Absolutely. I am trying. He occupies my mind almost every minute of everyday. I need to work on distracting myself! But there’s really nothing I can do at all in this situation. Time will tell if he will come back or not and that’s that. My only two options are to try my best to move on or to sit around and wait while he dates other girls. I need to try my best to just move forward and not think or plan the future because I have no idea! If he comes back it should be a surprise. Logically I know all of this but my emotions haven’t caught up. Thanks for listening and im always glad to listen to you too! I just feel sad and want him to come back soon 
Yeah, I know how you feel, cuz I’m there too…it sucks feeling one way, knowing the other side doesn’t feel that as strongly as you; I mean, after NC I felt so good about myself, and thought we really got it going for us, but she keeps flipping, acting one way then the other, it just makes me wonder if it’s worth it.
I truly believe it is, and also want to believe it is, but truth be told, it’s becoming exhausting…
Well, we talked today (email), she said she needs some NC to get a grip on herself, what she wants etc…
I wrote her I understand, and that, as we agreed, I’ll contact her on the 23rd, and we’ll be able to go, whether our separate ways or together once again, and be whole with the decision.
She called me about a minute afterwards, we talked about how impossible it is to be with and without each other, and had a great chat. By the end of it we decided that if I still feel the way I feel on the 23rd, I’ll call her at midnight (we’re romantic like that or whatever, i dunno :P), and if I don’t, she’ll understand and we could finally move on.
Of course, her slip, i.e. contacting me the minute after I mail her about NC, made me slip and I wrote her that since I’m heading out soon, is it possible to meet up for one final hug before NC. She hasn’t responded yet, not sure if she’d seen it or not, but I think it’s for the best.
I’d really love to hear your thoughts about this
I’m going to be brutally honest here…and i think this is an overall terrible idea. but i really can’t blame you because i feel like if i were you i would be hanging onto every opportunity i got with my ex so I’m actually thankful he’s been stronger than that. the bottom line is, she doesnt want to be with you right now. she will not reach that decision by some random set date that is only 2 weeks from now. my honest opinion? if she goes back to you now it will be because it is easy, comfortable, convenient, and she is lonely. i know she did love you and there is definitely a chance of her to love you again in the future, but i believe she has to come back for the RIGHT reasons. i think she will really only see if she’s going back to you from loneliness or love if she spends significant time away, dates others, etc. i recognize that i would definitely not be mature enough to say this to my ex, so I’m actually thankful he’s been strong. i begged for him back 2.5 months after and he told me he missed me so much, was still in love with me, but KNEW if he came back now it would be out of routine, fear of the unknown, etc. he told me he is forcing himself to go through with this whole break up because after all this time he needs to know if he returns to me out of LOVE and not out of routine. as painful as this is for me (and trust me, i think I’m in a mild depression), i am really thankful he is going through with this because he knows himself well enough. if he reaches out to me and comes back to me, I’m now confident that it will be because he dated other girls, lived his life without me and preferred his life with me. i shouldn’t and can’t expect him to reach this decision in 4 months. as painful as waiting is to see what happens, it would be silly if we got back together now only to break up again in the future.
also, i don’t feel you will be ok on the 23 if she doesnt want a relationship. even if you think you will be. I’ve been there. my ex and i agreed to talk the first week in december and i counted down the days all of november. he followed through with the meet up only to tell me he wasn’t ready. to say i was crushed would be an under statement. if she says no on the 23, you will set another deadline in your head. I’m really guilty of the same and i can only credit stay separate from my ex being strong. i know this is hard for him too but he hasn’t wavered with me and that shows me if he does come back, it will be for real and not because he’s scared of being alone but because he was happier with me.
easier said than done, but you NEED to let this girl go. its ok to have slip ups here and there but i think your situation will only end in heart break if you get back with this girl now. its too soon. she doesnt know what she wants. stay in nc and let her come to you. trust me, i got back with my ex almost two years ago through the same thing youre doing now and he left again. i feel sorry for you because your ex is being so confusing. even though my ex keeps the door open he’s been very honest in that he doesnt want to be with me right NOW and it will most likely take him many more months or years to sort things out. sorry to be harsh, but my advice for you would be to really go in nc and not keep getting sucked in by her confusion. i know its soo much easier said than done but thats my advice
I hear you, and I know you’re right; thing is, when we mailed, she was surprisingly mature- saying she needs this time apart (exams and all), and that she still doesn’t want to get back, that she knows I want more but she’s not ready yet, that she could get back once she’s whole with herself and she’s not there yet. She said that right now, all this talking takes her back to square one and she keeps looking for cracks in everything I say, and that it’s not fair for either of us.
