Mixed Signals and more NC- Help!

Breakup Help reconciliation
61

First off, great job on keeping NC! Having restarted it, first days are a bitch, so I’m proud of you for not breaking it, even when it feels like you can’t handle it anymore.

I can’t help but agree to that whole stringing me along bit you’ve talked about. I thought about it, and every time she told me she wants us but can’t, she also said she feels terrible cuz she feels like she’s playing games with me, and she doesn’t want me to wait for her til she finds herself, but that’s my choice, I guess. The point is, she realizes she’s kinda stringing me along, hates herself for it, and for both of us to clear our minds, and for her to work on herself, we need this time off…I hate it, but that’s the way things are.

Thing is, first time she contacted me, she was scared she’d lose me, and now, she realizes she might, but she can’t let fear drive her, the whole becoming-better-process she’s going through.

She said she loves me, and that right now, she can’t be in a relationship (not just with me) because she has to work on herself by herself.

I guess I’m trying to convince myself. But truth is, just 2 months ago she said she didn’t love me, that she wants me to let her go; since then she told me she still loves me, that she wants us back, and that for that, or any future relationship she might have, to happen, she has to work on herself.

March 19th, the set date, won’t change anything, these things take time, but it might be enough for her to be in a better place and to consider giving us a chance, bit by bit. Who knows, maybe I won’t even be in the same place I’m at right now, guess I will but you know, a guy’s gotta hope.

So talking on the 19th will be like a checkup, maybe we’ll finally go our separate ways, maybe we’ll give us a chance. She said she’s curious to have that conversation then, and so am I, hoping for the best.

62

its true that every time you break nc its like starting over at square 1. thats why i don’t have a desire to break it anymore. my ex will reach out to me if he has anything to say but honestly I’m doing better not hearing from him. i spent too many months fixated on what he wants, what he’s thinking, when he’ll be ready and it isn’t fair. my first choice would be for him to be ready now but thats not the case.

i refuse to put my life on hold waiting for him to feel a certain way that might not ever happen. it wasn’t until we stopped speaking that i truly started to feel better. now I’m at a point where I’m happy with the things i do have in my life. i still miss him but if he wants to reconcile, he will reach out to me. for now, i need to be focused on doing whats best for me and not for him.

as for you, I’m afraid by setting these deadlines youre still allowing yourself to be ruled by her emotions and not your own. i know you probably wont take my advice right now but if this next “check up” doesnt go how you want, i really suggest you just go nc indefinitely. I’m honestly so much happier since i did this. if you keep living till the next deadline its basically just counting the days to talk again and it doesnt help healing. i know i need to heal completely before I’m ready to start with him again or with someone else so thats my priority right now.

i hope it works out for you!

63

Took me a while to realize how right you are, I guess I didn’t want to make a clean cut out of fear of losing her, but that’s the point; if I’m the only one who’s scared of losing the other, I’m just staying at the same spot, giving myself no chance to move forward.

So on Saturday I called her, told her how nothing was gonna change from now til the deadline, to which of course she agreed. I told her how much I care for her, but also that for the past 6 months we’ve been broken up but still in some sort of a relationship, so much that I’ve been acting like I still have a girlfriend, and she said she felt like she’s been doing the same.

It was a good talk, I think, though she was kinda upset by minor stuff, then had to go. I finished telling her all I had to say by mail:

"So, in the end, you’ll always be my first and greatest love, and maybe along the way, when you finish the process you’re going through, you’ll be willing to give us a chance, and maybe I’ll still be there and we’ll have all the great adventures we wanted to.

But maybe not, and it’ll be a huge miss and incredibly sad, but we have to be realistic.

So good luck in everything, wish that you’ll always know joy and always realize how amazing you are, and if you don’t think that way, know that there’s at least one guy who thinks that.

I hope and believe that we’ll meet along the way, but it’s time to stop waiting til the next deadline, it doesn’t do me any good.

So as much as it hurts, and it hurts like hell, it’s time to say goodbye, at least for the the time being, and when you feel you’re ready to give it a shot, and when things just fit into place like they did back when we started, maybe we’ll start a new way together.

