You drag out conversations, even in texts. Long phone calls or texts make you look clingy. Asking her out makes you look clingy. Maybe she hopes you will change, but you haven’t. You’re still begging.
She ignored your sushi questions because she doesn’t want to go. If you want to get out of the game, don’t contact her. Write a short note and tell her NOT to contact you for at least 30 days.
When you get back in contact, never again ask to see her. She might be stubborn, but if she really wanted to see you she would ask. It’s that simple.
I was being pretty clingy and still begging and over the last few days I wish I would have handled things differently but didn’t contact her at all the last few days. So today I was at work and she messaged me and asked if I was home because she was in the area and wanted to stop by and say hi. I told her I was at work, and she asked if she could come see me there. I live close to work so I just left early and she came and picked me up and we went for an hour long drive.
It was crazy seeing her because tons of feelings came back and I hope they did for her too. She seemed so much more level headed and looks great. I tried to keep conversation pretty light but we did talk about past things in a non argumentative way. I mentioned hearing things people told me (or I saw which she doesn’t know) on social media and we kind of joked about that. I didn’t want to make it sound like I was creeping her social media account. I told her to unblock me on social media and she said ok, then later on she said she didn’t want me freaking out over pictures with friends and stuff. She said it in playful way though so hopefully she does. We laughed at how crazy I was for awhile (I still kind of am she just couldn’t tell).
I asked her about her job and I guess she is going back to her old job. We stopped to get gas and I told her I would pay for it as a gift for doing so well in life. Overall it kind of felt like old times, she let me put my hand on her leg and her hand but I didn’t keep them there long because I wanted to keep it light. It just seemed right at the time.
There is tons of stuff we talked about but one thing she did mention is that it couldn’t have worked while she was in treatment because we both were in the wrong mental state and her life was demanding, which is true. Really the only thing slightly negative thing that was said in my eyes is that she was slightly hesitant to come see me because she didn’t want me to think we were going to talk all the time, get back together, or hangout all of the time. I was like duh, there is no way we are getting back together after hanging out once. Then she said if I wanted to get back together right now you totally would, I told her no way and then we kind of laughed. She made it clear we are both single though. I wouldn’t expect any different. We even talked about both of our views of that stupid wedding and I told her I should have taken my nephew to sucker her in. She said she totally would have gone for that. I said hell it would have helped me not be so clingy and stay so long.
The one thing I wish I would have kind of followed up on was celebrating my birthday and her sobriety. I was like we still need to go out and do that. Then she said she is busy tomorrow and it seemed like she was trying to think of days we could go but we never planned on an official day which I imagine is fine. I kind of wish I could have told her lets go Saturday but didn’t. So I guess I will just let her contact me from here. That’s probably the best way to go about it don’t you think? The time we spent together flew by and I was kind of nervous so some of it seems like a blur. It was like seeing one of my best friends again and we could talk about anything. I asked her if she had gone on any dates and she was like I did with one guy but he was a douche and we didn’t do anything and I don’t talk to him. It was honestly kind of hard not to be open. I just didn’t want to play any games and be real and sincere. This post probably makes it sound way one sided but there was a lot of talking. I asked her if she missed me and she was like yeah, you just don’t stop loving somebody. It was hard to say goodbye to her when she dropped me off because I wanted to spend more time with her. Overall I kept it pretty cool and tried not to be clingy at all and I don’t think I was even if it sounds like it. She talked a lot too and it just wasn’t questions on my end. So now what to do from here? I honestly don’t even know what to think at this point. I mean it could have been her just testing the waters? I guess I am happier even if we are just friends or on a talking level. It was hard to seem like I wasn’t selling myself. She was surprised that I went to therapy and asked how many times but I never got to answer. Today was the last thing I expected but I can’t get my hopes up for any thing more. Sorry this is so long. I just feel like I would update you and ask what now? I’m still going to date other girls because the future isn’t certain between us.
