Hi Kali,
I think you are thinking too much about the past. What happened, what could have happenned etc and you keep blaming yourself for how your ex gf is now. You are too harsh to yourself.
She might have been affecdted a lot about how things went wrong but its her choice to be stuck at that and warm it & bring it in front of you.
Do you realise yourself that you keep delaying moving on with your life? You have done everything you could to fix things. If it would be ok, it would have been ok by now…2 years is just too long.
I am sorry if i sound a bit harsh but i truly wish you to be happy. I feel like you are just delaying your happiness with someone else …
My opnion is that you should give this girl a real chance … And leave your past in the past. But if you feel you will feel regret for not speaking to your ex for one last time, then do it. But whatever she says to you, take it as it is and move forward. I mean if her answer is positive, make it clear to the new girl and start building a relationship with ur ex. If her response is negative, then dont think about it & move away from her.
I think if you are going to have this conversation its crucial to make her understand that u need to know whay she wants. If she gives you an answer which can be interpreted as good or a bad sign, then u will be in dark again. She has to be clear and honest to you.
What do u think?
Don’t give up Kali, the time doesn’t matter when you know that you are doing it for the right person, the woman you are in love with. Imagine a situation where she is ill physically. Would you just leave her because she’s not able to have a normal life for a while? It’s the same with the heart pain, she is hurt deeply and mentality unable to have normal life. She needs support and since you were in some respect the reason for her “illness” you are the one who needs to be next to her now. Why I think so? If she didn’t want to do anything with you she’d move on by now. She hasn’t, opposite, she still lets you in her life. Not only, she initiates contact with you. She says it’s up to you what you do with your life. Of course she can’t tell you ‘Please Kali, stay with me, I am ill and need your help, please be my remedy!’
Of course in a relationship there is giving and taking however it can’t be measured in any way and expected to be equal. When you love someone genuinely you don’t think how much you give and how much you take. Even if you are giving only you can still be happy.
If you think that your happiness with someone else is possible and you actually can build it forgetting about your ex, it’s your choice. I remember your concern that she might have someone else and keeping you just in case. I do not think so Kali, with this anger inside her if she had someone else she would tell you to go away by now. Who is your backup now Kali? Whoever is, it’s not fair for that person.
We are naturally selfish creatures and think about our feelings first and only. Maybe there wouldn’t be so many broken hearts if we could think just the same way about the feelings of the others.
do what you want to Kali none of us know exactly what is going on me what went on. we are making suggestions based on what you told us. which is your point of view. we don’t know her. and we are also biased in our suggestions based on what we have been through. did you hurt her? yes but that doesn’t mean you should not be forgiven it has been almost 2 years. she knew you were still dealing with a divorce while she was talking to you. listen whenyou have to know the person is not in a good place when you talk to someone so soon after they leave a relationship especially a marriage. however she chose to stay with you and I can tell you GREATLY appreciate her for that and are doing everything in your power to show her you changed and are different. you have a daughter who loves her too but she isn’t ready or doesn’t want to be more wit you at this point and you have to think about what is good for you and your daughter. what should she learn about love how it works. I don’t think it’s right for someone to say love is one way. yes sometimes as I said there will be times that one person is giving more but not all the time and the person receiving will appreciate the other for giving so much. you say she is always upset at you and barely initiates contact… love is kind, generous, forgiving and more. just cause you hurt her does not mean she can hurt you for sooo long. my ex got in a relationship after we broke up and that hurt mii but now he is asking for another chance and I know that I really love him and o forgave him and I’m moving psst whatever they did in their relationship and building some thING new…hopefully… she didn’t have to ask you for help to heal you are doing it and honestly no one but her can heal herself. that’s why it’s good to forgive cause overall you’re not doing it for them but for yourself. I do think she may have feelings for you but you can’t spend the rest of your life waiting for that. you have to move forward after some time and when she is ready or in a good place then she will reach out properly and if you still want you guys can try then. we all have said after reading Kevin advice yoy kinda have to move forward before your ex sees you in a new light. right now you are kinda begging and clingy an needy and waiting and that’s not what attracts them back… and you should move forward for yourself and your daughter. and I am hoping it works out for the best with you guys… no one is saying you’ll definitely end up with the new girl but it’s a breath of fresh air. youre not constantly trying. date and do things