How to get her back from her new man? (Not a rebound)

Breakup Help reconciliation
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@patricia12

I always see it online, that NC is the best option… but before, staying in contact w her as friends has worked for me to get her back, and even for him to get HER back from ME!

I am kinda having cold feet… I was telling her last night how I’m proud of her etc, and she said the same…

Do exes always start to miss the person, even if they’re “with” this new person? I keep feeling like it will just drive them closer… It scares me a little bit :confused:

Like I really want to maximise my chances of getting her back, but I don’t know how! I feel NC is more about moving on yourself and feeling better without her… which is nice and I hope that happens for me but I do really want to give it the best shot

In your honest opinion, if you were in her shoes hypothetically, what would allow her to come back to me? Being close friends and getting closer and talking everyday, or going radio-silence? Won’t radio silence send the wrong message? Idk…

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@JohnJ786 You’ve been her “rock” and someone she can depend on, but she also chose to get closer with James. No, exes don’t always miss the ex and especially if they are choosing to get close to someone else. But if an ex has time to consider the choice between 2 men, they usually chose the one they have deeper feelings for and were happiest with…

NC gives both parties time to consider the past relationship and whether or not it would be a good idea to reunite.

I don’t know what would allow her to reunite with you. She has to make up her own mind and she seems confused. Going NC/radio silence might help her to clarify her thoughts without your interference…

It seems you’re very afraid you will lose her if you do NC. It’s up to you, but if you decide to go NC, let her know you’re going to do it and why.

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@patricia12

Yeah that makes sense, it seems very hard to do atm but I do hope i follow through with it…

She said this morning she was crying on the way to work bc she hates her life rn, mainly her job and living where she lives atm. She hates it

Me and her were the closest and comfiest around each other, we could always just be ourselves around each other and never have to pretend, thats extremely hard to find. As well, I would say, for the most part she was the most happiest with me, but with him, there is a sense of a “fresh new chapter/beginning” if that makes sense… I feel she will still choose him as she is “exploring her feelings” about it…

I’ll go NC over this weekend and see how things unfold

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@patricia12

So we talked today, and she told me he asked her over the phone to be his girlfriend… she said she thought for a sec maybe this is moving too fast, but that they had been acting like they were in a relationship for the past month now and that she’s not too fussed about the label as they don’t mean anything to her, and that if a label means something to him then she is happy about it…

She also said she thinks he meant a relationship in the sense that now, they have that security and time and space to figure out if this is what they truly want… I don’t know if she sees it as a lifelong committment, but I know he definitely does

She says she won’t talk to him about it because they don’t talk about very serious topics, and that she doesn’t love him as they’re “not there yet” and she doesn’t want to talk to him about the relationship and what it means, and what the expectations are because she doesn’t want to deal with that “drama stuff” right now

She says she is happy being in a relationship with him now, because there are no expectations and no baggage and they are just happy being in the present… obviously being in a relationship means there are some expectations? ie you only get into a relationship when you see a future with this person, NOT when you just like them a lot… right? thats what dating is for, or am I wrong here?

She says she is happy to be his girlfriend though

2 months ago, she would be telling me how she can’t wait for a future with me, would be telling me everyday how much she loves me etc… and 2 months later she is in a “committed” relationship with the guy she always told me not to worry about, as it “didn’t work out” with them and “won’t work out” with them… she would reassure me so much when we were together, now a year later after those reassurances they’re together lmao

It seems like TEXTBOOK rebound relationship to me, as she is just saying how she is happy being in the present with him and taking it chill with him… I know if he never asked her she would’ve still been happy with him right now… it blows my mind how people can do this

What do you think of this? All my friends are saying she is acting extremely weird and jumping into a relationship which is destined to crash and burn once reality hits… I feel the same way but I don’t know, she falls in love very easily and becomes attached very easily and this stable option may just end up being the “love of her life”, the title which was once reserved only for me, for the longest time…

We had a short convo about why I respect myself enough to walk away from this, and that’s what I’m doing, I never want to speak to her or hear from her again I am truly and fully, done.

We used to call each other “frog” and “dog” when we first started dating and I told her “Bye frog” and she replied “Bye dog” and we left it at that

The only only ONLY way I would ever take her back is if she told me she liked me, apologised profusely and begged for me back and worked hard to GET me back, that is the only way I’d take her back, but we all know that will never happen…

It rubs me wrong as she says they get each other well… but they can’t even talk about serious topics… how good is the connection when you’re hesitant to speak to your s/o about serious topics?

This seems like a textbook rebound to me… let me know your thoughts

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@JohnJ786 I thought you were doing NC this weekend. Okay, most people get into a “relationship” because they like each other a lot and want to see where the relationship goes… During this time, they don’t date others. So now you’re done. No use trying to overthink anything. You don’t have to obsess about whether it’s a rebound or not. You don’t have to wonder why she chose him over you. You don’t have to contact her anymore for any reason. No more consuming your time thinking about what will happen in the future. Get on with your life and stop obsessing.

