No Contact Annoymous - Share your struggles with keeping NC

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1661

@confusedbutok I’m not sure if my ex really likes to chase or not…I was the one who originally asked him out because, as he later said, he was too intimidated by me and didn’t want to be shot down so he went for girls who weren’t as beautiful/smart/nice etc as me. He doesn’t like clingy girls, but he also doesn’t like when he has to do most or all of the chasing.

I would love to do the whole clean slate thing with him and text him from time to time. He has said multiple times he really wants us to be friends and wants to keep the lines of communication open. About a month ago, maybe a little more, he started dating a new girl and she won’t allow him any contact with me. He isn’t allowed to talk to me unless its about our bills (we lived together) and even those she made him take his name off of and such. She texted/called me from his phone and said all sorts of nasty stuff to me and basically made it clear that as long as she is around he is not my friend and will have nothing to do with me. It is really confusing because I know he would appreciate hearing from me from time to time, thats all we have ever agreed upon since the break up six months ago, but I don’t want to wish him a happy birthday and have her freak out and make him miserable.

Maybe it would be a good thing for her to be mad I texted on his birthday though, because last year on his birthday I took really good care of him and basically let him be a jerk to me all day. The next day he woke up and apologized and I just told him that I love him no matter what and I just want him to be happy. If I text and she gets mad, then it will just look bad on her. I know this is a month away, but I miss him and I want him to be in a healthy relationship whether it is with me or someone else. I barely know anything about her, but she is already telling him who he can and cannot be friends with or speak to, which is ridiculous.

Does your ex respond when you text her? Testing the waters sounds like a really good idea, especially after the clean slate apology. Do you think it has been effective so far? Is she seeing someone else now? Its ok that she freaked out when you first reached out to her. When you have all that anger then walk away from someone, you don’t really get to release those emotions. I bet she just needed to get everything out in the open so she can start to see you in a new light. Keep on improving your communication with her and reassuring her things won’t be the same as before.

1662

@knitterz
His current gf flipping out could be a good or bad thing depending on him. I know if a girl has a bf and her ex texts and the current bf gets worked up it makes him look bad because women hate guys who display jealousy since it’s from insecurity. But for a guy it might make him enjoy his gf being all crazy about him. It’s a tough call. You’d have to evaluate how your ex would take it.

As far as mine, I’ll reach out and she’ll respond for the most part but if I try turning it into a conversation she just puts the brakes on. Then I wait a couple days and try again. All the texts I send I try making seem like “oh this just happened and it reminded me of you/time we shared” I don’t send “what’s up” empty texts. Only “how are you in this weather?” When we’ve had some storms here.

It’s tough to gauge. When we spoke and she flipped out she had mentioned she was seeing someone who makes her “very happy” it was when I called her bluff that she got angry at me lol. So who knows if it’s true or not. I don’t ask nor do I care honestly. But she does seem to have walls up when it comes to going into conversations.

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@confusedbutok The entire reason we broke up, even though he said I was the love of his life, he has never been so happy as when he was with me, never was this sweet with a girl, never loved anywhere near to this way before, etc. was because he didn’t think I treated him right. He hated when I was jealous or controlling, absolutely hated it. Right after the breakup when we had a talk with each other, he actually said the phrase “I hope to god my next girlfriend isn’t as jealous or controlling as you!” and ironically this girl seems worse. He just is the kind of guy who will feel like she shouldn’t do that crap, but not tell her until way down the line and let it fester inside. So maybe me reaching out for his birthday would be a good way to bring up to him again that I am gone because of her? Or maybe it would be better to say nothing and then he will miss the fact that I didn’t say anything for his birthday, which could be her fault since she made me go away?

I think your texts are going well so far. Try the encourage, never require method that relationship rewind has. Don’t phrase things as a question or something she has to respond to, but still put it in a way that she can clearly strike up a conversation with you if she wants. Maybe its time to try and get her to have a cup of coffee with you?

I read somewhere a situation I like that you could use, with the encourage never require method. Tell her you usually go to — coffee shop on — day/time and she is welcome to join you this week if she wants to get a cup of coffee and catch up. That way, if she doesn’t show up its totally ok, you were going to be there anyways doing your own thing, and if she does its a friendly meeting and not a date. No pressure on either side and if she says no or doesn’t show up you don’t have to be too upset because you don’t look dumb for being there without her and you look like the calm one in the situation.