So when I wrote that yesterday I was pretty excited and had barley got dropped off at home. Overall everything still went good but wish I would have showed her my change a little bit more and talked about what I had been doing. She told me a lot about her. So she ended up texting me this last night.
“It was great seeing you today. Warms my heart that you are doing good.” I ended up replying with “It was great seeing you today too! Have fun at Mike Posner. Let me know how it goes. Don’t be a groupy ?.” The Mike Posner part waa in reference to the piano player for Mike Posner giving her VIP tickets to his second shown last night. We joked about her being a groupy when we hungout.
Anyway,I’m still stuck on what to do now? I mean it’s good she text me last night. I really want to ask her out again this weekend but don’t want to be pushy or clingy. What’s your take? Give it a few days and maybe ask during the week to hangout next weekend?
The text sounds like she was glad to see you and things went well. So far, so good, but you need to take it slow!! Don’t ask her out this weekend. Maybe next weekend, but only ask once. And don’t make her feel bad or moan about it if she can’t go, just accept it gracefully and say okay. Then after that, let her be the one to mention going out… I know you’re excited and happy about this, but please don’t overwhelm her with texts and asking her to go out!! Or you will appear needy and clingy again.
I think you hit the nail right on the head with how to go about it. Ok so here is another question. I haven’t talked to her since Thursday night when I replied to her text. Is it bad to make small talk with her and ask how the concert went or how her day is going? There is a big electronic music festival going on here and I kind of want to show her I’ve changed and I’m not going. She would like that. Or should I just wait later in the week when I ask her to go eat. I guess I’m kind of missing her right now.
My gosh, I don’t think you will ever change and you’re still obsessing! You don’t even know how to go slow and easy. You still want to pester her with too many texts! You don’t need to small talk about her concert or her day or the electronic music festival. Wait 'till later in the week, like maybe Tuesday or Wednesday to ask her for next weekend. Do you think you can do no contact until then? If you contact her first before that, you will appear as a very pitiful needy person.
Thank you for laying it out for me and saying it bluntly. Gosh, I thought I had changed but I start thinking a lot and get the urge to contact her. I knew if I asked you, I would hear what I already knew the answer to. Part of it was I got on social media and started snooping. I seriously need to get a handle on that because it only tortures myself and makes it harder. I haven’t contacted her but I did like a comment she made on social media towards a friend that was struggling earlier today. I can handle no contact until Wednesday.
So I wrote some of this message and was going to come back to finish it and she just messaged me a picture of some chips I like saying “found them”. So I asked where and she said Walmart. I don’t want to spark up a conversation and drag it out. Obviously she was thinking of me. I need t stick to the original plan but she’s not making it easy. What the best way to go about things like this.
It’s sad she still has such an effect on me. I wanted to go to that concert but decided I would impress her and also save money. Kind of regretting that decision now.
Forget the concert. You have to impress her one day at a time by not being a nag. I’m glad she contacted you about the chips as it’s a positive sign, but please try to keep all communications to a minimum. In other words, don’t drag out the conversations! When she contacts you first, just be polite and make the messaging short. By dragging it out, you show your neediness. Let her be the one to guide the conversation and stick to the subject. Don’t get side tracked, or ramble on about stuff, and don’t ask to go out until Wednesday.
I hope you can be strong enough… Good luck:)
Ok so I kept our conversation short the Saturday night after she text me about the chips. I didn’t mention the concert at all but she brought it up. She asked “how was Das” which was the electronic show and then I told her I didn’t go. She said “that’s a first”. I then mentioned that I gave somebody a ride their and it looked busy though. Our conversation ended after that and I didn’t keep it going.
So today since is Tuesday and I figured I would ask about the weekend before she made plans with her girls at a meeting tonight. I feel a lot less stressed than I did a few weeks ago. Maybe because we are talking again?
I tried to not drag out our conversation at all. This is what was said:
Me: Good morning XXX . How is your day going?
