Need Help,Should i keep trying or move on,its been more than yr now.

reconciliation
1

Hi Folks :

I use to come here a lot after my break up,but I came in again today to get some help.
Long story short.
My g/f for 4 years,good relationship it was,but she insisted to get married for 2 years and I could not for some genuine reasons,ie my ex wife and other related issues.

Well last year she broke up and became distant ignorant and very rude with me,after I blocked her on my cell for 3 weeks.

I have done everything possible in world to have her back.But no she wont budge.

My question now is :- If I email her once in while she responds back,i talk to her family she is Ok with it.She meet or call me once in blue moon lets say may be 1 time in 2 months.

It is been going on from almost a year.Earlier I was door mat but now I am sort of different and made lot of changes in myself but I do still miss her and love her.

Why she is acting like this from last one year and why don’t she wanted to come back to relationship,even though I have made lot of changes in my personality and behaviour ?

One thing I want to add up that she just recently starter her facebook last month and all she has is depressing love posts and she likes all posts related to Love quotes.

For example : don’t trust too much don’t love too much,etc and that too much will hurt you so much.

Thanks to all in advance.

2

Is the main reason you two broke up because you couldn’t commit to her and get married? Even if you have an ex-wife, surely you could divorce her and ask your recent ex to marry you? As a woman that has faced a non committal boyfriend, I speak from experience. If the reason you broke up was lack of commitment, then I think only commitment will win her back - given a year has passed, I think you are beyond NC and games. If you truly want her back, you need to show her you are serious. A friend of mine was in a relationship with someone that has an ex-wife - they nearly broke up because he was dragging his feet on the divorce - she did no contact and he then quickly got on with the divorce - that was the only thing that was going to win her back. If it wasn’t the lack of commitment, then I think we need to understand more about what caused the split.

3

Have you tried mailing a hand written letter?

4

Hi Wondering :

This is what I did.

Break up : June 1st 14
After I blocked her on cell for 3 weeks after a huge fight.

Approx after 2.5 weeks I met her and said sorry.

June 17-Jan 13 (2015)
Did begging,crying,became door mat,said sorry,cards,choclates,talking to her sister,friends,sent food to her home,gave things to her sister,sent her 7 pages email,offered changing of my religion etc etc.

No Results produced

She was :- just cold,reply in one line email,rude,negative,talked about past,anger,and kept telling me to move on its too late now.

Jan 13 - Started NC.
Feb 20 she got in touch with email,i replied with one line.
March 3rd her friend got in touch and she came to meet me in person.

I was changed but not fully moved on,still had very strong feelings for her.

She met 4/6 times from March till last month but was again cold,dont want to come back and showed no interest in coming back or start again,even though I made a lot of changes in myself.

Now I started NC again on August 18th and there is no response or email or phone call or text from her at all and today is sept 27th.

Not sure what is in her mind but she is very stubborn and she begged me for 2 years to get married and have family,i took some of her things for granted and had lot on my table with my ex-wife.

But for 4 years my ex g/f gave her 100 % and mine was very less compared to her,even though it should be opposite as my situation from the 1st day I met her was worse.

I tried very hard as this is my 2nd time because my ex-wife got married after 6 months of our divorce.

So this time I TRIED TRIED TRIED but produce no results.

still in same boat,as it was june of last year.

not sure what to do,will do NC till her bday on Nov 21 and try the last time.

What you think ? I love her dearly and want her back at any cost.

5

Not sure if she is seeing someone but her facebook posts are very depressing,and after I started my 2nd nc last month I deactivated my facebook and whats app accounts,but I stalk her sometime with my fake ids.

6

Yes it was lack of commitment from my end where she was fully committed(100%) but I was not done with my ex wife,divorce,custody batter,civil matter and I had lot on my table.It took me 2 + years to handle everything with my ex wife and the time I was reaching my last settlement me and my ex g/f break up as I was stressed out because of all cases and money it was costing me.

I have shown her my 100 % commitment now which means I am waiting for her from last 1/5 yrs and I have joined gym,got new car which was her favorite,took anger classes,worked on every aspect which affected my life.

I have offered her that I would change my religion which if I do my family will boycott me,i am hindu she is muslim.

I did everything possible to get her trust back but no she wont budge and she was very loving all 4 years,i never imagined that she will change like this.

7

Hi Wondering :

I have not tried hand written letter but after 4/5 months of break up,i did sent her 6 pages email,where I wrote about all the memories we shared and where I was wrong and did apology etc etc.

Had no affects on her.

She replied to my email even though it was one line email from her,as we only communicated thru email after dec 2014 she strongly told me not to call or text her,if I do than she will block me permanently so I just respected her and only did emails once in may be month or so.

8

It sounds like you are still very much in love with her.