for yourself. honestly I think you should be single for a year and just live for yourself and your daughter date and then when you are ready you can get bak in. but you have been in relationship and dealing with feelings have you had time to just worry about nothing that deals wit relationship. relationships are awesome and I love them but when it’s all just not wrkn out sometimes it’s good to take a step bak and not dive into anything serious. my advice is forgive yourself, heal and do whats right for you and your daughter and let things work themselves… don’t force anything… you’ve done alot and things happen… like elana said we should think of others feelings even when they didnt. that goes for your ex to doesn’t it. it’s all a cycle that someone has to decide to break. you moving forward is thinking about you, hers and alot of ppls feelings. it’s better for everyone and one day maybe you’ll both be in a better place to make it work or meet other ppl who will be suited better for you both… like Kevin said sometimes we may not b able to get them back. . and we have to be okay with that… I do hope cause I see you really love her that you get her bak. but for now maybe move forward and focus on your daughter and yourself
at elana, you can’t only give and that’s all. in a relationship or in real love. both parties give and take. one can only give for so long especially when it’s a relationship not even a marriage… his ex felt like she was giving so much and left right so if what you are saying is true then she would have stayed. we are humans… we need to be shown that we aren’t just giving giving giving without anything being given back. there’s only so long we can take… aND even if we can give and be happy its only fair that if you say you love the person to that you give also just to show your love for the other person and appreciation. it’s not that you give cause they are giving but ca use you also want to show your love and that’s why both parties give and take…
I can’t believe you guys have been spending so much time suggesting me and listening me.
Thanks a lot to Elana @ starlight @ jasminka @ Yes I have done a lot from last 1/6 months.
I agree with both Elana and Starlight.
I can feel that she is not happy and if I leave her for some time she comes right back to check on me.And if she was happy she won’t put depressing quotes on facebook.I can see that at time of break up she had got back pain,which she always told me that it was ( because of me ) and now also she blaims me for her depression & staying single life,not enjoying life or doing anything at all.She also hates her family where one of the reason she wanted to marry me before they come from out of country and settled here.
I have 2 options either to continue trying for some more time or give up and start fresh with new girl.
I will keep you guys posted about what I decide to do, right now I have mixed feelings and just been overwhelmed with all this beautiful responses from all of you.
ELANA has got the point right where starlight is also right that’s it been so long she should forgive me and herself.I do appreciate both of you and your responses.
it’s not about my point being right it’s about you living a happy life and getting married for real reason for love and happiness… it’s about you being happy. take time out and think about what you want like you just said. it’s your life and you know more about her than I do. and make a decision that will be good for you aND make you happy. it’s not fair to blame you for so much. it’s not fair or right what you did to her but you were hurting too and didn’t know better. it’s not fair what happened to you both but life’s not fair we just have to find that strength and hope that helps us forgive and move forward to achieve happiness believe mii I know. I was always angry and couldn’t forgive and it affected my relationship and that was one of the reason we broke up… now I’m learning to forgive and move forward. and I’m less angry and less argumentative and I see he notices it.
Thanks @ starlight,i appreciate your response.
Update
My ex g.f purchased a brand new car like 9/10 days back and she never informed me,of course I am not in her list,her sister told me on text.
Anyways as I am slowly giving up and I was pissed that she didn’t even tell me the good news of her car.
Yesterday(Sunday) as usual she called me after may be 11 days of course with her mood and timeline.
This time yesterday in 1/5 years I got the courage of not picking up her call,i ignored her 4 missed calls and didn’t return call back.
She does this manipulation all the time of calling or meeting anytime she wants too and I cant call her or text her,only I have to wait for her call to come,if I wanted to talk I have to email her.
Very tired of this behavior so now I took a stand of not working with her mood/schedule if she comes back its Ok if she doesn’t it was not meant to be.
Let me know your thoughts ?
I will not returned or pick up her call until and unless she wants to come back to relationship,no more BS…period it has to end its long long time of suffering and hurting myself !
Hi Kali,
It is normal to be frustrated and tired after so long time of chasing her.
About the car, you shouldn’t think this way, she probably didn’t want to brag about it. When her sister told you, did you text her with your congratulations to show her that you are happy about her achievement?
I read your post twice trying to find a common sense.
It is obvious that you are angry with her. Not answering her calls looks like playing a game. It is very likely that she will not want to be involved in this game.
