Mixed Signals and more NC- Help!

reconciliation
1

Hi everyone,

Well, after she reached out to me, met me, told me she missed us, even went as far as ask us to form this Safe Zone (exams are near…we could both use some stress-free environment) to meet, talk, just have a good time.

We had some chats since (we met on Thursday), and on Sunday, after she seemed to have had the ego boost she needed, she tried to apologize for contacting me, saying it was a mistake etc… I told her it wasn’t a mistake and that I see where it’s going.

I told her- “I thought trying to have something, even something small like a Safe Zone, might be this little thing from which something new can grow. I guess you’re not there yet, or maybe it’s just not the right time. Good luck on your exams”.
I called her a couple of mins later, since I assume she got scared of losing me, and we decided she’d take some time to think about it all.

Yesterday, we talked again; she once more said it was a mistake, that she’s still upset with the way things were when we broke up (5 months ago) and that she doesn’t want to come back to something, only to see it fall apart. I told her that if she believes that she has changed, she has to believe that others can. I told her that I don’t think either of us NEEDS the other, but I know we both want us again, to have a chance at something new, but maybe exams period isn’t the right time for it.

We agreed to do some NC til February 23rd (most of the exams are over by then), and see where we stand when we get there. I made a point of telling her that maybe we won’t even want to be back, but it’s worth waiting for it.

TODAY- I have a MAJOR exam tomorrow, so I mailed her, here’s that conversation-

ME- Hey, I know we decided to have time apart, but I have that horrible test I told u about tomorrow, and if we could talk later on in the evening, that’d make all the difference to me.

SHE- I’m busy at the evening, but you can talk with your friends (boys and girls) :slight_smile: maybe it’ll help you move on, like you already started.

ME- You are aware that the goal of this time apart is for us to understand what, if at all, we want from one another? moving on is one of the possible outcomes, but isn’t it clear to you that moving on isn’t the goal?

No response on her side, which is fine.

I could REALLY use some help here guys. I still believe she’s worth it, but she’s making it difficult believing that. She could’ve been the bigger person in her response by email, but instead she just enjoyed the ego boost and attention.

Please help me guys!

2

hi,
i think she really does not want to reconcile yet. she is nowhere near ready. i believe if you push her it will not end well. i would stay in nc until she reaches out to you. i know its hard and it sucks but i think every time you break it and she responds to you in that way or doesnt respond it will set back your healing tremendously. focus on YOU. keep the nc. if she feels ready, she’ll reach out. every time you break nc you are telling her you will be there for her and are waiting for. i don’t believe this will bring her back to you. you need to be strong, show her you ARE moving on, and then maybe shell second guess her choice. for now, just leave it be, stick to nc, and focus on YOU.

3

hey atea,

I DID keep NC, she contacted me…I asked her if she wants to meet on Thursday, she did, and we met that evening. that’s where she suggested the whole Safe Zone thing. The day after she contacted me again, asking if I wanted to meet up for a bit…

I’m not gonna contact her anymore, that much is obvious, but we did say the deadline is February 23rd…I don’t wanna wait to see who contacts who when that day comes, we never played games. For now, I’m gonna keep NC, I already feel like I’m in a much, MUCH, better place!

I don’t even want us to get back together yet, but I do want us to try and build something new, maybe it won’t grow into a romantic relationship, but at least I’d know I did my best. Do you think I should forget about that deadline and wait for her to contact me, or do the grown up thing, contact her then, and see where we stand? I might not even be in a place where I want us back…

