I made all of the wrong mistakes. Strange situation.

[sdub]

I am going to try and keep this short and get to the point. You may wonder why I would even want to continue a relationship with my ex girlfriend but I love her and see something in her. This has been a painful long experience and I will try and summarize the best I can but I know I can’t capture everything. We have plane tickets to California booked in July for a vacation and I really want to go. We broke up officially about a month ago.

I have made the majority of the deadly mistakes over the past month or so. Here is a brief summary of my story. I dated my ex for 3 years. In the beginning it wasn’t very serious and honestly at that point and time I didn’t want a girlfriend and was kind of a jerk. We actually stopped talking for about a month or so because she got really clingy and it scared me off. Eventually we started talking again and as time passed about after a year we became serious. I knew in the past she had a drug problem and I believe this is part of the reason I didn’t want to pursue something serious with her early on. We had our disagreements over the three years like everybody does in their relationships but we managed to work through most of our problems. I did a lot of things early on in the relationship that I regret like not inviting her to concerts when I was going out with my friends and what not and I feel like she holds a grudge against me now for it. Also we partied at my apartment and girls would come over and she hated that.

Let me jump forward to the past few months. This is where I ended up really messing up and feel like my shot of getting her back has failed because I have been smothering her and every time I make some progress I take steps backwards a week later. It turns out that my ex started abusing opiates behind my back. Looking back I had no idea how I couldn’t tell. Long story short she ended up checking herself into a two month rehab program. I was proud of her for taking steps to better herself and did not leave her. I supported her through this hard time and drove an hour every Thursday to go to meetings with her on family night. I also went and picked her up on Saturdays/Sundays she could leave rehab on pass. She was able to sleep over one night and everything went great. Rehab seriously helped improve are relationship in lots of ways.

The only downside is that when we would hangout I would bring up negative things from the past which I have realized were insecurities on my part. Mainly sexual things that happened in the past with people I knew long before I even knew who she was. I have since gotten over this. Plus it wasn’t like I was an angel in the past. Anyway, after she left rehab she joined a sober living program where she lives with several girls in a house. I guess I was under the assumption that life would go back to normal after she left the rehab. I was wrong, she was so busy going to recovery meetings, working, and hanging out with girls in her house I barley saw her. Ultimately she ended up telling me that she loved me but just didn’t have time for a boyfriend right now. She needed time to focus on herself and that she had been in relationships for much of her life and that she wanted to find herself. When she was done with her sober living program she hoped that we could date. Until then she wanted to go on dates and keep it more as friends (which I was hard for me). It hurt hearing this because I felt like I supported her through all of the hard times and I was getting kicked to the curb. I know the counselors she met with every week at sober living helped influence this because she would repeat things they said and eventually they never told her to dump me but pointed towards it. Her rehab counselor loved me and met be but her sober living counselor only heard the negative things from our past so I think she didn’t like me based on past events.

Eventually she ended up telling me she needed space. Which made my flight or fight instincts kick in and I would text her emotional texts confessing my love etc. This mainly happened when I was out drinking with friends two weekends in a row. After the first time this happened she message me saying that she was bi-polar with me and couldn’t live with or without me and loved me and wanted to see if I would go visit her family with her the following Monday for Mother’s day. We ended up going to dinner the Friday before we were supposed to go visit family and everything went pretty well. I tried to kiss her a few times and she wasn’t having it and gave me the spill about how she needed to be single for now etc. Although she let me put my hand between her thighs while I was driving my car. I was kind of upset things weren’t how they were before.

The next day after hanging out I wanted to surprise her at work with a red bull and get something to eat because she is a waitress. Man did I show up at the wrong time. Her restaurant was really busy and it was just awkward. Before showing up I tried to call her and her phone would go straight to voicemail so I figured she had either blocked me for no reason or her phone was off. I figured the day before went well so there would be no reason to block my number. After talking to her while I was eating at the restaurant it turns out she did block my number because somebody kept calling her from a phone APP that would generate fake numbers and she thought it was me. It wasn’t at all. She was kind of rude at her work. It kind of hurt my feelings. Later that night she called to apologize for being rude earlier and that she needed some space and I wasn’t giving her that. Anyway, the Monday rolled around that we were supposed to go visit our families for mother’s day so I called her. She didn’t answer and ended up sending me a text saying we needed to go our separate ways and that I am a great guy she just doesn’t have time for me right now and I need to date somebody like myself. I literally turned into an emotional train wreck and sent her really long texts and left her tons of voicemails. Eventually I stopped calling and trying to get a hold of her because I knew she wouldn’t pick up or reply.

