I mean he does not know what he wants right now at all. And you do not know what he is going through at the moment so don’t make assumptions about that. If your behavior was escalating prior the time of break email it could be simply that he was feeling fed up. Because if I was recipient of that kind of treatment I would cool it off because it is invasive and maybe bit scary too if someone bombards you constantly with messages so therefore I would have not told either. When he send his email he was at work right. Both of you are right now in a situation that you absolutely should not be together like dragongirl said you need to concentrate on YOU and not him.Right now essential is not does he really want the break up or not. What he needs is space and to see that you are not clingy and needy that you can be strong and manage on your own. If you instead contact him you show the opposite and he will run a mile at this moment. You talk about not liking to lose control but in relationships you cannot ever control the other person if you do that is not a healthy relationship. The only thing you can ever control is you and your own actions.
Yeah that’s true. He was at work and while I had given two days of no contact and had not heard, I then returned to my behaviors. 
I still don’t think his phone is on due to his lack of presence on Instagram and idk which calls and texts he did and did not receive. He does have a work cell though that I never had the number too bc he likes to keep personal and work life separate, but he still could have let me know 
that’s also why I’m nervous bc if his phone hadn’t worked the whole week I was sending 10-15 then was he just gonna disappear? Or maybe it had worked. I guess I really do not know and need to stop trying to guess because it does not help me.
He still has not contacted me. This is no contact day 4. He is a recruitment specialist at a school and is active on their website it seems he starts early and works late and that also annoys me because we were doing well before he got this new job… But anyways what I wanted to say is that I had gone back to Facebook and then deactivated again because I WANTED to like a post on his schools page but I did not want that to count as breaking no contact (as he is one of the people posting on that page bc that’s his job…)
And yeah on the control thing. I think I feel like so many bad things have happened to me and I tried to take control and I was not controlling of him I just would try to take control in the form of text messages and freak out if he did not respond, etc
You are right though, I need to focus on myself and hopefully he does on him as well. I am just worried this will happen and I will never get him back x.x
I do, however wish he would chase me again and give me that attention he used to before I became needy! Gah!
Hi Brokenhearted, In answer to your questions, Guys will emotionally distance themselves and detach prior to exiting the relationship months before. So yes, he was planning to break up with you before you e-mailed his work. Although he may have been upset, it wouldn’t have been the only thing that made him break up with you. There were severe issues in your relationship that made him walk out on you.
I asked my boyfriend about the e-mail because it sounds like you are really annoyed by it. He said it sounds like his e-mail being distant and non-chalant was him trying not to upset you anymore because he was afraid of you doing something else even worse. He does not know what you are capable of and probably thinking that an emotional e-mail is going to set you off. I’m sure he cared because he has a past with you but to be honest, he was scared of you at this point.
He’s not going through the addiction thing as much as you because he’s angry with you. Anger trumps any emotional attachment that he might feel but right now he’s shut down, unreachable. It’s going to take a long time for him to open back up.
He reached his breaking point with you long before he actually called it quits. Did you ever notice a change in behavior? Think about when the two of you were getting along and happy. Now think about what his behavior was toward the end-do you see any differences? Usually there are many that girls miss.
Yes, you contacting him now would be frustrating because he’s shut down because he doesn’t want you in his life at this time. And he means it right now. Therefore, continue to do NC. It’s the best for both you and him. Don’t worry about your anniversary until you actually get him back if you ever do.
“And it’s so hard for me to respect his decision when I don’t know what he really wants and don’t know how to interpret his email;” Addressing this statement you made, your ex has very clearly told you what he wants. It’s in the e-mail. And you are overthinking it way too much. A guy says what he means. If he really wanted to continue the relationship and work on the issues, he would never have written that. So your mind is just tricking you that you don’t know what your ex wants because it hurts less. But as hard as it is to hear, you have to believe in what he’s saying. And like finntoga said-you can only control yourself. Just because you are dating someone, doesn’t mean that you control the entire relationship. That’s not how it works at all.