Her: Hey shit head (she was joking).
Her: I’m going to the gym right now.
Me: Look at you buff stuff.
Me: I’m going to the gym later too! There is no gym emoji .
Me: Want to do something this weekend?
Her: Like what?
Me: Go hiking, get sushi, go to lagoon! Something fun! Hell, maybe even go on a bike ride to pc for food!
(Lagoon is like six flags)
She never replied to the last message and I left it at that. I figured she got to the gym and started working out. I wish I would have kept the conversation a little shorter by not giving options of what to do but honestly all of that sounded like fun. I probably should have stuck to sushi like we talked about when we hung out, but it seems like there is more exciting stuff to do on a weekend besides eat. I tried to keep it short and not ramble. Although I feel like I should have been a little more specific about what we were doing on the weekend or said what would you want to do? Reading it now, it sounds like I am literally open to doing anything which isn’t good because it could come off as desperate. Oh well I guess. She may message back at some point. I could tell she read the message just like last time. If anything I figured we were still on joking terms like we last Thursday when we went for a car ride. Hind sight is 20/20 and it’s not like our conversation went bad. I’ll let her contact me.
So I hungout with my ex again today. We went and got lunch, then went to the mall. It went really good. We linked arms for a bit, laughed, and I gave her a kiss on the cheek when I dropped her off. She messaged me and said hanging out with me brought back some of feelings and she feels bad because I bought her some shoes and she doesn’t want to lead me on. She said she felt kind of depressed after I left. We’ve been messaging back and she said she had a connection with me and had fun. I’m way level headed now and had fun with her. It’s strange to see how this is all playing out. I told her we don’t need to give it a title as just friends, or anything more and see where it goes. It seems like we are on the fringe of dating again. It’s crazy how this is all playing out. Last night she told me she has been missing me. Just thought I would give you an update.
Things are taking a turn a little bit different than I thought they were. How do I go about her saying she wants to be friends and is worried about leading me on? I haven’t said anything about us dating. More of a, just go with the flow style. She said doesn’t want to date anyone right now and is afraid of giving me hope and leading me on. Should I continue to tall and hangout with her. I know I have to start somewhere and have made progress. I wouldn’t expect to date after hanging out twice.
I wish I could edit my post on here. So essential she said she cares about me and doesn’t want to hurt me. I am clueless on how about to go about this. I feel like our conversation has already got to deep. Any advice would be appreciated.
I’m surprised that you don’t know what to do. But there’s an expression: “Can’t see the forest for the trees” which is used to refer to someone who is so wrapped up and involved in the small details of a problem that they can’t look at the situation as a whole. I think that’s why the advice on this forum to and from different people helps. Okay, very first thing… don’t fall back into your old habit of dragging out text messages or phone conversations! Or asking to see her so much and so often! No questions about where you stand with each other.
I’m very happy to hear your outing with her was fun and you both enjoyed it. When she says things like “I don’t want to lead you on” or “I want to be friends” just say, “I understand”. That’s it. Don’t go on about it and make it complicated! When you think about it, hanging out is in a sense a date, but it does not matter in the least what you call it! Be content and enjoy spending time with each other when you can and stop talking about it as hanging out or dating. If she asks what it is, just say “we are simply enjoying our time together”. Drop all conversations about where things might or might not lead. She said she enjoyed her time with you and she misses you. That’s a great start and you absolutely must take it very slow with her!! From now on, do not bring up emotionally charged issues or hopes for a future relationship or anything like that! If she says something related to your “situation”, don’t make a big deal of it, just nod or agree or whatever… The main thing is relax and enjoy! Show her a good time and be sweet and thoughtful. Just be yourself without the nagging part, lol. And no serious questions or remarks to put pressure on her. Like you said, go with the flow…
Thank you for the great advice. I need to have a plan going forward. It seems to make it easier for me. I think your analogy about the forest and being so caught up on the small things totally applies. If I look at the situation as a whole, things are actually starting to improve. Ok, that is great advice; I totally won’t fall into blowing her up with texts or dragging out our conversations. Last week she didn’t make that extremely easy because she was asking questions like “what do you like about me?” It seemed like she wanted to chat and would start a conversation every so often. I will stay strong and continue to keep the conversation short between us.
