No worries, even if it’s harsh it needs to be said. I don’t want to be smothering. It’s just being in a position where there is nothing I can do besides sit back see what happens. I guess the fear about her just forgetting about me if don’t do anything gets me. The whole concept of the letter was to say sorry for how I acted during the relationship and didn’t treat her great and also for blowing her up and that I have came over past issues with the help of therapy. Through self growth and time I am a better man and realize what I want in life ect. And also how I want to be positive with each other. I mean after writing that it sounds like you said “I am trying to sell myself”. Really I just wanted to make her curious about me. I thought about sending it in the near future but that’s probably not a good idea. You are right though, she doesn’t want to be bothered. If she wanted to talk to me she would. I guess I just don’t get it :(. How long no contact should I go? Forever? I heard my friend commented on her stuff and said they should get coffee so I was like what the hell. So I looked at her facebook on a friends page and it looks like she has just been hanging out with her rehab girls. It made me mad about my good friend asking her to coffee so asked him about it. The comment on the post seemed flirty. He said it was just as friends or whatever but agreed it sounded sketchy to hangout with a friends ex. It just upset me.
Yes the only thing you can do it sit back and see what happens. She won’t forget you. How could she, with all the pestering and smothering you’ve done. It’s a horrible idea to send a letter. You’ve already tried to sell yourself and if she was curious about you, she would ask. She doesn’t want to be bothered by you and you still don’t get it. Leave her alone! Yes, no contact forever. If there ever comes a day when she reaches out to you, then go from there, but you need to seriously consider moving on. Don’t be bitter and stop trying to understand why things turned out the way they did. You’re still obsessing. You’re still checking her Facebook. You’re still hoping for something that probably won’t ever happen.
So I figured I would give it some time to pull myself together more before I replied to you. Everything you said in your last message was completely true. I understand that I was blowing her up and honnestly not getting a response only hurt me. Its been two weeks since I have attempted to contact her. It’s been filled with ups and downs. I went back to my old therapist that I related to more and she is awesome.
I am still working on letting things go and not obsessing. My ex from eight years ago wants me back and I’m just not ready for that. I’m trying to let my hope fade.
Today I kind of have anxiety and this is why. You are going to day I’m still holding on a little bit and perhaps that is true. My friend that is a girl and is friends with ex went to dinner and hungout with her awhile and then ended up coming over to my house and hungout for awhile and mentioned that they talked about me and told me about their conversations. The conversation was mostly goof but also has a little bad. My said she will always have love for me and that she thinks about me sometimes and misses me. She also feels bad about blocking my on facebook and has wanted to unblock me at times so I can see how good she is doing but thought that would be cruel because who wants to see their ex’s pictures. Unfortunately, my friend told her that I used my roomates facebook to look at her page once and I guess my ex was like Aww that is cute. It sucks because I don’t want her think I’m still stuck on her becsuse I truly am moving forward. She also asked if I ended up going to California and said she felt bad for not going and asked if I got the tickets refunded. My friend told her that I was able to get the vouchers back but couldn’t get her name off and they are valid for a year so who knows what could happen in a year and my ex seemed open to it. Also, my ex isn’t daring anybody. I guses some guy from a addiction meeting got her number and they went on one date and she didn’t like him. My friend said that most of the girls in the house were dating or having sex with people but my ex said she is the only one that isn’t and is planning on holding out on dating on sex and dating for a year because those are the rules. Who knows if thry will hold up but it’s not my problem. Really the only bad she did have to say about me is that 6 months into the relationship she said she loved me and I said nothing back. I don’t even remember this. Also, she said that now things are over I’ve been trying really hard and doing everything she wanted me to do back then we were together. That and I guess I never use to call her beautiful enough and what not. She is loving life in there and it doesn’t sound like she has plans to get out anytime soon. Hearing all of that makes me wonder why the hell she gave me the silent treatment or maybe no contact is working? My friend told her I don’t drink and party as much and seem to be doing good. I just feel like my ex got an update on me and I just wanted her to know I was moving on which I truly am trying to do. It kind of took the wonder out of it. I’ve been staying active and improving myself. I know thst sounds like I’m holding on to her and I do love her still but I have to keep moving forward. What’s your take on all of that? It sounds like some of her anger has faded a little. It’s strsnge becsuse my friend said my ex acted or believed that she hadn’t been mesn to me.
