No Contact Annoymous - Share your struggles with keeping NC

Hi guys and girls

So I was having a rough day keeping NC and was needing a little encouragement. I have seen a thread on another forum where people share about their struggles in maintaining NC. Sadly that thread was constantly derailed by people telling you to move on, stop whining etc. I thought it would be great if we had a safe place to share about your struggle with keeping to the NC rule.

Please don’t come here to judge or condemn other people for doing/breaking No Contact. This is a thread for support and encouragement.

I will give credit to Superdave71 from Enotalone for the original idea as I have copy/paste/edited his ideas below

Here are the rules:

  1. When you share please put what NC day number you are on, so that other members can see how you are doing.

  2. No Contact is exactly that. This mean NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER…and I mean NONE. (Including texting, going to Facebook or other sites)

  3. Feel free to post whenever you want, whether you are having a good day or bad. No pressure to post every day. I would like a post on how you are feeling and what you are doing to pass the time. I am hoping by doing this, others will read and try to help themselves if they have a moment of weakness.

Remember

No Contact is for you - See Kevin’s guide on things you should be doing to improve your life.

  1. If you have contact with your ex BY YOUR DOING…YOU MUST POST WHY YOU DID IT AND HOW YOU FEEL RIGHT AFTER. No exceptions.

  2. Sign up for Kevin’s emails if you haven’t already and let them help you during this time

Good luck folks

So I will start off

My name is Steve and I’m doing NC
Day 26 of NC (Round 2)

Very tough day as I was reading the newspaper this morning and the café that we use to go too and had so many wonderful conversations at was mentioned. The barista is in a competition and had made the news. I really wanted to text you and see if you had noticed the article. There was a photo of the café and it hurt as that was the last place I saw you. The place where you broke up with me. We have so many fond memories there and one hurtful one. I miss those conversations we had.

Towards the end of the day I was getting down and I just wanted to call you and ask why? what went wrong? Don’t you miss what we had too? I felt my desperation building

I didn’t call or reach out, thank you Kevin, this website and the bottle of red wine for helping keep focus. I wont say I felt strong as I feel very weak at the moment, but I have got through it.

Tomorrow is a new day

Oh , this is a fantastic idea…well done! I’m on Day 4 but had already done 2 weeks before i found this site. I go through so many emotions each day, it’s a bit tiring but I think that’s what’s great about this process.

So, for example, at the moment I am going thru a cross phase… I wake up angry and upset, thinking about some incident or another. If I wasn’t on NC I would have phoned before now and left an angry message but the day before at approx 3.30 in the pm…I would have left a deeply sentimental weeping message ( drove past a restaurant we used to frequent) and the day before that…you know what i mean.

If I called and said everything I’m feeling/thinking, it would only take a couple of calls for me to look like a complete nutter and we all know how great that feels!

NC removes the option of communication, even tho it can be really frustrating but it leaves me free to experience any emotion I have to without worrying how he receives it. Feeling the emotion is bad enough without cringily remembering my messages when the mood has passed. I feel as if I have regained space and,more importantly, emotional privacy.

In some ways I’m free to be more extreme emotionally, to get really mad, sad, bad because I’m not constantly trying to find an acceptable way to express myself to him. I think extreme is the wrong word, perhaps I mean pure or intense but I definitely mean private.

Once, I went on a 10 day silent meditation retreat, (my friends laughed as silence isn’t known as one of my qualities). During a 4 hour session, sitting, cross legged, absolutely still and silent, I became overwhelmed with sadness about the loss of my Dad.

Normally I might start really sobbing, fling myself down on my bed, ring one of my friends/sisters and cry and talk but I could do none of those things…I couldn’t even make a sound. I sat absolutely sad and was sad, purely and intensely. Tears flowed down my face until pools of them collected in the hollows of my collarbone. I properly experienced grief for my Dad in a way I had spent years avoiding.

I felt then that sometimes, paradoxically, the weeping and wailing can be a way of avoiding the strength of our emotions, avoiding really experiencing them. When I am sad about my ex, a wave of panic accompanies the sadness, a fear so overwhelming it must be almost atavistic. I want to call him to avoid feeling this fear, to stave it off, to avoid abandonment at all costs.

Without the option to call, I have to just ride it and wait til it subsides… as it always does, life alone makes sure of that…a child wants a meal, someone calls, a job needs doing. ANd because I haven’t avoided the emotion, it’s not so overwhelming next time.