Thank you for all that you’ve been in my life, and for what you still are, and thank you, perhaps, for what you’ll be for me, only time will tell, and I’m curious to see what’ll happen. I hope our paths cross again, and that it will be amazing, there’s so much we haven’t done yet :slight_smile:

That’s it, it’s time for some quiet from me, from you, from us, and if David Cook (a singer she likes) is any good, when you find you, come back to me; I’ll be there with ice cream and a hug.

Goodbye, little love of mine,

Yours,

Me"

That was that, still makes me tear up when I read it, cuz I know I have to stick to it, as much as I wanna call her up. If there’s any chance to either get back or move on, it has to come from a place of no contact. I’m sure she meant what she said about having to go through this process by herself, though when I asked her if she can’t be with someone while doing it or is it just me, she said she doesn’t know.

But I think I made a big step forward. The next few days are gonna suck I guess, but I guess you gotta get hurt a bit to grow a bit…

So thanks for your thoughts and advice, I think I did my best to follow them, and would, as always, greatly appreciate your thoughts of this long, long post :stuck_out_tongue:

64

hi joe,
I’m really proud of you for doing that!! it must have been extremely difficult, but I’m confident that it was 1000% the right decision. did you get a response to that? i think that (as hard as this is to hear), she was using you as a safety net. i don’t even know if she meant to do this, but by giving you deadlines and telling you she needed to be alone, i think she was just kind of stringing you along. there might be a point in the future when she realizes that she really does want to be with you, but i believe it will be because you showed her that youre capable of being strong and independent and that you wont wait around from her.

i know it must be painful today. every time I’ve broken nc and knew i had to start over it was the most daunting feeling in the world, but its kind of freeing in a way. you’ve done all you can do and its time to heal and move on. healing and moving on completely are things that i think need to happen anyway before a successful reconciliation could occur. i think for now she knew you were comfortable so she was waiting around to see if she could go back to you at the end of the day but i don’t think it ever would’ve happened with these ambiguous deadlines to be honest.

nc gets easier! today is day 30 for me and i feel great actually. i still love/think about/miss my ex but I’m so much more focused on me and the positives in my life and my healing. i think this needed to happen regardless of whats in store for us in the future. i know i will not break nc. period. its in his court if he wants to reach out and talk. i think youre doing the right thing to get yourself back on track and heal yourself! and you will find love again - whether it be with your ex or with someone else. be patient and kind to yourself!

65

Well, on our last phone call, before this one, she wasn’t clear on whether we’ll talk on the 19th or not. On Saturday, when we talked, she told me she didn’t think we’ll talk then and that she thought she made it clear, I said she didn’t but that’s ok.

During the last month, she told me how she wasn’t ready yet, how she needed time, and that because she misses me she starts stringing me along, playing games, and that it’s not the person she wants to be, because it hurts me and that’s the last thing she wants.

I know and she knows she’s been stringing me along, but not (I hope) as a safety net, more like she wanted to see if she’s there yet, and when she realized she wasn’t, she tried letting go again, only I didn’t let her, and she didn’t really wanted to.

She said, some weeks ago, that once she’s whole with herself, we could get back again, I dunno when that’ll happen, and I think I’m done actively waiting for that to happen.

She didn’t respond to the email, although I don’t think there was anything she could’ve said. I know she still loves me, but love isn’t really enough, and for us, or for her, to have a chance at any relationship, she has to work on herself.

I won’t lie, I really expected her to write back, to call; I sent the mail on Saturday, nothing since. It sucks, not because NC sucks in general, but because I thought she was ready, and for a time, so did she. Only she realized she’s not ready yet, and that’s ok.

I really do love her, even after all this time apart, and I think we still have a chance to be together, but that time isn’t now, and I can’t wait for it to come by…

I won’t break NC again for two major reasons- first, I have to let go for me to have any chance at moving on, if only to be happy til that day comes. Second, she has to realize she’s losing me, and to realize whether or not it’s something she really wants to let go of.