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@patricia12

Yes I had started NC since Saturday, thats when I found out she was now in a new LDR with him… it still makes no sense to me as you havent SEEN the person for so long and only saw him 3 times in 2019…

Anyway, I told her I didnt want to be friends anymore and we left it at that

THEN she messaged me late last night (at 2am, but it would be 9pm in her country) and she was showing me screenshots of messages that jealous BFF who sabotaged us sent to her during that time, and she said something clicked in her and now she believes truly that I was “roped into” all of it and I was a “victim” of all that stuff too… she says she truly forgives me now…

The REASON why she ended things with me end of 2019 was BECAUSE she couldn’t get over how I hurt her in 2017, she said she can’t ever get over that and that was the reason she ended things as she would constantly overthink about it and was back and forth with her love for me for so long after we broke up

Now, she knows that I was innocent in the whole thing, and she said she said she forgives me before but that she didn’t really mean it, but now she knows 100% that I was innocent in that and a “victim” of the mess the jealous BFF created… so now the reason for why she ended things is… completely gone? Like she ended things with me then and overthought all that stuff for no reason??

It makes no sense to me… But I guess it is a plus? She also retweeted something on twitter, it was a tweet that simply said “Love u” and again, it showed me that she liked a tweet about having such bad anxiety that you physically feel sick… I can’t help but think these are to do with me but I may be biased right now…

It would be perfect if she was single right now and the other guy wasn’t in the picture at all, as now she sees I was a victim back then too, and I never meant to hurt her, I was manipulated and everything, she finally believes everything I had been telling her for so long now… and if she was single she then wouldn’t mind talking to me like that again… but she’s in some weird relationship now with some weird guy who even she recognises doesn’t “get” her or “know” her like I do, they mainly just have fun light conversations and nothing deep like we used to have… and I just dont understand

I am going to keep up NC indefinitely, or at least for a month or two…

I really do want her back , but I’m not one to sabotage a relationship so I’m not sure what to do now. She is “locked in” with him now and I cant do anything :frowning: I keep thinking their relationship will just grow and grow and they’ll end up very serious and in love and will get married… it scares me so much bc that “what if” will always be there…

Like she MUST recognise now that she stressed herself over nothign and blamed me for hurting her in 2017, last year when she was in love with me… she must recognise that now that was all stupid as now she KNOWS I was a victim of the mess the jealous bff created too… but I cant do anything now

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@JohnJ786 Glad she knows about the mess the BFF created and forgives you. You say she saw James 3 times in 2019, but she also dated him in 2017.

Like you said, you don’t want to interfere/sabotage their relationship. Stop the endless discussions of her with your friends.

Continue no contact. Try to focus on your everyday life.

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@patricia12

Yes they dated in 2017 but they would mainly only see each other in college… once the break started they wouldnt really see each other… then in 2018 she only saw him in May of that year and no other time… then only a handful of times like I said in 2019… so I dont understand why/how “real” feelings developed over texting or anything…

I’m not trying to sabotage them, I guess I am just asking to feel better myself

We talked again last night as she messaged me, she basically said that if she knew last year what she realised the other night (about me being coerced into hurting her), it wouldn’t have affected her as much, and she doesn’t see me as someone who caused her pain anymore, whereas before she did and would say that James is the only guy who had never hurt her and was always sweet to her…

She also said that if we were still involved In any way, she would not have come to the realisation she did the other night, where she was able to genuinenly forgive me for hurting her years ago… she would always hold it against me and was the reason why she ended things end of 2019 with me…

When she said the “if we were still involved” thing, I asked if she meant if we were involved like we were recently, and she said she wouldn’t say we were involved recently… I asked her “December?” and she said she wouldn’t consider us involved then and she’s sorry about that…

She would literally be telling me how much she loves me, how no one gets her or knows her like I do, how I’m the love of her life, she cant wait for our future together, we’d be talking about kids names, she would ask me would I teach our kids her mother tongue or my mother tongue (I said hers, and she said “Ok good”) and she would even ask me if I am just a “fun time” to her… she said she didn’t see me as just a “fun time” … she was also concerned that I would lose feelings for her before she came back, and made me promise I wouldnt… she also thought one day I DID lose feelings for her… on 24th December, she was saying she wishes she could give me all the love in the world and that I’m “her John” and that she is so proud of the man I am…

How can you call that not involved?

I feel she feels too guilty to come face to face with the reality that we were involved in some way back in December (and the preceding months) as she is in a new relationship 2 months later… I doubt James knows any of what she would be saying to me back then, she has only told him we are “good friends” … So I think she is saying “technically” we weren’t involved, but telling someone you love them everyday for a whole 3 months is definitely being involved…

I don’t know why she would say we weren’t? Do you have the same viewpoint as me, that it’s because she feels guilty about it and is choosing to disregard it?