A few days later I found this website and started applying everything I read. Sadly I only applied no contact for 2 weeks. During this time I went to church, went to a therapist , hit the gym, which I found to be beneficial. I figured the circumstances of each relationship were different and two weeks was long enough because I was worried in sober living she might meet somebody new or forget about me since she was never truly alone. I messaged her saying sorry for letting my emotions get the best of me and asked if I could get a few things back that she had of mine before I go on vacation June 10th. She said yes we agreed that would go get lunch together. It took a few days to finally pick a time to meet up because she was always at meetings or making time for other people. I bought her a shirt which she liked too. Lunch went great; I only discussed positive things and said past mishaps didn’t matter. I told her about the changes I had made and therapy and what not. I asked her if she still loved me and she said “she had love for me” and wasn’t sure which I figured was a start. Later that night, I was out with some friends (bad timing) and she called to clarify that she was in fact in love with me and she just hated to see me going through all of this pain while she was dealing with her issues and knew it hurt me. Also that I should want to change for myself and just not for her. I didn’t really get to respond how I would have liked to because I was busy at the time. Overall lunch went great, I got a call that was positive, and she added me on Facebook.

Throughout the week we text back and forth and she even initiated texting once or twice. I tried to talk to her on the phone throughout the week but she was always busy or supposed to call me back but never did. I talked to her once for like one minute and “she was with her girls” and had to call me back. I tried to call her once more after that and she said she was busy and didn’t want to talk. We were both going to the same wedding over the weekend and I wanted to hangout before hand and she said “maybe” earlier in the week so I guess I was pursing that. I asked her if she wanted to see my nieces and nephew that were coming into town and she said she didn’t want to give them mixed signals and I wasn’t accepting her wishes that she wanted to be alone and I sent her a few pictures of them and she said it made her heart hurt and I was acting like we were together and said what are my intentions. It confused the hell out of me how she said she loved me and nice things a week before and then was cold and distant. I knew I was pushing it.

Well I ended up going to the wedding and she was there with her best friend who is the sister of the groom. I told myself if I went I would keep my cool and follow everything in the five steps but I failed. I wish I would have taken a friend or my nephew with me instead of going alone. She loves my nephew so she would have been around me a ton. I figured the wedding would be packed with people I knew because it was in my home town. When I arrived I didn’t know anybody besides a select few people that were in the wedding. Eventually I walked up to the table my ex ex was sitting at and asked if I could sit with them because I didn’t know anybody. They said sure. We actually started to hit it off pretty well, she said a lot of bad things happened between us in the past and I said that behind us. She then said how much could you really have changed in the past two weeks? I was like I have changed a lot and it hasn’t happened in two weeks. It’s been over a long period of time.

We hung out for a minute and she actually seemed kind of interested. My ex and her friend wanted to go grab a coffee at the nearby gas station. We joked around and it was a good time. We made a joke about how hard I was trying and I managed to weasel my way into hanging out with them. She even said it’s crazy that I can be in the same car as my ex and we can laugh. I gave her a stare down and was like ex? And we laughed. Everything backfired after while though. She eventually got kind of cold on me. I wish I would have just left looking back. She eventually got sick of me following her around. I was waiting for some friends to get there that showed up way late. She called me codependent at the end of the night because I asked her to go grab a drink inside with me and also to walk up to the bathroom. I was so confused. I even sat by her and was in the sun and said damn it’s hot and she told me to go sit on the other end of the table by my friend. It was embarrassing and got really awkward because I thought her and her friend started talking crap about me on the other end of the table. We ended up taking a picture together which she didn’t really want to take. Eventually I decided it was time to leave and I walked up to her while she was taking what I thought was a picture of her friend and this little girl dancing. It turned out to be a video and when I said I was leaving she gave me the hand like get out of here and said she was taking a video. I completely panicked and said sorry I didn’t know.

Then her friend came over and grabbed her phone that the video was on and walked away and I tried to talk to my ex and she said things will never be the same and that so much bad stuff had happened in the past that she has thought about and that I had been following her around all night like a little puppy. I felt so out of my element and embarrassed. She said now is not the place to talk and went back to the table. I could tell she was mad.

It was just so awkward at this point. I waited a minute for my friend and his girlfriend to be ready to leave and hugged my ex’s friend and said bye. Then I said to my ex quietly “are we still going on our California trip on July 28th?”. She said no and I left. I felt so embarrassed and dumb from the night. I didn’t understand how she just went from having fun to being pissed off. I started driving to my parents house and got Facebook message from her that said “I’m sorry but I can’t talk to you anymore. You need to detach yourself from me. Things will never be the same. I wish you well. I’m not going to California. I’ll start paying you back the money I owe you in a month”. Later that night I replied and said sorry if it seemed like I was following her around it was just that I didn’t know anybody and told her I learned from the past and grew from the mistakes I made along with some other stuff. It was a one ended text saying I let my emotions get the best of me again and I wished her well. There was more in the text but you get the point. She deleted me and Facebook too. Earlier in the night she wondered why I started like photos now and not in the past so this might be why. Oh and she got jealous earlier in the night when a girl I knew showed up at the wedding. She was like “now you have a friend here!”. Her friend and I laughed because you could tell she was mad by the tone in her voice. This happened when things weren’t going bad.

