I am going to try and keep this short and get to the point. You may wonder why I would even want to continue a relationship with my ex girlfriend but I love her and see something in her. This has been a painful long experience and I will try and summarize the best I can but I know I can’t capture everything. We have plane tickets to California booked in July for a vacation and I really want to go. We broke up officially about a month ago.
I have made the majority of the deadly mistakes over the past month or so. Here is a brief summary of my story. I dated my ex for 3 years. In the beginning it wasn’t very serious and honestly at that point and time I didn’t want a girlfriend and was kind of a jerk. We actually stopped talking for about a month or so because she got really clingy and it scared me off. Eventually we started talking again and as time passed about after a year we became serious. I knew in the past she had a drug problem and I believe this is part of the reason I didn’t want to pursue something serious with her early on. We had our disagreements over the three years like everybody does in their relationships but we managed to work through most of our problems. I did a lot of things early on in the relationship that I regret like not inviting her to concerts when I was going out with my friends and what not and I feel like she holds a grudge against me now for it. Also we partied at my apartment and girls would come over and she hated that.
Let me jump forward to the past few months. This is where I ended up really messing up and feel like my shot of getting her back has failed because I have been smothering her and every time I make some progress I take steps backwards a week later. It turns out that my ex started abusing opiates behind my back. Looking back I had no idea how I couldn’t tell. Long story short she ended up checking herself into a two month rehab program. I was proud of her for taking steps to better herself and did not leave her. I supported her through this hard time and drove an hour every Thursday to go to meetings with her on family night. I also went and picked her up on Saturdays/Sundays she could leave rehab on pass. She was able to sleep over one night and everything went great. Rehab seriously helped improve are relationship in lots of ways.
The only downside is that when we would hangout I would bring up negative things from the past which I have realized were insecurities on my part. Mainly sexual things that happened in the past with people I knew long before I even knew who she was. I have since gotten over this. Plus it wasn’t like I was an angel in the past. Anyway, after she left rehab she joined a sober living program where she lives with several girls in a house. I guess I was under the assumption that life would go back to normal after she left the rehab. I was wrong, she was so busy going to recovery meetings, working, and hanging out with girls in her house I barley saw her. Ultimately she ended up telling me that she loved me but just didn’t have time for a boyfriend right now. She needed time to focus on herself and that she had been in relationships for much of her life and that she wanted to find herself. When she was done with her sober living program she hoped that we could date. Until then she wanted to go on dates and keep it more as friends (which I was hard for me). It hurt hearing this because I felt like I supported her through all of the hard times and I was getting kicked to the curb. I know the counselors she met with every week at sober living helped influence this because she would repeat things they said and eventually they never told her to dump me but pointed towards it. Her rehab counselor loved me and met be but her sober living counselor only heard the negative things from our past so I think she didn’t like me based on past events.
Eventually she ended up telling me she needed space. Which made my flight or fight instincts kick in and I would text her emotional texts confessing my love etc. This mainly happened when I was out drinking with friends two weekends in a row. After the first time this happened she message me saying that she was bi-polar with me and couldn’t live with or without me and loved me and wanted to see if I would go visit her family with her the following Monday for Mother’s day. We ended up going to dinner the Friday before we were supposed to go visit family and everything went pretty well. I tried to kiss her a few times and she wasn’t having it and gave me the spill about how she needed to be single for now etc. Although she let me put my hand between her thighs while I was driving my car. I was kind of upset things weren’t how they were before.
The next day after hanging out I wanted to surprise her at work with a red bull and get something to eat because she is a waitress. Man did I show up at the wrong time. Her restaurant was really busy and it was just awkward. Before showing up I tried to call her and her phone would go straight to voicemail so I figured she had either blocked me for no reason or her phone was off. I figured the day before went well so there would be no reason to block my number. After talking to her while I was eating at the restaurant it turns out she did block my number because somebody kept calling her from a phone APP that would generate fake numbers and she thought it was me. It wasn’t at all. She was kind of rude at her work. It kind of hurt my feelings. Later that night she called to apologize for being rude earlier and that she needed some space and I wasn’t giving her that. Anyway, the Monday rolled around that we were supposed to go visit our families for mother’s day so I called her. She didn’t answer and ended up sending me a text saying we needed to go our separate ways and that I am a great guy she just doesn’t have time for me right now and I need to date somebody like myself. I literally turned into an emotional train wreck and sent her really long texts and left her tons of voicemails. Eventually I stopped calling and trying to get a hold of her because I knew she wouldn’t pick up or reply.
A few days later I found this website and started applying everything I read. Sadly I only applied no contact for 2 weeks. During this time I went to church, went to a therapist , hit the gym, which I found to be beneficial. I figured the circumstances of each relationship were different and two weeks was long enough because I was worried in sober living she might meet somebody new or forget about me since she was never truly alone. I messaged her saying sorry for letting my emotions get the best of me and asked if I could get a few things back that she had of mine before I go on vacation June 10th. She said yes we agreed that would go get lunch together. It took a few days to finally pick a time to meet up because she was always at meetings or making time for other people. I bought her a shirt which she liked too. Lunch went great; I only discussed positive things and said past mishaps didn’t matter. I told her about the changes I had made and therapy and what not. I asked her if she still loved me and she said “she had love for me” and wasn’t sure which I figured was a start. Later that night, I was out with some friends (bad timing) and she called to clarify that she was in fact in love with me and she just hated to see me going through all of this pain while she was dealing with her issues and knew it hurt me. Also that I should want to change for myself and just not for her. I didn’t really get to respond how I would have liked to because I was busy at the time. Overall lunch went great, I got a call that was positive, and she added me on Facebook.