I know how it feels.
Been almost 3 months for me and I’m still in love too. She just made my world so much better.

Anyways, I say mail a letter. To her place.

If she responds great, if not then maybe you really should move on. It pains me to say that but after 3 months, I’m exhausted trying. I can only imagine how you feel after a year.

By now. She should definitely have erased any negative feelings associated with your break up, but unfortunately it sounds like she may have found another relationship in that time.

Best,
Wondering

9

Yes I dearly love her and I generally don’t give up so easy,but now I am exhausted after 1/5 years and pretty much giving up,I haven’t wrote her any email from approx. last 40 days or so nor she did any at all.

But everytime i emailed her,she replied back on one word or line email and met me 3/4 times in 5/6 months.Not sure if she replied as she was scared of me or didn’t want to upset me.

I didn’t know that if she has another relationship but now she seems to be in good shape and happy,she don’t miss me anymore.

Even though she has relationship, she is kinda girl who will keep it very confidential,so I have no way to find out on this.

Thanks wondering for your thoughts,life changes as do people.

10

Hi kalicooldude,
I wrote my comment above before your longer message as it took a while for my first comments to be moderated. So I see now that you are now divorced. I’m going to be honest because I want to help you - I think some of your earlier actions may have come across as needy. But you probably realise that now. I think offering to give up your religion and family when you are not actually in the relationship comes across as “I’d do anything for you” which feels a bit desperate (sorry). But that was mostly last year so that’s the good thing. And she did agree to meet up with you sometimes (I’m not sure if that was last year or this year - as you say its been only email since Dec 14 and things seem to have gone colder).
You’ve had NC now for 40 days. My view would be to go a bit longer - hopefully she will start to wonder if you have really moved on. BUT!!! I still think the only way you will win her back is by showing her you are ready commitment. Its why she left. It doesn’t sound like she left because you weren’t going to the gym or because of religion. She wanted marriage and children with you - but you weren’t looking serious about these things when you were together - and I am not sure if in all your efforts since the break up if you have offered marriage and children to her?
So my view - wait a bit more, try to calm down and enjoy life as much as you can so that you are as positive about your own life as you can be, then reach out to her, see if she will meet up. During that meet up - I would say to her that you are ready for marriage and children now. But not in a needy “I will do anything for you” way - just in a very honest and calm way. And you don’t even need to infer that you are ready for these things with her - just that you are ready, now the divorce is over, this is what you want and you are feeling really positive about finding it. It will prick her ears up believe me. Especially if you are in your 30s? she is probably not very happy that she spent so long asking for this and “wasted” valuable time - sorry its how women think. So to come back to you, she would need to see you are in this place - and its not just you saying things to win her back (that’s why I think saying it as a general statement of where you are at in your life is better than directly offering her marriage or children). Its my view as a woman. Though you know her and your situation of course better and you can only do what you feel comfortable with. I wish you well and that she sees sense :slight_smile:

11

One more thing - if she won’t meet up - then your last option is the letter. And, in that letter its important not to come across as needy, but I do think somehow it would be good to say that you are ready for marriage and children, now the divorce is long in the past. (But only if you are ready for these things with her of course!). Good luck

12

You’ve hurt your lady so much and for so long time that it seems impossible for her to forget and overcome the betrayal.
No contact won’t solve the problem. She needs assurance and help to believe in love again. She’s saying that in her Facebook posts.
What to do? Start fresh. No excuses, no explanations, no promises. Just be there for her for the simple things in life. You know what she likes, surprise her. Let her know (with a big smile) how HAPPY you are just for the fact that you know her as a person first of all, then as a friend and hopefully later as a girlfriend and who knows one day as a wife. Show interest in her daily life and get involved in solving any problems she might have. No drama, no past, no mentioning about your ex wife. She wanted you desperately. If she hasn’t moved on, everything is in your hands. I think that you men don’t realise how powerful you are.
You have hurt her, it’s up to you to make her HAPPY again, only if you want it of course.

13

Hi Anthurium & Elanna :
First I really want to thank you from bottom of my heart,that you spent so much time in writing about your thoughts,you both are really genuine people and I cant express my words.

  • Yes I have hurted her,when she begged me everyday to get married,but at same time with my ex divorce was not finalized and there was lot of issues pending,esp my dear daughter who was just 1 year old.

  • I took my g/f granted and also thought that she will not go anywhere,anytime we had fight she came back and did apology.

  • My problems/issues took way longer than expected and everytime I had new issue,which was not created by me but my ex wife who is very financially strong and stubborn,and rich husband.

After my g/f broke up I did showed very needy,desperation and lost all my self confidence and I begged,cried,said sorry,gave flowers,talked with her sister,mother and friends.

My life was shaken and I did all this because of my ex-wife who moved on got married in 6 months,also so this time it was just very painful as this was 2nd time and I got dreams of my g/f moving on and getting married.