I am seriously crushed and have been so depressed living that night over and over again trying to figure out how it went from fun to horrible. Wishing I would have done things different. Wishing I would have left earlier when I was sitting alone at a table by myself for a bit and felt like was intruding. I feel like that she is always surrounded by sober living friends and her best friend so she doesn’t even get to miss me like I get to miss her. She is always busy and doing fun stuff. Plus I think her best friend wants her all for herself. That’s kind of how I felt at the wedding. It has seriously crushed me seeing all of the Facebook posts that she is tagged in doing fun stuff over the past while. I need to stay off facebook.
I know I messed up a lot. Honestly she wasn’t perfect and we both did a lot of crappy things to each other. I just feel like she is so focused on the bad things in the past she doesn’t want to try. I focus on the good things. Things didn’t end badly between us but they turned out bad as time passed.

This has all been really hard for me. I don’t want to go through this again be because every time I talk to her and she tells me to leave her alone it hurts so bad and I go through hell. I want her back though. I also feel like I haven’t really got any closure. I really want to go to California in July with her. When I brought it up when we went to lunch she said no and then seemed open to it by the time I dropped her off. It’s like she’s flip flopping. If you have made it this far any advice would help. I am seriously heartbroken and a mess. I know I have smothered her and didn’t respect her wishes for space. It has been hard. If you have made it this far in reading this any advice would help. I want to hang on but I don’t even know if there is a chance. I feel like I messed up 3 times by being smothering. I go to Cancun this Friday for 9 days so hopefully that gets my mind of things. I wanted her to see my Cancun trip pictures on Facebook so she knows I am out doing stuff but I know that won’t happen now.

[patricia12]

She’s busy with her friends and rehabs things plus she wants to be left alone. I know you’re hurting, but please respect her wishes and don’t contact her. She might not go on the California trip, so don’t be surprised. Maybe you could get a refund on the tickets or take someone else. When you get back from Cancun, don’t contact her. Maybe post the pictures, but don’t wonder if she looks at them or not. And please don’t beat yourself up over what happened at the wedding. It’s past history now. Try to think of all the ways you made her unhappy by what you were saying or doing and improve yourself in those areas. Give her time to sort out her life after getting off drugs. You don’t want to add any pressure to her. Over time, the bad memories of you might fade, and she could remember more of the good. Don’t insert yourself in her life right now … don’t ask to hang out. Try the no contact and see what happens later on. It will take lots of time, but don’t give up just yet. I know it will be hard and sad, but you can do it. Good luck…

[sdub]

Thanks for the response and great advice patricia12. It helped me a lot hearing what you had to say. I apologize for the bad grammar, typos, and punctuation in my initial post. I should have proof read what I wrote before posting it. I think you are totally right about respecting her wishes and leaving her alone. It has been hard to do the past few weeks but I know I have to do it this time. How long would you suggest going with no contact? Should I go thirty days or even longer? Or maybe even let her reach out to me first? I haven’t been in contact with her since the night of the wedding but got on Facebook and realized that she blocked my account two days after the wedding. I mean she already unfriended me the night of the wedding so I don’t know why she would block me a few days later out of nowhere. My only conclusion is she doesn’t want to see me tagged in posts of our mutual friends.

At first I was worried that maybe she didn’t want people tagging her in pictures of us from the wedding because she didn’t want a guy seeing them on her wall or something. Then I realized I was being paranoid and if she was seeing somebody there would be nothing I could do. I hope that isn’t the case though. A few weeks ago she said she isn’t talking to any guys, doesn’t plan to anytime soon, and is enjoying being single. I hope that doesn’t change.

Either way, realizing she blocked me was painful and made me feel like there is no hope in getting back together. I am assuming in the future after time passes if I do contact her first, email or text would be my only available methods. After I get back from Cancun I won’t contact her either. If I do no contact for a while, do you think I should ask her about our California trip when we start talking? I will also start looking into other options like a refund, friends that could maybe go in her place, or not going at all. It is hard not to beat myself up for all of the mistakes I made the night of the wedding but need to forgive myself and quit living in the past. Hanging on has been really painful. I hope over time she starts remembering the good things from our relationship. I know I need to respect that she is trying to get her life back together and focusing on herself. I just wish I could be included in the process like everybody else. That makes it really hard. I just need to get back to focusing on myself, growing, and making positive changes. I just hope my smothering didn’t push her to far away. I don’t get how she could go so cold after 3 years and everything I have gone through with her. It’s not like she didn’t make mistakes in the past either. Thanks again for your response. It’s nice getting someone else’s opinion.

