How to get her back from her new man? (Not a rebound)

Breakup Help reconciliation
41

@patricia12

It was 2 months ago where she would be telling me he how crazy she is about me… then a day or two later end it lol

Maybe 3 months ago she said that thing, where I should hook up with another girl etc… but I now if I did she would definitely have gotten jealous…

Even now, she was saying “I think it’s a good thing” if I go out and date this girl we both know… I don’t know why

She was telling me tonight that the reason she was drawn to James back in 2017 was because it was so clean and drama free and stable and that’s why she really wanted it back then

I feel the same thing might be at play here, that our situation was so unstable for her that now she’s with him, it seems very calm and relaxing in her mind

42

@JohnJ786 Yes, I know all that and I still stand by suggestion… Go no contact and date “normal” girls until August… maybe you’ll find a nice one:)

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@patricia12

Go NC until August? Or only for a little while now?

I really really want her back but she’s so far away and involved with this new James guy somehow, I never expected this to happen and idk what to do to get her it’s like she’ll never come back :frowning:

When we broke up last April she would still be flirty with me and hot/cold which kinda gave me signals she would come back , but now she is just completely platonic and idk what to do :frowning:

44

@JohnJ786 Go no contact as briefly or as long as you want. Date others when you’re ready.
I still think you could do better with someone else for the long run…
Wishing you the best.

45

@patricia12

Okay I’ll try go a week or two… I wanted your opinion on something though

I was scrolling twitter and sometimes it says " X person liked this tweet"

And she liked a tweet that said:

“I love the concept that love is a choice not just a feeling bc it’s true. Biologically, you can get used to someone & it’ll manifest as being tired of them or having the grass is greener effect on you. They could be doing everything right. That’s where the choice comes in.”

What does she mean by this?

What I get from it is that, she loved me but got used to it and it died down slowly, then she had to make a choice if she wanted to be with me or not, then weighed the options and decided she doesn’t… I always felt she broke up last April because she didn’t feel love for me anymore and didn’t understand that you can choose to love someone after the initial passion dies down… and she says dating me was nice but didn’t work “because of who we are as people” and I’m thinking she saw this and decided NOT to choose to love me then?

We did have some differences as everyone does, but a lot of the difference she thought we had, were bc of misunderstandings we would have. We recently talked about those and I clarified some things to her, and she said she appreciated me clarifying etc… but I don’t know

I wanted your opinion on what you think that means to her…

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@JohnJ786 You might be correct in you assessment, but there’s more to the “choice” than that. Over time, intense passion starts to fade, reality sets in and couples start to see the flaws in each other. If they have many more positive memories than negative, feel compatible as to goals and lifestyle, morals, interests, conflict resolution, and if they feel love, appreciation, and admiration for each; they chose to stay together because they are happy. The main ingredients of a loving couple would be happiness and compatibility.

But if they are unsatisfied/unhappy with the relationship for various reasons, they will chose to look for “greener pastures”… It doesn’t have much to do with whether one of them “does everything right”, it’s how well they fit together as a couple.

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@patricia12

Maybe 4 months before she broke up with me (January last year) I started feeling distant from her, and was questioning our compatibility and overthinking things. We hadn’t seen each other for about a month as she was on holiday and when she came back, and we went on a date, it didn’t feel the same for some reason.

After a while, the more we spoke and saw each other, I got that loving feeling back and was happier than ever. That was around February/March. Then she started feeling that way and broke up with me when she did start feeling that way. It consumed her and she said she was just as distraught as I was that she “lost feelings for me”… I think now, she has absolutely 0 feelings for me and only views me as a friend, only talks to me as a friend. She even said last night she’s grateful for our friendship. This makes me feel like we have completely 0 chance of getting back together…

Our interests were the same, our goals and lifestyle were the same, we differed in morals a little bit but it was mainly miscommunication between us which brought that about

But she continued to feel love, admiration and appreciation for me. When she started feeling off last April, she said she didn’t know why but she felt “small” around me ie inferior for some reason, and she didn’t know why. Around her family and friends she felt like a strong woman but around me she felt small and weak and she couldn’t put her finger on why. I always treated her as an equal, pushed her to do great things and she even says I’m the reason she decided to pursue grad school and she is very thankful for that. I was all about empowering my girlfriend and supporting through everything

