Having a weak moment here- I wanna write her, ask how she’s doing, she’s got a big test on Sunday so I know she’d be glad to hear me…but I’m not sure the benefits outweigh the risks…thoughts?
Don’t do it!! Every time I break Nc I end up feeling much much worse than I was before. Resist the temptation. Every time you break it you need to start all over again and it’s not worth it! Call a friend or go do another activity. Be strong! You’ll regret giving in
You’re right…sometimes it’s easy to feel like it’s out of my control, but it’s the other way around, and if I let these moments control me, I risk going back to where I started, and when I started, I was eager to be where I am now.
Thanks for that big no-no haha
My therapist told me to think of it as my choice. It’s not like I can’t text him because I can - just like you can text your ex. But she said I should consciously make the choice not to because every time I text him it resets the clock and is hindering me either moving on or hkm making the decision to come back. Congrats on resisting the urge! I know it’s so tough. Hang in there
Thanks! I think your therapist is right, once you make it your choice, you can’t rationalize contacting him/her saying it was stronger than you.
So instead of resetting the clock, we should decide time’s up when we feel it is huh?
personally, in my situation, i think the ball is in his court to decide when time is up. I’ve reached out plenty in the last 4 months. he told me he could see a future with us but because we got together so long and have only ever experienced each other, he would always resent me for not taking time away to look around and date other girls and make sure I’m truly the one for him. so theres not really anything i can do about that. i wont be his friend. and he knows the door is open to let me know when he feels ready. so for now, i don’t plan on breaking nc at all. he will let me know if at a point he feels ready but i need to continue to move on and not wait around for him because the truth is i have no idea if he will actually come back or even if he is, it could be in years. so in my situation i think he needs to really fear I’m moving on which i think nc will show him because up till now I’ve been terrible at keeping it. but now i feel extremely motivated so we will see.
personally, if i were you i would try to see if and when she will break nc. she knows how you feel about wanting to start things. if you haven’t heard from her a few months from now and you genuinely feel ready, then go for it. but i would definitely wait a significant amount of time to see if she reaches out first.
To be honest, I don’t think I want to wait for a few months, cuz then there’s an actual chance either she or I will move on.
When we spoke during that 4 hour meet last week, I suggested seeing how we feel in a month, and she said she was scared that in a month she’d still want me and that I will have moved on…so again, very confusing.
So, saying I feel the same way I do now, I’m not sure if contacting her on the day we agreed on (February 23) will be interpreted as needy or not. We both were very big on planning things, not much for uncertainty here, so playing this waiting game after the due date isn’t a game I want to play…
But still, not sure what I should do
we are in different situations as your relationship was 9 months and mine lasted 7 years. i think because of this, your break up doesnt necessarily need to be as long as mine. if my ex or i can both move on from 7 years in a few months, then i don’t want to end up with him anyway because there clearly wasn’t enough love there to keep it together. he ended things to truly find out if I’m the one and this must take time for him after 7 years. i know he didn’t date at all the first 3 months because he was still thinking and processing it all so I’m assuming he’s just starting to now so he will definitely need at least a few more months moving forward. if 3 months nc makes him move on from me then i really just question the overall strength and connection of our relationship. but i do see how your situation is different - after dating 9 months youre not going to split for 9 months and equal the length of the relationship. she broke up with you so she was taking the risk of you moving on regardless. personally, i think it would seem a bit needy to contact her on the exact date you agreed upon to me. if i were her, i would imagine you just would have been waiting around for the calendar to reach feb 23 so you could reach out. I’m very big for planning things too but as I’ve realized from going through this breakup its just nearly impossible to plan how you’ll feel when and even more impossible to plan how your ex will feel, who they might meet etc. i would wait and see if she contacts you on feb 23 and if she doesnt, i would wait one more week and contact in the beginning of march.
You’re probably right…her contacting me really made me believe she wanted to give this another go, but right now really isn’t a good time; we need to focus on our studies and trying something here will unfocus us.
Guess we’ll see in a few weeks how things stand; I really do believe there’s a chance to be had here, that she didn’t contact me only cuz she missed me or felt a little lonely or had some hard time, I want to believe she did it because she wanted to give this another chance, but the timing wasn’t right…a guy’s gotta believe in something right?
i think a lot of people just say to have no hope and move on but i disagree! you know your relationship better than anyone. if you think its worth saving and worth fighting for then listen to your gut, but just put yourself first. i believe after the next period of nc if you still want to be with her, go for it. whats there to lose at this point? you already aren’t together and maybe shell have a change of heart. stay strong!
Thanks a lot! Talking about this whole thing makes it easier to handle it all.
I think NC is really working for me; I really feel different now and know I’m in a much better place with myself. I’m sure she thinks about me as well, and, for now, really do hope that by February 23rd we’d have had enough apart-time to try and build it from scratch, I’m optimistic either way 
Well, we started talking again, even met up, no kisses or anything of the like, just hugging a lot.
I’m proud of her; she says she realizes there are still things about herself that need improving, and that right now she’s not ready for a relationship, not just with me, but in general. But we’re trying to see how we feel about being in touch, meeting up, and see if, when exams are over, we’re ready to give this a serious go.
So we talk on a daily basis, which is fun…only, she still occasionally finds ways to get offended out of pretty much dumb stuff, which I guess means her defenses are still up, but who can blame her right?
Anyway, just wanted to ask for any advice you got…also, should I let her try and initiate contact? cuz right now, I’m the only one who does…
Thanks!
