Need Help,Should i keep trying or move on,its been more than yr now.

reconciliation
41

Hi My both dear Elana & Anth :

Thanks for responses,yes there is some positive signs of her calling and coming to my house and even I went her house also.

But I want to tell you that this kind of acts is been going on from long long time.
Yes I have been very patient but this girl is very stubborn and tough,but I cant get her out of mind,simple.

She comes gives me hope and then go on silence,i mean cmmon I have been like this for so long now and been waiting.

If she is punishing me I don’t deserve soo long of punishment which is 1/6 months now.I didn’t marry her because I also had my situation with my ex wife and I was in court all this years.

I have no clue how to move forward if I tell her I want to marry or want to go out she wont respond and I cant call or text her,just email her and wait for response which she doesn’t do or if does calls it is on her terms and timeline.

Very frustrated and sometimes seriously think that I am wasting time and I need to be out of this mess !

I am just taking as the day it comes !

Thanks again to both,hope you have merry Christmas & new year.

Anth : - If it is your fault than you don’t give up,if it was from his side than you should still try a little bit more if you are really in love and feel you have a future with him.

42

Thanks Kali - in my relationship there was fault on both sides - him initially and then me. I find it too painful to keep hoping now when I get nothing back. He only contacts me on our admin that we need to sort out. If he comes to me and asks to talk or even just to spend time with me, yes I would. But I am living my life for me, not waiting any more nor hoping nor even trying to build a friendship. There is only so much you can take. For you, its hard to know where your ex’s head is at - she seems to initiate contact with you now which I had thought was a small step forward after the long no contact. If you can bear it, it seems worth trying to gradually increase the contact and time spent with each other. My slight concern for you is that it has been a long time and you have tried quite a lot - lots of NC, lots of small gestures - and you are divorced now which removes what was a major stumbling block in your relationship. So I am not sure why she isn’t coming around a bit more. It may be as Elana says - she needs to be really convinced. But its so long :frowning:

43

YES,it is a million dollar Question that I have worked very hard during this 1/5 years on myself and proving that I have changed myself and will work on her terms and tried everything it can be NC,or small gestures,gifts and so forth so on.But it has produced none results I still stand at same position as I was last year,hoping that she will come back and everytime,she comes I get hope that now it will be better and she will come into relationship but NOPE she won’t.

Anyways,Anth just take it easy on yourself and its ok to get hurt in life but it is not a good idea to not try or put efforts because if you put sincere efforts and it doesn’t work that will not regret in future.
So, I will suggest take a deep breath,take it easy and move slowly towards your target,worst case scenario it will not work out and I said earlier it also depends how much you have loved him or he to you during your relationship.

I try it very hard because my ex really loved me during the phase,when I was going thru really hard times with my ex wife and she stood by all times and waiting all this years to get married.

For me she was more like a angel but I am not sure what happen to her now and why she is acting so weird…:((

Thanks Anth & Elana…wish you the most in this coming new year 2016

44

Hi Kali
Happy New Year to you! I have thought a little about your situation. I think it has been going on so long, perhaps it is time that it goes one way or the other for good. Perhaps it is worth having a phone conversation saying that you can’t do this any more (seeing her) because you still have feelings for her. So you either would like to make some progress towards a relationship again or cut contact for good. We just don’t know how this would go - but I think for your own life, it needs to move one way or the other. I feel for you caught up in the hope and rejection cycle for 18 months now. If she is punishing you then its gone on too long and she is being cruel (I struggle with believing this scenario, as she loved you). If she is testing how committed you are, then surely you have proven this by now and talking with her would take it on to the next level. If she just isn’t sure, then it is time she decides and talking with her may help that. If she does not want to reconcile but quite likes occasionally seeing you then you will keep getting hurt and never reconcile anyway. In any of these scenarios, you are better of saying to her that it needs to move one way or the other. You need to be prepared to cut the contact for good. But if you talk with her and she says she has not interest in reconciling, then cutting contact is the best thing to do - and it is better to find this out now than another 6 or 12 months of hurt.
You have tried everything - apologies and promise of commitment, followed by months of NC, casual reconciliation.
Its just my view of course and only you know how the situation is and whether there is any increase in affection / warmth from her.
I wish you much happiness for 2016