One more thing. I like hearing all of that kind of pulled me back in. Obviously more waa said then I can write. My friend is hanging out with her again and said she will put in good words. I just don’t know if it’s even a good thing. Oh and my ex repeated th I’ve been in relationships most of my life I need time for myself. My previous ones were toxic. I think well duh, if drugs are involved of course they were. Overall it was good to hear she is doing great. And also accepted a tag of me on Facebook. I’m going to continue to pursue othee girls I find interesting. I can’t wait for this to play out. I’m not doing that and obsessing like before.
I don’t think it’s wise to get information from this girl or for her to pass on info about you. This and using your roommates Facebook to look at her page are signs that you’re still stuck on her. You say you’re moving on, but your stuck. Moving on is accepting the reality that the relationship is over. You haven’t done that fully. You’re still “wondering” about things too. Everything your ex said is in the past, but sounds like you’re using it to give you more hope again. So if you want to keep holding onto a glimmer of hope, do so, but it’s making you miserable whether you admit it or not.
I’m glad your ex is doing well. Who knows what will happen later, even much later.
Good luck and take care of yourself…
That’s so true. I felt like I had moved quite a bit forward. Met new girls, hungout with a few, but hearing the information that was passed on to me from my friend made me question, and wonder. I don’t miss this feeling at all. It kind of sucked me back in and I don’t want to be where I was two weeks ago or go or even two months ago. So you are right, all of what she said is in the past and really it doesn’t matter. Her bringing it up last night obviously means she hasn’t let that stuff go. Ugh, it sounds like I am assuming things. I realized holding on to a glimmer and hope has made me miserable. Hope is a dangerous thing. Trust me, I’m working on accepting the reality of the situation and not living in the past. I feel like I have came a long way and accept it for what it is. Who knows if I will even want to date her in a few more weeks. I don’t see her contacting me anytime soon. Maybe I haven’t moved on completely but I’m starting too. At least I better be. Would you say moving on is not caring at all anymore? Like how I feel abut my old ex? She wants me back but I don’t want to date her.
I’m kind of in panic mode on what to respond to this. So I went out with the mutual friend of mine and my ex last night to a party. We ended up taking a picture together and we decided she would post it on Facebook. My ex just unblocked me, told my friend she looked beautiful and the said “hi my name”. Then there were a few comments and my friend was like I don’t think he can see that. Then my ex said " haha" and probably unblocked me. I know I need to keep my response short like “hi xxx, I hope you are doing well”. I’m so nervous. I plan on just keeping focus and trying to move forward but this breaks my no contact. Last time I messeged her 2 weeks ago I said I was taking time for myself. I shouldn’t ask how she is should I? It’s better if she keeps the conversation going if she was to and I keep it close ended?
She ended up liking my comment and then responded an hour later saying "Hey xxx, everything is all good here. This just seems so strange. She text my mutal friend a sing if we talked about her. She also said she prays she doesn’t have to delete me again. I want to keep it light and am wondering if I should even reply and maybe wait a week and tell her congratulations on making it six months being sober.
More social media shenanigans … when will it ever end?
Yes wait a week to congratulate her on her sobriety.
Hopefully all of the shenanigans end sooner or later because I can’t let this stuff drive me crazy anymore it’s so unhealthy. This time I didn’t even reach out to her,she contacted me so that doesn’t even make sense. I just don’t want to have hope when I shouldn’t. Why would she contact me?
I guess essential what I am saying is, going through this has gotten old, tiresome and dragged out. If things could workout it would be worth it, if not, I don’t want to put myself through this. I want to be at peace and accept the reality of the situation. Am I setting myself up for more heartache? I’m tired of wondering, being sad, having anxiety, hanging on to hope when it’s not there. I just want to enjoy the rest of the summer.Sorry to post twice, writting this and hearing your take on things helps me.
Stop posting pictures of yourself and other girls on social media if you want to have a chance with her. Yes you’re setting “somebody” up.
Have a great remainder of the summer.
I am sorry to keep bothering you and I am sure you are to the point where you are thinking what does this guy not get? His ex is over him and he needs to MOVE ON. (I am trying). You are my voice of reason and I try to apply everything you tell me. I know I shouldn’t get information through my friend and should stop. Although this time I feel like it kind of helped me understand what my ex thought about me while we weren’t talking and possibly influenced her to make contact with me. But who knows if my friend truly tells me the whole story.
Let me jump straight to my question to try and keep this short. Even though my ex broke my vow of silence/taking time for myself the other day on social media (I was 2 weeks and going strong). I kept my responses short and close ended which went well. Mainly so she could keep the conversation going if she wanted. Like you said in your last message, wait until Monday to congratulate her on her six months of sobriety which I planned on doing.
So yesterday I noticed she transferred me $100 that she owes me. I didn’t say anything to her about it. Today she messaged me using social media and we had the following small conversation:
Her: I put $100 in your account yesterday. I have paid $200 so far. I still owe you $400. I’m trying my hardest to get you paid back.