@dragongirl is right @brokenhearted123. I just think your ex is in dire need of moving on and getting rid of these negative/angry feelings. Do no call him, don’t contact him and do not exmail/text him any more. Continue with No Contact and work on yourself. Even if your ex did want you back, he wouldn’t want a desperate emotional wreck would he?
https://www.forum.exbackpermanently.com/boards/topic/my-nc-experience-so-far/
This is my story so far. 11 days of No Contact.
I haven’t heard from her at all, but I’ve noticed she has deleted pictures of me, or pictures that would remind her of me from FaceBook and Instagram.
Of course I don’t know when she has done it because I haven’t been checking them every day, but it could’ve been when she found out I unfriended her off FaceBook.
I do want her back, and I’m hoping I will … but it feels like I’m hoping for nothing and that she won’t even want to talk to me.
I don’t even know how I could classify the break up … was it bad or good? Well bad because of the way I’m feeling, I guess.
We had sex before the break up talk, so it felt really out of the blue. My mum thinks she just needs space to focus on her exams now, but I don’t know.
No one has contacted me to ask me what happened … we have many mutual friends, and I’m pretty sure they’d like to hear my side.
Thanks for your response. I guess I don’t know if I agree with you regarding him emotionally distancing himself and planning to break up with me. I say this due to our history. We got into a bad cycle of me blowing him, him ignoring, him cooling off, him coming back, etc. Not healthy and that’s why I don’t know if he was actually planning it before I emailed his work and had called. He also is not the type to delay when he wants to end something (given past experiences) and he has said things before that he does not mean… we both act out of emotion a lot. He does have anger issues and in our relationship has said he does not want to be with me, when in reality, he did.
I don’t know if this will change your perspective or not but that is why I am so confused. So many times have one of us said things we did not mean because we were upset, angry etc. And I do agree that me emailing his work was not the only thing, he was still angry and things were building up… I just do not know if he was planning to break up or he was angry (like he would get and not respond bc upset and he was too angry/immature to like work on that in a healthy way) and then the email was the nail in the coffin. Does that make sense? My past posts with my other account may shed light on the nature of this as well. Once again not healthy but it may change your opinion. Last time we broke up he said things he did not mean and he really only wanted a break for us to work on ourselves so we could be together HOWEVER he did not communicated that AT ALL until we were back together
I am annoyed by the email. He was at work… and I’m not sure about trying not to upset me because he knew the “have a good day” would upset me… I’m also not sure if he was scared or if he was just soo angry and too frustrated (and he sucks at working that out in a healthy way, he honestly does)
I guess I want to know how angry he is and such. I also, due to past experiences, think he hadn’t reached his breaking point but we were just unhealthy. Like as soon as he wants to break up he does. His behavior and mine had both changed and he also lost his grandmother so it’s hard to determine what was related to me and what was situational. My roommate also believes that he tried a lot Nov-Feb and then I continued my behaviors and he wanted me to try more Also during the past 1.5 months when we had gotten back into the cycle of me blowing up and him ignoring, I spent the night one time and he kept telling me he loved me and was upset when I did not hear him one time so he repeated himself saying “I said I love you” … I don’t know… I don’t think he would act like that and be so physically affectionate as well if he knew he wanted to end and had reached his breaking point. Our situation is also annoying because of our whole history and past doing a lot of the same.
And I guess I don’t know, like I said, what he really wants because he has told me so many times that he’s done, doesn’t wanna be with me, etc and that was only out of anger! and frustration. He didn’t mean it.