45

hey, I really think you should talk with her about exactly where you guys stand like anth said. cause it comes off to mii as I read what you write that she is using you. you are doing ALOT for her and she only tosses you a small bone -so to speak once in a,while- and ignores all your kind loving words. I know you said before she loved for both of you but how long will she make you pay for something that was not in your full control … if she needs time she should j let you know. . she doesn’t want to lose you but seems like she doesn’t want to b with you right now which can always change but you should discuss if somewhere down the line she sees a future. like are you guys friends or more or working on friendship to later be more and then you should equally put down the same effort maybe you reduce the amount of stuff you do and get for her and she increases her so you can bother have a middle ground… cause it seems like she is having her Cake and eating it

46

Hi Starlight : I am not sure what is in her mind,cant figure it out,All she talks about it negativity and " the time is over now,she was behind me and now it is too late" for example if I tell her I am going gym her response is why you didn’t go when we were in relationship,i tell her I respect you,oh why you didn’t do when we were in relationship,she just doesn’t want to come out of past experience with me which I know was not that great but it was not that bad either that she keeps talking about it.

I send her email she will call me after 3/4 days,or convienent time to her.She talks normal stuff but if you talk about relationship she gets pissed off or if I talk about meeting up she says no she doesn’t want to meet up,now IT IS TOO LATE.

Very weird behavior and full of negativity and past.Yes at my end I have and been trying from last 1/6 year and all I have seen is downside never went upside,but yes she kept in touch if I stopped communicating.

I am thinking to try last on valentine and after that I will GIVE UP on her.Very tired,frustrated & exhausted thinking about her and my future with her.

47

Hi Kali,
I keep reading your posts and thinking about your situation. I don’t want to look like I try to defend or excuse her attitude. I am on your side (in a much worse situation than yours) but I am also a woman. That’s why probably and also because I have been “in her shoes”, I’d like to tell you a few things.
First of all, it is a BIG plus that she is still in contact with you at all.
Second, what she says is important, however MORE important is how YOU interpret her words and MOST important are YOUR ANSWERS to her. Yes, she still lives in the past and you need to help her to get out of there. When she says this or that, the things which hurt you, this is simply her cry for help. She provokes you to show her what is different about you then and now. She wants from you a confession (probably millions times) to admit that you have been wrong in the past, but also that you are determined to change that forever. It can be endless as you can guess. That’s why it is important for you to have a proper conversation with her, without teasing her or blaming her for anything. Be firm about what you say. Make her understand that you are a human and as such you have made mistakes but the most important is that you have learned from your mistakes a big time. Tell her that you have changed for good and because of her now you know what real love is. THANK her again for being next to you in the past. Tell her that what you would like more than anything now is the same woman next to you again. Make sure to emphasise that because of her you have grown up and what you would like is a healthy relationship WITH HER because you not only value her as a person, but you are in love with her. Tell her that you understand why she blames you but punishing you forever does not lead to anything but more pain for BOTH of YOU. Ask her if she would agree to try and not mention the past anymore. Tell her that you are prepared and want to wait and help her to heal her wounds but without more blaming you. Tell her that you know that it might take a long time but you will be there for her. Hopefully it will make her understand that you require the same respect as you are giving to her.
If you can’t talk to her face to face, as some people express themselves better in writing, email her your thoughts, and give her time. Maybe it is good to step back however it might be interpreted from her as giving up if you do not explain properly your intentions.
I do not say that I am right in my writing, I just try to help a person who seems to me genuinely in love, and love deserve the “fight” even if it takes a lot. I wished someone was giving me the same courage, and thank you for getting back to me before, because my writing to you actually gives me a lot of hope to myself as well.
All the best wishes to you and her!!! And everyone who reads this…