So that’s what I mean, NC is giving me time to feel things, the full range of 7 kinds of crazy. I am not sure if I want my ex back at the end of this…i don’t know where this process will lead me. But by the end of the 30 days, my emotions will belong to me again, straight and true, not twisted, alternately expressed or repressed to suit someone else. I’ll be able to make up my own mind cos I’ll have my own mind back!

So, it’s hard work but good for the soul, as hard work often is. So today’s emotion seems to be crossness, which is one step better then rage. But it’s my own crossness and he’s lost the right to share in anything of mine. This means I can be as unfair as I like…and I will be, for the next 10 mins and then I’ve got to get on, stuff to do, improvements to make.

I was single for a long time before I met my ex and I loved it, was very happy and fulfilled altho sometimes a little lonely for love, as is natural ( oops gone a bit Dolly Parton there… no bad thing… it’s all wrong but it’s all right!) I am getting back to that place, the firm ground of emotional independence and that’s where I want to be when I make my decision.

Good Luck Ladies and Gents.

Hi Steve,

It was a long time that I hadn’t heard anything from you and this was by chance. Only in 10 days is the anniversary of our first date and all the festivals we attended. Just like you, some part of me want to scream, “WHY?!”

I was thinking maybe we can start a new conversation with old friends like you, a.z., Edward, Daniel (is he still active?), Rihanna, Festival David, etc. to have an update.

My Vodka is over. Probably I should go to Liquor Barn tonight. It keeps me strong. Recently, I drink and watch movies (and don’t read all stories here) lately. I should say that most of my parts have accepted the fact that it’s over!

Steve, I still believe that you have a better chance. Maybe your round 2 should focus on 60th day.

Ms-Marple,

Your comment reminds me of my first days of NC! It was truly intense! One day I felt guilty; some parts of me was not sure if I was the best. Some parts of me felt angry; she had dumped someone who loved her endlessly. Some parts of me felt stupid; looking for a reconciliation with someone who mistreated me. Some parts of me felt lonely; no more ex, no more being together. Some parts of me felt relieved; we had really rough days lately. Some parts of me felt exhausted; I had worked really hard to make her happy with no reward, of course. some parts of me felt insecure; maybe there is another boy.

Now after 90+ days, I don’t feel much! I simply come to this site to see how are other guys doing. Maybe its just a kind of social media addiction. Maybe I am trying to pick up some points for my next relationship.

I even feel sorry for her for losing a nice guy.

Anyway, best of luck Ms-Marple!

I like this new thread. Thanks to the person who started it.

I’m lost and confused. I broke up with my ex about two months ago. After that we talked for about a month then decided we should give each other space. About to be one month of NC. I’ve been active in my personal life ever since. I’ve gone running,to the gym, rock climbing, played sports, hung out with friends. I’ve learned to live without my ex. I’ve excepted the fact that we are no longer together. I can go about my day now. But I can’t help the fact that I feel something missing.

I don’t need my ex. I can live without her. I know I can. But the memories we created haunt me…her face, smile, her laugh, the excited face she’d make when she’d see me. I know I can find this in someone else. Don’t want to look snobby but right now there are at least two girls that would love to be with me. They are wonderful girls that will be faithful. But they are not you. I still haven’t really givin up on us but I’m not attached either. Right now I don’t want a relationship with anyone else.
Sometimes my mind wonders off and thinks about you, what you’re doing, and with who…but sometimes it’s best to not think, not wonder, not obsess, not imagine and hope everything works out for the best.

When the time is right I will contact her. If she responds I’ll take it from there. If she doesn’t I will not try anymore. I will move on

IA, I don’t know why but reading your post reminded me the fact the she was obsessed with public display of affections. That was cool!

Thank you Dara

Happy to know I’m not alone. Other people like me going through this

HEY guys,
Its a really good idea and i missed talking to you guys.

Dara,
i have been thinking about you but i didn’t want to ask you anything so you could tell us what happened whenever you wanted.i really hope you are doing great.

And everyone who is new here,
I broke up with my ex 5 months ago and he never came back,i applied NC for 34 days.he contacted me.we kept contacting each other for a month and he was talking about his feelings and how much he loved me and…we met and he started crying and said that i’m the one for him and we should work on ourselves so we can get back together in the future .
I went to another country and we had an argument and i went on NC again for 20 days ,he contacted me , kevin suggested me to break NC and he kept talking about his feelings for me but he never asked me to get back,i got back here,he asked me out twice and every time i brought some excuses. i played lots of mind games and i never showed her how i felt for him and it made me sick and also pushed him away.