You are talking about an ultimatum, in fact the same what I suggested you to do in a proper serious conversation. Now, did you tell her somehow that you are not interested in her unless she wants a relationship with you? Or do you hope that she will find out about that by not answering her calls?
Well,Elanna…She told me that she will get new car and remember she even asked me for ride,which I gave her,same day she started fighting with me for no reason.
But,i was surprised that she did got a brand new car and never informed me about it,i understand she don’t want to brag about it but atleast she should have informed me that she got the new car,i just have been just happy about it.
No I am not in mood of serious conversation,i think too mature to tell that what is going wrong here.
Here is what she does :-
Calls me 1 times in average 7/10 days.
Meet me 1 time in 2 months and than fight same day.
I have asked her numerous times to meet and go for coffee she has refused it from last 1/5 years.
I have asked her literraly begged and requested that ( can we do text) she says NO and never respond to my text if I do just in case.
I cant call her but she can call me anytime she is FREE and Available.
Long story short I am tired,By not picking up her calls I want her to know that I am now serious and there is no BS.There is no more time given and no friendship zone or back up.
Either you come back with plan to get married or not,I have no time left to prove myself,i am really old and all my friends have been settled with 2/3 kids.I plan to get settled and have good future,not kept waiting for more months/years,keeping I have really putten effort to show her that I love her and been done that from last 1/5 years.
Anytime,I met my ex g.f I told her that I want to settle now,lets get married or can we meet more often or atleast do texting please.
She knows I am single father and it is soo hard for me to do everything,plus I already have been thru hell with my ex wife for 4 years and now she is making my life hell.
Atleast when I told her that I cant marry or took her granted but I have legal lawsuits to handle and also atleast I was meeting her everyday,we had sex,watch movies,stayed together,lunch dinner,texts,phone calls,hugs and all.And I also gave her ring and introduced to my daughter and my parents long time back.
In my case she just made me feel that I am not capable and missed the opportunity when she was begging me and not it is too late to start or for her to get back to relationship.And it hurt so much that she didn’t communicated with me and always kept me hanging where in my case I always told her that I will do get married but after my lawsuits gets settled with my ex-wife.I also met her everyday every minute.
I am just tired Elanna and been doing this from last 1/5 years and my life is so hard already,i have no time left for games and waiting with no directions where I am heading.
She doesn’t have to prove me her love but her intentions that’s it and I have no hard feelings for her.I hope it works out but if not I am getting prepared for worst,which in case wont be tough as its been soo long of wait anyways with no firm answer from her.
You definitely are angry with her Kali and anger usually doesn’t bring anything positive. It doesn’t mean that you are not right.
Just think about how long time you have been patient. I understand that you feel old and want to settle. I am telling you from my own experience (after 2 marriages and 4 children) that being settled with the wrong person doesn’t make you happy.
Try to calm down and at least talk to her if she calls you. Or let her know somehow about your decision. That way you will not regret one day and you will know that you have tried everything.
I presume that you are lead also by the fact that there is another woman in your life now. If you think that you have feelings for her (not only feeling loved by her) maybe it’s time to move on. Just don’t keep anger in your heart and learn from your mistakes.
I understand Elanna but don’t you think she should think twice about my efforts,i have cried everyday for 1/5 years and waited for her email or phone call,I could not communicated with her anytime.I begged,apologized,sorry,flowers,run behind her car,cried like baby,took care of her family,made so many changes in myself.
Not sure what you want me to do,i can try picking up her call in future and use an excuse that I was in movie so I never got her calls,in case she tells me that she has called me.
Yes that’s true I am also diverting myself in other girl,she does loves me a lot and end of the day I have to be with someone who loves me not someone who treats me like shit and punish me for something which was not done intentionaly.
My ex g/f is very stubborn and I might have problem in future,i really don’t want to fuck up my life 2nd time now.I am very scared.
Please give me thoughts,and if you want I can go at valentine and talk seriously,but not sure its been soooo long ELANNA.
Also,my ex best friend (only one)she had fight with her…so that might be one of the reason my ex is atleast calling me once in week now,otherwise last 4/5 months she never did called me I was the one who emailed her and she replied in 1/2 words for it and called or not called me in months.
Just letting you know her behavior from last several months !
Kali, only you know if you still love your ex and how strong, If you are in love with her you would accept her for what she is stubborn or not. There is no relationship without problems, however if there is love the problems can be solved.
