more recent relationship is a bit more like mine. I’m working really hard at this NC thing, and to be honest if he contacts me next week after two weeks of NC I probably will go see him. It’s really tough being on this side of things but I will say hearing y’all’s stories and suggestions at least let me know that I’m not crazy and that it really is this hard. It’s more about when I read these “we were in a 4 month relationship and now I’m dying because we broke up” posts on here that I lost some hope, but you three have some great insight on what sound like real relationships.

Thanks

48

Yes it is tough and the longer the relationship the harder it is, saying that the more history there is the better chance of reconciliation. Not saying that all people who’ve been together along time get back together! It’s just a longer journey to go on. If a couple split after 4 months then really you will move on much quicker than if you’ve been with some one 10 yrs!

This site is good because people come here pouring out their emotions and you realise everything you’re going through is completely normal.
Yes, the people who’ve only been in a relationship for a matter of months really need to get a grip! I will now be shot down into a million pieces! Haha.

49

@belle, I completely agree! When my ex came to get his stuff he even told me that he felt so torn becaise he knows he needs to be “alone” but everything feels so natural between us. So im totally on the same page as you, but I do think a relationship that feels natural and effortless is special and our exes hopefully will come to appreciate that!

50

Yes atea1234,
They will,they have too! How can you walk away for ever from such a special unique relationship.
You can’t.

They are stupid! Lol

51

I agree! They are being Stupid!! I know there is no way of predicting this but do you have a time frame of when you think your ex will come back? I read somewhere between 6 months and 1 year is an ideal time before reconciling…
I’m feeling pretty good today! Definitely helps being busy. I still can’t help feeling like my life is kind of on hold a little until NC is over and I can discuss how he’s feeling…
Also lately I feel very uneasy knowing that my ex is datig other girls. Ironically, I think he will need to date before he can maybe come back to me because he did want to see what else is out there and that’s why we broke up. But the thought of him with other girls makes me nauseous so I try to not think about it. But I do worry if we decide to reconcile how I will handle knowing he has been with other girls when we were apart. Do you worry about that? Also, my family feels a lot of resentment towards him and that worries me. Is that an issue for you as well?

52

@atea1234 what a lovely story about your friend! It really does give hope. Everyone around me says my gut feeling is denial, and it frustrates me. I’ve stopped listening now though. I know it’s right for me to have this feeling whether or not it’s correvt!

So tonight I accidentally stumbled across two emails drafts (I never sent them) to my ex that I wrote right before the break up. Man that period was tough…! I can’t believe what he did to me. I had forgotten some of the stuff.
I actually really want to send these emails to him to make him realise what I was going through at the time. I was too much of a wuss to tell him how I felt then, but I think he should know.

It’s only been three days since we spoke and we ended it on happy note. However I do really want him to read the emails. Any advice on what to do? I don’t want to leave it too long if I am gonna send this to him

53

I think my need to express myself about how I felt during how he treated me may weigh more than the risk of not getting him back:/

54

Aphrodite!! No!

That’s breaking NC. Keep them in a special folder so you don’t see them.
You ended speaking to him on a happy note, then by him reading your distressed emails will prove you’re not over him. Even though you wrote them a while ago to him it will be a revelation and he will think why has she sent them to me.
You want to appear as if you’re not bothered. Sending them will prove you really are very bothered about it.
What happened to 30 days! Come on Aphrodite, you need to do 30 days!

55

All of a sudden I don’t know if I care:( I can’t believe he did this stuff to me! He left me without giving me his address! He never came back to check on me, he cold shouldered me when I said I was breaking down and needed help and so much more. I was alone in his country and at the time we hadn’t broken up yet. I had forgotten how bad it all was…

56

I think you are right belle. The longer you are with someone the harder it is for both people. Neither myself or my ex has moved on yet. Still have emotions toward each other. I havnt thrown anything out and last time we talked she hasn’t either. The people who are so torn up about 3 or 4 months don’t even know what goes into a relationship! In my eyes they never even had a real relationship, that’s just a fling. They should try being with someone over 8 years getting to know their whole families and then having to accept all that was for nothing lol. I still find it funny how a month after my break up my ex while crying said I hope your whole family doesn’t hate me. Shit like that makes what we are going through crazy hard

I’m in the 6-1 year period lol… Hopefully it works out for me lol

How have things been going for you Belle?

57

Atea1234,

My situation is slightly different for me, if my ex moves on with someone else then there will be no going back. He’s not the type to just date for the sake of it, he also works away so there is no chance as it’s a remote place. If he dates others the. It will be at a time in the future that will go past the reconciliation date which like you i put between 6 months and a year. I can’t see it happening any earlier to be honest. He needs to come back to the UK and live life inbetween work and realise what it’s like without me about. So his work will prolong things. Still, I predict if we are not together by next September or anywhere near it I have to come to terms that he will never come back. His lose!

I’ve kept very low key with my parents and family. They know he’s out the country a lot so it’s easy to say we are taking time out and just need time for ourselves. A few people know the situation but many don’t as they see the recent holiday pics on facebook ect. I’m not advertising the split to anyone, they don’t need to know and it gives me time to recover and feel strong and not bothered what people say or think. If I spoke about it now I would breakdown and I don’t want to make people feel awkward.

I could not handle him seeing anyone else. I’d rather cut him off but I know your situation is different so please don’t compare.

58

Hi mike2014,

Yes I was in an 8 yr relationship too.
I think the 6 month to 1 yr is realistic, if you think about reconciliation any sooner then you’re building yourself up to be disappointed.
My younger son treated my ex as his dad… Now my ex has just casted us to one side. That’s tough.

Aphrodite, think of what he’s done to you and deprive him of yourself. He would like nothing better for you to get in touch as it puts him on a pedestal. Don’t give him the pleasure. You been through shit, rebuild yourself into a better you and stick two fingers up at him for now. Lol

59

@Belle

I’ll sleep on it. Was thinking I would write something like “I didn’t have the guts to send them to you then, so I’m sending them to you now - courtesy of my past self”. Then go NC 60. With that message I’m saying I’m stronger and will stick up for myself now. Yes I would also be saying that I still very much care… But I think I need him to read through the pain he put me through. Ugh. I don’t know, I’m too emotional today! Need sleep!

60

Sleep on it Aphrodite, would he really read it? I just think it’s too soon to send it. It’s your choice the end of the day and I understand if you send it.

I don’t want to give my ex any contact what’s so ever. He’s discarded me. If the love has gone then it was shallow love as we had a great holiday only back in August. He knows I’m in the UK alone at the moment with no family and he couldn’t rise above everything to make sure I was ok. So, he can go without any correspondence from me now.