How to get her back from her new man? (Not a rebound)

reconciliation
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Im 22, shes 21 and currently abroad since October, until this August. She confessed feelings for a guy she dated in 2017 who she stayed friends with. They are now long distance.

Met in 2017, love at first sight, everything perfect. Ppl caused drama, gossiped and made up lies to deter me, especially her jealous bff, and I ending things w her, it got messy and she was hurt. I was grieving the loss of my dad and didnt need this drama in my life

Later that yr, she’s casually dating this guy and she likes him, and he is nice and sweet to her. We start speaking again but she is still not over me. Things fade out with that guy and we develop a crush on each other. Mainly just flirted a lot and met up a lot in college then it died down after a couple months

Summer 2018, I realised ive strong feelings for her and I tell her. She tells me she is seeing someone else and really likes him. Considered NC but decided to stay friends and after 3 weeks, things end between then bc that guy said something stupid and she realises he was a rebound and that the person she actually loves is me. We start our relationship and were so sure of our future together.

7 months later, in April, her life is flipped upsidedown as she is finishing college, doesn’t know what she will do with her life and is being forced to move abroad with her parents… so she tells me she can’t be in a relationship anymore with anyone and ended it with me

We stay friends but feelings are clearly still there and we flirted, kissed and went on a lot of dates Summer 2019. She even started saying she loves me in June and would always call me stuff like baby, sweetie, sweetheart, “mine” etc and say she’s obsessed with me. It was hot/cold though sometimes

Before she moved away in October, we spent our first night together and she told me she loves me, that I’m the love of her life, “we never really broke up” etc. she moves away days later and she would tell me everyday she loves me and it only felt like it was growing everyday we were apart. It was so nice and comforting.

End of December, she tells me she would always go through this cycle of love/being upset w me as she’d overthink how I hurt her in 2017 and it was so up and down for her that she couldn’t do it anymore. So she ended things and we remained friends.

Found out through her 2 weeks ago that she felt feelings for that other guy she dated in 2017 over summer 2019 but ignored it as nostalgia or something stupid… but it kept coming back for her

He has always liked her and we both knew, it was kinda annoying when he’d hit on her when we were together and even after too. But now, she has feelings for him and they told each other they like each other, back when she “ended” things w me in December. He has been so persistent in ruining our thing it makes me so mad he succeeded…

She said he said he wants a relationship but she doesn’t know yet, but she doesn’t want one right now she just wants to take it chill & go w the flow… she says he makes her happy, he gets her and they get along well etc. We still talk nearly every day and I make her laugh loads. This doesn’t seem like a rebound… but they won’t see each other for the next 6.5 months so I’m hoping things fade betw them… but they may also grow stronger

I dont know what to do at this point. I feel going NC, she is the type to not hmu if she misses me, as she won’t want to “bother me” … pls someone help how do I get her back?

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@JohnJ786 When she returns in August, will she be living near you?

I would advise you not to contact her so often as she might start thinking of you as a casual friend. She sounds confused about her feelings, but if you limit your contacts, she might start to really want to hear from you instead of taking your contact times for granted.

Don’t ever ridicule the other guy! She has to make up her own mind who she eventually wants to be with, without your input. Always be honest, kind, and respectful with her…

Good luck:)

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@patricia12

Hi, thanks for the reply

To answer your question, she will be living quite closeby, around 20 mins away… I will be on break until the end of August, where then I will be working at the hospital 8-6 and coming back to college to study/socialise… She will be at college

The new guy will be living about 20 mins away from her as well, but he works 9-5 (i think) and doesn’t go to college anymore.

I was thinking of utilising a shortened NC period? Like one week? Given that she is so far… She told me that me not being in her life hurts her a lot as she realises that I’m not going to be there anymore and she should’ve shown how much she appreciates/values me more… this is when we had a talk 2 weeks ago where I said I would be going NC. A few days later I accepted the friendship

The thing is, in 2018 I got her back from a guy she was dating (granted she had hidden feelings for me that she kept denying) by being her friend and i know If i went NC she would’ve just gotten over me… This guy as well, they dated in 2017 and they didnt talk much only here and there but over the past year he had gotten closer to her and they talked more often… She said she only ever saw him as a friend then one day it switched for her and the feelings kept coming back as they talked more as friends

