To make what could be a long story short, I am on day 4 of NC and I feel like a crazy person. Because of that, I know doing NC for now is the right thing to do - but I sure hate this feeling! I basically just need to ramble on here for a bit…
The background is that I knew this guy for about 4 years, and we finally started hanging out. The first few months were by far the most fun I had experienced in a long time. We had so much in common and I can honestly say I have never felt more comfortable with anyone my entire life. I could give more details but I tend to get wordy.
Well two weeks ago, both of us had some pretty major things happen in our lives. His way of dealing with his was to tell me he needed space because he knew he was going to be an asshole. My way of dealing with mine was to ignore mine and try to deal with his, and not listen AT ALL to his request for space. So, Thursday night after a very heated argument, I walked out.
I am one of those people who process things rather quickly and forget that others need more time. I know I made some big mistakes and I have been thinking about ways to work on that. I have come up with the following conclusions in the first few days:
I absolutely try to solve other people’s issues because it is too daunting to solve my own
I have have a strong desire to enjoy life and do things - he helped me do that for a while. I was scared of losing that “crutch” and doing it myself.
I do not need him to take care of me, or solve my problems, or make me fulfilled. I just like having him around to share the fun with.
We both are horrible at dealing with stress. He got closed off and I got needy.
I figure right now he thinks I am a horrible person and it takes all I have not to try to convince him otherwise - which would have the exact opposite effect. Intellectually I know that NC is the right thing to do. We both have things to work on and we cant seem to do it at the same time.
Emotionally I am struggling - It seems like 26 days is an awful long time away.
The good news is you hold all the cards! Women are always better at this than men. Don’t get too hung up on the 30 day thing. You may only need a couple of weeks. The thing is NC is for building yourself mentally and or physically more than anything else. Its a time for re-evaluation and getting your grove back! Go with your friends, get a tan make him miss you. Good Luck!
Thanks Paul! Funny story… he made contact today. First off, he contacted my best friend just to say “hi”. My friend was instructed to not meddle, btw. Then he messaged me and told me he moved some stuff over to his garage so I could pick it up. I saw the message but have not opened it.
BUT! Here comes the kicker! We had a concert we were supposed to go to tonight, and since we are now split, I knew he would be there. He knew I would be there. He brought a date! They were touchy feelie, and he made sure to do it when he knew I could see them. I did not react, and I will not. Its been five days since he told me he didnt want a relationship and I walked away. He is rebounding. I find it slightly hilarious.
Holy bonanza batman! Hold the phone! Something just hit me… And maybe I will feel differently tomorrow. But I am maybe NOT crazy. I was maybe being Gaslighted by a narcissist! Maybe doing this 30 day no contact was the smarted thing I have ever done (in this situation).
We will see what I think over the next few days. I could be totally wrong.
Omg! You’re like me! Before me and my ex dated he also told me he will be a dick to me that’s why he thinks it is not a good idea for us to date. I was a bit nervous about that at first, but I knew I had to give him a chance. All the times we have been together was great. He is a little rough around the edges, but he was always good to me and treating me with respect. He involved me in his family and friends activities and such… But the job and financial situation was a issue to him (but not to me).
So, how are you now in your situation? Are you back with him/ want him back?
I don’t know. Fairly sure right now he is on a rebound which I don’t understand since #1 he broke up with me and #2 hecsaid he didn’t want a relationship. So why, less than 5 days later…is he seeing someone? Dudes are complicated.
OK, new info. This “rebound” is actually a girl he was “friends” with for a long time. When we first started hanging out he told me all about it and said she was just a friend but was having a hard time understanding it. I just saw on fb that she posted how wonderful her boyfriend is, and blah blah blah.
So. I can imagine this is why he broke it off with me. This is not the person I thought he was - guess I was wrong!
Im not going to be contacting him about any of this.
Octopus: oh wow!!! ok, so he cheated on you then! What a tool! Lol! Omg. Please don’t make the same mistake I did pinning on a former ex who cheated on me. I should have let it go from day 1! Man, that was how insecure I was. You seem like a very beautiful and strong person, and you will come across someone who is not comparable to him in the future.
I am absolutely with you. I am going to wrap things up in the next few days - he has some of my things. I am sorry it went this way, but better now than 5 years from now! I am actually relieved in some ways because I no longer need to cling to all of the responsibility for the break up that I was holding on to. I did, however, learn some things about myself during the end of the relationship that I am still going to work on to become a better person. So in the end, this was a tremendous learning experience and will help me grow as a person!
I messaged him a bit ago and asked him to drop my stuff off at my place of employment. After he reads and hopefully responds its blocks ville for him!
Lol! You go, girl!!! I wish I had your strength! Let me know what he says. Hopefully you can come back here and tell is that he contacted you after he over his rebound.
oh boy. This is going to be a somewhat fun story to follow. Let me give you a little more detail.