48

Hi Kali, I hope my previous message didn’t sound too negative. I actually think there is some hope for you - because she is in contact with you and, from what you say in your last message here, she still sounds hurt from the relationship (that is better than being indifferent). I just think you need to chat though to find out where you are both at. Enough is enough with tormenting you with “why didn’t you do this in the relationship” - the important thing is that you are doing these things now (and have been consistently the past year - proving they are not a whim). Sending you positive thoughts :slight_smile:

49

Hey, as Elanna said you should talk to her but I think an email or letter is better because you can wrote down everything you want without them being there to interject and say something that would make you forget what you were going to say or start am argument. I don’t think anyone of here is being negative but trying to not sugar coat anything or feed BS to you. we all want everyone to be honest and brutal in a loving and understanding way but still realistic and I think we’ve been doing that. I always think there’s hope regardless of the situation anything can happen. now wit that being said, it seems the roles have changed but this could become a cycle if someone doesn’t end it. Because when she decides to come back to you, you’ll feel like you did so much and maybe start treating her not as good unintentionally ofcourse. so I think for now you have done alot and she is definitely in the mindset of having fun being single and finding herself. I’ve been in this place and I’ve seen friends in this mindset and there’s only a handful of ppl who can get talked out of this mindset… so you can try that and hopefully it works and she realize she can lose you. if not she has to see you fully living your life and enjoying yourself without her. so she thinks you have moved on and that will hopefully get back her full attention. so talk to her if it doesn’t work go full NC and live your life. whether you talk to her or email her let her know you are sorry for how you treated her aND you understand her point of view and would have loved to make it up to her bUT yoy understand that it’s late and are truly sorry and wish you had another chance but will understand if she chose not to give you one. but you wanted her to know how sorry you are… something like that and go NC if she says it is too late and try to move forward and hopefully after a couple of wks to 1 month something good wil happen… it’s really stuff and I’m sorry you are going to this. I don’t know her so I’m looking at this objectively and I just want you to make sure she isn’t using you now. not saying she is a user but exs in the mindset tend to use us for a little bit doesn’t make them bad it’s just that single mindset is very selfish. I’ve been there, my ex was just there and so have my friends… you may have been in that mindset too lol but I’m saying protect yourself and your heart first and foremost.

50

The only problem with an email though, is the main objective here is to ask her what may or may not happen - where she stands. I think Kali has said everything imaginable that he wants to say over the last 18 months and also done a lot of NC, so its about understanding really where she is at. Kali, I hope you are doing ok.

51

ooooh okay sorry I misunderstood. so then it has to be a face to face convo asking her what it is she wants and then moving forward from there based on her response but yea I feel like kali has done so much and it’s time for her to decide

52

Thanks a lot to both Elana an Starlight & Anth
Yes I have done a lot in last 18 months,lot of NC,asking for forgiveness million times,taking care of her family,bringing fod for her family,bday celebration gifts,etc etc.
The only thing I have not done is to show her that I have moved on or have intentions to move in future,she knows that I am waiting and will wait for long time as she can see from my face or talks.
I was very strong man but after my divorce,where my ex wife got re-married in 6 months,i have lost my self confidence and my daughter who is very much attached to my ex g/f is my weakness.

But,soon I will be taking FIRM decision on it.My ex g.f was behind me and begged me for 2 years to get married or work hard on this relationship,i took it very easy and not did anything till break up by her.

Now I think I have to go same route very soon so she takes this very seriously.She still lives in past and also during this break up I have done lot of crying,begging,sorry so there is not much self respect in her eyes.

But this break up has taught me real meaning of love and how women changes or breaks your life.

I will be fine.So guys don’t worry I have seen worst so this phase will go away too.

and startlight @ I have been trying to do all you said but overall my words goes away when I see her or talk on phone,i get very attentive, when she calls to what to say or what not,so that thoughts shuts down my mind.

So only way she wants me to communicate I thru email not on phone or whats app.She also have lot of plus points compared to me so I am not sure if she is looking at open market for guys and keeping me on just back up option.

We had a fight in May 2014 where I blocked her on my cell for 2 weeks and after that she became totally different person with no emotions,bluntness and no respect,all she tells her sister and friend is that ( I have given her very hard time for 2 years and she was in pain everday we were in relationship)

Thanks both.

