Your replies address so many of my crazy emotions and thoughts and help level me out. Yesterday was one of the worst days I have had in a long time. I seriously wondered if I was going crazy or was having a mental break down or something lol (mainly I was just over thinking a ton). The thought of my ex having sex or anything with someone else is sickening and painful. I hope that never happens. I am afraid she is into somebody else and that’s why she is cold with me. Who knows though? Today I feel a little better overall. I think I just needed to get some sleep and I was able to go to dinner with a good friend so that helped a little. I am scared to message her today. I know she doesn’t want to see me in person because it brings up emotions and is hard for her. I think I remember her saying that in the past. But I feel like that is also why it’s important for me to see her.
They are having a baseball game for the next three nights with fireworks (Friday, Saturday, and Sunday) in celebration of the 4th of July. It might be kind of short notice if I ask her to go to tonight’s game but I feel like it’s more likely she will be free tonight. Then again I have been wrong about everything so who knows. I am kind of stumped on how to ask about taking her stuff back and going to the game. Is this good for example: “Let me know when you’ll be home so I can bring your stuff over. There is a Bees game with fireworks the next three nights. Are you interested in going?” Or should I just leave the game out or maybe be more specific and ask about going tonight/tomorrow instead of leaving it open that any of the nights work? (I just don’t know her schedule. It’s unlikely she will go) Maybe it’s just coming off as I am trying too hard? Either way, I am sure she knows her stuff and the game are excuses to see her. I’m not sure if that matters or not though. I really just don’t want to come off as clingy. She already thinks I am. Would it be bad to mention going to the game as friends or should I just leave that for our California trip?
It’s still hard for me not to be desperate and throw anything I can at her (at least recently). For example my nieces and Nephew are in town again (which she loves) and I want to ask if she wants to see them and go to a local amusement park (which she has a season pass to). I shouldn’t because last time I asked if she wanted to see them she asked what I was trying to do and it hurt her heart that she couldn’t see them and to please stop. We joked about it at the stupid wedding the next day that I was throwing everything I had at her.
So if I don’t hear from her by the 5th of July I will ask her about going on the trip as friends. I will say something like: “Hey, we still have that San Diego trip booked that’s already paid for on the 28th. Would you be interested in going as friends? I know we both could use a vacation”. I want to even say we could sleep in different beds but I’m not sure if I should go there. How does that all sound?
As far as her stuff is concerned I don’t mind hanging onto it for awhile and it’s not a huge deal to me if she gets it back or not. I don’t think I would be able to take it to her sober living unless I stashed it somewhere outside. So essentially sober livings are just houses where girls in recovery live. It’s not what you would think of as your standard rehab so they don’t have receptionists or anything. Patients go to sober living after they leave a conventional rehab. For example, her sober living has around six girls living there and they assign two girls to a room. They have to attend meetings, take weekly drug tests, have curfews (which are pretty late), and are required to meet with counselors. They don’t allow men in the house so I have never actually been inside. Ugh, now I think about it, the night of that wedding she slept over at her best friend’s house and her counselor had to meet with her friend and approve it. Who knows if they would approve her going on a vacation with me? I know early on they were ok with it but who knows about now. Overall she has the final say if she goes or not.
You mentioned that you don’t think I have pushed her further away because she is already far away. I’ve been thinking and trying to figure out how she has separated herself from me so much. She use to be the crazy one. I just feel like my smothering couldn’t have done all of this by itself. I mean I know she is mad about things in the past and I wasn’t the best boyfriend like a year ago. But honestly I was so good and supportive through this whole ordeal. Even before all this I had changed and was good to her. I just don’t get it. I have to remember that she wasn’t always the best either and did mess up things too. Maybe I am seeing the past with rose colored glasses? I have let all the negative things from the past go and just want to have fun and focus on the future. I know a few things in particular that she is mad abut but they all happened 1-2 years ago. So you think she would be over them?
Thanks for reassuring me that contacting her grandma and best friend would be horrible ideas. I felt like the odds were against me for that turning out positive. I just feel like nobody is arguing on my behalf . I defiantly don’t want to come off as desperate even though I really am. When I spoke to her friend last time, I mentioned going out to eat like we had planned while my ex was in rehab (this was over a month ago). We talked about a few other things but my ex told me her friend took a screen shot of the conversation and sent it to my ex (I think her friend is trying to replace me in a sense). My ex text me out of nowhere and I think she was a little jealous. I went to lunch with my ex after all this and we talked about it.
As much as I want to tell my ex how I feel and have changed you are right about not doing so. I just get so panicked and for some reason I think letting her know how I feel about everything will make things better. I know it won’t though. I have done that already and it only worked once. Every time I did it after that it was just smothering and I got no response. In a sense, I almost feel like she likes having this power over me. Like she enjoys knowing she is control. It’s easier to be on her side of this than mine.
Thanks for reminding me to breathe and take this one day at a time, and one minute at a time. With all of this pain, anxiety, and questioning everything, it has been hard to stay calm and remember that. If I could just talk to her it would be a lot easier. Getting the silent treatment is hard for me. I wish I wouldn’t have messed up the last time we started talking. If I see her in person, I know I won’t bring up the relationship and will keep it all positive.