4

@Joe D,
i really don’t believe in playing games either. when I’ve been in nc I’ve had really strong urges to reach out to my ex and tell him things about how i feel or whats happening in my life and I’m guilty of breaking nc many times. sometimes we need to follow our hearts. personally, i don’t believe in deadlines. what will change between now and february 23? when my ex broke up with me he told me it was so he could date other girls to confirm if I’m the one he wants to settle down with. i tried putting time frames around it as he told me he hoped he would be back to me one day but just isn’t read yet. first i said lets talk after 30 days, then another 60, etc. the truth is its 4 months post break up and he’s nowhere closer to wanting to reconcile than he was on day 1. i found setting dates and time limits like that only hindered my healing because i ended up just counting down and waiting for those dates and when i would reach out, i always got the same answer: “i love you, but I’m not ready yet. i need more time. i don’t know what the future holds. we shouldn’t go by time constraints, but instead by how we feel deep down”. this was incredibly frustrating to me at first because I’m someone who likes to plan things far in advance, but I’ve come to realize you can’t put a deadline on these things. he could wake up tomorrow and feel ready, or 6 months from now, or 6 years, or never. i have just asked that he lets me know if he starts to feel like he’s ready. the last time we discussed this was beginning of december. i am going to at some point reach out to ask what he’s thinking but not for another 3 or 4 months. i know what you’re saying about wanting to know you did your best and tried everything you could and I’m the same way. and yorue smart for recognizing you would need to start something new and try to build from there to see how it goes. thats what my ex and i agreed would have to happen if we got back together - we would need to start from square 1. i don’t think its necessarily the grown up thing to do to contact her on feb 23. i would contact her when you feel READY. it could be tomorrow, it could be 3 months from now. when you feel you’re at a point where you can handle rejection from her, where you don’t expect anything in return, and you feel healed and happy then you should reach out. if you feel that on feb 23, by all means, go ahead. but i think its very difficult to set this kind of deadline on your situation. I’m glad you’re starting to feel much better and i believe you’ll know in time when you feel ready to reach out again - try not to think about it so much in terms of concrete deadlines

5

atea, thanks you so much for your comment; hearing a different perspective, seeing a different relationship and the way it’s handled, really helps me put things into place.

Truth is, when she called me, I explained to her that I’m in a really good place in my life, that I’ve managed to focus on things that are important to me and that right now, I am my best self, all true.
I told her I’m finally happy thanks to me, with no need for happiness to come from an outside source, and I hope she is too, and that if we get back together, it’s to share that happiness, not to be dependant on it.
I also told her that even if we never got back together, it’s fine, it’d be sad obviously, but we’re both good enough people that the person we settle down with will be worth it, and not just a second-best, and that even if that person isn’t me, or her, that’s fine, and it is!

I told her I’m at a stage in my life where I think giving us a second chance at something new- not trying to revive what was cuz we both changed since then- is the right step for me, and worth giving a shot. And I guess she tried to give it a shot as well, but exams, or just the fact she felt like she hasn’t lost me yet (for either ego reasons or that she really cares), or just not sure yet, made her quit this attempt before it even began, and it’s fine.

I’ll give her, and me, time to figure if this is something we really want, if there’s a real chance here, or simply memories and missing what we had. I’m not sure she misses OUR relationship, or just A relationship. Maybe this time apart will clear things out for us.

Last question though, should I be the one to initiate conact, if I see any point to it, or let her reach out to me?

Thanks for your help

6

yes, i really believe a successful reconciliation is impossible unless you both are fully committed and it doesnt seem like she’s there yet. she probably knows with history and love there hanging out just as friends has a high chance of developing into something more and i don’t think she’s ready for that right now.
a lot of people on these boards will advise you not to break nc unless she reaches out to you, wanting to work on things. personally, i disagree. i think a lot of times dumpers are hesitant to make contact because they also fear rejection and probably feel guilty for hurting us. personally, i don’t believe you’re near ready to contact her yet just because you texted her to ask her to talk to you the night before an exam to make you feel better. its ok you did that - its a learning process and we all slip up occasionally but it just shows me you haven’t really fully accepted things are over yet. i haven’t accepted that either which is why I’m not ready to see my ex or discuss the relationship again yet. i think its ok for you to be the one to break nc but personally if i were you i would definitely wait a significant amount of time. don’t have a set date when you want to break it. see how you feel in a few months. don’t beat yourself up if you slip up but don’t pressure her or talk about the relationship yet. we all want to plan and predict the future but its impossible. just take your time with things and try to take things one day at a time. i know this is so much easier said than done but I’m slowly learning its the only way