So when she says let’s see what happens on the 23rd, I know I’m setting myself up for possible disappointment; 5 months ago, she asked me to contact her after 2 weeks if I feel the same. Today I asked her how is this different from back then. She said that back then, not nearly enough time has passed and that now, after everything she’s been through with herself, she will be ready for an honest answer.
Whether I get a yes or a no doesn’t matter, I can’t be crushed anymore because I don’t want to be that pathetic wretch, and made serious progress to let me sadden me, but not crush me, whatever the outcome.
I believe that 2 weeks of NC, after we were on NC for almost a month, plus 6 months since the breakup, will let both of us know how we feel (even though, as you said, it’s not a really long time, we’ve always been intense) and set us on our path, together or apart…
There’s a great quote I heard by Jim Carrey of all people, that I try to follow- Let the universe know what you want, and work towards it, while letting go of how it comes to pass.
Think that about sums up my view of this, and pretty much sums this 2 weeks of Nc, or NC in general right?
i actually really agree with that quote and theres no way to just get an ex back. i think some people stay friends, some go nc, some in between, etc. some people reconcile after days, weeks, months, years, etc. i personally just don’t believe in picking a specific day for a yes or no answer. but the quote is right. thats why if i screw up nc here and there i don’t think it hurts my chances to reconcile, it just sets me back emotionally and thats why I’ve stopped contacting him because i seem to get hurt all over again and re open the wound. but I’m not in no contact to punish him or because i think it will help my chances. i truly think none of it makes any difference. the ex has to want to come back and decide this on their own and thats really the bottom line. i really hope this all works out for you!
Well, 1 day after our mutual NC she called me early morning.
Apparently while driving to the univesity, she had a little car accident (nothing serious, license plate fell off but that’s it) and so she called me so I’ll calm her down and to ask for directions for a mechanic (cuz my mechanic is aroundthere).
We had a good conversation, we talked about meeting later on that day to eat something (her idea), and she constantly thanked me for helping her and apologizing for the fuss. I told her there’s nothing to apologize; she needed help and I’m glad she turned to me, cuz if I can’t help her when she needs me, then there really isn’t any future or present for us.
We met that evening at like 10pm (studied all that while) and just sat in my car cuz she was kinda in a hurry to get home, long day and all. We cuddled and hugged, but she didn’t want me to kiss her, so I didn’t. I told her what you said, that February 23rd isn’t going to magically change her perspective or willingness to get back together, and that the only way for that to happen is for us to communicate, even in small doses, she agreed.
The fact she contacted me of all people when she needed someone made me realize she finally sees the better side of me, not the side she saw all these months.
We said we’ll talk tonight and since Valentine’s is fast approaching, though we both have a test the following day, I wanna ask her to meet this Friday (pre-Valentine’s), if not for Valentine’s, then for a nice break from studying.
I know she’s still confused and all, but I think she can work on those parts she said she didn’t like about herself, while letting get a bit closer.
I’d love your input on this; on our talk later on today, I’m not sure if I should bring up my plans for Friday or not, and after it, should I let her contact me?
Thanks a bunch!
the only advice i can offer is take things slow and follow your heart! theres not one right way to go about this. i would just make sure youre both initiating conversations equally. see how tonight goes and then take it from there. it sounds like she is starting to come around but just make sure you don’t read too much into all of it! i always try to prepare myself for the worst just in case but it seems like youre starting to go in the right direction. good luck!!
Well, last’s night conversation was rather short. We both studied til close to midnight and she was exhausted, so we said we’ll meet at the train to the university, which we did.