Me: Thank you! How are you doing?
Her: I’m good. You?
Me: I’m doing great. How is life treating you?
Her: Life is amazing! I’m grateful! Picking up my 6 months chip on the 10th with a friend that has 6 months too.
Me: Congratulations . I am so proud of you! Monday is six months from the day you went to rehab.
Her: Yes.
Her: 6 months from all mind altering substances.
Her: Anyways, have a good day. I have to run.
Me: I bet that is such a great feeling.
Me: Me too! I will talk to you later.
I tried to keep everything light and short again. I was shocked she was being nice so I asked my friend if she said anything else the other day after unblocking me besides that she prays she doesn’t have to block me again and asking if we talked about her. I guess my ex also asked our mutual friend if I asked her to look at my ex’s pictures of her on social media when the two of us hung out. My friend said she showed me one picture of the two of them together and seemed disappointed I didn’t ask to see her pictures. This all just seems so strange to me that she has made contact twice. Especially the first time since it wasn’t related to her owing me money.
What do I do from here? I know I need to keep everything light and friendly and I am not even sure when to even talk to her again since I congratulated her on six moths sober already. I just don’t want to be right where I was before with pressuring her to hangout and sounding needy/smothering. But at the same time I want to kind of ask her if she wants to go to a concert to celebrate her sobriety. Is that a horrible idea? Or should I just let things go for a while? She loves the artist that is performing at the concert and he is playing two nights and I think she is going to one of the shows in our city but I would want to take her to the other one in a ski resort town. My birthday is Sunday which is the same day as the concert so I was thinking if she messages me to say happy birthday, I could ask her then but that’s short notice. Perhaps I should go back to being silent for a while and start small talk in the future and then lead into getting coffee if she makes contact. Your advice would be much appreciated. Sorry for rambling on.
Let things go for a long while. If she’s already going to one of the concerts, don’t ask her to the other one. Small talk later might be fun, but never drag conversations on and on. It makes it seem like you’re clinging on for dear life and can’t let go. Making you seem desperate.
Why don’t you leave it up to her to ask to meet for coffee. I know you think she never will, but you might be surprised. Of course it might take a very long time, but it would be her idea instead of you causing her pressure by asking.
You were right about this being a long process. My ex wished me happy birthday and we had made small talk once or twice over the last few days. She saw a picture of me on social media and she thought I had a hicky on my neck which I didn’t. I could tell she was pretty jelous over the thought of it. She also messeged our mutal friend that was with me to ask her too. I found it kind of funny. She went to her concert and it was canceled because of lighting but she got to meet the famous performer which was cool. Early this morning I text her to tell her congratulations for being clean for six months. Everything felt like it was going good so I asked if I could take her to the 2nd concert on Thursday since hers got rained out. She said she would think about it but after talking for a bit she said she has a house meeting on Thursday and wouldn’t be able to go. I told her that her meeting was important and that maybe we could just do sushi instead to celebrate sometime this week. I’m still a little nervous but it seems like we are on talking terms again and you have to start somewhere. I took your advice and tried ending the conversation because I felt like we were dragging it on. So I guess the ball is in her court. I just have to remember to take it slow. I am tired of the games and am trying to be genuine. My counsler made me realise I was buying into her games and that I was playing them back. Im done with that. If she texts me back to go to sushi then we will. As much as I enjoyed talking to her, I know I can’t keep messaging her. It’s strange how this has all played out. In a sense, I think she is keeping me where she wants me.
Yes, you have a tendency to drag out text conversations on and on to a sickening degree! Why don’t you stop posting pictures? It seems you’re try to bait her…
You’re still smothering her texting and by asking to meet up. Hope she goes. But don’t be shocked if she doesn’t want to…
I haven’t posted any of the pictures on social media. We aren’t even friends on their. Other people are posting them and I am just in them. So I’m not trying to bait her at all. I feel like I kind did drag out our conversation this morning but tried to end it once it felt like it was getting long. The last few days she is the one that reached out to me so I figured it could be a good to to ask her out? I feel like I kind of did smother her by asking her to hangout more than once but the opportunity seemed to present itself ya know. It’s seemes like she is playing games to me, doesn’t want me to wander to far but doesn’t want me too close either? What’s the best way to handle that situation? Go back to no contact?
One more question, how come it is bad to keep a conversation going? I can see why you should end it if it gets boring, but couldn’t talking build up to hanging out and something more eventually? Or is it because my ex for example knows she could have me back.