7

I don’t intend on breaking NC until I feel it’s run its course; don’t get me wrong, I’m at a stage where I’m ok with the breakup, but, what with her suggesting this Safe Zone idea, I really thought reaching out, just for a nice chat to calm me down a bit, might be alright…
I thought that the fact she reached out really meant she was where I was- believing that we could have something new, believing that THIS is something that’s worth it- but I think she just felt a bit lonely (when we met, she said she went on 3 dates with 3 dudes, none of them worked, and she asked me what’s wrong with her, why can’t she find someone), and, having received attention and a confirmation that I still haven’t given up on a future us, gave her and ego boost…

It’s sad to look at her reaching out as a pure need for attention or ego boost, and I’m sure she missed me as well as what we had, but her behavior following the contact kinda bummed me out- it didn’t crush me, I’m not at that place anymore, but I really thought she wanted to give this a shot, rather than just have the knowledge that I still care.

So no, I’m not gonna break NC for AT LEAST a month, and when I’m through with it, who knows? Maybe I’ll realize she’s not worth it, maybe I won’t, I don’t know, but I guess that’s the fun part right? Discovering what you really want with yourself, by yourself.

If it’s not too much to ask, I’d like your opinion of all this rambling of mine…

Also, well, you’ve really helped me figure a lot of things about myself in this emotional storm, atea, and if I can help in any way, give an advice or anything, well, I’m here, just like you are :slight_smile:

8

i don’t think she definitely just reached out for an ego boost. i think its a bit natural that after going on 3 dates that she didn’t have the connection she had with you, that she would think about how things are with you and wonder if she made a mistake giving up your relationship. i think you are spot on with saying she probably feels a bit lonely and in her head she is probably deciding whether or not its you she misses or the relationship. i think thats hard for a lot of people to figure out and so she probably felt very confused trying to decide that. i think she is probably still trying to decide this. i definitely do think she still cares about you but she isn’t sure if she wants to pursue the relationship so i think she is nervous if you start hanging out casually as friends it has a good chance of developing into more and i don’t think she’s ready for that right now. your plan to stick to nc for at least a month is a good one. it will give you both the time to truly evaluate what you want going forward. if after a month you still want to start over with her, reach out and see how she is feeling about things. if you’re not ready to reach out, continue more nc. remember, you’re on your own time now. i think you’re getting to a great place because even thought you may want her back, you don’t need her. so if you reach out again in time and don’t get the response you want, i think you will definitely be ok to keep moving forward.

i would love your opinion on my situation! although i don’t think its really in my control at all at this point. basically my ex broke up with me in september of this year. we had started dating when i was 15 and he was 16 and ended things 7 years later now that I’m 22 and he’s 23. over the last 7 years we had two brief “breaks”, each lasting around 2 months. both times he ended things and told me that while he loved me very much it scared him to think he would have no other experiences with girls in his life besides me. he would tell me he was a future with me but needed time to be single, date other girls, and explore. both of those times i cried, begged, pleaded. i stayed in contact with him and he came back to my both times. unfortunately in september of this year he really put his foot down and ended things for the same reasons. he said he’s 23 and needs to take the time to be single with his friends, have no responsibilities and commitments, and to date other girls. he told me its really important he dates and gets to know other girls because otherwise he can’t know if I’m “the one”. he’s told me repeatedly that this breakup is “necessary” and that either he will take some time away from me and date other girls and realize how much better everything is with me or we will both move on and be happy if it isn’t meant to be. he has said he wants to get back together down the line when he’s ready but he can never give me a time frame - sometimes he alludes to just needing a few months off, sometimes it sounds like years. he keeps telling me anything can happen - maybe hell date casually and then appreciate me more, maybe hell meet someone and get serious and realize it isn’t as good, or maybe he really meet someone else he’s happier with. he basically thinks he might see a future with me but wants time to date other girls and confirm that. for the first 2.5 months i begged, pleaded, all the mistakes. we hung out a few times but he wouldn’t budge. then finally i went 30 days nc. i spoke to him again and he basically said the same that if we get back together “with time” our relationship will be so much stronger but we need to give it significant time to see how we feel. I’ve been in and out of nc periods. he’s only reached out to me once - to discuss some silly celebrity gossip. all the other contact I’ve initiated. he does always answer my questions regarding the breakup and when i reach out just to catch up he’s always very friendly and acts very happy to hear from me. but we spoke this week and he basically told me he had been enjoying some “alone” time but now felt he should be dating and i was crushed all over again. im really trying my best to stick to nc. but i usually seem to break down every 2-3 weeks. its frustrating because he keeps telling me theres a good chance well be back together but tells me not to wait and can’t give me a timeframe. I’m really trying to go 3-4 solid months of nc right now. i just have no idea how long this will take him. is some months really enough time for him to “explore” and date others? but if he takes years isn’t it so unrealistic we would reconcile down the road? i genuinely have no idea what an appropriate amount of time is and he’s wanted no time constraints on anything because it will all depend how he feels and he can’t predict it. sorry this is so long! any thoughts on my situation or how you would handle it? in your opinion what do you think is an appropriate amount of time for him to take? its all very confusing!