That’s what I mean by it being hard to respect his decision. I’m going off our whole relationship and everything that has happened and how I know he does not say what he means…
That is why I want to know if he wants a break for us to work on ourselves or a break up " bye forever" type of thing… also he had said the friends thing before “as long as we never lose each other”
My therapist says we are very codependent and this may help you better understand and anaylze as well. She will be working with me on my own behaviors as she does think he will come back. Do you think he will come back due to our whole history, situation, etc? Adn the fact he came back last time even after threatening to go to the police for stalking (and again! not meaning it! ) ugh. That’s the issue with him is his anger causes him to say things he doesn’t mean
And yeah, I’m working on trusting and giving up some control
@cantsum if you could also read my reply to @dragongirl ?
It’s just hard given our history AND I know that regardless of what he wants he is probably too angry to know himself.? I don’t want him to move on from me. I do want him to move on from the anger. I just want to know what he actually wants bc last time he said we were done and he actually only wanted a break for us to work on ourselves all along and he did not communicate that
I also know that I should let the anger pass I just want to know if he is done w me forever or if this is the same situation as last time and the other times…
You being a virgin doesn’t matter at all. My bf and I were long distance for a long time and he managed to handle it just fine. No I can see that he wasn’t using you for sex which means inside he’s a good guy. Guys react to breakups in all kinds of ways. Some will resort to drinking/drugs, others to sleeping around, some shut down and hang out with friends and others want to be left alone. I don’t know your ex so I can’t tell which behavior he would most likely turn to in order to deal with his emotions. Even if you are scared that he will have rebound sex, that emotion isn’t helping you. You can’t do anything about it even if he goes out and does it so why worry about it. You are just going to make yourself feel even more sick thinking those thoughts. Distract yourself to break that chain of thought. It’s like stabbing daggers in your own heart. Please don’t do that to yourself-try your best to distract yourself.
What was your texting pattern normally like with your ex? Him not letting you know was pretty jerky and inconsiderate of him because you were at the time his gf. So him not letting you know, is proof that he was thinking of breaking up with you awhile before this happened because he cared less about how you were feeling-so much so that he didn’t even care to tell you his phone was going off.
You sound like a really awesome person Brokenhearted but you have a lot to learn about relationships. Grow from this experience. Go out and do your photography!! Embrace the single life. Read articles that tell you about the pros of being single. There are plenty of benefits!! Don’t worry about him coming back or not. It just feeds your obsession that he is never coming back. No one knows that for sure. Continue to do NC and be proud of yourself that you controlled your actions. All we know is that at this time, he’s shut down and in his man cave doing thinking of his own. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you at this moment unless he says otherwise. And if he’s still in love, you will pop up in his thoughts all the time. Things around him will remind him of you. And if he isn’t in love, he will still hurt because he lost a love. So it’s not all sunshine and rainbows on his side either. Breaking up sucks for everyone involved.
@brokenhearted123 … NO ONE can tell you what he’s thinking/feeling right now. All we can say is that his email points to him wanting to move on.
He’s angry at the moment, and contacting him is only going to make it worse.
I don’t really know the numbers: i.e I don’t know when you broke up and how long you “pestered” him for.
If you carry on with No Contact now, he’s either going to 1) move on completely or 2) Wonder what happened to you and start missing you.
Like Kevin said “it’s a leap of faith”.
It’s obvious you want him back, but you’re putting him on a pedestal and it’s NOT healthy. The ONLY way you’ll have any remote chance of getting him back is by going No Contact and letting HIM offer for you two to get back together. It’s the harsh truth.
I don’t need to read any other comments here because I know, and you know, that what I’m saying is right.
@Dragongirl … could you please respond to my situation? I’m having a hard time too.
