I’m sorry to hear you had a hard time with your emotions yesterday. Some days are better than others, but over time you will become more calm and stable. The example you gave for asking about her things and the game is fine. Short and to the point without any rambling, lol. When you send the message on the 5th maybe begin it a little softer. Instead of hey, use her name and ask if she would like to go on the trip to San Diego as friends. Don’t say the trip is paid for or that you both could use a vacation. If the things that happened 1-2 years ago weren’t too extreme like infidelity or physical abuse, she could probably get over them in time. But I wish you would stop dwelling on the past and why everything turned out the way it did, or why she doesn’t want to be with you. Guessing about it won’t do any good! Just try to improve yourself in ways you think are needed for a better relationship with her or someone else in the future. You don’t need anyone to argue on your behalf because it would come across as you trying to manipulate and smoother her through someone else. If you get the chance to see her, don’t tell her how you’ve changed, show her. Be fun and light hearted, without drama.
Judging from what happened last time, best not to mention nieces and nephews.
This is what I said to her. I sent it about 3:40 my time so kind of late in the day. “Let me know when you’ll be home so I can bring your stuff over. There is a Bees game and fireworks this weekend. Want to go?”
I haven’t got a response yet 
Oops for some reason my phone didn’t load your response so I didn’t get a chance to reply to you before I made my last post. Today has been a bit easier but I still miss her. I have been so busy today I think my mind wasn’t as focused on her today. Somebody tried to steal my motorcycle last night and stole my roommates but ended up ditching it. Luckily I went for a ride on my bike to run some errands and noticed that his was hidden on a different floor of our parking garage. I imagine they were going to come back for it tonight. We are both going to file insurance claims to have damages fixed (they really damaged his; my damage was just a few tiny scratches). It’s scary though because when I rode my bike earlier I was riding wheelies and I didn’t notice they took a bolt off the handle bars. I seriously could have died.
I like your approach to contacting her on the 5th. I’ll try and be softer towards her. I wanted to include that the trip is paid for because it kind of adds a little pressure for her to go. Maybe I could just do that in response to me initial asking about it? Assuming that she even responds to me asking her that we go on the trip as friends. When we went to lunch a little over a month ago, she was kind of concerned that the trip was already paid for (only the plane tickets but maybe she thought the was hotel too) and that her ticket couldn’t be changed to somebody else’s name if she didn’t go (we used some vouchers for our tickets that I had received from a previous trip so we only had to pay taxes and fees for these tickets so they were essentially free). So I mean it’s not a huge loss if we don’t go but if she wasn’t going to go on the trip I would have used the voucher on somebody else. Do you think it’s a bad idea to bring up the trip is paid for if she replies saying she isn’t going?
Nothing too extreme happened in the past. I mean we did argue and have small altercations (no hitting or anything) but nothing too serious or anything that is even recent. I think that combined with a Facebook post I made once (as a result of her drug use) have her upset. I hope all of the negativity fades with time but it seems like her feelings for me are too. I try not to dwell on the past but with this situation it’s really hard for me. It only causes pain and anxiety so it’s horrible. I am trying to work on this. I guess I just question things a lot. Like I wonder if I would have handled texting her the other night differently if she wouldn’t think of me as clingy.
That’s true, if somebody did argue on my behalf it would make me look even more clingy and smothering. I guess in my mind, she has all of these people at her sober living that have negative things to say about me and they have never met me. So it would be nice to have someone bring up the good things about me. When she was in full fledged rehab her counselor and I met and she really liked me, so I wish that were still the case.
I defiantly will try and apply the improvements I have made and will continue to make them improve this relationship or my next one. Sadly, at that stupid wedding my ex kind of said the same thing. “I hope you apply what your learned in this relationship to your next one”. The memories and negative feelings from the wedding are fading and I feel like I am letting them go or at least starting to.
So it is almost 8:00PM my time and I haven’t got a response to my text that I sent earlier around 4:00 PM. What I sent her is in the post I made before this one. It seems pretty light and I did ask her to go to the baseball game. I can’t help but think that she is interested in somebody else. I don’t know if that is the case or not, but it seems like that would be the only thing to draw her completely away from me. I think in the past when I wasn’t the best to her other girls were flirting with me. I never acted on it or anything but I imagine it’s easier to leave somebody for someone new when you don’t have any problems with the new person. I could be over thinking but who knows.