It was fun, we brought up little personal jokes we had back then, but when we headed to study at the same building, she asked me to go to the library cuz she was meeting her friend. Now, I like her friend, she’s great, but I also know that my ex talked to her a lot before the break up, and it took like 4 months until she (her friend) started being nice again to me. Point is, she obviously has to keep up appearances, cuz according to her, she wasn’t sure her friends would be super thrilled about us getting back together.
Now, I’ve been doing all I can to show her how I’ve changed, and she finally sees that, but the fact she’s too embarrassed to let her friends know we’re sort of trying something, not even a relationship, just a re-get-to-know-each-other, is a bit odd to me.
Not sure what to do here; I totally agree with you that I should take things slow, and the fact she wanted to meet at the train speaks volumes in her change of attitude towards me, but I don’t like how we meet/talk only when it fits her. Don’t know if I should go NC to let her miss me, because at this point, I know NC did its intended purpose for me, that is, make me a better, happier person, whose happiness does not depend on an outside source.
Because it doesn’t stand to reason that we talk or meet only when it’s convenient for her (exams aside), but on the other hand, I’m not sure distance is the right thing for us; at first I did, but now, for something, anything, to grow between us, I think distance might only foil our chances.
Sorry for the long post but I’m just not sure I read her signals right…
ah this is tricky. i will give my opinion.
first, i don’t think the fact that she didn’t tell her friends is a bad thing. reconciliations are very personal and i would imagine she would want to keep it to herself until she’s sure it would happen. last summer when my ex and i reconciled after 3 months apart, i didn’t tell a single person when we started seeing each other about once or twice a week. i didn’t know if things would work out. i only told them after we started seeing each other a lot and made things official and i was confident that we would end up back together. I’m not sure what you did at the end of the relationship or how you treated her but i can say for sure that if my ex and i start reconciling after this break up, i will not tell a single person for a long, long time. i talk about this break up 24/7 constantly to my friends, they’ve seen me go through stages of not eating, not sleeping, being completely overcome with sadness and they really resent my ex. they hate what he’s been telling me about “maybe, one day…” and i wouldn’t mention anything to them unless i knew it was going to work out. in fact, i would almost ask my ex to talk to them about what would change. so i don’t think thats a huge red flag because youre still in early stages. a couple weeks or months from now if youre actually closer to being back together and she still hasn’t mentioned it, then maybe that would be a problem but this is still so new.
one thing that really does bother me is that you talk or meet only when its convenient for her. I’m just a firm believer that reconciliations need to be completely mutual and both sides need to put in equal effort to make things work. I’m not saying you need to go back into nc, but don’t meet her every single time she’s free or talk every time its convenient for her. make yourself look busy as well. and if she isn’t being accommodating to your schedule then i would pull back. it needs to be both of you making things work with each others schedules. i would make sure she’s initiating as well. also i think its ok to voice your concerns to her. communication is sooo key here so i think taking the time to tell her youre feeling like its all on her terms would be important if it starts to become a bigger issue.
just my opinion! I’m not sure exactly how to read her signs but i just would be careful youre not putting a ton more effort is than she is - BOTH of you need to work at it!
I hear you. Thing is, the way I see it, she doesn’t initiate contact as much both because she studies nonstop with her friends (for real, not just a cheap excuse) and because she still doesn’t feel ready to put herself out there.
But I’m kinda frustrated of this halfway behavior and finding excuses for her…I know that if she didn’t wanna talk or meet, we wouldn’t, so it’s not all bad; it’s been almost 6 months since we broke up, and she’s finally coming around, but when we started dating it was intense that right now it feels like she’s pulling the brakes so we can’t make any real progress…
I know she’s still uncertain, but staying apart feels like the wrong way to achieve any kind of certainty
honestly, it just doesnt sound to me like she is really ready for this at all. i don’t think reconciliation will work unless she’s 100% sure she wants to work for it. when my ex and i reconciled it was very much “lets see where things go…” and of course we fell back into our old routines eventually and it worked out for a year. this time, i will not go back with him unless he says i want to be back together and what can i do to make that happen. its great that she’s starting to come around but she’s not ready yet and you wont move forward until she is. i would be in no initiated contact. if she reaches out to you, i would respond, but i wouldn’t reach out to her at all during this time. she needs to figure out her own feelings
But is being on the waiting end not worse? I wanna talk to her today about meeting on Friday; if she refuses, I’ll just say what I think- that she’s very dear to me and all my thoughts about us, but that she has to figure out if she wants us and that this is not some backup plan. I don’t want to lose her again, and I think we are making progress, but I can’t be the one who makes all the effort to meet…
That said, I don’t want to do anything hasty and ruin our prospects.