Even right now, they acknowledged they like each other and hes said he wants to be in a RS with her, but she doesn’t want that rn. She says she might want it down the line but she doesn’t know rn if she will or not. So they are just “taking it chill” and remaining friends who like each other and talking often, getting closer etc. She says the main reason nothing is happneing with them is bc she is still abroad for the next 6 months

Idk if this is a rebound, is it? I know it probably wont last the full 6 months as her feelings have changed every 6 months, but I also know this guy is persistent that even if she turns him down, he will just stick around…

The other thing is that this guy has a chronic illness which he spend 3-4 hrs a day managing, and his life expectancy is cut short to 30-40 yrs (hes 24 rn) due to the illness. So when we were together, she would always say she doesnt want to cut him off as if something happened to him, she would feel so bad for the rest of her life. I know that this also played some part in her developing feelings for him as it may have tugged at her heart strings a little seeing his struggle and worrying about him (I dont mean to sound rude, just being realistic)

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@JohnJ786 I’m a little confused. Have you been doing no contact for 2 weeks and want to extend it another week? I’m also confused about the status of your relationship. Are you a “couple” or casual friends? You had mentioned accepting a friendship, then things heated up…

Don’t contact her every single day as that can get boring. I’m assuming most contact is by text? If so, don’t drag out the conversations. Maybe call her on the phone occasionally. Since you already broke up with her once before, she’s probably skeptical and wondering if you might do it again. If you’re in a good relationship with her, you have to prove your love by being supportive of all her feelings and giving her attention etc…

Try not to stress about the other guy in her life. I’m sure he’s very nice, but like I said, she has to consider all factors and make her own decisions.

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@patricia12

So, we dated in 2017, but weren’t serious but on track to be, I wanted to and so did she but I wanted to take it slow. I ended things with that summer and she was v hurt.

Summer 2018, I caught feelings and told her, she said she had none and was dating someone who she really liked. I embraced friendzone and ditched NC. Over 3 weeks, she saw I changed and was kind and caring, she fell in love and lost interest in the other guy (he made some mistakes). She said she would say she has no feelings for me to push me away and avoid getting hurt again by me. But she saw I changed and she fell in love w me and it was perfect

She broke up in April 2019 bc she was going through serious stuff in her life and freaked out a little and couldn’t be in a relationship anymore with anyone, wanted to be independent and she blames herself for the breakup and not so much my mistakes…

That guy stayed friends w her through all of our RS and after and she ended up catching feelings for him last Summer when she would always say what they had at the end of 2017 (few months after I ended things w her) was a “joke”, “nothing” and said she would never go back to him and laughed at the idea… but he stayed friends, they talked a lot (never met up in person over summer, only once before she left in October) and she caught feelings but ignored them bc she loved me. She assumed it was just nostalgia. We were still broken up at that point but still very much in love again and seeing each other.

She moved in October and kept contact with both of us, mostly me. She’d say she loved me every day. But she would be burying her feelings for this other guy, and apparently the feelings “kept coming back”… It’s odd to me bc a few days before she ended things with me end of 2019, she would be talking about being serious with me, marrying me in the future, and sent cute morning texts saying how she loves me, I’m her everything, her whole world, how no one else makes her feel the way I do, etc. Even when she asked for “space” to consider me and him, she would still be calling me baby, sweetie, and getting jealous over this girl who flirted with me at work… a day later she said “lets just be friends” … she said it was out of habit and she had to force herself not to sometimes… idk how you act cute/flirt with someone out of habit and if you have to force yourself not to then what does that say/mean…

But yeah, don’t want to make this a huge reply but it isn’t about her not trusting I would dump her again, she knows I wouldn’t. We’re casual friends atm. Haven’t talked in 24 hours but we talked all weekend everyday and convo never got dry once. She even initiated and got jealous on V day when I joked about sending flowers 2 years ago to this girl she saw as competition when we were together… she even said happy V day and said that new guy isn’t her valentine and that she thinks I think they’re more than they actually are…

Them on the other hand, she says they’ve only said they like each other (1.5 months ago) and got closer since but that’s all – she says they’re still “just friends” but they’re “talking”

And to answer your question, I haven’t done NC, but I have started it, it’s been a day. I am thinking of going 1-2 weeks max as we are long distance rn, but I will come back after things settle at the end of that and try and reattract her back. Text is all I have and she mainly calls her guy but I could get her on the phone at some point, maybe once every few weeks. Even when we were together we wouldn’t talk on the phone much, that was just our dynamic.