Throughout the week we text back and forth and she even initiated texting once or twice. I tried to talk to her on the phone throughout the week but she was always busy or supposed to call me back but never did. I talked to her once for like one minute and “she was with her girls” and had to call me back. I tried to call her once more after that and she said she was busy and didn’t want to talk. We were both going to the same wedding over the weekend and I wanted to hangout before hand and she said “maybe” earlier in the week so I guess I was pursing that. I asked her if she wanted to see my nieces and nephew that were coming into town and she said she didn’t want to give them mixed signals and I wasn’t accepting her wishes that she wanted to be alone and I sent her a few pictures of them and she said it made her heart hurt and I was acting like we were together and said what are my intentions. It confused the hell out of me how she said she loved me and nice things a week before and then was cold and distant. I knew I was pushing it.
Well I ended up going to the wedding and she was there with her best friend who is the sister of the groom. I told myself if I went I would keep my cool and follow everything in the five steps but I failed. I wish I would have taken a friend or my nephew with me instead of going alone. She loves my nephew so she would have been around me a ton. I figured the wedding would be packed with people I knew because it was in my home town. When I arrived I didn’t know anybody besides a select few people that were in the wedding. Eventually I walked up to the table my ex ex was sitting at and asked if I could sit with them because I didn’t know anybody. They said sure. We actually started to hit it off pretty well, she said a lot of bad things happened between us in the past and I said that behind us. She then said how much could you really have changed in the past two weeks? I was like I have changed a lot and it hasn’t happened in two weeks. It’s been over a long period of time.
We hung out for a minute and she actually seemed kind of interested. My ex and her friend wanted to go grab a coffee at the nearby gas station. We joked around and it was a good time. We made a joke about how hard I was trying and I managed to weasel my way into hanging out with them. She even said it’s crazy that I can be in the same car as my ex and we can laugh. I gave her a stare down and was like ex? And we laughed. Everything backfired after while though. She eventually got kind of cold on me. I wish I would have just left looking back. She eventually got sick of me following her around. I was waiting for some friends to get there that showed up way late. She called me codependent at the end of the night because I asked her to go grab a drink inside with me and also to walk up to the bathroom. I was so confused. I even sat by her and was in the sun and said damn it’s hot and she told me to go sit on the other end of the table by my friend. It was embarrassing and got really awkward because I thought her and her friend started talking crap about me on the other end of the table. We ended up taking a picture together which she didn’t really want to take. Eventually I decided it was time to leave and I walked up to her while she was taking what I thought was a picture of her friend and this little girl dancing. It turned out to be a video and when I said I was leaving she gave me the hand like get out of here and said she was taking a video. I completely panicked and said sorry I didn’t know.
Then her friend came over and grabbed her phone that the video was on and walked away and I tried to talk to my ex and she said things will never be the same and that so much bad stuff had happened in the past that she has thought about and that I had been following her around all night like a little puppy. I felt so out of my element and embarrassed. She said now is not the place to talk and went back to the table. I could tell she was mad.
It was just so awkward at this point. I waited a minute for my friend and his girlfriend to be ready to leave and hugged my ex’s friend and said bye. Then I said to my ex quietly “are we still going on our California trip on July 28th?”. She said no and I left. I felt so embarrassed and dumb from the night. I didn’t understand how she just went from having fun to being pissed off. I started driving to my parents house and got Facebook message from her that said “I’m sorry but I can’t talk to you anymore. You need to detach yourself from me. Things will never be the same. I wish you well. I’m not going to California. I’ll start paying you back the money I owe you in a month”. Later that night I replied and said sorry if it seemed like I was following her around it was just that I didn’t know anybody and told her I learned from the past and grew from the mistakes I made along with some other stuff. It was a one ended text saying I let my emotions get the best of me again and I wished her well. There was more in the text but you get the point. She deleted me and Facebook too. Earlier in the night she wondered why I started like photos now and not in the past so this might be why. Oh and she got jealous earlier in the night when a girl I knew showed up at the wedding. She was like “now you have a friend here!”. Her friend and I laughed because you could tell she was mad by the tone in her voice. This happened when things weren’t going bad.
I am seriously crushed and have been so depressed living that night over and over again trying to figure out how it went from fun to horrible. Wishing I would have done things different. Wishing I would have left earlier when I was sitting alone at a table by myself for a bit and felt like was intruding. I feel like that she is always surrounded by sober living friends and her best friend so she doesn’t even get to miss me like I get to miss her. She is always busy and doing fun stuff. Plus I think her best friend wants her all for herself. That’s kind of how I felt at the wedding. It has seriously crushed me seeing all of the Facebook posts that she is tagged in doing fun stuff over the past while. I need to stay off facebook.
I know I messed up a lot. Honestly she wasn’t perfect and we both did a lot of crappy things to each other. I just feel like she is so focused on the bad things in the past she doesn’t want to try. I focus on the good things. Things didn’t end badly between us but they turned out bad as time passed.
This has all been really hard for me. I don’t want to go through this again be because every time I talk to her and she tells me to leave her alone it hurts so bad and I go through hell. I want her back though. I also feel like I haven’t really got any closure. I really want to go to California in July with her. When I brought it up when we went to lunch she said no and then seemed open to it by the time I dropped her off. It’s like she’s flip flopping. If you have made it this far any advice would help. I am seriously heartbroken and a mess. I know I have smothered her and didn’t respect her wishes for space. It has been hard. If you have made it this far in reading this any advice would help. I want to hang on but I don’t even know if there is a chance. I feel like I messed up 3 times by being smothering. I go to Cancun this Friday for 9 days so hopefully that gets my mind of things. I wanted her to see my Cancun trip pictures on Facebook so she knows I am out doing stuff but I know that won’t happen now.