I’ll see how I feel a month from now, though I suspect, or hope at least, she’ll contact me before. I don’t think it’s the end of it, and when we talked on the phone I told her, once again, that I think this ending for our story “And then they broke up, tried to get back, failed, tried again, failed, again and again, and then they gave up and never got back, The End” is a shitty ending, asked her if she thought so as well, to which she said yes. So I guess there’s hope for a future us, but right now, I had to let her go, and to let her know I’m lettingher go, for me to make some self-progress and for her to go through her process.

Maybe I’ll hear from her sometime soon, sure hope so, but I’m gonna live life as best as I can til then, I owe it to myself.

But yeah, her not responding to that mail really bummed me out, because it made this real all of a sudden, and I never wished for that to happen.

66

i would try really hard to not focus on the possibility of getting back together when she’s “whole” again. she may mean it, but i think a lot of people say that when they’re ending a relationship because it makes them feel better to have a chance in the future and lets the other person down easily. maybe she really means it but theres no way to know (she probably doesnt even know now), so don’t dwell on it. you have to remind yourself that if she wanted to be together with you, you would be right now. this is what i tell myself. in the future maybe she will change her mind, but no one knows if or when that will happen so you really have to let go for now, as much as it sucks.

she may never be ready and thats the unfortunate truth. my ex told me in december that “his gut” told him he would be ready in a few months and he needed time before he could commit again but he wanted to get back together eventually. i dwelled on him saying this for so long that it prevented my healing. finally at the beginning of february i just decided if he really meant that then great, he’ll let me know when he’s ready but me replaying him saying that over and over in my head will get me nowhere with moving on so i let it go.

i think it will be better if she doesnt contact you in the next month. i think you both need some time and space to clearly evaluate. try to go 30 days and then see how you feel. today is my 30th day of nc and i feel great and i don’t even want to break it. if my ex wants to talk to me, he knows how to reach me. for now i need to keep focusing on healing and a month of nc wasn’t enough for me to feel 100% healed - i can imagine it will take many more months.

try to just live in the present moment and not think about the future. no one knows whether or not you will reconcile or if you do when it will happen. you just need to realize she doesnt want to right now and go from there. anything can happen in the future so you need to somehow put it off for now and try not to over analyze. i know how difficult this is but the truth is i could hear from my ex tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, 2 years from now, or never. no one knows and i can make myself exhausted and stress imagining all the possibilities but it would do me no good. just heal and let whatever happens unfold naturally.

i can understand why you would be upset she didn’t answer. i would be too. i sent my ex a lot of heartfelt letters after our break up and he always answers. i find it a little rude when you pour your heart out to someone and they don’t even acknowledge that they’ve read it. but theres nothing you can do about it. its just how she choose to handle it. i really suggest that you focus on you and only you right now and not her or how she might be feeling. it takes time but you will feel better in a few weeks. hang in there!

67

I think you should listen to what @atea1234 says, really. She gives good advices and I think she has a good point here also.

and @atea1234 I would love to get some of your advice about my case + ur update! anything new? or he still doesnt want to reconcile right now?

68

Thank you both for your feedback, it helps more than you think.

As for the mail. She always, always, answered my mails, but this time, either because there was nothing to say or she had to let that sink, she didn’t. It’s not a bad thing, because if she responded I guess we both would’ve been dragged into a conversation when we really need some quiet time from each other.

It tears me apart cuz, according to Facebook, she’s attending a party this Friday (Jewish holiday). I know it means nothing and I know over analyzing it will just cause more hurt, but I can’t shake the feeling she’s trying to put herself out there, maybe find someone. I know it’s probably nothing but you know how rattling these things are…

Anyway, as you’ve followed, in the 2 weeks before she contacted me, I made some progress, I think I’m gonna work on that again. I’m really glad that after 30 days of NC you’re totally cool and feeling well, and I wish I’d feel that way too.

I know I did everything I could, and though I always reasons to do more, I’m gonna let it go.