I dont know why, but I woke up really missing her and really wanting her back… she was always my girl and for the past 3 years she would always be so obsessed and head over heels for me even after we broke up and for all of last year…

Now she is in a new relationship, she comes back in 5 months which is so soon, and I feel they will end up lasting forever :frowning: I just dont know… I really want her back but I just dont know what to do as they are now “Serious” … :frowning:

I am going back to NC though for a while until I forget about her… I give myself a month or two

I’m not even sure if she will miss me as she has him to fall back on now…

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@JohnJ786 I highly doubt you will keep no contact and I’m sure you won’t forget about her. Try not to rehash the same things over and over and over in your mind as it will drive you crazy. When she returns in August, both of you will probably gain more clarity…

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@patricia12

I think it has become much easier for me not to speak to her now, than it was a week or two ago… after she told me about the new boyfriend I just kinda felt like there was no more point in trying to get her back anymore… idk

She texted me last night to tell me she was proud of me, that I’m doing great and that I’m appreciated… I asked why and she said no reason, she felt I needed to know and I didn’t reply

Today, I fully expected no text from her, but again she texted me a tweet and said “Thought you’d appreciate this” I still haven’t opened it

Is there any reason why she is still wanting to speak to me? Usually when I have a new girlfriend, all other girls I generally lose interest in and don’t really desire speaking to… but she has a new boyfriends and she is still texting me, her ex… who she was saying she loved 2 months ago, which now she disregards as “I was confused” … what’s going on in her mind?? Lol

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@JohnJ786 I’m not a mind reader, LOL. But maybe she’s confused or thinks of you as a buddy.

Go ahead and open the tweet. You know you want to…

And continue responding to her if you want, but try not to initiate any contacts. I guess that would be limited contact instead of no contact.

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@patricia12

Okay so her new man has a chronic illness which really makes her so scared and anxious every day and all the time so we had a whole 2 hour convo last night and she’s really considering breaking up with him

Basically she realises she’ll be in for a life of heartache if she stays, and she says she comes close to it like “no I can’t do this I have to leave” and then forces herself to think he’ll be okay it’s okay etc

But reality is, he’s only going to get worse and I don’t think she’s ready or capable of wanting that kinda life at all

She kept asking me “what do I do” “I should end it right?” “Why am I in this situation” “How do I even go about ending it” etc and I told her to take until the end of the weekend to decide what she does, so I really think she is going to break up with him as she was saying it’s the only thing she thinks about now, is worrying about him , and it’s driving her crazy

It’s a really bad disease and I do really feel bad for him, but he deserves someone who’s ready to set their life aside and be ready for a life of heartache and constant worry just to be with him. I think the fact she’s having doubts this early, that she’s going to break up with him

But I never know with this girl she could do a complete 180 and decide she’s okay with it. I guess we’ll see

Today she has been more responsibe to me and actually was kinda flirting with me too, telling me to “use my good looks” to start a YouTube channel or something along those lines haha. Then I said I might and she said “you have the looks for it too”

Lmao

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@JohnJ786 What is his chronic illness/disease??

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@patricia12

It is cystic fibrosis I think. Which is pretty rare in our country. It seems as that night she was contemplating a way out but last night she said she is “trusting in god And the universe”

…

She also said she is giving herself time before making a decision, but every time she has said that she has stayed with him, so I think she is going to stay

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@JohnJ786 You aren’t sure it’s cystic fibrosis? If it is, I read the average life span is 37 years, but patients are living longer and longer due to advances in research pertaining to medications and treatments.

Anything new?

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@patricia12

Yes that’s the average life expectancy, I think there’s a new drug coming out that’s going to make things better too which is good.

But the thing with this condition is that, no matter what, it’s an illness which gets progressively worse as time goes on. And one random infection causing pneumonia could be debilitating and life-ending. She said he had pneumonia last summer and nearly died from it, he was in a bad way. It IS a life full up extreme ups and downs and I’m not sure if she will be able to handle it in the long run. Maybe it will make her stronger but I’m not sure she is strong enough right now to be able to handle that, you know?