Sometimes I feel our relationship has run its course and now we have to go meet other people in life and have no chance at a reconciliation again… do you feel this is the case? I felt this way when she broke up w me last April, but her feelings and love for me would come and go, then at one point it became stable and thats when she confessed she loves me. In April, I never thought that day would come and all the days of feeling hurt finally paid off

But now, she has only spoken to me as a friend for the past 2 months and I feel she may still have had feelings at the start of the year, but as we’ve stayed friends and her and James have gotten closer in that time, that those feelings are completely gone now for her too…

48

@JohnJ786 You wrote:“I always treated her as an equal, pushed her to do great things…” I’m glad you treated her with respect and encouraged her to pursue grad school, but perhaps pushed too much on various things which would make her feel inferior as if she wasn’t good enough for you. Did you compliment/praise her for her own accomplishments?

Is it possible you have a tendency to be controlling?

I don’t know if the relationship ran it’s course or if there’s a chance for reconciliation, but I think it would be a good idea for you to date others at this time.

49

@patricia12

Yes, I always praised her and made a big deal out of her achievements, I would be genuinely proud

But I was self aware and I wasn’t controlling or anything like that at all

I think seeing other people is a good idea too, but I don’t really have an interest in that atm so I am just going to focus on myself for the time being

50

@patricia12

My friend who would hang out with us a lot during our relationship told me that she is just “bored” and he doesn’t think she’s “really interested” in that new guy as she “needs people to take her mind off things” … he told me to distance myself now, and distract myself, so she realises she can’t just mess with me any time she wants…

See, why I’m confused is because I wouldn’t be one to randomly catch feelings for someone when I “love” someone else… and even then, I wouldn’t catch feelings for someone over text messaging, which is what she did… 6 months is a long time and personally, I do see them working out as I know he is persistent, but I know she won’t get into a serious relationship again any time soon, and especially not while she is abroad… this whole thing may just get a bit boring and “same thing, different day” for her eventually, as it did for her with us, and she really LOVED me, like she was obsessed with me…

She said, that when they had disagreements in 2017, they would distance themselves for a little bit, then regroup and it would be fine… I don’t think that’s a healthy way to deal with disagreements? Like, you must talk about them with the other person and reach common ground? I don’t know…

But what I do know is, this guy shows too much interest in her, and I know after a while it could feel suffocating for her. That is, if she’s still not ready to be in a relationship with him

I think if she ended up in a relationship with him I would break lmao

Today is my first day of NC with her. I plan on being indefinite, and at least 2 weeks, or until she properly reaches out…

Man I really wish she would have just stayed in love with me and didn’t overthink herself out of love with me, it really is frustrating, we’re like the same person and all the time she would say how comfortable she is around me, how she can just be herself, and how no one gets her like I do… she would love how I would always be there for her and how she didn’t have to worry bc at the end of the day, I’d be there…

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@JohnJ786 Try to stop obsessing about the other guy. Only time will tell what happens with that situation. And time will tell what’s going to happen with you and your ex too…

People handle conflict differently. Some prefer to discuss disagreements promptly. Some are more stressed and need a little time to cool down before they are ready to talk. If a couple have opposite styles and one nags the other to talk about an issue too soon; anger, frustration, and annoyance might result by either one of them. In a good relationship, the two understand and respect the differences…

52

@patricia12

When we were together, we would discuss problems right away, and she even said she would rather talk to me about it now, rather than let it build up and explode “sometime in April” … which is kinda funny bc that’s what happened, even though we talked about them properly and communicated well most of the time

With them, she compared it in December, that when they’d have a disagreement, they would take a step back to forget it, then come back and start speaking again… which I don’t think is very healthy? Like, does that not allow it to build up… I don’t know

But anyway, I have been NC since today, she initiated contact with me twice today, I replied once and “liked” the second message which was a couple hours later… now it’s been a few hours and no sign of her. I plan to not talk to her indefinitely, or until she plans to have a big talk with me about where her mind is at with things… It’s a risk losing this amazing connection we have, but I know we will get it back when we start talking again. I want her to experience what life is like without me, ie the consequences of her decisions bc it’s one thing trying to imagine it (which she did, and it made her really upset) and it’s another thing to actually live it… she hasn’t “lived” it yet, even after we broke up last April we stayed friends. I feel this will allow me to slowly heal from all of this and will slowly allow her to miss me, too.