9

To be honest, and as you yourself have said, I don’t think there’s an official reaching-out time, and confining yourself to a deadline, like I did time and again, really screws the whole healing and (if that’s what you want) moving on process, cuz ur always waiting for that time to pass only to be brought down when you’ve made so much self progress and he didn’t.

I’m not sure you and I are at the same position, and I hope we’re not, because I’ve has the feeling my ex enjoyed knowing I’m there waiting for her to make up her mind so what’s the rush? Don’t let your ex do the same thing, if he knows you’re there, if he knows there’s no risk of losing you, then you’re taken for granted, and that’s not a place you wanna be, I know I don’t, but it’s easier said than done.

If he needs to date other girls to know what you has is really it, let me, but don’t hang in there just in case he changes his mind. It’s like wanting to win the lottery- you want it, a lot, but you don’t think about it every day, you just live your life, occasionally fill in that lottery ticket, and hope you’ll win one day. That’s the metaphor I choose to work with- that’s also why I’m not clingy or obsessive anymore, because if a person wants you, he’ll let you know.

I think the occasional slip is, as you said, part of the process and that’s fine, and you shouldn’t beat yourself up for it, and don’t hang on to his every word, I did and it made me miserable.

But you HAVE to stick to NC, not for 3 months, start at like 30 days, extend it maybe to 45, then see how you feel about it. If he doesn’t get the sense that he might actually lose you, for real and forever, well, he just won’t make up his mind and he’ll keep you hanging in the air, and I say from experience, that’s a crappy place to be. So fight fire with fire- if he’s uncertain about you, disappear from his life entirely for a bit, if he doesn’t feel like he’s losing you, and that losing you is a terrible thing, well then, at least then you’d know that not only did you give it your best, but that there’s no partner on the other side. That’s the case for me- you can’t force contact and a relationship, and neither should you want to. Two people have to want that; he knows you want it, maybe if you’d disappear for a bit he’s realize that you’re not so sure anymore and the decide his move.

Regardless of what’ll happen, you’ll have that clear understanding if he’s really worth it, if he truly appreciates you and not just enjoyes the certainty that you’ll be there. If he doesn’t come back after that, well, you really did all you could, and his life is a little bit emptier for having lost his chance at having you share it with him.

Hope some of what I said was helpful, and I’m here if you feel like talking…I find talking about all this emotional stuff helps me a lot

10

thanks for your response and i think your advice is spot on! its advice I’ve heard before that he’s so comfortable because he knows how i feel and he knows I’m here waiting for him. in the beginning i kept telling him i was then i tried to be nasty and asked him never to text me again because i was cutting him out of my life. and most recently I’ve said I’m doing my best to move on and only time will tell if he’s ready before I’ve closed the door to our relationship. but i think the pure fact that I’ve never kept nc for more than 30 days shows him how much I’m still around. i think the only way for him to really fear he’s lost me is for him to really lose me! for me to be very cold if he reaches out to me and for me to just not text him - period. he will let me know if he feels ready to reconcile moving forward but i still think i am VERY for away from that if it even happens. I’m doing my best to get on with my life and keep nc up indefinitely but its incredibly hard after 7 years and even harder since i know there is a chance we will be back together in the future. but i really appreciate your advice and thank you for the response. i know no one can answer this but I’m just curious if you have an opinion on how long you think is an appropriate amount of time to figure this out? I’m not trying to limit him but it seems unrealistic for this to be years but I’m not sure if a couple months is really enough time for him…