Guess I’m just asking for another view of things…I’m not obsessed about her or us anymore, but it feels like we could be much more than we currently are…
I never think an ultimatum is a good idea. I think it’s pretty clear from what you’ve said about the situation that she isn’t ready yet. Maybe she will be in a few weeks or a few months or maybe never. Truthfully no one knows. I think pushing her to keep talking about it will either push her further away or scare her into coming back before she’s ready and then it will end again. If I were you I would maybe tell her the mixed signals are confusing you and you’re not sure what she wants but until she figures out whether or not she wants this relationship or not she shouldn’t contact you. Tell her to let you know if she feels ready at a point. Even though you may not be obsessed, you are very far from indifferent. I think you should stay in Nc until she’s ready because all of this confusion and over analyzing will make it so much harder to keep moving on with your own life. I recognize how much easier said than done this is but I do think it’s the best way for you to proceed right now.
Time for an update!
Last week was kinda hectic for both of us in terms of exams, so not a lot of contact. She kept being warm and then cold again, it was getting annoying. We talked on Wednesday and one thing led to another, we met up and had sex. I said I’m scared this is a mistake, she said so is she but for once she’s just gonna act first, think later.
It was awesome, but the following day, her best friend’s brother died and it really shook her up. The reason I’m telling you this is because when we met, she told her parents she was visiting that friend, so the lie, coupled with that tragedy, made her feel terrible.
I told her I’m there for her, if only to listen to her, and tried my best to make her a little less sad. Didn’t work, but at least she knew I was there, and for me, that’s enough.
Then she blocked me on WhatsApp again, saying she’s playing games because she’s confused. We talked on the phone, chilled things a bit and went to bed.
Today, we both had a test; I was pretty riled up over the past few days of her calling, then lashing out for no reason, then saying she loves me, then blocking etc… so after the test, we met and talked; she told me she needs to go through a process with herself for herself, that she considers seeing a psychologist; I told her I’m proud of her for trying to become her best self, and I am. She told me she has to go through this by herself and I told her I respect that.
Finally, I told her she has my number and that I’m proud of her and hope to hear from her sooner rather than later, and that by then, both of us will still want this; because, as I told her tens of times and told her again today - even though not getting back together will not be the end of the world, if our story ends with “And then they broke up, tried to get back, failed, tried again, failed, then went their separate ways and never got back, The End”, well, that’s a shitty ending that I don’t want. She said she doesn’t want that either.
So, I’m officially back on NC, gonna keep improving, try and have a good time, and maybe this is what we both need to move on, or get back. Only time will tell.
Well, that’s my story, hope it didn’t bore you too much; would love to hear from you, and also, hear what you have been up to as well!
thanks for the update! for the record, i think this is for the best for you. your ex is clearly still so confused about what she wants and i think the only way for her to figure it out is to be in complete nc with you for a while. its not fair for her to keep playing games or confusing you.
keep nc, be happy, and try your best to move on! she will let you know if she feels ready to pursue a relationship again. i agree about not wanting to walk away until you know you’ve tried everything, but i think from your end you have and now the ball is in her court. i hope nc gets easier for you and i hope she is able to make a decision soon!
nothing has changed with me. I’ve been in two weeks nc and am starting to feel better and happier. if my ex comes back, i want it to be on his own, so i am keeping nc indefinitely and not being involves in his life unless he reaches out and tells me he knows I’m who he wants a future with. nc really does get easier in time and i think we both need some time and space to decide what we really want and get over past resentment. the best we can both do is try to move on and just hope that everything will work out the way it is supposed to over time!