If she has walls up, its probably because she wants less pressure from you to converse. Maybe reach out a little less often or only reach out about the coffee meeting for now and then if she doesn’t contact you first, wait two weeks or so to try again. She is probably still emotional and doesn’t know how she feels, so by giving her more time and space you are telling her you have moved on and don’t care for her romantically anymore. It will seem as if you truly just want to be friends and so she will both feel less pressure and will wonder why you aren’t head over heels for her anymore and start to get concerned.

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@knitterz
If he hates jealous gf’s then maybe text him and cause his gf to get crazy lol.

I couldn’t suggest a coffee meet up to catch up at this point. I don’t think she’d respond well considering her lack of responses via texts.

As an example, currently she’d been diagnosed with a sensitivity to gluten so we chatted very briefly and I asked “how’s it been having to adjust to a gluten free diet?” And she stopped responding lol

Was trying to go deeper and ask a question most guys wouldn’t care to inquire about.

1665

Hey Guys,

An update in my situation:

I broke NC today, more like ended it (Day 25).

I contacted my ex asking her to meet up for a catch up.
Heres the convo

Me: Hey (Ex’s name)! Just wondering if you would like to catch up sometime.

Ex: Sure, it would be nice to have a catch up.

Me: I am busy this week but next would be good if you are free.

Ex: Okay. Maybe if you tell me what days you come to Uni, then we can do it on one of those.

Me: I am not due to visit Uni for sometime. We can do brunch on a weekend if that would be better.

Ex: Sure, we could do that. I guess you are busy in the evenings after work, but this would also be fine with me.

Me: I am free on the 4th evening and that weekend.

Ex: 4th evening is fine with me.

Me: Alright

Ex: Okay, see you on the 4th then

She is still with her bf and I found out that they have been sending each other “love you lot” messages. I am not sure if her relationship with him is the real deal either way I want to work on getting her back. I did not build any attraction via messages…I will work on that closer to the date I think.

What do you guys think?

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@Martin
Good job! If you’re ready for a face to face go for it. Try not to be nervous or anything when you see her. I think it’s good she’s willing to catch up.

I’d suggest not being too flirty at first. Come off as perfectly fine with the break up and indifferent. Try planning more meet ups as friends and then slowly start building attraction. Or just go for it the first meet lol.

I plan on building anticipation/attraction via texts before I suggest a meet but we’ll see what happens.

1667

@confusedbutok I would love to find some random excuse to talk to him to piss her off, but I don’t even know what I could text him that seems necessary and not like I was intentionally contacting him after his girlfriend freaked out. I want him to get sick of her and break up with her, not see me pestering her and blame me for their breakup you know?

Those conversations sound good, but maybe don’t phrase it as a question she has to answer. Instead of asking her how being gluten free is, say “Hey I read this article about gluten free diets and I found this recipe for your favorite food that is gluten free. Pretty interesting, I’ll email it to you.” Or something like that. You are encouraging a response but you aren’t saying anything that is pushy or that she feels obligated to answer. Questions aren’t good for striking up conversations with someone who is skittish around you.

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@knitterz
Nice tip! Though I’m not initiating with questions. I’ll send a text that encourages a response and then I try to deepen it into a conversation. Otherwise it’s just always a few back and forth texts that go no where. She just always stops when she senses we could possibly keep going comfortably.

1669

@confusedbutok

Do you know any examples of how to build attraction via texts?

I am kind of scared as it could be a hit or a miss thing. I know I can look steady.

1670

Hey! So, I finally start to realise that she’s gone for real. Of course I still miss her and love and etc, but I just want the good memories to stay and I don’t want to hate her and for that I need to move on and to stop obcessing over this.
I’m gonna send her that message I posted here earlier and then that’s it, NC indefinitely. Her birthday is coming in a month but I don’t think I should say anything, right?

Should I say “take care, name” in the end of the message, or nothing at all?

1671

@Martin
I wouldn’t try to force attraction via texts. It just naturally happens when you know the girl is being recipient. Normally I try building comfort and the more she responds I throw in teasing and playfulness.