You and your friend put up that picture, knowing she would probably see it. You could have asked her not to put it up, but you didn’t. That’s why I said it seems you’re trying to bait her…
You already congratulated her on 6 month sobriety a week ago. You’ve made small talk a few times since then and again you ask her out. She said she would think about the concert, but then came up with an excuse “Oh, house meeting, can’t go”. (LOL) Then you ask her out for sushi sometime this week. Apparently she didn’t give you an answer on the phone because she needs time to come up with a different excuse. Sorry if I sound cynical, but you’ve made small talk many times (nice or not) and it always leads nowhere! You’ve continued to smother her by asking to see her many times, always with the same result, NO. Remember I once suggested letting HER be the one to ask to see you? That way you would know it’s her idea and that she really wants to see you. It might take a long time or maybe it would never happen, but at least you wouldn’t be begging her like a dog for a bone.
It’s ridiculous to keep a conversation going on and on and on! Like I said before, it’s like you hang onto every conversation for dear life and can’t seem to let it go. It makes you look desperate, needy, and pitiful. And it NEVER ever lead to anything else! Maybe you think if you nag her enough, she will relent and give in. It’s nice to catch up, but there’s a limit. Long conversations are more for people who just met and are getting to know each other. Or in person with family and friends etc… NOT on the phone with an ex.
With this picture I had no control over it being posted or not. The girl that posted it I haven’t seen in five years and I can’t tell someone just to post a picture because my ex-girlfriend will see it. I didn’t even know they knew each other. Perhaps that is true with the pictures that the mutual friend of mine and my ex posted, but even then I don’t feel like I should have to stop them from posting pictures. It’s simple, if my ex doesn’t want to see it she could have not looked for it. I am teaching myself that to this day and it’s hard.
Just some small points of clarification, all contact between and my ex have been through social media private messages. The telephone would be the preferred method for talking but we haven’t talked on the phone in months. I have made small talk a few times, mainly with congratulating her a few times about her sobriety after she had already contacted. The only time I have contacted her without her making contact first would have been on Saturday and Monday. My logic was she contacted me more than once to say happy birthday.
As far as the concert goes, I defiantly was a little bit pushy there and eventually she did say I will think about it and came up with that excuse about “a house meeting”. Sushi was my second attempt to get her to go out with me but she ignores the question but continues to talk to me with disregarding my question. You are right though, my attempts to hang out with her have led to nowhere each and every time. I am begging, its way less intense than it was months ago essentially it’s just through small talk but it has gotten old and this whole process has become really unhealthy for me.
I don’t feel like our conversations have been extremely long since we started talking again. Maybe 5-10 messages back on forth. Some of the messages are longer but mainly the ones she has sent to me. So I guess, how long is too long for a conversation? I don’t want to look desperate or clingy and I think asking her to hangout more than once makes me look clingy. I need to treat her like any other person. Maybe letting her ask to hangout like you said is the best bet.
The thing is, she is playing games and it’s not fair to me. It’s like if she think I am getting to far away she contacts gets my attention somehow or contacts me. We are building a base to talk on, but what’s the point if it’s not going to lead to seeing each other in person? Or she gets mad about seeing a picture where she thinks there is a hicky on my neck, texts me angry and jealous saying she hopes I got some action for my birthday. Then after establishing it wasn’t a hicky on my neck and I ask her to hangout for the first time about sushi, she stops messaging. Before this she was messaging me happy birthday. It all feels and sounds like games to me and it’s having a negative impact on me. For example yesterday, while we were messaging, I feel like she said something to make me jealous when we talked about her meeting the famous person. I didn’t respond to it. Then we were joking around changing her “nick name” back and forth in the private social media message. She changes it to “xxx Hug N Kiss”. I eventually said, “Did you finally settle on your nickname, because I can think of a few more…” That happened after asking about sushi and of course she didn’t respond to either. So it’s all just games, I get to far and she reels me in. At this point I feel like letting her ask me to hangout, or just going straight no contact is my best bet. I can’t keep doing this. I’m tired of the games and wondering if I responded to something wrong. If she wanted to hang out with me she would just say yes. That’s how I feel as of today at least. Dating is supposed to be easy not hard. Just to clarify, I did ask her about the second concert like twice, and put a little pressure on her and she said “she would think about it”. I only asked about sushi two times I believe. Maybe three times over a few days. It’s like give answer whether it’s yes or no. Stop playing games! It makes me crazy. Sorry, I am just upset about all of this. I like talking to her but this crap has to stop. What’s your take? No contact? Let her ask me to hangout? I know she won’t she stubborn. I just want to be genuine. These games are bull crap.