I am thinking of using text and staying her “friend” to get her back, as that’s what worked for me with her in 2018 and what worked for this new guy with her last year, by staying a close friend.

What do you think? I appreciate your replies.

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@JohnJ786 You wrote regarding summer of 2018:“She said she would say she has no feelings for me to push me away and avoid getting hurt again by me.” That’s what I mean! She fell in love with you, but was afraid you would dump her again like you did in 2017! And you wrote:“… it isn’t about her not trusting I would dump her again, she knows I wouldn’t.” NO, she doesn’t know that. I’m sure it’s in the back of her mind. And you wrote:“She even initiated and got jealous on V day when I joked about sending flowers 2 years ago to this girl she saw as competition when we were together” NEVER joke or make comments about other women when you’re in a relationship!! Women don’t forget things like that! I suspect you’ve said other things to maybe cause jealousy, but it will always backfire and cause hurt feelings.

Yes, cute habits with a particular guy can become a habit… things like saying honey or sweetie etc. Don’t pay any attention to such things.

I like your NC plan, but don’t go longer than 2 weeks as I’m sure she and the other guy are also contacting each other and more contact usually means more interest and growing feelings. This is a big mess and she seems very confused as to who she wants to be in a relationship with at some point.

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@patricia12

Yes, I meant she used to do that over summer of 2018, but then she saw I changed and she allowed herself to trust me, which she did for so long and still does… basically what would happen would be that recently, she would express love for me, then her mind would directly go back to those events and she would feel hurt and upset like how she did back when that all happened, and she would get upset at herself (she hated who she was back then, she said she was weak and felt small all the time) and upset with me, then would snap herself out of it to forget it and go back to loving me again

It wasn’t about her not trusting me to not dump her again or hurt her again, but it was more so she was sick and tired of loving me, then remembering the events in 2017, even though I’ve treated her so sweetly ever since summer of 2018

She also said, she would remember those events and she would get mad at herself because she was allowing someone who hurt her to be with her, and felt like she was throwing away her self-respect and dignity by allowing that… It was really all a product of her overthinking. She has always been an overthinker and it comes out much much more when she goes through any kind of emotional stress ie what she’s been going through for the past year and why she broke up w me last April, and then even more so after she moved away in October 2019 until August 2020, she had a lot of time to overthink and be alone with her thoughts and it became more pronounced.

And the thing about me joking about sending another girl flowers on V day 2 years ago, I said that on V day this year, that I sent them 2 years ago (when we weren’t involved) and we aren’t in a relationship right now either, we’re just casual friends as I said. I would never do that if we were together. And the reason is, this V day, she jokingly said to me that her new guy sent flowers to her workplace (she was joking and pulling my leg) and so in return I was teasing her and “pulling her leg” in return as a joke. She was nice about it and laughed a lot.

Also, I know the name calling can be a habit, but is it a habit when you claim you have no feelings for the other person? She has a history of hiding her feelings from me…

And yes I agree w the NC plan, I might even end it after 1 week or 3-7 days as I don’t want to give them too much time alone to talk all the time and call etc.

Also, going back to the 2017 thing, she’s recently acknowledged that it’s her fault that she kept overthinking it and going through that cycle I described, and that’s mainly why she ended things bc I for sure treated her amazingly and fulfilled in every aspect… she acknowledged it was “her fault” we broke up and why she ended things recently and nothing to do with me, she just couldn’t keep going through that “toxic cycle of me and you” anymore, it was driving her crazy by overthinking. This never came up the first 6 months of our RS back in September 2018 to like Feb 2019. After Feb 2019 her life became v unstable and so did she and it has been ever since.

Right now, she seems relaxed, relieved and happy. But she does still hate being in the new place and hates her job, having no money, no license, no socialisation etc. So all of this gave her time to overthink a LOT starting last OCtober.