For example with my ex if I tried being too flirty/playful at this point it could backfire big time.

For you, just be a confident attractive guy when you see your ex. I don’t mean pretend either she’ll sense it, just own it. Be the best you, the guy you were when you two met. If it helps just tell yourself she wants you, you’ll act properly with that mindset instead of one of “I need to make her attracted to me”

1672

@knitterz I think sending a “happy b-day” text would be a good idea. It would show you remembered and were thinking of him. I think it would be a two birds, one stone situation too with the new girl, because you know it will make her angry. Not that I’m for playing games or anything, but she is just making it too easy. I think in most other’s situations stepping back and being completely silent helps, but I’m thinking in yours and the way your ex is, you might need to try to stay in his life a little. Maybe doing limited contact after you’ve completed your chunk of NC.

I understand where you are coming from with the sleeping alone thing. Do you have pets? Something I did early on was shove a couple pillows up against me in bed so that it felt like someone was in bed with me, haha. I’ve been thinking lately of getting a puppy so that I could have a little friend to take care of and cuddle with.

I haven’t read Outlander but I caught a few episodes of the series on tv and thought it was an interesting storyline. Let me know what you think when you are done, I might pick it up :). I’ve been readying all kinds of things lately. I just finished the three 50 shades books, and I’m almost through The Heart is a Lonely Hunter. I think after that I’m going to get The Martian, it sounds good and I guess it’s going to be made into a movie soon. I’ve been recommended The Alchemist, so that’s on the list. I’m also thinking of getting Bukowski’s Love is a Dog from Hell, because it seems fitting right now, haha.

@archola I have to ask what you are feeling at this point? You seem a little confused about what you want to do. You mentioned wanting to go into NC indefinitely, but then mentioned contacting her after that about her birthday. I think it’s up to you what you feel is best to send her in your letter. If you truly want to go into NC indefinitely then say whatever you feel you need to say.

1673

@Nell well I do want to go NC indefinitely. There’s not point in waiting for her anymore, if she ever wants to talk or to say anything it’s up to her, she knows where she can find me. But I’m tired and wasted of thinking about her, of fighting for this. I’m done, I really am. I’m tired of feeling depressed and all that just because of her. She doesn’t deserve it anymore.
The thing I said about wishing her happy birthday it’s just because, well, probably I shouldn’t yeah.

I’m sorry if I sound rude or something…I really am just tired of her, I’m tired of this, of being like this.

1674

@Nell I would love to stay low contact if for no other reason than I want us to be friends. I don’t want to poke the bear so to speak and if he never responds to my texts or anything how do I justify continuing to contact him after his girlfriend so clearly said to leave him alone? I want to text and tell him about something funny from around our apartment that we used to laugh about that isn’t romantic or anything, but I feel like if I did it would piss him off because his girlfriend would be pissed off. Maybe with his birthday it could be the time to turn things around. It will be 6 weeks NC on his birthday I think so that will be a good chunk of time.

I do the same thing with my body pillow, I am just a big spooner so its not the same without another person. I really want to adopt a dog, I have always had dogs growing up and I love them. I have waited because I am moving to the other side of the country at the end of the summer and I am driving there. I might end up getting a dog and dealing with the move when it comes around anyways because I don’t want to continue being this alone. You should get a puppy if you want company. They are great to keep you busy and you can get out to parks, etc everyday. When I have taken my parent’s dogs to the park I have always ended up meeting cool new people and have gotten some fresh air too. Puppies are great cuddlers too!

I saw the Outlander series too and the book is much, much better. The writing is amazing actually, I am on page 500 and its just getting better as it goes. What is the Martian about? It sounds like it could be something I would enjoy reading. What do you think of the Heart is a Lonely Hunter so far?

1675

@archola I understand. I don’t take anything you said as being rude or anything like that. I know how exhausting and frustrating it can be to keep waiting and thinking of an ex. I hope that sending the letter and going into NC indefinitely helps give you that freedom from her that you need. I really do hope you start feeling better soon.

@knitterz I agree, I think the birthday will be a good time to contact. It’ll put a little more NC under your belt and it will also be a good way to test the waters so to speak and see how he responds.