[patricia12]

Don’t fret about Facebook and wonder why she blocked you. It doesn’t mean there’s no hope to get back together. It’s probably more that she wants to be left alone without any reminders of you for now. Anyway, most people who look at that site see things that give them the wrong impression or they jump to conclusions. Just forget Facebook. And don’t worry about other guys. She is totally focused on her rehabilitation and trying to stay strong. The people she’s associating with are probably other rehab people or people who can help her do that. I know you want to help, but right now she doesn’t want it from you and try to accept that without feeling badly about it. Just pray that she succeeds and follows through with the lessons she’s learned.

Stay no contact for a couple of months. Don’t text her or call. Don’t show up at her work. Maybe it’s not a good idea to think of taking her on the trip to California, she probably wouldn’t want to go and it would be too awkward as you might be tempted to quiz her too much about your standing with her this soon after the break up and that would ruin your chances of getting back together someday.

If she contacts you in the meantime or later you contact her, keep it light and upbeat. No negative talk about the past. No pressure talk about the future of a possible reunion. I guess more or less, let her guide the conversation. Don’t ever ask or even wonder why she went cold after 3 years. Even if you knew, it doesn’t help your situation now. And any explanation from her, if she gave one, probably wouldn’t be comprehended or accepted fully. She may not even know exactly why. Remember drugs can mess with the mind.

Someday, if you meet or talk in person, and it seems she’s considering getting back together, that would probably be a good time to discuss your self improvements and ways you could both make each other happy and avoid the mistakes of the past.

[sdub]

You have been so great in helping me level my thoughts. Reading your replies has stopped me from overthinking as much. I wish I would have talked to you sooner. I feel like I would be much better off in the situation I am in. You are 100% correct about Facebook. In a sense it’s better that she blocked me because through this whole ordeal it has made me jump to conclusions, act off emotions, and overall made it a lot harder to give her the space she wanted. Although, I have to admit, I am still kind of sad she blocked me.

I am pretty sure she is only hanging out with rehab friends that are also in recovery. I know they stay pretty busy and active. It seems like they are kind of like a little family from all of the pictures they use to post and from what she would tell me. I guess I am just worried that she is going to move on during this process or forget about me. I have pretty much given up on the California trip and find it highly unlikely she would even want to go especially after not talking for such a long time. If we did go, as of now it would be hard to keep the conversation light. I still have a tiny bit of hope as time passes that maybe she will reach out and want to go but there is no point in getting my hopes up.

I know you are right about sticking to no contact for a few months. Honestly the last few days have been pretty tough. Hopefully it gets easier with time. Today I have missed her quite a bit. It is tough knowing you can’t talk to one of your best friends for a long time. It makes me wonder how it is so easy for her? I know her recovery is her main focus and it should be but do you think it would be possible for her to move on so quickly? Maybe so if she is only focused on the bad. I’ve been trying to stay active by hanging out with friends and it makes it a little easier. I imagine since she is always surrounded by rehab friends it’s probably the same for her. Hopefully my Cancun trip will get my mind off things. Often I catch myself thinking that the situation is hopeless. She has been at her sober living for two months and I imagine she will stay for a few more because she loves it there. Perhaps things will change between us when she gets out.

I was thinking about it and I doubted she would reach out to me during the no contact period. Then I remembered that I lent her money and she plans on starting to pay me back next month. I think she will get a hold of me when she deposits money into my account (probably through text). I plan on keeping my reply short and light. Should I keep the conversation going if she pursues one? Should I ask how she is doing? Or just say thanks and end the conversation?

One more quick question, at the wedding she was the one that brought up bad things from the past. I just said it’s in the past and things are different now (before I lost my cool). What’s a good way to address things if she brings them up from the past? Last time she didn’t think things could change in a short amount of time (2 weeks) and was focused on negative things. Hopefully the long no contact period will change that. Thanks again for the advice. This is all confusing, and sad. It’s like I’m trying to move on and hold on at the same time. I leave on my trip tomorrow so if it takes me awhile to respond that’s why. I’ll let you know how it goes :).

[patricia12]

When you find yourself thinking about her, quickly distract yourself. I know the whole situation is very sad, but over time, it gets easier not to dwell on the negative. Don’t think about the Facebook thing. And don’t wonder if not talking with you is easy for her or not OR if she could move on quickly or not. Those kind of thoughts serve no purpose other than to make you more depressed. I can assure you of one thing, she won’t ever forget you. But for now, when she thinks of you, most likely the negative stuff comes quickly to mind. That’s why no contact is so important. Not only for you to get to a better place in your own head, but to give her time to allow the more positive things about the relationship to come to the forefront. Stay strong and continue no contact. If she texts you about repayment of the loan, you could thank her and let her know you hope she is doing well. Don’t keep the conversation going unless she does, and let her guide the content of it. At this point, I don’t think she would bring up the past as it’s too hurtful for both of you this soon after the break up. If she does, again keep it short and let her know you’re making changes in your attitudes and behavior styles or briefly answer any questions she might have. It’s good she enjoys being at the sober living place and has made friends there. After she gets out, she will probably continue to need all the positive reinforcement and support she can get. By then, hopefully things may change for the better between you. Have a fun and safe time in Cancun:)