I just hope someday I can see her in person. I don’t think she would blow me off and I know that’s why she is avoiding me. I hope she replies to my text but don’t think she will. Hopefully she replies on the 5th or the following days. If not I will probably have to let time take its toll and try and move on or at least see what happens. Ok, so if she doesn’t reply on the 5th or in the following days. Would it be crazy of me to say I’ll be at your house at 6:00 I’ll see you there. I mean if she didn’t respond I really wouldn’t go.
In the past she had just showed up at my apartment a time or two when we weren’t getting along. Ugh I know I can’t do that but it just makes me think she would have to talk to me in person that way. I guess I’ll just see what time does. I hope your day has gone well and you have a great weekend . Thanks for hearing me out again. I swear I am getting less crazy believe it or not haha.
Sorry about the damage to your friends motorcycle and yours, but glad you didn’t get hurt while riding it! Don’t say anything about the money aspect of the trip being paid for, it’s rude and tacky, and it won’t entice her to go. Why would you even want to add more pressure to her life by saying that? She already knows it’s paid for, so don’t rub it in her face! If she says she isn’t going, accept it. You need to try harder not to over-think, wonder and assume things. It’s useless and a waste of time. Again with the wedding. When will you ever let go of this and past mistakes? And why do you continue to wonder if she’s interested in someone else? Stop obsessing about it and remember she drew away from you a long time ago and had reasons to do so because she said she hopes you apply what you’ve learned from the relationship to the next one. If she doesn’t reply to the text you sent yesterday or the one you send on the 5th, it’s time to move on. By that time it should be obvious to you that she doesn’t want you in her life. Seeing her in person won’t change that. And please don’t tell her you’ll be showing up at her house, I’ll see you there. It sounds controlling and pathetic. Sorry if all this sounds harsh, but try to look at the reality of the situation and accept it gracefully. Have a nice 4th of July weekend:)
Thanks, luckily I didn’t get hurt and our motorcycles weren’t stolen. Gotta see the positive in the situation and count the blessings. I won’t mention the money aspect of the trip. I feel like I have been grasping at anything I could think of to say to get her to go. In the end, I know that isn’t attractive and wouldn’t entice her to go. I am glad I havent said any of it. I don’t want to put more pressure on her in life and I truly want her to suceeed. I feel like I have been really obsessing about the situation. Like reliving the past over and over again and thinking “I should have said this,or done that” and over all that is just torturing myself. Honnestly, I have been doing a ltitle research online and I think I have been really depressed about the whole situation and not knowing what will happen has given me major anxiety. Her blowing me off and ignoring me definitely has had a negative impact on me. That plus all the negative things that have happened lately have just all added up. Its been a roller coaster because I have my good days and bad. I have just had a big void in my life it seems. No need to say sorry, you just said it how it is. I need to let the past go especially the wedding. I feel like I am 90% over the wedding. I guess I have just felt like the wedding was one of the major downturns in process of getting back together so that has been a focus point for me. Just an fyi, her saying “apply what you learned from this relstionship to next” was also said there. As far as her dating somebody else or doing stuff with them I feel like most guys worry about that with their ex. At least if their ex broke up with them. In all reality I have to be realistic and accept that I have no control over that so there is no sense in worrying about it. She hasn’t replied to my text from the other day. From the sounds of it, based on my friend, she went swimming with friends (her, a girl, and two guys) later in the day when I sent my text. She could have replied later but chose not to because you know she got it. Suprisingly I am not freaking out right now and I just found out. Perhaps that means I am starting to accept everything. Trust me, I won’t say I am just showing up at her house. I was just in panic mode and I know that is pathetic. Saying or doing that makes me sound like a stalker or something. I’m really not that crazy. In the end I miss her a ton and it’s hard to understand why she has been treating me this way. Perhaps I’ll never know and that sucks but I guess it’s life. As far as meeting in person. I just thought we have always done better in person vs text and I would have a better chance. But it’s clear she doesn’t want that for her own reasons. Throughout all of this small things have given me hope and I have hung on. To think she will go to California with me when I can’t even get her to go to lunch is unlikely and a long shot. Don’t you think so? I will still try but I don’t have my hopes up. Sure I have made mistakes, but I am a good guy and I don’t think I deserve the cold shoulder. Do you think it would be bad to ask about the trip before the 5th? Like maybe tomorrow on the 4th or I guess could on a later date? All of this depression and stress has had a negative impact on me being productive at work. It’s part of depression. I sit in my office and don’t feel like doing much. I’m just trying to avoid that. Also, do you know of any way to stop the mind from wondering and questioning things? Even right now I wonder if she deleted our Facebook photos together. That is the stupidest thing to even worry about. I hate wondering why she went cold or whatever or dwelling on past mistakes. In the end she doesn’t want me in her life right now and that’s it. Maybe someday and as time passes that will change. As of right now she thinks I impact her life negatively which still makes no sense becsuse I’ve never done drugs, am educated, have a good job, and will help her any way I can. It all makes no sense but it’s whatever I guess. I hope you are enjoying your 4th of July weekend. You will have to let me know how it went and if you went to any parades or anything.