As well, I don’t think he worries too much about his condition, which he really should, she said his mother has to force him to go to appointments and checkups when he feels something coming on etc

He had been in hospital the last day or two, being tested for coronavirus (as procedure) and he doesn’t have it but she was saying she was having severe anxiety all day

I asked her how she felt about everything since last time we talked, when she was contemplating ending it with him and she said that she feels more at peace with it now, and that she’s trusting the universe etc…

Time will tell I guess

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@patricia12

There are a lot of other problems with CF, such as infertility (needing IVF which costs 5,000 over here per procedure) and increased breathing issues, infections, treatments which will only increase, physiotherapy, problems with digestion leading to lactose-intolerance-like symptoms, etc

I guess if her heart is in for all that, good for her, but I know it is something that will cause her a lot of stress and heartache for the rest of her life which I think she does understand, but doesn’t want to think about or acknowledge right now. It’s not even been a week since we had that conversation anyway so she may feel different in a month about things if it gets too heavy for her

I know myself, and I dont think I would be able to stay strong with that if I’m completely honest

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@JohnJ786 Trusting the universe sounds like the law of attraction in the book entitled “The Secret” in that a person will receive the things thought about… this is a cult type mentality which is delusional. Jodie Arias killed her on again-off again casual boyfriend Travis in 2008. She believed in the universe to bring Travis to her as a loving boyfriend, but he only used her for easy sex. When she realized he wasn’t interested in her, she killed him.

Positive thoughts are good, but to believe the universe will bring certain thoughts into reality is ridiculous!

Yes, time will tell what she will do…

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@patricia12

Yes, she’s a strong believer in the LoA, but more in a way where “your thoughts become your reality” or “everything happens for a reason” kind of way, so she is trying to keep her thoughts positive, and trusting that everything happens for a reason, which is why she is inthis situation as she feels the universe is trying to teach her something valuable like how to be more selfless and compasssionate ie a learning experience how her other relationships are too

Also, I forgot to mention, we had a convo the other night, she told me she doesn’t see me as someone who caused her pain, and when she thinks of me, the instant thoughts she gets is that she felt safe, cared for and so important, and someone who valued her thoughts and opinions and what she had to say at a point in her life where all of those things were lacking, she said her and her father have never had a great relationship and it felt nice to have a guy who treated her so amazingly like how I did (I’m paraphrasing but that’s the jist of it), and that I was so great to her and made her feel so nice and safe and important that it “makes her cry” when she thinks about it… but said that she just lost feelings for me and “that happens”… i said I think it was bc of her instability at the time and stuf she was going through and she said" natural processes of life I guess idk"

So I think that is really great! Back in October, she had an outburst one morning @ me, and was angry about how I treated her back in 2017, she said her image of me in her mind had been “tainted forever” due to how I treated her… and this kinda thinking carried on until she ended things with me end of 2019… now she is saying she associates me w feelings of safety, importance, etc. so basically good and positive feelings

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@patricia12

An update, on Wednesday she actually found out that her man was following/watching “sexy” girls on Instagram (models, gaming girls, random girls who post those kinda pics) and she was a little upset about it, but didn’t bring it up to him

On Thursday, she sent me a picture of a famous basketball player asking who it is, saying he’s hot and that she’d “climb him” … then she followed him… it seemed kinda out of character for her to do this so I think it was retaliation from her boyfriend following hot girls on instagram…

On Friday, we were talking and she randomly sent me a screenshot of a Snapchat I sent her long ago calling her “my little person” and she said she found it cute that I called her that… I asked her if she still has all our old photos, she said she does but she “shouldn’t really but if my boyfriend wants to stare at other girls I can do what I want” …

Then later on Friday, I was saying I find it funny that he is following those types of girls (seems like an immature thing to do - and im younger than him!) and she said “Yeah I find that so crazy” … she then said that he is into the whole gaming scene as well and that when they were friends she found it funny but now that he’s her boyfriend, she finds it a little bit… strange? That’s not the word but you get what I mean. Like mildly upsetting I guess…

Then on Saturday, she randomly asked me to CALL her while she was at work… we had a 20min convo and we were laughing a lot. She also told me that her man got mad at her when they were talking on the phone, and she lied to her mother about who she was speaking to (she was speaking to James, but she said she was speaking to her friend Sophie – due to her parents being like “no talking to boys!” etc)… she said he got mad at her as he thought she was embarrassed of him, so she had to explain it to him, and that he understood but sometimes he says slight remarks like “Tell your mom Sophie said hi” etc to indicate it bothers him… or something… and she sounded like she was annoyed by this, and said “ugh I wish he wasn’t white sometimes” (not in a racist way - more of a “why wont he just understand my culture” way, if you get me?)

That was Saturday, then on Sunday, she cut her hair and I asked her to facetime me and show me, and she did! We talked for about 7mins but as soon as we saw each others faces, we were smiling a lot, it was very nice to see her again… we had a fun conversation etc

Although all of this is happening, sometimes I am viewing these things as “signals” but I’m not sure If this is just her being friendly…

But on the other hand, she has a boyfriend, and is talking to her ex everyday, calling him and now even facetiming him and complaining about said boyfriend to him…

That’s another thing, she only seems to complain about him to me these days… yesterday she even said his mother seems “scary” haha…

Let me know what you think of these updates