[sdub]

Patricia12, thanks for your last response. So I got back from Cancun last night. I was hoping spending time with friends would help ease the pain. In a sense it did because I was busy most of the time, but at the same time seeing all the couples there made me miss my ex even more. I kind of felt the same when I got home as when I left. Although, I did have a lot of fun in Cancun and met a lot of new people. So I have been pretty depressed since I have gotten back worrying my ex will have moved on. That thought scares been because I have seriously been counting down the days since I have talked to her (the vacation did help time go by faster). I am trying to improve myself but now I am adjusting back to normal life off of vacation. I made an appointment with a counselor and plan on trying to do a lot of self improvement. Even though my ex blocked me on Facebook I looked at her friend’s pages and realized that only made myself suffer more so I stopped.

So check this out, today I took off work to recover from my vacation since I got back late last night. Come to find out my car is missing today and it turns out it was towed. As I am talking to the towing agency my ex calls me. I couldn’t answer so after I hang up with towing agency I call her back. She answered and asked how I was doing. I told her I was doing good. She then told me she was at the bank and asked for my bank account number so she could deposit some money. I said I have to ask you a favor you will never guess what happened. I briefly told her about my car being towed (hers was towed awhile back and I helped her get it out and is part of the reason she owes me money). I then asked her for a ride to go get my car. She was like isn’t your roommate home and I told her no. She was depositing some money for her work and had to go back after and then had her rehab group at 5:00 PM so she just didn’t have the time. She didn’t sound angry or anything and said she would if she wasn’t busy. She then started talking to the bank tellar and was like I have to go but I’ll deposit some money in your accout. I said can you call me back later and she said yes. Who knows if she really will? Honestly I’m not sure why I even said that. She really called me at the worst time because I was upset that my car had been towed so I probably didn’t sound up beat. We only talked for like two minutes. Did I handle this well? I am pretty upset because after impound fees I owe $500 for my car so if she does call back, I know I shouldn’t talk to her while I am upset and should continue no contact.

Before today, this is the longest we have gone with no contact (15 days) since dating and I was going strong even though it was tough. I planned on going no contact for at least a month or two like you recommended. Did I mess up and lose the two weeks I already put in by our conversation earlier. Also, going on my vacation made me realize how much I want to take her to California. I still kind of want to pursue that trip. I thought that maybe after time passes (1 month) I could ask her like 3 weeks before the trip? Talking to her today gave me hope but I don’t want to set myself up for more pain. If I do ask her about the California trip, I planned on going to lunch with her first or something and then asking her. This is all so confusing. She didn’t act like anything was wrong on the phone today. Little does she know after the wedding 2 weeks ago I was crushed.

[patricia12]

Where was your car parked that it was towed? Stop thinking about the wedding! It’s in the past and doesn’t matter now. Yes, you handled the phone conversation well. Not sure I would give anyone my bank account number… Maybe better to have her mail you a check. Yes, maybe ask her out to lunch in a couple of weeks from now and ask about the trip to California, but don’t beg if she says she doesn’t want to go or can’t go for other reasons related to her rehabilitation. Hoping she calls you back later and that the conversation goes well… keep it light and good luck.

[sdub]

It was parked in front of my apartment complex. The parking enforcement in the city I live in is horrible. After paying the citations for expired registration and the impound fee it was around $600. It literally took me all day to get my car back too. I am still mad about it all.

You are right; I need to let the wedding go. I need to work on letting things go. Thanks for reassuring me I handled the phone call with my ex well. I trust her with my bank account number because all she was doing was depositing money. I don’t think she would try and steal money from my account. I will totally take your advice on asking her to lunch and not beg her to go on the California trip. I just hope I can get her to go to lunch with me. I am scared to ask and have her say no and be at square one again. I want to call and ask her to go to lunch but maybe I am better off texting? I know I am going to have to try and convince her to go and that everything will be fine. Now that I am thinking about it, I am sure her counselors will tell her it’s a bad idea. Is it a bad idea to try and convince her? I mean just be flirty with her and say there is nothing to worry about etc? After a month or longer of not seeing her in person do you think she will be less likely to go? I know she will be worried about “mixed emotions” and what not.

She hasn’t called tonight and I know she isn’t going to. When we were talking before I started no contact again she would say she would call but never would or would text me instead. So I didn’t get my hopes up a ton this time. At least I know my number isn’t blocked though. I’ll let you know how it goes if she does call but don’t hold your breath. I feel emotionally stable enough where I can keep things light. All I need is a chance. Thanks again for your advice it helps a ton talking to you.