I am not here to tell you what to do. I can only give my opinion and encourage you whatever your decision is.
Again about my experience, both my marriages were with someone who loved me. I thought that it’s not so important if I was in love with the person. I was wrong. You again mentioned that the other girl loves you but you don’t say if you love her. Will you be happy with someone you just like?
Begging doesn’t work, no need to say that. Women like confident men and those they can rely on.
For you most important now is to calm down and be confident. You are not old believe me, no need to rush into anything if you are feeling confused or not sure what you want. At least this way you will avoid more mistakes.
You deserve to be happy!
Hi Kali
I haven’t been on here so much lately so I have just seen your updates. I am so pleased that you are starting to move on from this lady - you have tried everything and waited a long time. She is not being fair to you at all - and even if she said yes to a reconciliation - is this really the woman you want to be with for your life? (I know your answer would be yes, but think about that please!) She has played games really the last 18 months - OK she is struggling to come to terms with things - but so are most of us on this site and we don’t behave the way she has. Sorry if this sounds strong.
My suggestion is - have one grown up conversation with her - no games, just straight forward honest talking - and say that to her because you don’t want her to play games. I suggest DO NOT do this on valentines weekend - its inappropriate. If there is never going to be a reconciliation, if she says no - throw yourself into the relationship with the new girl and avoid any contact with the ex (its likely she will chase you for a bit, but its a game, like she has been doing the past X months - only participate in communication if its grown up conversation (ie reconciliation and marriage - nothing about why didn’t you go the gym years ago). I suggest having the conversation with the ex because I think you will wonder “what if” if you don’t - and that could mess with the new relationship. If the ex does not even want a conversation, well then there is your answer without even having to have the conversation.
I am pleased this is coming to a point where it will conclude - I have feared for your happiness Kali - I just don’t know how you have survived 18months of heartache and pain and false hope. It really is time for you to climb out of the situation you are in one way or another
Good luck Kali, thoughts are with you
Anth
Thanks Anth for your kind words.Yes I have lived for almost 18 months with torture and taking stress of it every day,every minute.My ex has played this game for so long now,I know this has to an end.I am and will not regret it anymore because I did tried my best and waited patiently for so many months,i don’t think I would have to prove my love anymore to her.I am exhausted,tired and gave up already.
Yes it is to consider that as everyone have suggested I will talk to her one last time and check if she can meet up for coffee or something and than move with my serious conversation,if she comes back to reconcile its Ok if she doesn’t I am already working and getting attached to this new girl which is long distance for now but she is willing to come and move with me to california.She loves me a lot and give me respect which I deserve.
And also if my ex doesn’t want to meet for serious conversation I will get an answer that she is not interested to take this relationship further or forgot past or may be she is optimistic about future with someone else coming or have in her life.
Thanks Dear Anth,appreciate it very much.
This new girl gave me hope again,it might take some time but I am ready for her.
Should I email her to meet up and discuss this ?
or just wait for her to call me and talk about setting up a time to meet if she agrees,of course with her available time and if she is willing to meet up ?
Just get it done - I would message the ex to suggest a meet up and chat about things (preferably not Valentines day). If she says no - you could suggest that its important a few things are spoken about once and for all. If she still says no - move on with the new girl and don’t look back, in my view. Really try not to let it drag on. I am so so pleased for you - I am dating someone new but for me it just makes things worse. I have given up on my ex, but it doesn’t mean I don’t think about him and wish I was with him. But I realise I have done everything myself too and there is nothing more I can do but try to rebuild my life without him and move on 
I don’t know, do you think we will ever completely move on Kali? Is it possible it will always be lurking there - the one that got away so to speak. Sometimes it feels like even with all this time it doesn’t go away. Sorry, don’t mean to bring you down! Your new love interest will help greatly!
Yup ! I agreed with you,it is soo tough.I am very scared to do final closure and not sure how I will handle it or she would come and meet me in person,i highly doubt she will come and see me or I might just have to talk when she comes on her own to see me.I am sure she cant handle final closure too.
But one thing is there,that it is very tough road ahead but there are good people also around,i never knew that after my divorce with my ex wife that I will fall in love again and find such a nice girl,same thing I am not sure what my future holds but we all need to keep going on this life journey.
Good luck my dear Anth I know how it feels to be find replacement for love or try to show that you are happy,but I know you sincerely tried at your end.