Couldn’t agree with you more!
I think, once you realize that NC is necessary for you, regardless the outcome, it becomes easier. And yes, if we keep on trying to be the ones to initiate, then we really are getting back to square one.
So yeah, I know this is really day 1 on my new NC, but I don’t view it as NC, but more like a time for me and her to figure out things for ourselves, and see where we can go from there. Because right now she really isn’t ready for a relationship, much like you said, and getting back would be sort of not the real thing, and who wants that?
So I’m proud of us (me and her and you and me) for giving ourselves a chance to figure out what’s good for us and I’m curious as to how things will unravel…kinda exciting isn’t it?
i agree with you. i don’t view nc as a rule. if i texted or called my ex right now he would absolutely talk to me about whatever i wanted to discuss, but it wont help my healing and wont help him figure out what he wants right now. i think we are both taking the time to date other people and evaluate our relationship and since he was the one to end things, i think its his responsibility to break nc when he feels he wants to discuss everything. the ball is in his court entirely and i feel ok about that. it is kind of exciting i guess! definitely scary but we really can’t plan or control what will happen so the best we can do is work on ourselves and try to move on in the mean time!
Well, got some news, not sure good or bad, but I think they’re kinda good.
We talked last week quite a bit, and this Sunday decided to get ourselves some time off til the 19th, or when she feels like contacting me, whichever comes sooner.
The reason I’m feeling good about this NC is her reason for NC; a while ago I thought I needed it to move on and to let her miss me a bit, as I wasn’t even sure if she loved me anymore. This time, she asked for some off time because she has a lot on her mind right now, family etc., and she thinks that if she gets into a relationship (even with someone else), she’ll allow herself to fall into that comfort zone instead of facing the challenges herself.
She says she’s got to work on herself to become more self-assured, confident, and to be herself, instead of being whatever she needs to so that people will like her.
Now, obviously this is more than a month’s work, but I’m gonna let her be, help her improve herself and work on myself, and in a month, maybe she’ll be in a place she can handle a relationship; at least now it’s not waiting for her to figure out if she loves me or not. She does, but she needs to be whole before being with someone.
So I guess I got reasons to be positive, I think this process she’s going through is good for her, regardless of whether or not we’ll get back. All the seeds for a future relationship have been sown- we’re still both attracted to one another, we still enjoy each other’s company, she has some trust in me again; now it’s just a matter of letting her grow if there’s a chance for us getting back.
I think all in all, things are moving to a good direction. What do you think?
On a side note, and as always, how are things on your end? Anything to report? 
Joe D,
in my honest opinion, i think she is stringing you along. she keeps asking for more nc to get herself together then she contacts you and confuses yo. she keeps extending it and it’s just not allowing you to move on at all. you keep setting these random, arbitrary times to talk and it seems kind of silly to me. what will be different on the 19? i know deadlines make nc easier, but to me it seems too forced to set a date.
my ex told me he loves me every time we spoke since the break up. it doesnt mean he wants to be with me. I’m sorry to be harsh but i feel like this girl is kind of just stringing you along while she decides whats best for her moving forward. i think you need to take some power back in this situation and take control of your own happiness. its good to give her space and time to grow, but you shouldn’t assign a deadline of when to talk, etc. what you should do is say you want to give her the chance to grow and you love her but you can’t put your life on hold either and you hope she will let you know when she feels at a place in her life that she’s ready for a relationship.
of course this is all your choice and whatever youre comfortable with but it just doesnt seem like things have been progressing with all these deadlines.
as for me, no updates! i haven’t spoken to my ex in 3.5 weeks but i honestly feel happy. I’m totally fine being single and have been spending a lot of time with friends, focusing on school, planning things to make myself happy. i don’t plan to reach out to him at all. if he comes back i want it to be all on his own with no push from me because he decides I’m what he wants moving forward. if not the strict nc is definitely helping me heal. I’ve been focusing way less on him and way more on me!