Just started - Im a crazy person!

no-contact-rule
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Hi Quin, I did reply to you on your thread, but I will make a short one again here too. I know it is not easy to give up and move on and at this point, you should not. Perhaps, the right term to use is: letting go. giving up seems such a hopeless term. But I will tell you this and take it to heart: The reason why she wants this breakup is because she sees the realistic side of things.If you were living close by, then there would be no problem. She is not really giving up on you. She loves you so much, but she is looking ahead. Sometimes, love itself does not mean you have to stay forever. I have learned this the hard way. There are some factors why people have to go their separate ways. But who knows, a lot of young couples who separate always do find their way back to each other’s lives some time in life. What I can suggest though is, you can still keep in touch as it is so easy nowadays. Now, in this time of separation, there may be a posibility she meets someone, and you may too. It is just your circumstance of being young and being in a long distance relationship will be very challenging. As you can already read here, even us broken up couples live next door to our exes (well, not literally) we are still broke up, what more that you are far away and busy? I am not saying it is imposssible for it to work out. I am just saying that is is way more of a challenge.Yes, it will work out if BOTH of you are willing, but right now, it seems like she is breaking as she wants to end it. It is one sided now. You have been very mature and have not forced her.

The best solution I can offer is if she is willing to keep in touch with you even as friends, although it will be hard because you just want to be in a relationship with her, then you can. But like ai said, both of you will meet new people and friends and possibly new love interests, so, you have to be ok with that.

I hope I made sense. Just know she is not letting go because she doesn’t love you. She just knows that with you being apart, so many things are going to happen while you are not with each other.

Goodluck, young man.

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Quin, again, you are such a remarkable young man. I wish a lot of men had the kind of maturity and understanding your posses in a relationship. You boh agreed to keep i touch, so do it. but I know your emotions are so raw right now that you may want to calm down before contacting her to say hello. Definitely greet her on her birthday. But since you have already broken up, keep conversations casual and friendly. I know you can do this. You have been doing great throughout this ordeal.

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What I would do to have this relationship with my ex and have him have your mindset. And we’re old!

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It could be that she cares so much for you that she wants to do everything she can to make sure things work out… And changing the current status of the relationship is her way of doing that. Maybe don’t view it as over, but as a new definition of your relationship. In some cases, I think friend zone is a bad idea. But in your case, it may actually be worth the risk in the long run.

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Hey guys

Mrswb: when I first read both of your responses I got super sad but not because of anything you said. I just know that what you said is true about having to let her go.

And from reading both octopuses comment and mrswb’s I kind of had an epiphany on something.

I think her sister went through something similar! Because her sister goes to school in another city across the country but when she is home she always hangs out with another guy that she used to have history with in high school(I know this because my ex told me so). She didn’t tell me anything else but it was obvious to both me and my ex that they were both still in love about 6 years after.

I guess what I’m trying to say is maybe getting back together with her is the wrong approach like you guys were saying. Maybe me and her can stay really good friends like her sister and her old bf. So we wouldn’t be out of each others lives like I’m sure neither of me or my ex want but it wouldn’t restrict her or me on choosing what to do in these formative years!

Thank you guys so much this really helped a lot and made me happy after having that little epiphany. I’m still thinking of keeping nc until her birthday and then maybe asking her to meet. At that meeting is when I’ll ask if we can still stay close friends. Hopefully she would like to also! :slight_smile:

Please say any other of your thoughts on the matter still! since I’m still young, not many of my friends have had a relationship as long as me, let alone got broken up with like this haha so they can’t offer any useful advice like you guys!

Thanks again!

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Quin: It is refreshing to read that someone as young as you can be rational about this. I know Octopus and I have 2 different opinion about being in the friendzone. She has an excellent point, however, the reason why I said that it might be good stay in touch. Ok, maybe not as “friends” per se, but just to keep in touch. Since the both of you already split, I think if you contacted her again later on, you can start off as friends. They say when you are broken up already and one day you decide you want to get back together, forget the past, clean slate, and start a new relationship. Because by then, you’re not the 2 same people you were when you were together. I would hope that you are better people now after the breakup.

Everyting is too soon for the both of you now, though.

If she comes back to town, of course you can extend an invite for coffee or something. All she can say is no.

I for one, am not friends with any of my exes. I’m not angry at them, I just choose not to have a friendship with them. You never know in the long run, this is something you may not want too. It’s your choice. :slight_smile:

Ok, so when the relationship is starting to get ugly, and the breakup is not mutual, and the guys tells me “we can be friends.” I will be sooooo angry because to me, that is an excuse as I know he thinks that it makes him look better. Because really, when they say that let’s be friends, they just downgraded me or will never contact me ever again to be friends. I have been given that excuse before and it’s not good. But my situation was different. He just had no feelings for me anymore and was already cheating on me. So, that’s a dbag move to use the let’s be friends excuse.