I talked to a girl recently who ghosted me in 2017 after we talked for 2 months, she ghosted me bc she wasn’t ready for where our “thing” was going and freaked out. We didn’t talk for around 6 months then, I moved on from her and stopped thinking about her after a while although it did hurt a lot at the time, but she told me recently that she forced herself not to think about me, but she did “quite a fair bit”… and that was just casual seeing each other, no committment type of thing. What me and my ex had was serious love.

I want to ask you one thing, sometimes memories popup on my phone of “1 year ago…” etc and sometimes it’s a video of us being stupid or having a nice time or something, and she gets annoyed when I send these to her, to like, share the moment with her? We would talk really light and friendly and it seems it would be appropriate to send her stuff like this from time to time, but nowadays she gets a little irritated if I do… they’re not even “romantic” videos or pictures… a month ago, she actually asked me to send her ones I’ve never sent before and now, this… I feel like she’s trying to force herself not to remember or remind herself of what we had and how beautiful it was…

53

@patricia12

Sorry for the replies, I dont mean to overwhelm you

She messaged me 3 times today, to which I only replied to one that was this morning as I said before

She tweeted something earlier, I think it was song lyrics that went like “to know you is to love you and i love you even still” … This could be just harmless song lyrics but I’m not sure why she would specifically tweet out THESE song lyrics… you know?

I’m not one for checking social media, but it showed up on my feed she also liked a tweet about how dating older men gives you anxiety bc of how they text like they’re about to break up with… either it could be a harmless thing she found funny, or, this might mean they’re getting more and more serious…

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@JohnJ786 Stepping back from a disagreement to forget it doesn’t sound healthy, but stepping back to regain composure in order to calmly discuss an important issue and resolve it is better. Unless problems are talked through and resolved, yes, anger/resentment builds up.

Yes, NC will allow her to miss you and not take you for granted.

Don’t send her the memory stuff unless she asks. Surely she has things of her own if she wants to look at them…

Stop trying to guess what things mean on social media! It’s a total waste of time and energy… Try to focus on your work, school, studies and any other thing that’s a part of your life.

55

@patricia12

Yes you’re right, I guess I didn’t understand why it upset her as I saw it as sharing memories with a friend or something

I wasn’t looking too much into it, but it caught my eye when I saw it, my friend told me its “definitely” about me… but I do think it’s just about the song

So, after NC, what am I supposed to do? Like, a month goes by and I slowly just get back to speaking to her, yes? Leaving crumbs Here and there until eventually we start talking all the time like we used to, which brought her back before

56

@JohnJ786 You might let her know you want some space/time and not to contact you so you can properly process the breakup. After NC just send a short note and ask how she’s doing. Then take it from there…

57

@patricia12

Thanks for the advice! We actually had a short conversation last night, she had a question and went on a rant about something she read earlier in the day

We ended it off with goodnights, but we used to call each other “frog” and “dog” when we first started dating in 2017 and I signed off with “Goodnight (frog emoji)” to which she replied “Goodnight (dog emoji)” it was pretty cute haha

I know I keep breaking NC but I am going to stick with it from today…!

When the NC period is up, I’ll contact her and slowly build that attraction back as I’ve done before, even when she was physically seeing someone else, not over text as it is now… although seeing her a lot in person helped back then.

I also had a really bad dream about her and her new guy, I worked at a shop and they came in and started flirting, kissing, laughing, etc… i was shaken up when I woke up…

She asks me still, about girls and stuff, I met up with an old friend recently who I used to date years ago and she said “So how are you and your new gf Rachel?” in a jokey way, when I denied there’s anything there, she started sending winky faces… I told her something about this girl telling me something too and she kept asking who the girl was until I said it was this random one she won’t know who she is and she said okay…

I’m just confused as, it DOEs seem like she is just trying to be buddy-buddy with me by doing this? I know it might seem like she is jealous… but it doesn’t sound like it?

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@JohnJ786 Don’t talk about other girls!

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@patricia12

She actually asked me earlier to call her later to “calm her down” as she was freaking out about something at work! … she could have asked her “man” but she asked me!

We ended up not calling as 5 mins later she said she felt okay now, but she did still come to me about it to call her and calm her down. I think thats a little significant :slight_smile:

I keep trying NC but she always texts me

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@JohnJ786 It seems she uses you as a sounding board and takes you for granted.

You have to let her know you don’t want any more contact for awhile and you won’t be replying to her texts! Maybe she will miss you and come to understand she might loose you.