When she told me she loved me again in October, it was because I made her feel comfort, stability and security and she felt safe and warm around me. She said after she moved away, she would overthink and the love she had for me would be short-lived and would come and go every other day or so, and she was tired of feeling like that and feeling so up and down all the time, that she had to end it, and believes “me and her are done forever”…

But she said recently that, she doesn’t see us being together again as a posibiltiy right now but she is “a fool if I know what’s in the future” … she also said, anything can happen, life is unpredictable, life is very funny etc…

She told me last April when she broke up that we would never happen again and she couldn’t bring herself to loving me again, but she did. A month later, in late May, she started kissing me and that never stopped ever since then. We were “casually dating” and just enjoying being in love with one another. But she would have her off days where she felt she was leading me on and would get upset at me or angry at me for flirting with her… a day or two later she would be fine and calling me baby etc

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@JohnJ786 You wrote:“…she allowed herself to trust me, which she did for so long and still does… basically what would happen would be that recently, she would express love for me, then her mind would directly go back to those events and she would feel hurt and upset…” It’s so obvious to me that she does NOT still trust you. She wouldn’t be rethinking the experiences if she wasn’t deeply hurt by things you did and said. That’s why it comes up periodically. Over time, if you get back together, you will have to prove your loyalty. Once trust is lost it’s very difficult to regain it!

You wrote:“…she would get mad at herself because she was allowing someone who hurt her to be with her, and felt like she was throwing away her self-respect and dignity by allowing that…” Wow, now I’m wondering what else you did or said that she felt like she was throwing away her self-respect and dignity. I know you said you’ve been sweet to her since the summer of 2018, but what else did you do to hurt her prior to that?

I don’t see the humor in joking about other women at all for any reason whether you’re in a relationship or not. Those kind of jabs won’t be forgotten and only serve to hurt and make people feel insecure! Both of you are very young and will learn these life lessons as you grow older and wiser. Even when dating casually, attempts to promote jealousy always fail and make the date or girlfriend feel less wanted or desirable and resentments and anger can build…

I’m sorry to hear she has job and money troubles, but hopefully she will be able to work through all her issues. Life can be so difficult sometimes, but troubles don’t last forever.

Good luck with your plan.

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@patricia12

Hi Patricia thanks for the reply

Again, I don’t think it’s a trust thing, I was mean to her in 2017 and said some hurtful things, her jealous BFF at the time manipulated me into being this way to her, through lies and whatnot. Afterwards, that BFF put the girl through social torment. When she dated one of my friends at the time (she had known him for years before) it lasted less than a week and he also was very mean to her, due to the jealous BFF feeding him lies… She admitted later to me that she only got with him to get closer to me, and it was a stupid mistake

So when i say that she loves me, then is reminded of the past, she is reminded of these traumatic events and she gets upset as she starts feeling how she used to feel back then, in the present. A sort of trigger would go off in her mind to be reminded of these events, which she would associate with me then temporarily fall out of love w me, then forget it and fall back in love. It was a toxic cycle for her.

She even acknowledged for a long time that I’m changed and a completely different person to who I was back then and that I’ve treated her perfectly ever since we got together in 2018… but because she had a connection with me and not with the BFF or others, is why she would associate those events and bad feelings from that time and how she felt back then, with me. So not a trust thing, more like PTSD for lack of a better term. Where a trigger would reminder her every time she felt love for me, that those events happened. She was frustrated by it and just wanted to move forward, so recently ended thinsg at the end of 2019. It seems like a very pessimitic way of thinking and pretty self-destructive as it ruined what we had… she does know she has a major overthinking problem

She said recently that she doesnt associate those bad feelings with me when we’re just friends, only when we’re in love. But she told me she will now try and dissociate me completely from the person back then which is nice

And, it has always been our kind of humour to “pull each other’s legs” and slightly irritate the other by making these kind of jokes, so wasn’t a big deal neither of us were doing it out of malice. We aren’t romantically involved right now at all and would never do that when we were involved. :slight_smile:

Do you thinkI have a solid plan? I made a video of myself playing her favourtie song on guitar… so might send her that soon she will love it as she’s never seen me play guitar

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@JohnJ786 Your plan is okay and I think she would enjoy seeing/hearing the guitar video.

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@patricia12

She actually reached out today, to ask about how my appointment went… and we talked the rest of the day here and there. She had a podcast up online from work and I listened to it and she said she appreciated it a lot… something that wouldn’t have happened in NC! it is hard to go NC right now, but I am going to try my best. Hoping maximum from tomorrow until the weekend is over… then I will continue contacting every day or every other day (sparingly) :slight_smile:

Thank you for all your input, it really helped!