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. No don’t ask her tomorrow to go on the trip, wait until after the holiday. It’s not likely she would go, but you won’t know for sure until you ask. If you’re a religious person, you can ask God to give you strength to overcome your obsessions and depression. Also force yourself to distract away from negative thoughts and the continuous ideas about how to get her to meet up with you etc… Play music, read a book, play video games, see friends and family and don’t talk about her (just enjoy the moments). There must be lots of other things to do too. Good luck and Happy 4th of July!
How did your 4th of July end up going? Were you able to spend it with friends or family? Thanks, hopefully my bad luck streak is over. I am just trying to remain positive about everything I can. Spending time with family and friends over the weekend helped keep my mind busy but it was still kind of tough. A girl that went to Cancun with us came to a barbecue with me and that was pretty fun.
I don’t know how religious I am but am defiantly spiritual and have asked for help with everything. Felling depressed/anxiety comes and goes in swings it seems like. I assume it is all part of heartache. I think for me it’s getting the cold shoulder that’s the hard part and the fact that I may have pushed it there and can’t talk to her. What’s done is done though. Just have to get back on improving myself. Honestly I was good to her and I can’t forget that.
Ok, so today is the 5th and I am actually kind of scared to message her about the trip. I am nervous I won’t get a text back at all. After reading your other message, and reviewing my texts, I totally came off as clingy last time and was trying to sell myself. It sounded like I had not missed a beat in being emotional and trying to get her back. I don’t want to sound like that this time. I think part of it is to blame on the fact it happened at 3 AM while I was on sleeping pills, either way I came off as needy and there is no changing that. I need to keep all contact cool and smooth from here on out (assuming there is any).
So today I want to come across as very light and not play at all into my emotions. I think she has a rehab meeting called aftercare where she goes back to her traditional rehab tonight so it’s possible she may be busy but either way she will get to look at her phone at some point. I am considering just texting her tomorrow instead. I went golfing with a friend and its 10:00 PM my time so it’s probably just better to text her tomorrow at this point. I don’t want to get a late night response again. Do you think it might be better to try and call her first before texting?
Ok, I can’t lie; thinking about her going swimming with those two guys last week makes me think of a double date even if it was “just as friends”. Probably not worth stressing over I know. I’m going to float a river this weekend and I invited a girl I went on a date with long ago. I mean people just meet, become friends, and then end up dating that’s how it starts. I guess at least I am also putting myself out there too. I am hanging out with attractive girls and can’t figure out why I am so stuck on my ex? The girl I took to the bbq my friends stated she was hot and way cooler than my ex. Maybe time heals all wounds.
So I fully intend on asking about the flight tomorrow. Do you think I should mention returning her things too? I plan on just saying “Hey, XXX, would you like to use our tickets and go on the San Diego trip as friends? The tough part is going to be responding to her with whatever she replies with which will probably be “no!”
You sent a text on the 1st asking about her stuff and the Bees game with no response. She doesn’t seem concerned about her stuff so don’t keep reminding her of it! If she really wanted her things back, she would let you know. If you call about the trip and she doesn’t answer, then wait a couple of days and then text. Your idea on the text sounds fine. Short and to the point, but again, don’t ever mention her stuff again. She is well aware that you have her things. The ball is in her court on that one. If she says no to the trip, simply respond with “Okay”. After that do NOT ever contact her again unless she contacts you first. You would be wasting your time and making yourself appear foolish and EXTREMELY desperate and clingy! You’re stuck on your ex because you continue to run the same thoughts through your head over and over and over and over. You need to stop the cycle and enjoy life without her for now. Force yourself to concentrate on other things. Yes, time can heal wounds, but only if you stop obsessing. Good luck and let me know how it goes after tomorrow…
True, why bring up returning her stuff if she already knows I have it. Who knows what she wants me to do with it? I guess I will hang on to it for a while (a few months) and throw it away if I don’t hear anything from her. I don’t see her contacting me about it since she doesn’t know exactly what I have of hers. I decided that I would just send a text about the trip because my phone number is most likely blocked from calling. She has been pretty immature about this. I sent the text we talked about this morning and although much time hasn’t passed, I am pretty sure I won’t get a response.