We had another argument like a month ago,he texted my best friend and told her that my bad behavior is the reason that we are not together and he said he doesn’t want to get back with me.

he called me the next day and explained evrything and again told me that he loves me but we can’t get back together because he can’t forget what i did and that i haven’t changed and getting back will cause more and more arguments and he can’t handle that. and IF someday everything will be ok,then we can get back together. ( it was more like we can never get back together LOL )

He texted me after 2 days and then we were in touch again until 11 days ago.
I said i’m sorry for whatever i did to him and he said he forgave me.i told him how exactly i feel for him and i said we should finish this cuz non of us can move on when we are still in each others lives.

He said he loves me and he can’t do that,he can’t forget me and he can’t handle finishing everything between us out of nowhere and asked me to give him a chance to meet me.

I have been working on myself to see him for the last time and i’m about to start NC forever :smiley: .
So wish me luck

Good Luck A.Z…

I think NC forever is prob. the way it will go for me too but not quite brave enough to believe it yet.

I don’t think this should be called get your ex back permanently…it should be called…how to get it into your head that they are leaving you, without embarrassing yourself too much, whilst simultaneously working on getting your groove back!.. not so catchy tho eh?

Iv’e read thru a lot of posts…are there actually any success stories?

I am struggling today… the brain is a terrible thing without information to feed it… obsessed with fact he has met someone else but no way of finding out…too old for all that FB malarky…can’t stand the way this makes me feel…can’t believe he misses me the way I miss him…or would have phoned surely?..

Are we all just deluding ourselves…believing something is true because we so desperately want it to be so?

i love getting the Kevin e-mails, they make a lot of sense and make me feel better but he isn’t God is he…how does he know?

Hey,
Don’t worry you will either get your ex back or you’ll be strong enough to let it go.it takes time but it happens.
why would you feel embarrassed if he is leaving you? you are trying to go through the hard situations to get him back and if doesn’t see that,so its his loss and he is the one who should feel embarrassed.so don’t worry about it.tbh i don’t know your story but you are posting updates here so i don’t think if you are at the end of the story like i am.
Don’t worry if he is seeing a new girl,be cool and don’t show any obsession over anything about him. hopefully you can change the situation later.

And if he doesn’t call you,it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t miss you necessarily .i personally went on so many dates during and after NC and there were times that i missed my ex like crazy but i never called him or anything.
Don’t worry i’m sure you’ll be fine.

And yes there are so many success stories. you can read about it here https://exbackpermanently.com/testimonials/

a.z.,

Sorry for the delay. Last night I told you that I will post here but I was a bit drunk. So I decided to write an update this morning.

I hope you are also doing well. I see you commenting on most of the posts! That’s great! I appreciate that! You make them feel good about themselves and I don’t see you upset anymore about yourself! That’s great!

In fact, there is nothing new. We exchanged some emails about 10-12 days ago. In the last email she had an angry tone and then did not reply my reply on it. Probably, she will be defending her thesis next week. I will contact her next weekend to take some of my worthless stuff. It’s funny but these worthless stuff include, condoms, a deodorant and some free subway coupons. If she accept, it will be my last chance to see her and say goodbye to her. If she was welcoming and there were changes in her plans in not moving to other states, I try my luck.

For now, I have concluded that she is really gone and maximum in 20 days, I will start a NC for ever!

Yeah, lately when I see a girl with positive signs, I talk to her. The biggest change is that when I date them, I don’t wish it was my ex anymore. Day before yesterday, I spent about 3 hours with a girl walking in a famous park on my invitation but last night she said that she already has a boyfriend! A week ago, I got number from another girl but later she went mad and said she broke up recently and is not ready for another relationship! It made me laugh! I was about to invite her to this site!

I think I am doing good! I will glad to hear updates from you! I was also thinking about you when I saw you posting comments! Thanks for being here!

Ms-Marple,

Not everyone who come on this site is 100% sure that they want their ex back! Even in the fiery days of breakup there are a small fraction logic which says that your ex is not the right person for your life. During this NC, this small fraction of logic becomes stronger and stronger while the overwhelming emotion becomes weaker and weaker. As a result, maybe after a couple of months of doing NC you come to the conclusion that break was the best happening of your relationship.