So previously when I have asked her out, I have asked her if she “wanted to do something during the weekend”. I have been very careful not to phrase it as “hanging out” because I feel like that’s more of what friends do. Either way, you are right, hanging out, dating, no matter what you call it is all kind of the same thing. I am not going to lie, the only part I felt like I messed up during our time spent together Friday was at a moment when I over thought a little bit and asked her if we just went on a date. I have no idea why I asked her this besides I think I was a little jealous she went on a date with somebody else so I wanted to see what she would say. She responded with, I don’t know? I didn’t really think to put a title on it or anything. I agreed and changed the subject after saying I thought maybe it was or something to that extent (I can’t remember exactly). Either way, all of the touching that happened and conversation was more than friends even though we kept it light. Thankfully she jokingly called me weird and we laughed so it’s not a huge hiccup.
I won’t make that mistake again because I feel like that may have provoked the texts she sent me after I dropped her off about “not knowing what she wants, and not wanting to lead me on”,” that she cares about me and doesn’t want to hurt me”, etc. That was all said in our messaging back and forth. Essentially I did what you recommended in your message even before you sent it :), I just said let’s not give it a title and just base things off the reality of it. “We had fun, we enjoyed each other’s company, let’s just go from there and see what happens”. She told me I could ask her anything and I did ask if she was seeing anyone, she replied no and she wants to be alone. I told her I totally respect that and since she isn’t seeing anyone she doesn’t need to be afraid of leading me on and let’s keep it simple and just go with the flow. From here on out, I will apply everything from your last message and won’t bring up anything emotionally charged.
I really did enjoy her company and I could tell she enjoyed mine. We had a good time together and overall I couldn’t have asked for it to go much better. Even discussing things from the past went over smoothly and she apologized for a few things and I did too.
So there hasn’t been any contact between us since Friday when she didn’t respond to my last message. I know she saw it but didn’t respond. No big deal though because this has happened a few times over the last month and we end up talking. I’m not going to freak out over this. So here is a question, how do I approach talking to her and when should I ask her to go out again? Last week I asked her about doing something during the weekend on Wednesday. I really want to ask her about going on a hike this Friday but am hesitant. I wouldn’t ask until this Wednesday if I did. Should I follow the trend and ask on Wednesday or give it another week unless I hear from her? Also, is small talk a bad thing? I feel like I am kind of doing no contact right now.
She added me on social media Friday which is also a positive thing. I haven’t liked any of her pictures or anything out of fear of moving too fast.
Sorry my last post was so long. You don’t have to read it. I just had a lot on my mind. So I guess my real questions are. Is it ok to like her photos on Facebook she posts (not all but ones I do like), make small talk but keep it short if I ever do? Is it OK to ask her tomorrow to go out this weekend or should I wait another week. It’s been no contact since Friday. I don’t want to be pushy, smothering, or needy or anything like that and know I need to take it slow so I am hesitant. Mainly asking her out is the issue I am struggling with.
You just saw her last Friday. Asking her out again so soon is smothering and needy for sure. And that’s not taking it slow, is it? Why do you keep doing this? You’re putting so much pressure on her when she needs to be more focused on her recovery. Liking one or two photos on Facebook is fine I guess, but don’t overdo it. Small talk is fine, but do not initiate it so much as in the past because it shows extreme clinging behavior!
Today was a rough day for me overall. I wish I would have read your response four hours sooner. I ended up snooping on Facebook and driving myself crazy. Then I finally said what the hell, I might as well make small talk and ask her to do something this weekend. So like an idiot I did exactly that. It didn’t go horrible, but not great either.