It’s kinda pathetic, but I thought about calling her today, only to realize there’s nothing to talk about.

And so I’m gonna take a step back, give her, and me, the time and space we need, and who knows? Maybe I’ll have some good news to tell you all one day.

Gonna try and do as you say, focus on myself again, become a better self, I owe it to myself.

Something extra- I’d like a girl’s opinion regarding that mail. I think it was well written, that I didn’t close that door, but also, didn’t keep it forcefully open. What did you think? Feel free to be brutally honest

69

Joe,
i think she probably didn’t want to get into another dragged out conversation which is why she didn’t respond.it would’ve been nice if she acknowledged the message, but it wasn’t necessary.

you will start to make progress the longer you go without talking to her. i feel confident and happy again and i almost felt like reaching out to my ex to show how but i decided against it. I’m going to wait and see him in a few more months.

don’t call her. you need to wait until you both heal. every time you break nc you need to start over and it makes it so much harder. just stick to it and you still start to heal. in another 2-3 weeks you will feel happier.

i think your letter overall definitely made her feel very emotional. it was very well written. i read it basically saying you respect where she is right now but you really love her and hope things can be different in the future. i wouldnt say anything else. you definitely left her with something to think about. she will get in contact when she feels it is the right thing to do. you left the door wide open i think and put the ball in her court. thats a good thing. now you just get to relax and heal and try to move on and if its meant to be she will come to you at the right time.

stay strong!! do not contact her.

70

Sorry for the late response…it’s GMT+2 here, so by the time you wrote I was already fast asleep.

I’ll start at the end of what you said- fear not, I’m not gonna contact her, it’s in her hands now.

Thank you is much for you feedback and encouragement, I appreciate it immensely!

So yeah, right now I’m gonna try and heal, not think about her every waking moment, which is probably gonna be a challenge but that’s life, and in a few weeks, I guess I’ll be in a better place, much like yourself.

So again, thanks for everything, we’ll see where things stand a few weeks from now.

71

everyday you will think about her a little less. sometimes i find myself not thinking about my ex for an hour or two while I’m doing something else and then i feel amazed and proud of myself! you’ll get there.

it also may help to remove her from social media if you haven’t yet. just try to make it through the first 30 days and you’ll see how you feel. today is day 31 for me and i didn’t want to break it yesterday so you may feel that way in a month! i think the only way to focus more on yourself and healing and not on her is to stick with nc for a longer amount of time and the less you know/hear about her, the better!

72

Top advice right there!

I went to the gym today, take my mind off things; thing is, that gym is where we met and I found myself waiting to see her, but I think that in time it’ll pass.

I’m really happy that 31 days later, you’re much happier, and I’m proud of you, wish I’ll feel that way soon.

These things, whether we get back not, take time, and forcing it will only make it unnatural, so while I wish for it to happen, I’ll try my best to less expect it. Any of that makes sense to you?

73

thats all very normal. one of my friends lives in my ex’s building and ill admit to always offering to go there instead of her coming to me in the off chance ill see him in the lobby or elevator (its still never happened), but i find myself going to dinner in that neighborhood a lot more thinking maybe ill run into him, but so far no luck!

its all good days and bad days. yesterday and today were awful. i almost broke down and called him but i called a friend instead and was proud of myself for staring strong.

it does make sense what youre saying because theres no way to really “get an ex back”. i think the most productive thing to do is move on with your life and if they come back then be pleasantly surprised. you can’t force her to be with you. you can have hope but you can’t live your life waiting for it to happen.

74

Yeah, yesterday was bad; there was a costume party at the university and her friend (whom I have on Facebook) uploaded a pic of the both of them there and it tore me up…we went to that same party last year.

There is a silver lining though- I didn’t feel the need to contact her. After the letter, there really isn’t anything left for me to say, as you’ve said, the ball is entirely in her court.

Truth is, I went to a bar 2 days ago, and got a number from this cute girl only to delete it the day after…I realized when I woke up that I’m not in a place where I can start a new relationship and it wouldn’t be fair to that girl.