In your case, one day I feel that you can start a off as friends, because your breakup was different. It really just depends on how the breakup went.

I hope this makes sense. Be strong. You will be alright. :slight_smile:

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Actually, MrsWB,I think we have very similar opinions! I chose not to be friendzoned in two situations because I felt that it wouldnt allow me to move on, AND they had a safety net. They get to keep me in their life for every day wonderfulness but they have the freedom to date other people while I watch. Then when everything falls apart, I am still there - waiting. Naw, I will pass.

But I really don’t think it is always like this. I think for some people, it probably works!

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Octopus: exactly!! I think Quin should collect his thoughts and wait and decide if he wants go this route.

You know what is sad, these kids don’t give those excuses. It’s the stupid old/ grown-up men! Haah!!

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Thank goodness my ex did not say “maybe we are better off as friends!” Omg. I would be so angry at him if he even suggested that. Did your ex suggest that?

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Hey sorry to jump in this post, I just saw you’re discussing about being friends after the breakup. I am conflicted about it, because I basically believe you can’t be really friend with your ex but there are many exception. I even made an exception with my first ex, we are still in touch and very good friends, but this has become possible only years later after the breakup, when all the negative feelings has subsided and one of us has changed for the better. I lean more towards octopus2016’s point of view, but it depends.

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Fishing: jump in if you may. Yes, being friends in the beginning is not wise at all. However, based on Quin’s situation and he and his ex suggesting that maybe they can keep in touch one day, I think it may work out given time.

The age factor makes a difference too. It’s harder to be friends with an ex when you are in a certain age. These youngsters still have not experienced deeper emotional kind of relationships that us grown-ups have. They don’t have those other stresses like we do: full time jobs, mortgages, rent, health insurance etc… They don’t have much gown-up responsibilities yet. :slight_smile: I think they will be ok. :slight_smile:

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MrsWB - oh yeah he did. But I wasn’t having it because 99% of his friends are girls who I suspect are also exs. I’m not being part of that harem. No, no. NO.

I’ll have to tell you about the one before this guy and how I ended up getting arrested for him. It is a horrible, embarrassing story! I am a silly woman, for sure. Time to learn how not to do this anymore.

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FishingTheSky: I am friends with my exhusband, but we were together for a very long time and had a fairly easy divorce. Although it is getting a little complicated now, but we will still stay friends. Not close friends, but able to converse and handle the things that need handled. We have two children, and property and a few other shared assets that we cant quite get wrapped up. But the point is, in this situation, being friends is a MUST.

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So you guys think that I could be friends with her eventually but not right away?
So far with the plan I have I won’t talk to her for another 2 and a half weeks. Do you think that’s too soon to ask to be friends? I get that it won’t be a normal friendship but I think that based on what her sister and her “friend” ( I don’t know what to call him because he isn’t a be but he isnt just a friend either) are like, we could do that too. Is that not a good idea for now?

One thing that I am quite scared about is her forgetting about me. I don’t want to trick her in anyway or manipulate anything. I just don’t want to leave her life. I know it might sound childish or immature but it’s how I feel.

Right now I’ve accepted how she did it because of the future and she doesn’t know what is going to happen but I just still want so bad for us to be together when things have settled down with school and we have more of our lives figured out. If this is a way to do that then I’d really like to consider it

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trust me, she wont forget about you - ever! when the two weeks is up, just contact her, tell her you did some thinking and can understand where she is coming from . Let her know that you support her and would like stay in contact because even when she was your girlfriend, she was also your friend. And let her know how much her friendship means to you.

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I sure will be glad when I don’t think about this anymore!

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Ya no kidding haha
This sucks for all of us right now

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I had a dream last night we got back together and were hugging and being happy together again… Then I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep for 2 hours:(

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do you know what sucks? that despite all the stupid crap, i love the guy … the guy he was before everything went down. and in the last two weeks have had six… six dudes throw themselves at me, So i know i am worthy. what is it about this one dude that made me all wonky eyed?

80

Hey octopus2016,
How are you holding up? I was checking to see how’s your situation going.
I do notice you are switching to the “anger phase” post breakup, which is totally normal.
Let me tell you that the sooner you let go of your negative feelings, the sooner you start feeling relieved and better.
Unfortunately no one has a correct answer to your last question, I can tell you though that there is only one or a few people we meet who leave an unforgettable mark in our lives.
Of course you are worthy, everybody is worthy of love and respect. I have turned down multiple dates as well in these past two months but I don’t regret it at all, I am not emotionally available. Be strong and release all your bad vibes, this moment will pass and there are good chances that he will come around again.