I told her I was just thinking of how much fun I had with her last week. She said that she had fun too, etc. When I asked her out she said she might spend the weekend at her grandmas. I briefly asked her what she was doing out in our parents home town and she said just visiting and helping her grandma out. I then realized what the hell I was doing and kind of panicked and tried to end the conversation but also told her I was meeting with a graduate school advisor next week and would probably grab football tickets and asked if she wanted to go. She didn’t respond to that but later she sent me some funny video of a person and I said “haha that’s you”. She responded with “it totally is”. I ended the conversation there. I need to stay the hell off Facebook because it makes me anxious and react. I deleted the app off my phone to help with this. Plus I made myself anxious because I was counting down the days until I wanted to talk to her.
I totally agree with you. By asking her out I made myself look way smothering and needy. I decided I need to probably give it a few weeks to get myself together and go no contact unless she contacts me. This is for my own sanity and it also gives her some space too and won’t make me look so needy. I haven’t constantly made small talk or liked photos thankfully, but I think I just need to let myself calm down and go with the flow. I didn’t take it slow today. Some space could be good. Do you agree? I know I am not in a horrible spot but I don’t want to push things and need a break from the games. Or do you think it’s better to keep in touch and just not over do it and go slow? I can be strong and do that too.
As far as her recovery, I think she is pretty much done with the program and they may have offered her a job. She hasn’t set a date when she will leave her sober living because of the pressure, but she can’t accept the job until she leaves. I’m guessing she stays for a few more months at least.
Yes space is good, pestering her is not. You asked her out and she has other plans with grandma, but you didn’t stop there. You asked if she wanted to go to a football game. You’re almost like a stalker who is obsessed and can’t back off, who continually injects yourself into her life. Why don’t you leave her alone and let her contact you when she wants to? Then short replies. I know you’re having a difficult time keeping your distance. Try more self control and see what happens.
I will give her some space. Especially since I know I won’t be seeing her this weekend. I just missed her after hanging out with her last weekend and creeping on Facebook made that a lot worse. Just a point of clarification, the football game I asked her about is next weekend. Once she told me she was hanging out with her grandma I didn’t continue to ask her out this weekend. I shouldn’t have asked her about next weekend either way. I just wanted to clarify that I did respect that she essentially said no to hanging out this weekend and I didn’t keep asking.
I would say I was defiantly obsessing over Facebook yesterday though. It sucked me in and I looked at her page a bunch until I realized I was only torturing myself. Although I shouldn’t have asked her out until next weekend, I figured it was worth a shot. I mean she could have said yes. It was five days since I last talked to her and it felt like a long time. The reality is, if you want to spend time with someone you find the time for it. Apparently I was wrong and she doesn’t want to hangout. So I am going to keep my distance and keep pushing forward and see what happens. I will defiantly work on self-control.
If I don’t hear from her and ever decide to contact her or ask her out, how long should I wait? I was thinking at least two weeks, a month or even longer? I need some time to figure out exactly what I want. I know if I make small talk with her she will respond but what’s the point in that? She keeps me close, but not to close. We aren’t on bad terms, but maybe she really doesn’t know what she wants.
Yes, whenever she doesn’t want to go out with you, don’t keep nag about it. Just say, “Okay, maybe another time” and leave it at that!!! If she doesn’t want to go to the football game, just drop the subject and don’t mention it again!! You’re right, small talk doesn’t mean much and it’s not satisfying for you, so don’t do it very often. If she contacts you first with small talk, just make very short nice replies without dragging it out or asking to meet up!! Wait at least a month before you initiate a contact and wait at least that long before you ask her out again. Stalking Facebook is a bad idea and you know that, so try to have enough self control not to do it. At least don’t look everyday and do not linger there, just glance and get off the page. Wish you good luck and stay focused on yourself.