11

Well, since my only experience at a real relationship was only 9 months, I’m not sure I can be very helpful…having said that, I think you should do between 30 to 45 days of NC, but I mean real NC, no contacting him on your behalf whatsoever. If he contacts you, well, you seem like a nice enough person, have a friendly conversation. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT be overly nice (I was when she called and look how she slapped me in the face) or bring up the whole getting-back-together thing.

The best thing you should do, I think, is to give yourself a real chance at letting him go. Now, that doesn’t mean you have to go out and date the first guy who smiles your way (I’ve been single for 5 months now and haven’t gone on a date yet, just don’t feel like I can contain someone new right now), but you’ve gotta give yourself, and him, a chance to figure out if you even want to get back.

Once you stop chasing him, he’ll either make up his mind and come running back (at which point you shouldn’t be over welcoming and all) or not; whatever he decides to do doesn’t matter, because you’re doing this for YOURSELF, and if he doesn’t come back, well, at least you know instead of just being in the in-between zone, which sucks (I’m there, not fun).

Having said all I said, I could use your opinion- Why would she contact me out of the blue, suggest we have this Safe Zone (which could’ve become, as she implied, sexual, which I didn’t want; I don’t want meaningless sex, just to blow off some steam), try and set up a meeting, then back up suddenly and ask for time the minute she understands I want to give us a second chance?

Hope I helped, and thank you for all your great insights :smiley:

12

i think it only just boils down to confusion on her part. i think she was probably having a weak moment of missing you and become curious. i think then she probably got nervous because she didn’t feel ready to give your relationship another shot yet. i don’t think this means she wont want to in the future but i think she truthfully has no idea herself. my guess is she saw you were still around and figured she should take her time.
its funny you and i are both giving each other the same advice, its just much easier to say it to someone else! youre completely right that once i make the choice to stop chasing him, start being cooler when he reaches out, he will realize that he is in fact losing me. either he’ll be fine with that and continue on but if he starts to get nervous, he’ll come back chasing me. i am trying to go nc indefinitely until he reaches out. i think anytime i reach out to him it validates I’m still here. obviously this is easier said than done for both of us! my birthday is exactly 3 months from today so I’m assuming he’ll reach out then so at least there is an end point in sight. we can both do this! thanks for all your help :slight_smile:

13

Oh I know we can!

It’s important you remember one very important thing- his coming back to chase you or not is not the goal of NC, and you know that. I know it’s hard to separate the part where you try and let go from the part that waits for him to contact, and I know that cuz I’m at that exact place!

I think NC should go on indefinitely only if there’s no point in reigniting that fire you two once had; and whether or not there’s a point is up to you. Obviously, whether or not he’s there to make that step with you is necessary, but YOU have to decide you want that, and if it happens or not is besides the point, as long as you’ve made your decision.

As for me, well, I try and keep her out of my thoughts, and I have some success on that part, which is important cuz I got bloody finals :stuck_out_tongue:
So I’m gonna let this month pass by, finish with my exams and see if I see a point in contacting her. And I’m alright with being rejected; you can always get what you want, but in the end, you gotta be certain you did all you could do, and to let go of how it comes to pass.

I, too, find talking about all of my thoughts and feelings out and hearing others’ opinion really helps, so keep me posted and I’ll do the same

14

Yes I absolutely agree. If at a time I feel ready to reach out and discuss i will but I don’t think that will be for a very long time. My birthday is exactly 90 days from today so hoping to make it there and have him reach out then and take it from there. If I feel I want to initiate a conversation about the relationship then I will. It’s Great you have finals! Can I ask where in the world you are? Im a graduate student and just started my semester so hopefully my work will be a good distraction goingn forward!

15

I’m from Israel, second year studying accounting and economics, and you?