So everyday I woke up and tried,tried,tried.

Now I am not doing anything till her bday on 21st Nov and will try to email her first and than try to meet her in person and take expensive gift(12bangles she always wanted to get)costs around $ 15K.

And this time YES I told her I am ready to get married and have kids,family with you.But she just still very cold and stubborn of not coming back.

Actualy I had lost the battle last year only but she did replying to my email or meet once in blue moon because I did put very serious efforts to have her back but I guess my needy,desperate approach was not the right one.

Now I don’t talk to anyone related to her till her bday.I am out from facebook & WhatsApp.

Her facebook also had missed signals one week she puts desperate love quotes and other she week she puts a nice picture with her g/f,she knows in her heart that I really love her but now she don’t trust me and same time I guess lost attraction as of my past needy desperate mistakes.

What you think ?

Thanks again,god bless you and hope you get your loved ones back.

14

Hi Elanna :

Yes this is true that she have lost the trust in love or loving me again.She don’t want me to interfare in her regular life,only way I communicated with her was thru emails from last dec 2014.She never text or phone me at all.

And what else can I do in emails,i sent her funny jokes and was fun person in email,checkked how she is doing and if she has any problems but no results and when she met me 3/4 times in person (last 6 months) we met more like strangers and she was very distant while meeting me and even didn’t want to hug me.

Yes, she was very serious and desperately wanted to get married and she use to talk about it every day and on every occasion that she wants to settle and have family but I had lot on my table and also I didn’t realise till the time I lost her,i had genuine reasons as my divorce with ex wife was taking way tooooo long…and I was emotionaly,finanicaly,mentaly very tired too.

SHE IS ALSO AWARE THAT I AM WORKING VERY HARD TO IMPROVE MYSELF AND BEEN WAITING PATIENTLY EVEN THOUGH I AM VERY IMPATIENT GUY.

Plan is to meet her bday on Nov 21st now,no communication till than.Last was aug 18th thru email.

Lets see and you are right my divorce,religion,my status,my daughter was not a problem for her at all.

15

I can talk only from my point of view since the women are not all the same.
If I loved a man who did hurt me somehow and then I decided that there is no point of being with him, I would ‘run’ and try to forget him. Here I need to explain that there is a huge difference to how I would do it in different situations. I say that because I have gone through this unfortunately several times and when I look back it has always been different.
In your case, I think there is still a chance and as I already wrote, it all depends on you.
I had a very similar relationship to yours however it wasn’t me who was insisting on a marriage, but my parents. I left the guy, I was very young and got tired of being told that if he doesn’t want to marry me so he doesn’t love me. When I broke up with him, he suddenly proposed but I said no, since it looked like he was forced to do it. When I said ‘no’ however I didn’t mean that I wouldn’t change my mind if he’d made ENOUGH effort to convince me. I also told him that I was going to marry a man who has been chasing me for years. My boyfriend didn’t do much to stop me. And I don’t regret that I broke up 3 years of relationship, because he really didn’t deserve my love.

What she feels now I think is very similar to what I did at the time. She is upset, she feels betrayed, she doesn’t believe in love, she needs to be convinced. As you said she doesn’t trust you, because like in my case, you changed your mind after she broke up with you. She is simply sad about it. If she tells you ‘yes’ then she would always feel like she has forced you.
That’s why I told you to start fresh. No mentioning about marriage. I don’t know how you would do it. I personally think that emails are not enough. She needs to see you face to face.
Also I don’t understand why people think that if they don’t contact their ex for months, their ex will wait for them forever? Maybe, but not me.
That’s why I think is important for men to show their feelings. I know that we live in modern century, but come on, it has been for more centuries the fact that the men are the hunters.

No, she has not lost attraction because you have shown needy. Don’t be afraid to talk to her. She seems now punishing you, but you see, you have deserved it.
Show her that you have not given up on her and don’t let her go, she needs to know exactly how much you are prepared to do for her. She needs to know how deeply you want her so she would be able to overcome the past and the shame that she was the one asking you for commitment.
You need to accept that you are being just punished, believe me, it’s not rejection, it is a revenge.

16

I don’t agree with elanna or anthurium. They keep suggesting that you make more of an effort but it seems you have changed a lot of things about you. It makes me wonder whether your ex appreciates any of the things that you have done so far. I can pretty much guarantee that your ex is going to react the same way to the handwritten letter as she has with everything else you tried. Honestly I think you should move on. I think you are wasting away your days making changes for a woman that has made it very clear in words and more importantly through actions that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. Think of your relationship with her as a catalyst for change…it made you into a better partner. And it looks like that was her purpose in your life. The woman that you are meant to be with would be able to move past the ways that you hurt her and would love you unconditionally. She is out there waiting to meet you. But you need to free your heart from the chains and shackles of your past in order to meet her.