So I work at a record store on the weekends. This is one passion we shared - many nights we would just chill and listen to records and talk. Well he had ordered a hard to find record and it came in. I have been holding on to it because I thought I would use it at the 30 day mark to break the ice. So when I messaged him today, I told him it was here, and when he picks it up to please drop my stuff off.
Well, I totally did NOT expect him to show up an hour later while I was working. In he walks with my stuff and I said "oh. I didnt expect you to come in while I was here. " He says “oh! Is that not ok?” I said “no, its fine.” He says "well, let me know if anything is missing and I will look for it. " I picked it up and he saw right away something was missing. he says "oh, I will go through that one bag - I think all of our stuff is mixed up. I will bring it by next Saturday and get the movie I ordered. " I said “ok”
So then he says “how did you like the concert the other night?” In my head I was like REALLY??? Are you asking because you wanted to see if I saw you with that girl since I haven’t said anything about it?? I simply said “it was alright.” He said “I had a blast” I said “good.” Then he asks me questions about the record. I gave him one word answers and didn’t really look at him the whole time he was in. He said he was looking forward to listening to it. I said “enjoy.” and he left. That was an hour and a half ago.
Now he just messaged me the following:
“I’m sorry, I thought it was ok to come down to the store earlier, I didn’t mean you any disrespect. It was nice to see you , hope everything is cool”
So a few things here I am thinking about. #1, he asked about the concert to see if I saw. And wanted a reaction. He didn’t get one. I barely talked to him. It bothered him. GOOD!
Lol. Wow! I can’t believe some people. And he’s coming back next week too! The two guys here that I have been communicating with are pretty chill, so I won’t generalize. Wtf is wrong with some guys, though. It’s like he rushed to the store to bring the stuff then purposely mixed/ forgot stuff. Welp, you’re gonna see him again next week then, unless you call in or hide in the bathroom when he comes over.
I hope that girl he is with sees right through him. You know for sure that that will not end well and will end soon. Anything that happened quick, ends quick too. He talked to you like nothing happened and he flaunts that girl. No bueno. And don’t respond to him.
oh! I forgot to mention - that one bag he was talking about going through was right outside in his car. he didnt need to wait. he is making excuses to come back.
Lol! Yes! I just said that about the bag! I don’t know… It seems like he misses you (I know, Devil’s advocate) or just playing games. You don’t want a man like that. Since you said you’ve known each other for 4 years, was this 4 years of being friends first and just recently dated? Or 4 years together?
yeah, I wont. I want to block him now, but figured I just wouldnt respond. Its pretty much the same thing. I will block him after he shows next weekend. IF he shows after I don’t respond. If he doesn’t, anything of mine that I am missing can be replaced.
Four years of him pursing me and me not noticing. 6 or so months of dating.
Also side note, I have to drive past his house on my way home - alternate route is blocked by construction unless I go way way around. And the chick was there - at the same time he was messaging me. so yeah, thats a doomed relationship. But I knew it was as soon as I figured out who it was - shes got major issues and needs a savior. I do not.
Anyway, next weekend I restart NC. And plan on using that time to move on!
On the issue of being a savior. This is where we are similar. I learned the hard way that men like to be the savior. This was one of the reasons I think my relationship ended. I’m in my 40s like you and been single as heck in forever. I’m self sufficient. I always say I am independent, but actually, I am co-dependent. I always like saving people, taking care of people. When my bf wanted to do things for me, I shut him down a few times.
I feel you have a very, very strong personality, which is good. But we also need to soften up a bit and learn to recieve. This guy of yours, did he alawys offer to do things for you?
You are absolutely right on all of it, and to be honest, I am struggling with trying not to turn into the hard person again - he opened up my soft side which is why I fell in love with him. I would like to keep it open and not be so strong all of the time. It does get exhausting. At the moment, I am pretty hard because that is my defense, which also happens to be why I am ready to say I am moving on. I may be acting too hasty.
Yes, he did things for me - a lot of it was encouraging me to try new things, distracting me from working all the time, doing fun things. If I needed anything, he would put aside whatever he had going and help me. And he knew how hard it was for me to ask, or let him do things. I really do think the stress of life caused a lot of problems. I just wish the problems it caused were not so serious.
It is hard not to be mad at him for the way he has been acting. Prior to him, I had a history of running away from things. Not really LOVE relationships, because I was married but separated for a gazillion years so I didnt feel I could date - but a lot of other things. He talked me into letting him in. The way things ended - are ending - are and were very hurtful. And anger and avoidance is my go to reaction.
I struggle with my thoughts - one hour I am feeling confident in who I am and knowing that I could walk away from this mostly whole. The other hour I am thinking about how maybe a lot of the problems were me. I don’t know, its frustrating, this flip flopping.
Since you said you’ve known each other for 4 years, was this 4 years of being friends first and just recently dated? Or 4 years together?