53

Oh very thanks to my dear ELANA,you are angel and best advisor in this forum.
Please be in touch always
my email is :- [email protected]

If you come to SF,Cali anytime be my guest please !

54

Thanks Elanna for kind words,yes I am following your plan and advise,my ex calls me once in while and than talks to me,she is still very pissed and get angry on me for no reason,anything I say to her brings her to anger and she talks to me with no respect.(Like I should mind my own business,or why I am repeating things again and again,oh i should worry about her blah blah )

I don’t mention past but I don’t get much words to talk as my mind shuts down about what should I say to her.

I am slowly giving up as its been close to 2 years in may this year,but not sure how to handle this,she is been very negative,angry and blaims me for everything which I accept it,changed a lot but she wont let it go at all.

I have found a girl who really like and love me,and willing to do anything for me,so I am now re-thinking about my wait times and other things.

Not sure if I should plan something for valentine.

btw my ex called me once in week or twice now,also if I go to her home she is ok to meet but not outside,i just gave her ride yesterday as her car broke down.She is very unhappy from her family as well,so the troll comes out to me on that too.

55

Hey ! Just came back here to return my appreciation to this site and give my support…how have u been? :slight_smile:
To be honest i am so excited for you that you have met someone else !!! Thats great !
Knowing your story, i can tell you that you should definetly give this girl a chance !!! A really chance ! And yes you should definetly plan something for her (new girl, not your ex). I really think you slowly depart from your ex girlfriend. You have waited for her for two years and didnt work out no matter what the reason is…
Move forward in your life…
If you are really interested with this new girl, i think you should be fair to her and re consider when & where & how often you meet with your ex. I wouldnt do anything that i wouldnt like if the guy i am dating did it. Put yourself in her shoes (the new girl) and question if you would be ok with it if the guy you are dating occasionally sees his ex, visita her in her place…etc.
I think its time for you to move out from the same spot you were in for 2 years…

56

I think you should take some time to yourself. . and then go for it with the new girl. don’t repeat history by dragging the new girl while trying to wrap up things with your ex. then you’ll be put in the same situation and ending again maybe.so pick one either your ex or new girl and go for it with all your heart. I think the new girl clearly like you said loves you and your ex isn’t forgiving you or ready for anything with you than to pretty much use you. you do soooooo much for her. so you can move forward with a clear mind and conscience that you did all you could. and really try and focus your whole heart on the new girl. and you kno inform her about a couple of things that you are dealing with so she isn’t blind sided and it’s her decision whether she wants to keep talkin with you.

57

Hi Kali,

Thank you again for your nice words, very kind of you.

I really understand your frustration since I got the same anger from my ex (it hurts).
I don’t know what to say because it is only you who knows how you feel about your situation. I would only dare to mention that if you really have decided to give up your ex, do it at once and forever. I’m saying that because you have written that you are slowly giving up.

And again, I read your post, you are saying that you LIKE the new girl but she LOVES you and she would do anything for you. The question is what YOU would do for the new girl? Are you ready to forget your ex or you are going to repeat the same mistake?
In case you are entering another relationship and you are still in love with your ex, it might bring you more complications. Please do it only if you are sure 100% with yourself that you are not going back to your ex in case she gives you a chance.
If you really have feelings for the new girl (and you do not use her only for your healing) stop any contact with your ex. I know people who have reconciled after years breaking someone else’s heart. If you keep in touch with your ex it will mean that you are still hoping and it might hurt your new girlfriend even if she doesn’t tell you or show you in any way.