This happened to me on around 65th day. I saw her. This grumpy ordinary girl was a lot different from the “angel” image that I had of her in my head. Moreover, I realized that some of the girls that I flirt with to overcome the pain of breakup are really more attractive than her! WOWW!!

With what you posted, I believe you will regain mental peace soon!

Best of luck!

Its good to see that you are really ok and i wish you all the best with your ex and every other girl.
Hahaha yeah,you should have suggested her to join us.
keep up the good job and i’m sure you are doing the best.

And about me,i’m doing good.i do miss him sometimes but i have accepted the fact and i even think it would be better if we never get back together.but i can’t lie about that,i still love him.and i guess if its supposed to be over,i’m gonna need some more time without him to move on.

Hey everyone - Day 28 NC for me

Thanks for sharing on this thread. I like it already. Tomorrow will be an interesting day for myself. It will be exactly 3 months since the breakup. Today I feel good just tired after a late night out with some guys. Life lesson for you kids don’t have a boozy night on the town when you have to get up early for work the next day. I ready to crash right now

Dara, great to hear from you man and yeah we needed a thread where we just continue to share updates on what is happening in our lives. Both the good and the bad and hopefully this thread can be that. I have been on this website most days, just the past month or so I just felt I’m not in a place to give advice as my personal situation hasn’t turned out the way I expected or wanted. But I’m here reading and decided that one way I can help is be supportive to others going through the same s**t as us. Man its so good to hear you are in a great place and going out with girls and being happy that it is not your ex. That is such a great place to be. I went on a date a couple of weeks ago and it was so flat. It just made me miss my Ex more. However I am getting out a little more compared to the first month of breakup. Last night I went out with some friends to an Irish bar and had a good night.

A.Z. you are a champ with your advice. Thank you for all those encouraging words and taking the time to read and reply to everyone’s post. Kevin may have to look at employing you shortly :slight_smile: You also seem in a great place to think you would be better off if you don’t get back with your Ex

Ms Marple - Thanks for sharing and welcome to the website. Some of us like Dara, AZ and myself have been here for a couple of months and the community here is very supportive and encouraging. I remember those first early weeks straight after the breakup and my emotions were all over the place. I would start crying anytime. I struggled to sleep and I would zone out. I remember one day at work about week 3 of the break up. I was sitting at my desk and I zoned out and when I came back to it. The guy who sits opposite of me said “welcome back”. I had been staring at the same spot for nearly 20mins with a blank look in my eyes. Its was very freaky and that would happen a lot. its still tough, but things are getting better and I put a lot of that down to the community here which listens to me when I share stuff.

I.A - you have the right attitude. Good one you for being positive and keeping active with sports, rock climbing etc. That’s been my biggest struggle for the last couple of months is staying motivated fitness wise. I have certainly got out of a regular fitness routine. Its my goal for this week, to go for at least 3 runs in the next 7 days

keep it up everyone and sorry for the long thread

i take it ALL back…Kevin is God!

Steve,

I’m glad to hear from you! I have started believing that you have some Irish root! LOL Most of my ex’s best friends have Irish roots! The wedding she attended about 2-3 days ago was kinda Irish! Her best friend’s kitchen is all green!

Yeah, I know what you say about the dates! It makes you miss your ex more than ever and you wish it was your ex instead of her! This feeling will vanish/lessen when you date more often.

I also liked the “welcome back” your colleagues said to you! Frankly, it made me laugh imagining someone staring at a point for 20 minutes! I also swimming pool a good place to think what happened between us in the past! I may stop swimming and start thinking about, “WHY?”.

The fact is that I also get confused with my ex. At some point feel that she was diamond in the rough while when I think about her rudeness, I imagine her as a devil! I have learned to not think much about her! She is not there and she has dumped me! This is the fact! LOL

Steve, you not getting your ex back does not mean that you have nothing to share or you are not good enough to suggest! Anyway, thank you for the thread! I will be glad to hear more from you!

Ms-Marple,

Probably Kevin works in a counseling center or is a psychologist. I truly admire him on setting up this site so that we can post comments for each other!

a.z.,

You inspire me! Thank you!

Best of luck everyone!!

Do you guys think it’s wise to give your ex a small compliment on the written letter? Wrote about everything else the letter needed but I’d like to make it feel a little more personal by giving her a small compliment. I just mention something I always liked about her in her. Nothing with beauty or appearance though. Let me know your thoughts. Thanks

It’s a Personality characteristic