[patricia12]

Sorry about the parking violation and impound fee. I always keep my registration up to date, but know there’s a fine to pay if it’s late. Someone I know was getting close to the expiration and re-registered his car online, which I think is faster than by mail. I don’t know what you mean by trying to convince her that everything will be fine or there’s nothing to worry about going for lunch? Maybe don’t be flirty about it and I don’t think it’s a good idea to try and ‘convince’ her of anything at this point. Maybe just text to ask her for a ‘casual’ lunch. I don’t think the length of time you haven’t seen each other would make a difference one way or the other. If she won’t go to lunch, text her again later to ask about the trip to California. By the way, I’m in California. Where are you guys? I know you’ve done all you can to be nice to her and just pray she will respond in some way… either by meeting for lunch or going on the trip or both. I can’t imagine that her counselors would advise her not to at least meet you for lunch. Hope things go well for you.
I’m glad you’re feeling emotionally stable:)

[sdub]

I always try to keep mine registered too. I have two cars and for some reason I thought both had current registration. I guess the renewal notice was sent to my parents. Defiantly an expensive mistake I will never make again. By “trying to convince her” I meant in trying to convince her to go to California. I know if we do go to lunch and I bring up the trip, she will say “it could go bad” or “I don’t want to give you mixed signals”. I know her too well and can already see it. So I was just saying I may just need to tell her that the trip won’t go bad, it will be fun, and we already have plane tickets booked so why not go. I guess what I meant is should I try and encourage her to go? It seems like last time we met for lunch and I brought up going a month ago, I had to tell her things would be fine in response to her concerns of the vacation going bad. Then she said “I will think about going”.

Good idea, I plan on asking her to lunch, but it’s possible she will be busy. So then I’ll ask when she is free to meet up another day. If she still says no, I will ask her about the California trip later on. I just don’t want to come off as desperate, push, or smothering.

Really, that’s awesome. I love California! What part of do you live in? I live in Salt Lake City. So we really aren’t that far apart. I really want to hit the beach out there so I hope the trip goes through. I don’t think her counselors would tell her not to go to lunch but they might advise against our vacation since they encourage them to be single for a year.

I noticed today that she unblocked me on Facebook because her name showed up and I clicked on her profile and it took me to her page. We aren’t friends or anything though. In some strange way I wonder if I made some kind of progress by keeping it cool on the phone yesterday. Maybe she wanted to see my vacation pictures or something. I just find it strange. So I met with a new counselor today as part of improving myself. It seemed kind of like I was meeting with my Grandma or something because she was kind of old. Maybe I need to find a new younger one. It was kind of strange explaining things to her.

[patricia12]

You have a good plan there. After you tell her those things about the trip, and if she says no, don’t say too much more trying to encourage her because it will come off as begging. You’re probably correct in that her counselors might not think the trip is a good idea at this time. I’m in Southern Calif and wherever you go in the state, by the end of July it will be hot, so the beach would be a great idea. I guess that’s a good sign that she unblocked you on Facebook:) Yes, maybe a little progress by keeping it cool on the phone. A little bit at a time is the way to go. The age of the new counselor really doesn’t matter as long as she’s a good counselor. I’m sure she has other clients your age. She was young once so she would be able to remember how it was for herself years ago and also understand your feelings and difficulties with various situations.

[sdub]

I am not going to lie; I want to break contact so bad right now. Now that I am not blocked on Facebook I saw a picture she has liked of a mutual friend. I noticed her profile picture changed so I clicked on her page. I saw a comment from some guy she dated before she knew me saying “sexy lady” and she was like “Thanks Travy!” Then I noticed that he has been reacting to pictures she has posted. I know I need to stop looking at her page because it’s driving me crazy and makes me feel like a stalker. Today has been really crappy because I have missed her a ton. Thirty days of no contact falls on the weekend before July 4th. So I don’t even know if that’s a good time to contact her since it’s a busy weekend. Should I break it before the thirty day mark like maybe next Wednesday? I am nervous to ask the week after the 4th because it’s pushing up against the vacation date of July 28th. I bet she would need at least two weeks of notice to take off work. I know I am over thinking things right now and am panicking (I literally just saw the Facebook minutes ago). I mean her unblocking me on Facebook probably meant nothing at all. She probably just wondered what I was commenting on peoples pictures (who truly knows why she unblocked me). Haha maybe my emotions aren’t as stable as I thought. Well after seeing what I did today makes me second guess them at least. Today has just been rough for some reason. I wonder if I even have a chance at this working out.

I hope we can make it to your beautiful state. We were planning on going to San Diego. I haven’t been there in like ten years. Are the beaches nice there? I guess the age of the counselor isn’t really a big deal now I think about it. I just kind of felt uncomfortable telling her stuff that has been going on for some reason. Maybe that will change the next time I see her though. I’ll give it one more shot with her and if doesn’t work I will find another counselor. How is your day going? It’s so hot here it’s crazy.