Just take things really slow. My ex and I split for three months last summer and got back together through me initiating and just “seeing where things went” and it lasted 15 months before he ended it again for the same reasons. Don’t rush or force anything or get overly attached. And yes - she should be initiating the contact!! You can contact her sometimes but it should be mutual and you should both reach out equally. I really do hope it works out for you but just be careful if you aren’t completely emotionally healed yet
I think that for her, meeting up or contacting in general isn’t as important as it is to me; I know she’s still hurt, though it’s been 6 months since the breakup and I’ve been apologizing for like 4 out of the 6, but when’s the line where enough is enough? Where you either decide to give it a chance or not, because right now, it feels like I’m like a side-project and if nothing better shows up, she’ll give it a go.
It sounds bad, I know, but being in that position lets me show her the changes I’ve been through and show her the new me; she loved me once, who says she won’t again?
Honestly if I were you I would stay in nc. You’ve apologized and youve done all that you can do. She needs to decide on her own that she wants to come back. Listen, I spoke to my ex Monday night on the phone and we had a very honest conversation in which he told me doing Nc, reaching out, talking everyday or occasionally, etc. None of it matters because right now he is sure about his decision to be broken up and he will let me know if/when he feels ready to talk about reconciling. In the meantime he’s told me to do what makes me happy in terms of talking to him. Im going Nc for my own healing because every time I talk to him I feel back to square 1. You’ve apologized to your ex and she knows how you feel and now I think it’s time to really take a step back and stay Nc for your own healing and let her come to you when she’s ready. If she reaches our, be friendly. But she’s told you she’s not ready for a relationship and I think talking to her everyday is just temporarily easing your pain and enabling her to have her cake and eat it too. I would think twice about this personally
I wish I could say you’re wrong, but clearly you’re right…I think I’m past the healing process, by that I mean I’m fine if this goes either way; obviously, I’d be happy if we got back, but if not, that’s alright too.
But every nice and good gesture, or even an attempt at one, is scrutinized by her, and she tries to find cracks in what I say or just reasons to be upset, and by this point, I don’t see why; six months post-break, she still wants to talk and meet, so I think the anger’s gone, but her guard is still way, WAY up.
I think I should go on living my life like I did during NC and let her come to me. If she does, great for us, if she doesn’t, at least I’d know I’m not at fault. Either way, I’m done counting days and actively waiting for her.
How’s it going on your end?
I think that’s a good plan! You don’t have to have a plan to never reach out again. Maybe wait a few weeks and see if she initiates. It’s great she’s responsive but I believe she will reach out and come to you if she wants. I know how much Nc sucks but I truly believe it’s better in the long run.
This week has been awful for me. I found out from a mutual friend Monday that my ex has a new girlfriend. I called him Monday to ask and he said she’s not his “girlfriend” but they are seeing each other and he wants to see where it goes. He told me I should be a little happy about this because the reason we broke up was so he could date other people so he could have something to compare our relationship to so he is starting to act on it now. For the first 3 months post break up he didn’t date at all so he said he made no progress and now he needs to date and set out to accomplish the whole goal of this breakup by getting to know other girls to see if we’re best together. Im torn apart About it but I knew it was coming. Anyway he still says he loves me, maybe sees a future, etc. And suggested touching base in May so it’s just all very confusing to me and hard to put it all behind me when he always leaves the door wide open.
Hmmm, can I be honest? I don’t like your ex’s attitude towards you.
He can’t say he wants to date other girls to see if you’re the one, then say he still loves you and MAYBE sees a future.
That maybe is the single most terrible thing he could have said because not only does it bring your hopes up, it also (I hope not) prevents you from trying to move on in any meaningful way…
Also, touching base on May is another way to keep you rooted where you are; because obviously, like me, you want that day to arrive, and you anticipate it so much everything else gets sidetracked, so instead of seeing what’s around you and how you can enjoy it and live the present, you wait for the future to arrive…until not long ago I was there too, but now I’d like to believe I’ve made some progress.
Regardless, I think your conversations with him, amazing as they probably are, are not only holding you back, but might become a serious disappointment. I don’t know you, but from what little communication I had with you, I don’t think you deserve that kind of behavior, cuz while you’re putting yourself out there, he just gets what he wants- the knowledge you’re there, the ego boost that comes with it, and you get to hear he’s trying something new, and that hurts like a bitch, and I believe, I know, you deserve a LOT more than that.
You are absolutely right! My ex has been incredibly selfish throughout this entire ordeal. He knows I’ll hang on to whichever thread of hope he gives me and its incredibly unfair. I somehow need to get it through my own head though because he will never be the one to tell me it’s final and it’s over.
I need to keep Nc now indefinitely unless he reaches out to me. I need to try my best to move on and move forward because I can’t wait around forever for him! I need to live my life and focus on me and if somewhere down the line he returns then I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.
I think my ex is trying to be honest but it’s completely keeping me along for the ride while he “explores”. It’s awful and I need to somehow on my own find a way out of his grasp. Now that I know he’s seeing anyone I will not contact him at all. If he contacts me in the future, we’ll take it from there. I do have a birthday at te end of April and on Monday he told me he would be calling me then If we don’t speak before so we will see. It is very unfair for him to tell me he loves me and can see me in his future but he isn’t positive. It feels like the most frustrating situation in the world!
Well, for you it is, cuz you’re the one who has to deal with this situation. I don’t think you should think of NC as NC, cuz I think it works for a specific way of thought- to give yourself time to heal and for him to miss you. I think you should keep all the good memories and emotions you have of him, place them in like a mental box, and try and leave it for a bit; peek in every once in a while cuz those are good memories so why not remember them?
But you have to give YOURSELF the chance to move on, regardless of if and when he comes around, cuz we’ve be through this before- unfortunately, neither you nor I can make the other side feel they way we do, and even if we could, we wouldn’t want to, cuz that’d that wouldn’t be real.
So try lay your mind off him, I say try cuz I know that’s the best you (and to be honest, me too) can manage; and hey, any time you wanna talk, I’ll gladly listen.