Hi @cantsum, we just broke up 6 days ago lol… We had broken up before though and my point was that he was so angry and frustrated he was pretty mean when he broke up and didn’t communicate what he reall want which was only a break for us to work on ourselves to be together again. Given our history and him saying things out of anger and frustration without meaning them it makes it harder to know. In a normal relationship it would be cut and dry but we both have our issues and aren’t exactly normal lol
Also last time I texted him on his bday and he told me he loved me and called me babe -.- so yeah wth that was after three weeks of NC and he had liked some photos of mine and I ignored it. This was in October
Yeah I don’t actually think he will rebound it is another of my irrational fears. He most likely is upset and sulking. As far as the texting patterns goes, it really changed and depended on how we were doing in our relationship and since we both had fallen back into our respective bad habits, him ignoring and shutting down and me ignoring, it was harder to tell. I think @finntoga is right in saying that he was too angry at that point to let me know about his phone. Besides stuff w me he had a new job, his gma died early much, he has a 5 year old, and apparently financial strain.
I do agree that it was jerky of him to not tell me AND he had gotten back to that point of anger frustration and shutting down. I think he wanted t
Yeah I don’t actually think he will rebound it is another of my irrational fears. He most likely is upset and sulking. As far as the texting patterns goes, it really changed and depended on how we were doing in our relationship and since we both had fallen back into our respective bad habits, him ignoring and shutting down and me ignoring, it was harder to tell. I think @finntoga is right in saying that he was too angry at that point to let me know about his phone. Besides stuff w me he had a new job, his gma died early much, he has a 5 year old, and apparently financial strain.
I do agree that it was jerky of him to not tell me AND he had gotten back to that point of anger frustration and shutting down. I think he wanted to see me get better and not blow him up bc I got worse before he went back into his ignoring that’s also why it’s harder than a normal situation to determine what he was really thinking. And you’re right speculating does not help me. I know he wanted to marry me and if that’s true and he still loves me he will come Back like he did last time… I just really really hate unknowns
@dragongirl sorry my phone cut my message off. And I meant his grandma passed away early March. And I also know that nc is probably my best option bc even if I could talk to him and get him back, (which I have been able to do in history minus the time in October) right now that would just keep us in the same cycle
I have to agree with dragongirl said. She says it so much better than me. What he did is jerky and what you did was bit out there with the obsessive behavior but relationship is not on healthy ground if you constantly break up or end with blow outs and the other one not talking and wanting to break up. Like everyone in similar situation only thing you can work on is you and getting yourself into the stage where you also believe in the fact that you are great person, there is nothing wrong with having issues as long as you work on those and that you are just as deserving of good things in life like rest of us and you are strong, smart and beautiful person. Crappy things happen to everyone because that is life. You have good days and bad ones.Just remember always what you and have and appreciate that as there are people always worse off than you.
You two cannot be together right now because it would be disaster you might get back together or not time will tell but no one can say that for now. Again I agree with dragongirl right now he is not in the mood for it and take his word from the email for now unles she says otherwise, he does care why else he would say someday he wants to be friends but right now he cannot do it. Will that change in time anything is possible and there is nothing wrong hoping that he would but you need to do things for you, plan for you and this nc is part of it that you do it for you to make sure that regardless will you two end up together or not you will always be just fine and there is happiness wit other people as well. We are capable of loving more than one person in this life time and even though you now feel like he is the only person you will ever love ,you are still very young and have plenty of happy years ahead : ).
@Finntoga … could you help me out?
Cantsun what can I do?
I mean let me know how can I help you?
Right, here’s the thread I opened https://www.forum.exbackpermanently.com/boards/topic/my-nc-experience-so-far/
Not every detail is on it because I didn’t want to overwhelm people on this thread with a wall of text … thanks!
@finntoga yeah I don’t know though given our history if he really means it . Is there any way I could tell? and yeah that’s true about loving someone. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone though…
Also like I know it wouldn’t be healthy right now and I don’t want him to move on. I want him to want a break like last time. How will I know what he really wants? this is day 4 of nc and I haven’t heard a thing I feel like he does not miss me or something and I’m scared about his phone situation. My anxiety is pretty off the charts right now. I am trying to work on my issues and it is so hard for me without knowing if I will get my baby back and if he really meant what he said. The friends thing really annoyed me as did his email and I really do not know how to interpret it