[patricia12]

Sorry you’re having a rough day with your emotions. I know it’s tempting, but please stop looking at Facebook and making assumptions! You’re torturing yourself and your imagination is going wild. Don’t make comments on her page, don’t put up stuff on your page, and don’t comment on anyone’s picture. Stay away from Facebook as much as possible. There is no magic way to know if there is a chance for you or not, but try and stay positive about it. Probably fine to break no contact later next week. Maybe first ask to meet for lunch. You could text her early the following week to ask about the trip. That still gives you 3 weeks prior to the trip. Monday was the hottest day over here, but cooler since. I’m north of San Diego, but sure there must be some nice beach areas. Do you have family or friends in Calif or does your ex? Take good care of yourself and wishing you well…

[sdub]

Thanks, hopefully my day goes better today. I have had bad luck lately! You are right; my imagination goes crazy when I see her Facebook. It really is driving me crazy. We aren’t friends on there so I can’t comment on anything of hers. I can just see profile pictures she has posted or pictures I commented on before she unfriended me (some of the stuff I can see are pictures of us she hasn’t deleted). It just makes it tough to see that she is having a good time without me. Honestly I almost have to intentionally search for her page in order to see it. I just need to get some self-control (looking at her page isn’t helping me get over her). I like using my Facebook because it entertains me when I need a break from work. I need just need to focus on other things (easier said than done). I saw some girl I know mention me in a comment on a picture I was in on my ex’s page. I know I can’t reply to her.

I wish there was a magic way to tell how things will work out or not. Because it’s tough to keep up hope. I think you are right about breaking no contact next week. Would you recommend breaking no contact by calling her or texting her? I’m not sure which is the better method? If I call she could be busy and might not answer. But she would see I called and she may call me back or text me. Calling seems more personable. Texts are easier to blow off. Or she may just ask what I want and then once I tell her she might not reply or just say she doesn’t want to go. I actually have a bunch of her stuff I need to give back to her and I bought something in Mexico for her. I could just say “lets meet up for lunch and I have some stuff I to give to you”. Haha I am over thinking it. I think if we do meet for lunch, I need to ask about our trip then because it will be easier to get her to go. She can be indifferent in texts but it’s harder for her in person. I just need to keep my cool if we can’t meet up for lunch. If she says no to California perhaps I should just focus more on moving on and date other girls.

It was 90 degrees here yesterday! It was so hot. Does the breeze from the ocean keep the temperature in your city pretty consistent? I have one friend that lives in San Louis Obispo and our original plan was to possibly meet up with him and his girlfriend in San Diego. That fell through though because his girlfriend moved back to Utah. So now it would just be a vacation to spend time at the beach and maybe hit SeaWorld or something. How is your week going? Any fun plans for the weekend? Thanks for listening to my rant.

[patricia12]

I’m about 6 inland from the ocean, but it’s always a little cooler here than further east. The closer one goes toward toward Arizona, the hotter it gets. Today it’s a pleasant 76 degrees. I guess call her and ask her to lunch and let her know you want to give back her things. If she goes to lunch, you can spring the trip idea on her. If she doesn’t call back after a day or two, then send a text. Don’t think about moving on yet. Wait to see how it goes at the lunch if she agrees to meet. Even if she doesn’t want to or can’t go on the trip for some reason, don’t give up. Just be patient and take it one day at a time. You will eventually get a feeling as to whether moving on is for the best or not. I’m probably going to a park this weekend to listen to an outdoor concert. Sounds like you have a lot of common sense about contacting her and the approach to use in asking about the trip.

[sdub]

It sounds like you live in a nice place. It gets so hot here during the summer. What’s the hottest it gets where you live? I think I will go with our plan of contacting her next week. I like your idea of giving it a few days if she doesn’t answer then I will text her a few days later. I can almost guarantee she doesn’t pick up when I call. She’s more of the texting type or has been with me lately at least. I like that you said “be patient and take it one day at a time”. It has been hard to do that. I just look at it the big timeline and it’s overwhelming. I have wanted to reach out to her so bad yesterday and today. I know I can’t though. I think she might be off work today but probably has plans so it would be pointless to contact her. Through this whole ordeal, we have always met up on Fridays. The longer I go without no contact the better right? I just hope I am not holding on to something that isn’t there. I mean letting go doesn’t really seem easy either. I am just starting to feel stuck. I need to focus more on bettering myself. I just get to thinking and wonder if she has even thought about me lately. Or if she really is over it and I am hanging on to something that isn’t there. I have missed her lot the past days and wonder if she even misses me. It’s like all of her new friends have taken my place. Like you said in your other post, her friends are what she needs right now and she might not want me involved and you are right. Her recovery is really the important thing. Feeling like I just got kicked to the curb is the tough part. I just wonder if she is moving on as more time passes. In case I do need to start moving on, do you have any helpful tips to make it easier? After all of my bad luck lately with getting my car impounded and what not, I don’t want to spend a ton of money but maybe I need a weekend out to get my mind off stuff.