So yeah, while I’d prefer being on vacation far away, finals are a good enough distraction from her; we tend to bump into one another while the semester is on, so now that we only show up for finals it gives as a way to clear our mind and maybe to figure out what it is we want from one another, and I know, whether or not we’ll get back together, that this NC is the right thing for me. Once the dust settles down, maybe then we could rebuild.

16

Im in the US and a masters student! but I’m glad you have a good distraction for right now. thats definitely important and very helpful during this time. and not bumping into her will help your healing greatly im sure. whenever i see my ex i feel like I’m back to square 1. I’m happy we live in a very crowded city not right nearby each other so run ins are rare! but yes i agree with you about the nc and for me as well - it will help me move on and adjust to life without him so i will be fine whether or not he comes back. and as a side benefit, it might make him really miss me and make a decision. thats exactly what my ex said to me, that we must wait for the “dust to settle”. it just makes me wonder if I’m moving on and feeling better during nc do you think that means he is too?

17

Sorry for the delay…it’s like an 8 hour time difference and I fell asleep.

I’ve been asking myself that very question, and I’ve realized it’s a risk I must take. Cuz there can’t be an in-between zone here, you can’t “sort of” be together, so if either of us (or either of you) moves on during NC, which is possible, it’s for the best. You can’t force love, and if she moves on, well, it’s her decision, and of course it’s sad, but it’s better than living with someone who’s there cuz it’s convenient. I think the same applies to you.

And I know it’s much easier said than done, believe me, I struggle a lot, but if our exes don’t miss us and wonder where we’ve gone and that what they had with us was wonderful and can be once more, we’ll continue to be taken for granted, just drag along, dancing to their tune, and that sucks. Of course I want to be with her, but she has to want to be with me, not because she misses me, but because she believes what we had was fantastic and what can be- now that we both made some positive changes in our lives (I know I did)- will be even better, and if she doesn’t, it’s her decision, and I have to respect that, regardless of how much it pains me.

18

of course its a risk we both must take. but its true - if someone doesnt miss me after months of nc and is perfectly fine not having me in his life, then I’m glad it ended now so i can meet someone who will appreciate me more! its so interesting I’ve been talking to so many people about this and turns out a lot of couples reunite after really long nc periods, but a lot say how devastated they were about the split but through nc they just moved on. i guess only time will tell which way it will work for us! and i agree, i only want my ex to be with me if he has in fact confirmed that I’m “the one”. I’m assuming if he has he will be so much more committed to the relationship and it will be much stronger overall. I’ve already been making a lot of positive changes in my life as well, so now its just a waiting game unfortunately to see how this will all unfold!

19

Yep, the waiting game sucks…I’ve been tried to win her back on-and-off for like 4 months before I realized that I need NC, not only for her to realize if she wants us back, but for me to realize if I’m chasing something that doesn’t exist.

I’m still confused because of her behavior this past week- all the mixed signals- and the fact she tried dating 3 guys means she did try to move on. It was weird; she told me about the guys and how they weren’t for her, and wondered what’s wrong with her…was she looking for a friendly advice? We ended up kissing that night so I guess it was more than just friendly lol…

I know NC will help, what with the tests and all, but I miss her; I know today that I’m my best self, and I worked hard to get there, and I really thought she contacted me for more than just curiosity or missing me…

But the way she responded to my email (check the first post of this thread) just baffled me- I mean, it’s fine that we need space and getting back into any sort of relationship during all the stress of exams clearly isn’t the best of ideas, but why the hell would she act all warm and attracted to me one day, then try and set a meeting the next day, only to tell me she’s made a mistake contacting me? I tried assuming more control, telling her we needed time and that I don’t think she believes she made a mistake, but I’m still confused…

Any thoughts on this whole confusion-fest?

20

I know its all very confusion and unfortunately i really can’t tell you why she did it. we can sit and think and ask and over analyze as much as we want (and i do this often!), but the truth is theres no way to know why she does or doesnt do certain things. thats just a fact. i think she sounds like she’s very confused. maybe she’s not sure whether or not she wants to pursue a relationship with you again or not. she’s probably torn between really trying to take space and move on or pursuing you again. she honestly probably doesnt know yet. hopefully this next nc period can give you both some clarity