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@JohnJ786 What kind of appointment did you have?

Okay, so far so good. Wish you luck:)

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@patricia12

It was a doctors appointment! About something potentially serious so she wanted to check in

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@patricia12

So we talked last night. For some reason, she has always seen me as this conservative Person who follows strict principles and rules ie not wanting to marry a girl unless her dad approves etc (it’s a cultural thing), which is so far from the truth

She grew up around these kinds of men in her culture and so I always feel like she would want to assume I was the same, no matter what I would say to divert her from it she would always assume that, and she still assumes that. And it’s why she feels we will never work due to our “differences” … which we really do not have Many of at all

She opened up last night speaking to me about this and it got me thinking, do you think it’s a good idea to go over this with her? I feel it will help my case if she stops viewing me this way…

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@JohnJ786 Cultural differences can make a relationship very difficult, but I don’t think you’re ready to get married yet. Wonder what other differences there are? I don’t know if talking to her about it would help, but you could try…

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@patricia12

Those were the main differences… she thought I wouldn’t marry her if her dad didn’t approve… but it was just something I read online and it had been instilled in her brain as she misinterpreted it the wrong way

Also, people from my culture typically dont celebrate christmas, halloween etc and she assumed I would think the same way, I said I never did growing up but if she wanted to , we would… but she saw it as we didnt see “eye to eye” on this

And just stuff like that… it’s kinda dumb

One of my friends told me to just cut her off and never look back, as she “played me for a fool” by catching feelings for a guy she only saw 4-5 times MAX last year… just by texting him more

Do you think what she did is something unforgivable? She would tell me she loves me, then in the back of her mind she would have these ignored feelings for this guy which she didnt want to come face to face with… it seems very off to me

I decided today I wouldnt do NC, I would just keep speaking to her how we have been as its been very nice for the most part, she’s responsive and talks a lot to me. Is that a good idea? I feel her and the other guy may be getting closer tohugh as he sent her a box of a flavor of tea she had been craving to her workplace to surprise her… I feel these things will get her to fall in love with him very soon ://

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@JohnJ786 What is her culture and what is yours? If she was texting another guy while you were in a relationship with her, that would be difficult to forgive. And he sent her a box of tea… she might be encouraging him to become more involved with her. If that’s the case, it would be best to cut her off. But if you want to continue with her, send her the guitar video and speak to her if you want.

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@patricia12

We are both middle-eastern… We had a talk about things last night and I clarified some things. I think it helped but it is hard to shake those opinions of someone off… I hope over time they do change but she did thank me for clarifying

And yes, I feel they are getting more serious now. A month ago, she would be telling me she’s still processing her feelings for him, they’ve only said they like each other and are just friends, but now they seem to be getting a little more involved… even though they still won’t see each other for another 6 months…

I sent her the guitar video 2 nights ago, she said she really liked it but that was all…

I am feeling that this is over for good now. It is crazy to me as this time last year, if I had told her things would be how they are right now, she would not have believed it as she was so deep in love with me back then. She said last night we ended in April 2019, and after that until end of December was just “confusion” for her, “and yeah there were some genuine moments but mainly confusion”

I wish there was a switch I could flip to turn my feelings off for her as this is the most painful part of it all… she really has moved on and is not looking back. She seems pretty stable with this new guy… I see them going the distance, but I don’t know for sure since 6 months is a long time :confused:

I think I am going to try and cut contact from her, as I keep remembering our good times and getting really sad… I do want to talk to her but I can’t help but feel sad every time we do, as i remember she is probably calling this new guy all the cute nicknames and terms of endearment she would call me

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@JohnJ786 I understand this is a very sad time for you, but try not to think of the past good memories. Every couple who ever broke up had memories. Think more on the here and now. She is interested in someone else and that’s a fact. Cutting contact seems like the logical thing to do at this time.

Maybe try to date others and see what happens… Then later on in August, if she contacts you and she isn’t with the other guy, you two could have a conversation. And then again, by then, you might be interested in someone else.

Wishing you the best going forward:)

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PS: Where are you and is she returning to the same town or close by?