Your weekend sounds like it’s going to be a ton of fun. I am jealous! I love outdoor concerts. Who is playing?

[patricia12]

The outdoor concert is going to be performed by a local band. I don’t know the name of the band or what they’re going to play, lol. You’re doing fine by not contacting her and yes, longer times between contact is better for her because she’s dealing with a lot of stuff regarding rehabilitation. I’m sure it’s not easy for her and it takes a lot of self-control and determination to stay drug free, especially in the beginning and for some time after finishing a recovery program. I understand your feeling of ‘being stuck’. It’s like not knowing what to do because you don’t have a final answer one way or the other yet. For you it’s the waiting and not knowing that’s that’s difficult. It’s almost like waiting for a test result from a doctor. But once you find out the result, it’s different. If it’s bad news, you find ways to handle the situation or if it’s good news, your anxiety is relieved. Doing something fun, maybe with friends or family would help get your mind off her for awhile. Making self improvements and keep your mind occupied with other things would help too. When you’re alone with nothing much to do is when your mind wanders back to her and you start having thoughts that won’t help. Wondering if she misses you etc…

[sdub]

Haha you sound a lot like me. I go to concerts quite a bit and have no idea who is playing. I mainly just go for the experience and to hangout with friends. Sometimes concerts with local bands are the most fun because they aren’t as crowded. Most of my friends are in Michigan for a festival this weekend and it has been a boring weekend for me. I am so happy you wrote me back today. I have been really struggling the last two days. I am sure it’s because of looking at Facebook the other day. Seeing one of my ex’s past boyfriends liking and commenting on her stuff really just gave me a lot of anxiety. I hope it goes away soon. I know my ex is hanging out with rehab friends, going to meetings, and focusing on her recovery and that is really important. I really want to break no contact today and see if she wants to go get dinner or something. I think she will be at work until later this evening (then again I don’t know her working schedule). I imagine since it’s a Saturday night she may already have plans so it might not be worth breaking no contact until next week like we talked about. I still kind of want to try though. Is it a bad idea? It’s been 21 days since I last saw her (wedding) and haven’t attempted to communicate with her. Gosh 21 days doesn’t sound like a long time but it feels like it. I just want to see what it’s like spending time with her again, see if her anger has faded, and if I should still pursue her. What do you think about breaking no contact today? One thing I do fear is that she will think I have nothing going on tonight and am sitting home on a Saturday. I have things I could do tonight though.

You hit the nail on the head about “being stuck”. Sitting around wondering what will happen is like waiting for a really important test result to come back and my life feels like it’s on hold until I get the results back. I figure, even if things don’t work out how I want them to it’s going to be really hard to get over everything because even after all of this time of being officially split up (I think like almost 2 months) I still haven’t gotten over it or moved on. I try to stay busy and active but even then I catch myself thinking about her. I’ve heard girls move on faster than guys so maybe that’s true? All in all, I really just miss her a ton. Talking to her briefly about paying me back the money she borrowed on Monday was nice. You are so right; sitting home alone is when my mind really starts wandering and wondering about things.

A few girls I know invited me to go to Tahoe for the 4th of July weekend. Part of me wants to go because it might help me get my mind of things. It’s probably a bad idea though because one of the girls my ex’s absolutely hates and in the past it caused problems in our relationship when we would hangout as friends even in a group of people. I know tons of pictures will be posted on Facebook too which my ex will see and it might push her further away. So it is probably a bad idea to go to Tahoe with her even though she has a boyfriend and we are all just friends. I thought it might make my ex jealous and could work in my benefit but I can’t think like that. Plus it could backfire horribly and a seven hour drive doesn’t sound like fun.

Really the only reason I even would want to go is because I know a girl that lives down there that I met years ago at my sister’s wedding and if I go down there she wanted to meet up. She’s always been my friend but I’m sure we would have dated years ago if we didn’t live so far apart (we’ve been friends for like 11 years). I could always go see her later during the summer though depending on how things go with my ex. I am just looking for ways to keep my mind off things. I don’t know why I am having such a hard time with this. I feel depressed about it all.

Sorry that my posts have been so long. I have had a lot on my mind and talking to you helps me get it all out and your responses help me out a ton. It helps everything seem less overwhelming. If I don’t hear back from you today, enjoy your concert and have a good time tonight. :).

[patricia12]

So did you do other things last night instead of contacting her? I know you’re tempted, but I encourage you not to look at Facebook. From some of the posts I’ve read on this site, a lot of people look and it just causes agony trying to guess what things mean. I don’t know if girls move on more quickly than guys. I guess it depends on the individual. My advice about going to Tahoe is don’t do it! You’re right, it will probably backfire and cause more troubles. Just hang in there for now. Next week will be here soon enough and you’ll be able to get a tad bit more information. I understand that you would be depressed, but stay strong.
You can do this:)