I guess she’s trying to move on too, either cuz right now she can’t be with me, or cuz she doesn’t want to anymore, but playing the guessing game won’t really help here…

75

I’m sorry you had a bad day yesterday. i had one two days ago and it was terrible. i was soo close to contacting but i held strong. I’m glad you don’t feel the need to contact her - you walked away truly knowing that you did everything you could’ve done and thats a great feeling. if she wants to reach out to you, she will.

you don’t need to be ready to be in another relationship yet. it obviously takes some time. theres nothing wrong with casually dating though! you don’t need to jump into another relationship but casual dating can be fun and help your confidence come back and also is a nice distraction.

of course she is trying to move on! so are you. i think the only way to know whether or not you truly want to reconcile is when you try to move on and you realize months down the line that you can’t. don’t play the guessing game with how she’s feeling. you’ll never know and its too soon to ask. it will only delay your own healing if you keep focusing intently on what she’s thinking.

76

Casual dating is fun if both sides know that it’s just that -fun- and nothing else, otherwise, someone gets hurt, and I don’t want that, which is why I didn’t contact that girl.

What scares me, still scares me after all these months is that we’ll lose one another forever, and I know it’s a risk I must take, and I wrote that in my email, but I still dread the day where she’s nothing more than a memory. But that’s the situation and I have to make the best of it.

As to reconciling, well, as I’ve told you, she tried dating but I guess they weren’t right for her, so she either came back cuz she realized it and then realized she can’t be with me yet, or I acted as a safety net. But again, no point in guessing here. We’ll see how I feel a month from now.

Now back to you. Why was your day shitty and how did you manage to stay on top? I know in my case there’s no point in calling her but it still doesn’t make it easier, I guess that’s how you feel too huh?

77

yes exactly but not every girl you go on a date with will want something serious! i had a fun fling that lasted about 6 weeks but it fizzled out. i was up front with him about where i am in dealing with my break up process and he wasnt looking for anything serious so it just worked out.

unfortunately, whether or not you lose each other forever isn’t really in your control right now and it sucks. if you had it your way, you would be with her right now. i feel the same - i can accept some time off but its scary to envision a future without him but all you can do is live in the present moment. she doesnt want to be with you right now so live your life in the present moment and nobody knows what the future will bring. you just have to wait and see.

also in her situation, i don’t think its so much about these other guys. she may not meet someone else she wants to date for many more years! that doesnt necessarily mean she will want to get back together. on the flip side, she could find herself dating someone else for a couple months and realize everything is better with you. theres really just no way to know what will happen. you can’t predict it.

i just have bad days every once in a while. i had a ton of studying to get done and was sick and just seemed to be having an off day. i just reminded myself that calling him would temporarily make me feel better but i would feel worse the next day and nothing would come out of it. plus i haven’t spoken to him in about 5 weeks and i didnt want to start from zero again. every time i reach out its like resetting the clock and starting over again and I’ve made a lot of progress so i didnt want to. plus, i really have been feeling stronger overall and didnt want to reach out to him in a weak moment - i would’ve looked like i was still weak. plus if we do reconcile i want it to come from him so he would need to reach out to me. nothing i say would make a difference right now.

78

Had a bad moment. We started the second semester today and I just saw her, said hi and moved along.

I got a new, short haircut last week, so she was kinda surprised.

I just mailed her “it was nice seeing you, a bit short, but fun”.

She hasn’t responded yet…I’m just bummed I sent her that, but I just didn’t want her to feel I was ignoring her or whatever

79

don’t say anything else!! leave it at that. she may not responds. don’t beat yourself up. just erase the messages and start again.

80

atea could you read my topic please? I really like your input

I am really worried today a mutual friend said she was gonna talk to him to give him her perspective since none of his other friends deals with me on a regular basis. I am affraid he will say he doesn’t feel the same about me… although just two weeks ago he said he would like to get back but isn’t ready and doesn’t know when he will … https://www.forum.exbackpermanently.com/boards/topic/he-says-he-would-like-to-get-back-but/page/3/