“Hey XXXX, would you like to use our tickets and go on the San Diego trip as friends? They are booked for the 28th”. I added the date in case she didn’t know when the trip was.
As you said, “the ball is in her court”. As much as I want to text her additional stuff, I won’t because I don’t want to come off looking stupid, jealous, or foolish. Especially since the topic I want to text about deals with her going swimming amongst other things (better to just let that stuff go). So I guess that is it, I will never contact her again. She still owes me money and I wish she could have just paid it all back in full so we could have a clean break and have no reason for contact. When and if she ever does call about the money she borrowed, I will just keep it cool and short.
I am trying not to obsess over things and I think I am getting better about it. While golfing with my friend yesterday, I realized that it was one of the first times in a long time that I had not thought of her. It was kind of peaceful in a sense. A few things still upset me, like spending a combined $500 on her at Victoria Secret and another store not even a month before we broke up. It’s like, why let me spend money on you trying to make you happy and then break up with me. I need to see the positive in the situation and look at as it being a lot cheaper than a divorce haha. Hopefully I am not hung up on her much longer. I still miss her and the good times but that will fade. Over three years of dating is a long time and I am still pretty confused and upset how it all happened, but hopefully with time everything gets back to normal. I need to stop beating myself up because in all reality her drug use ruined the relationship and all I did was try to support her. I got to experience the crappy version of her for quite a while during our relationship.
Just an update. She just text back and said “no thank you”.
Okay, that’s it! You’ve done all you can and she obviously wants nothing to do with you. Try not to think about the money you spent at Victoria Secret etc… Just let it go. That’s funny though, about cheaper than a divorce. Day by day your obsession will ease off so you can get on with your life in a happy way. Definitely don’t text her about her swimming or anything else. Don’t contact her for any reason what-so-ever! It will certainly make you look more pathetic in her eyes. When she pays the money back, just say thank you. It’s that simple. I’m so sorry this all happened to you! Take good care of yourself:)
Once again, thank you for all of your help through all of this. You will never know how much I truly appreciate it. You give great advice! I know with time this will all get easier. I am actually kind of excited to go float the river with that other girl this weekend just to help take my mind off of things. Plus she is really attractive :).
So I never responded to my ex’s last text because I figured what’s the point of even texting back if all she said was “no thank you”. Hours later, she just text me again “I think you should go anyways. You’ve never had a problem going on vacation without me before”. I don’t even know what to respond to that. Right when I figure I’ll never talk to her again she messages me. Obviously she is upset still. It’s true though, in the past I have gone on vacations without her. Usually just with a bunch of friends. The trip in particular that I am sure she is angry over was a trip to Vegas that the girl I mentioned before in a previous message went on (a bit over a year ago). I literally saw her like for two hours the entire trip. While she was in rehab I went to Denver with some friends but she couldn’t go for obvious reasons. She was invited though and I would have paid. Oh well it’s in the past so I don’t know why she is dwelling on it (coming from me that means a lot haha).
I want to reply with something nice like, “People make mistakes so let’s leave past things behind us and take advantage of a nice trip on the beach if you are up for it?” Does that sound good? Really I am just trying not to fight, argue, or cause any kind of distress, along without sounding needy or clingy. Plus, if it’s not going anywhere with her why waste the time or energy? (Easier said than done but I am learning). I know I have to start somewhere but I trying to move forward. I I guess it wouldn’t hurt to talk if she starts conversation? I just want to get back to my old self and be care free and happy. I know the changes I have made are leading towards that.
This is what I ended up saying 3 hours later after a nap lol.
“People make mistakes. Leave the past behind and take advantage of a nice vacation on the beach.” I tried to get straight to th point. Maybe I should have left the mistake part out and just said “don’t let the past hold you back from a nice vacation on the beach”. Oh well though. Think what I said is fine?
The part about people make mistakes is fine. But asking about the vacation again sounds like you’re begging her after she already said no. I don’t know why you think it’s a good idea to reply if she starts a conversation. You just keep dragging this whole thing out and inflicting more suffering on yourself. She has refused to meet up with you and ignored many of your messages. Are you ever going to try the 30 days no contact?
You do make a good point about the dragging it out. I guess I didn’t really think of it asking about the vacation twice but not that you mention it I see that. She never responded which is no suprise. In all reality I would hate to drag this out. Are you saying it’s a bad idea to reply if she starts conversation? I am kind of wishing I didn’t reply aftee getting nothing in response. I did do no contact and made it 27 days I believe. I broke it early to ask about the vacation. You sre spot on about the suffering. Getting no response sucks and feels like I start over from the beginning each time.