I don’t know how it would sound to you but if you are slowly giving up, isn’t it a good idea to let your ex know about it first? How to do that?
If it was me, I’d try to invite her for a drink/meal (or anywhere else) for a serious conversation and tell her that you have been trying for so long time to prove your love to her, but you understand that it is not reciprocated and you have the impression that she doesn’t want to give a fresh start to your relationship. Then pause… and listen to what she would say, don’t rush, don’t press her! Give her plenty of time to react to your words. I know that it would sound like an ultimatum but I do not see other option for you. If she keeps contacting you (doesn’t matter with anger or not), it means that she intentionally or not is still giving you a hope. Ask her is it right or wrong? Is there a hope or not? If there is someone who knows that it’s HER. If she does not give you a straightforward answer, tell her that you do not wish to give up your LOVE, but you WISH to know if she still have any feelings to you because her attitude is confusing you. Be nice however be strong and proud because as you know begging does not help. If she cannot give you an answer or does not want to talk, ask her if she needs time to do that and how long. Say that it’s been almost two years, and life is too short. Tell her that you don’t want to waste her time if she does not appreciate your attempts. Tell her that you want happiness for everyone and for her and for yourself. Ask her to give you an answer so either she makes the effort to forget the past, either definitely to move on. Tell her that your love to her is strong however you do not want to bother her if she cannot see any future for both of you.

I can only admire your patience trying to get your ex back, but if she does not appreciate it for so long time, maybe she does not deserve it. YOU know the best.

Good luck Kali, you are cool :slight_smile:

58

while I agree with most of war Elanna said I don’t think you should tell her. if you do move on then let her see and come to you. you’ve been the one chasing and begging for too long. if you told her and she is using you, she could give you false hope. and then you choose her but she never comes through with the promises. . I think if you decide you cut off contact and if you she text you either ignore it, or respond if it’s important but treat her like civil, or whenever she texts you just inform her that you are taking some time to yourself and would appreciate if she respected it and not teach out so you can move forward and that’s it. don’t meet up if you don’t have to. that’s tempting yourself and hoping that she will change your mind when you meet up because she sees your face

59

Ok.

Thanks to all I read all of your responses.I agree with all of you.(Esp Elana)

I don’t think my ex is using me,she is just been very upset that when she was begging me to get married for 2 years,I took her granted and she just wasted 5 years of her life(3 years relationship + 2 years now(breakup) My ex just don’t want to forgot the past and anytime she talks to me,she remembers every bit of it and gives me back whatever I did to her with interest.

New girl is fine,i am slowly getting connected to her.She just loves me like crazy and also appreciate how as single father I manage everything on my own and been working very hard.

I just wanted to work out really bad with my ex g.f more than ever because it is also waste of time for me first with my ex WIFE for approx. 4 years and now with my ex G/F for 5 years and I feel I am not capable of handling relationship.Also, my daughter was very well connected with my ex g/f because she was 1 year old when I met my ex g/f and now my daughter is 6 years old.

But I have to be strong and I am thinking to have serious talk on valentine that’s it.

Also,Anytime I have asked my ex g.f that I should wait and her overall response is like upto you if you want to wait go ahead.

Not sure if I should seriously talk or just stop expecting anything will happen and not hope and keep talking to this new girl.

She is stubborn type and will not make or do anything if I say so.

Thanks all it is just soo hard to decide…:((

60

I just want to clarify that saying your ex is using you doesn’t make her a bad person. I am not bad mouthing your ex but sometimes our mindset puts us in position that in some of our relationships we are mainly taking and not giving especially after she was giving for so long she might feel it’s her turn to take. but it didn’t make you right taking before and it’s not right for her to now be taking now. relationships take 2 ppl… it’s about both giving and receiving except when there’s a mature convo that states that one cannot do one of the two. You wanted an objective view from what you post it seems like she now wants to be the one taking and being chased after but your relationship can’t move forward if she isn’t willing to forgive. a relationship cannot work if only one person is putting in the effort… it will just become a cycle till someone decides to break it. 2 yeas of you guys breaking up I thought that was 2 years of you chasing her. so she loved you for 3 years and is upset that you took it for granted because of the situation you had going on… give her time to forgive you then and if you have and she still hasn’t then you should think of moving forward and forgiving yourself and finding happiness and hopefully she will forgive you and come bak or you’ll meet someone that the timing and everything else is right and works out. it’s sad that you both are in this situation and it unfair but beating yourselves up about won’t help either… I wish you both the best and happiness!