17

Poor you, you are now getting slightly different advice from us! I would say though - seriously try not to come across as needy. I wouldn’t even buy her the expensive bangles - its too much in my view. I think if you have said you are serious about marriage and children, then you have said your piece. It is important she understands you are serious about that, as I agree with Elanna - I have been there with a man that won’t commit to those things and ultimately as a woman you give up feeling very hurt and betrayed. I do think you need to act a little cool though at the same time - you need to see yourself as high value - so then she sees you as high value. It doesn’t feel like you are ready to give up, so maybe set out one last plan and say to yourself, if this doesn’t work then so be it. And that plan could include some NC till her birthday, followed by a casual reconnection. If this one last period of trying doesn’t work, then yes, it may be time to move on. Take on board everything you have learnt and be optimistic that it will be good for the next relationship. But if you want one last shot at NC followed by reconnection, then I don’t see harm in it. The good thing about NC, is you don’t have to agonise about anything - what to say or do, you just get on with life :slight_smile: So I hope you can enjoy that and when November comes, then some agonising begins again - but for the last time, whatever the outcome. Fingers crossed, have strength my friend

18

And, don’t forget, you are high value, so when it comes to reconnecting, be cool :slight_smile: Use NC to build your life back up - then you will ooze with confidence. And if nothing happens with her, then anyway you will be in a great place to move on very quickly. Its a no lose tactic.

19

Hi Anthurium/Sunshine/Elanna :

Thanks for all the comments you have done and I appreciate it very much,i have read them couple of times aleady.

So, far I agree with Elanna on this & I truly believe what she said is accurate on this 2 comments below :-

Comment # 1 from Elanna :-
She is upset, she feels betrayed, she doesn’t believe in love, she needs to be convinced. As you said she doesn’t trust you, because like in my case, you changed your mind after she broke up with you. She is simply sad about it. If she tells you ‘yes’ then she would always feel like she has forced you.

Comment # 2 from Elanna :-
No, she has not lost attraction because you have shown needy. Don’t be afraid to talk to her. She seems now punishing you, but you see, you have deserved it.
Show her that you have not given up on her and don’t let her go, she needs to know exactly how much you are prepared to do for her. She needs to know how deeply you want her so she would be able to overcome the past and the shame that she was the one asking you for commitment.
You need to accept that you are being just punished, believe me, it’s not rejection, it is a revenge.

My views & thoughts.

What I think more is that she has lost interest in love,she was the one who was committed for 4 years with giving her 100 % and I realized this after she broke up.All the time I have showed myself needy,have grown my beard,cried and begged…she got pissed and didn’t like it and mentioned (oh why are you all this,you never did for all 4 yrs when we were in relationship)

She told me numerous times that her mind is not supporting her heart and she doesn’t want me to keep waiting,so I should move on and be happy.

From last 1/5 years she have treated me like a piece of shit but I took it as I loved her & I appreciate her efforts she did for me and my daughter for 4 years.

One of the reason I want her so back desperately was my for my daughter as she was very well attached with my daughter,because at a time of divorce my daughter was only 1 and now 6,it is also very unfortunate that it happened when my last case was settled with my ex-wife.

Very frankly everyone in my circle have told me to move on as its been very long and she have treated me so bad during this time,but I have always kept a hope that one day she will realise that my love was not on words I had proved it as well.

Same time she knows that I might be not good at personnel level,but I am great person from heart and very successful professionaly & just my income is more than 5 working people in family even tho it doesn’t matter here.But,i do appreciate what she stood by with me when my ex wife made my life hell.

I am keeping my mouth and emotions shut till nov 21st and will not do anything,i feel enough has been done & enough punishment has been given to me which I deserve(no doubt) but also end of the day I am also human being & all I am doing is love so there should be not hate,if there was it should finish.

Sunshine @ she has appreciated my changes but yes she did see changes I made and noticed them even though she hasn’t expressed them.Now she feels that it is too late as in her mind she has already moved on,it is also I agree with you that I should move on and all my friends,family tells me same thing,and I surely will once I find the right one(and I am looking trust me)as it also very painful to wait and with no hope.

Thanks guys again @ anthurium @ sunshine @ elanna,love you all.I welcome your thoughts.

20

I am also very confused as likes replies or posts,of trying some more time or I should give up and move on.

I know soon this pain will either get relieved or will stay for some more time.

I also feel that she is in pain too,as she really loved me from her heart and begged me for very long to get married and settled in life.

Bob Marley said :- If she’s amazing,she wont be easy.If she’s easy,she wont be amazing,If she’s worth it,you wont give up,If you give up,you’re not worthy…Truth is everybody is going to hurt you,You just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.