I’m actually going to be doing the same thing! My family lives on the other side of the country and after all this mess here is cleaned up with my ex, I’ll be moving back home and driving there. That’s why I have been putting off getting a dog. I don’t know what my living situation will be like then. I should just stop over thinking it and just get one though, I know the companionship would help me greatly right now. We used to have a dog and had to get rid of him and I’ve been feeling a void ever since. There is actually a really great dog beach up the road from me that I’d love to go to again. Something about watching all the dogs running free and jumping in the ocean is just so joyful and relaxing to me. It’s also hilarious to watch the dogs run around with seaweed.

Ah, well if the book is better than the series I’m definitely interested. I’ll put it on my “to read” list. The Martian is about a group of astronauts sent to Mars, and the main character is thought to be dead and the crew leaves without him. He’s stranded and has to figure out a way to survive and contact Earth. Ridley Scott is directing the movie version, which I’m sure I’ll see, but I want to read it first. So far Heart is a Lonely Hunter isn’t holding my interest. It isn’t a bad novel by any means, but I think my mood and need for distraction right now, coupled with it’s slower pacing is causing issues, haha. I’ll still plow through though, it’s a lovely novel regardless.

1676

@confusedbutok

I don’t think she wants me that way just yet. She has a bf.

1677

@Nell Its going to be hard to wait that long to say anything to him, but I guess better than never speaking to him again. If she freaks out for me wishing him a happy birthday it will definitely put her in a bad light with him. The only thing I am worried about is that I did tell him to not contact me again unless it is to apologize for letting her speak to me like that. As long as he is with her I don’t think he is going to apologize and I don’t want to be his doormat, but…I guess I shouldn’t have told him that.

You should get a dog. It would be good for you to get out with him/her and play in the water. You can meet new people too. Just crate train your dog heavily when it’s still a puppy so when you move, you can just put them in the crate in your car so they are safe. I am thinking I should do that too.

Hmmm The Martian sounds really good, I might have to give it a shot. I love scifi books. I hate reading books that don’t captivate my interest, there is only so much slowness I can take. I’m glad you can plow through and finish reading it though haha, good on you!

1678

Ok so I need little help. Realized I’ve been reaching out to my ex out of fear that if I’m not in contact she’ll have more time falling for someone else (not sure if she’s actually seeing anyone but she did tell me so, not connected via social network to confirm)

But yeah the lines of communicatio has been opened between us and as I’ve mentioned she’ll respond but stops if I try taking it further into a conversation. I think her stopping is what makes me want to keep trying every day or so.

1679

I broke no contact on the 21st. I was having a conversation with a friend and something just came over me, something told me to contact her. So I contacted her from work telling her I have to talk to her when I get home, and she said, “What for?”. I said, “you know what for…”. She said, sigh ok then, call me when you get home".

When I got home we spoke nearly for a good 2 hours. I was just trying to show her I’ve been doing for the last 2 weeks in therapy and in the rest of my life. She didn’t care that I was improving on myself, she just said, “good for you, I’m still not getting back with you”.

I told her she needs to tell me she doesn’t love me to my face. And immediately said, “I’m not going to do that I do not want feelings rushing back”. I said, “If you get the feeling that that’s going to happen then you still love me, you’re lying to yourself”. She said, “So what if I’m lying to myself, people do it all the time I will be fine”. I said, “you can’t suppress feelings, it doesn’t work that way”.

She just seemed so moody and angry at me. She said in the last 2 weeks the only emotion she can associate with me is pure anger. She doesn’t remember ONE good thing about our relationship, NOTHING. If you heard her you would think I locked her in a cage and beat her for 4 years.

I tired bring up a great memory of us, and she just started crying and saying, “Stop, stop, stop, don’t do this. I really appreciated that but that’s not fair”.

During the call I decided I don’t to get back with her if she really is this hurt, it’s not a good time for either one of us. The worst part is idk when she’s going to be healed. She told me, “Continue to work on yourself, if you feel like you’ve made enough improvement then contact me, but I’m not going to hang out with you right away”.

This whole thing is killing me on the inside, i’m now on day 2 of NC and i’m probably going to be doing it for a few months. I doubt she’ll be more calm in 30 days.

I’m just hurt and lost, we both are.

1680

@confusedbutok

What are your conversations with your ex like?