Sorry my phone’s predictive text sucks sometimes. It sounds like I just need to get back to moving on. It just kind of threw me off that she sent that second text is all.
You’re so accustomed to chasing and begging that you didn’t realize you asked about the vacation twice. And you’ve asked about her stuff and to meet up more than that. To end your misery of anticipating text replies and hopes to meet up, the only other thing I can think of to do, would take a LOT of will power on your part. Okay, send a text letting her know you need space and no matter what, if she doesn’t respond, fine. If she does reply, IGNORE it. You could say, “I care about you, but I really need space. Please don’t contact me for at least a month” (Don’t start it with Hey or her name) And this time, you would have to stick to your guns by NOT contacting her or replying so as to show you mean what you say! That also means no posting or snooping on social media either. Do you have the guts to do this? In the meantime go out and have fun, like the floating the river etc… Focus your mind on whoever you’re with and enjoy all the time spent together. Maybe you will find a nice girl who isn’t as messed up as your ex. Sorry, I know it sounds harsh, but you’re being totally drained emotionally and it’s just not healthy. Again, do not respond to anything and don’t try to figure out or guess what things mean if she texts you during the month of no contact. You might even think about going longer than a month…
I feel like I have been waiting around for her to put I anger aside. Which in a sense I have. I guess at this point I am just tired with counting down days until I can contact her and what. I just want to get back to being myself. I know I have m good and bad days but thats just how it goes right? I am sick of dwelling on the past and beating myself up. I know I am a god guy. After talking to my friend about he I felt like I was smothering her in the past they just said smothering is the coerect term. Look at it, you date for over 3 years and had good and bad time. But when things took a downturn her life, you didn’t leave her side, you searched the streets at night looking for her in the middle of the night, you drove hours every week to go see her in rehab, you did a lot when most guys just wold have screw it. I did a lot more for her and it sucks becsuse obviously she is only seeing the bad in the past but I can’t change that. So what it’s came down to is thst I just dont want to care anymore and I am starting to force myself to not dwell on the past. I have felt good the last two days and am realizing I will be fine without her. I have to be becsuse I can’t control what happens. At this point I don’t know if I even want her back. I miss her and the good times but do I want to be with someone that has treated me poorly. I would love a face to face but that is highly unlikely. I talked to her briefly in text yesterday. It really didn’t go anywhere. So I guess I just don’t want to care anymore and whatever happens happens. I’m sure on this role coaster I might be sad later but I know if I take it day by day and minute by minute my mood will change. As far as writing her and saying I need some space, I just wonder if she will like, space? I haven’t even been talking to him why does he need space. I think it could be a power thing fr her and she would like it. My friend told me last night that she mesagged him the other week on facebook asking him about music or something and he thought about inviting her to the river this weekend with us and was like no that would be strange. Which it would have been and if I was going I doubt she would have went. I know telling her I need space is more for myseld to get over my emotions and torturing myself. But at this point I just don’t want to care anyone. I know this would be bad but if its over its over. I just want to leave a voicemail that isn’t mean or begging or anything and just say a little spill perhaps as closure and then just live my life. I’m tired of reading into every little thing and wondering. I know I wouldn’t get a reply so I wouldn’t be bummed if I didn’t. That’s how I feel as of now and I do yesterday too. I just don’t want to care becsuse that’s easier. I think part of me feared I am getting older, people are getting married, having babies, and that I wanted that with her. Realistically she has a lot of problems to work through right now and I hope she suceedes. The way she has treated me through this isn’t cool at all. I’m just tired of chasing her. So if I do leave a message, after I would just start doing my own thing again. If we met up some how out of it which wouldnt even be the point of the message great. I’m just tired of texting about everything. I feel to old for that and I’m over putting so much energy into it. Like I said before. Have felt like that the last two days and that feels good.
Some of the thoughts you wrote here are good ways to think about the situation and to finally accept reality and forget the past. You’ve been in agony way too long and it’s time to stop. Sorry, but what a stupid idea for your friend to suggest asking her to go to the river this weekend, knowing you aren’t getting along with your ex! Perhaps he was just joking. Anyway, yes you’ve been smothering her and you lost all control of your emotions that have been running wild for a long time. Even texting again yesterday was more smothering. Forget a face to face. Forget leaving a voicemail to say a little something as a kind of closure. Closure is something you work on by yourself to come to the final conclusion that the relationship is finished. The best thing for you to do for yourself and for your own sanity, would be to never text or call again and get on with your life!
Yes you will have good and bad days, but I hope you have lots fun at the river:)