Like my anxiety is terrible and I wanna know what he is thinking and I know he is the only one who knows. I just am terrified I have lost him forever
You have to first accept that least for now you cannot have the answers to your questions and as much as you need and want to know this is the reality of the situation. Right now you are doing exactly the things what you need to work your way out off which is obsessing about two the three things that you cannot resolve this point nor control. What you can try to control is your thoughts running constantly on the same circle instead of you trying to change to what can I do next, can I make some fun plans for the weekend. Try new hairstyle or something that you like doing to get you from your room and your mind running this one circle off what did he mean what he wrote, will I gt him back etc. Have you thought about volunteering somewhere for one day a week or couple of hours. Just something to do to get to different gear and slightly more positive step.
I can see that you are trying to give yourself hope that this time was the same as last time. But you have to think of each break/breakup as an end to that particular relationship. Each time, you get back together-the old relationship is dead, it’s a new relationship. The reason is that after each break/breakup, the two of you grow as individuals. During that time, both of you do a lot of thinking and change as people in different ways. Does that make sense? You guys had a very dysfunctional relationship but you know that already. It’s obvious you have been doing a lot of thinking on whether he planned or not planned the breakup. Whether he planned it or not, doesn’t really matter. You know why? Because you would still be in the exact same place you are right now-Broken up and not talking.
I understand what you are trying to explain with the painful breakup/makeup pattern. The harsh reality is that these type of roller coaster relationships are emotionally volatile and frequently end with one person exploding out of anger. The two of you haven’t learned how to work out your problems and each time you tried to make it work, the relationship failed. It takes two people to want to fix a relationship. One person doing all the work can’t do it by themselves. And you can’t convince an ex to want to work on the relationship. It has to come from within his own heart. If he doesn’t want to, you have to respect that. If this guy isn’t meant for you, it’s like trying to force a large square block into a tiny circular hole. No matter how much you try, it doesn’t work. It sucks but it’s true.
No one can say whether your ex will come back because we aren’t in his head. Your therapist should not have said that to you because it gives you false hope and that’s wrong to do that to you. And it will hurt a hell of a lot more if he does not come back. Just take it moment by moment.
He may decide that the relationship pattern that you guys had was very UNHEALTHY and that’s not how it should be. I’m sure there were good times but honestly, your relationship sounds really hard and probably took a lot of energy to continue to try to fix the problems, on his part. If he has finally seen that a roller coaster relationship doesn’t work and always fails without change, then he may decide to move on to another girl. Love shouldn’t be that hard. I’m surprised your ex put up with it for so long.
And even if he still loves you, he may move on because he knows that the two of you don’t work well together. Sadly, sometimes love is not enough. In your mind, you think that a good talk will iron out the problems and the relationship can be salvaged. In his mind, he might be thinking that the two of you will keep repeating the same pattern and he does not want a part of that. But he may also miss you so much that he wants to give it another shot even if it’s a tough relationship.
For now, think of the breakup as final and focus on you. He may surprise you and come back. No one knows right now. Catsum is right-it’s a leap of faith. Both Finntoga and Cantsum are giving you great advice. As for it being hard to respect his decision, you have to go by what that last e-mail to you said. Until you hear otherwise, you don’t have a choice.
You need to face your fears. So what happens if this guy never comes back? Be prepared because that is a possibility. But guess what? Your life will still go on and you will find love again.
Cantsum I didn’t see your posting until now-sry. I’ll check out your problem and see if I can help.
Thanks 
@Dragongirl
Yeah that’s a really good point and I think a mistake we made last time was that we kind of picked up where we left off or at least I know I did mentally. Like I came into it thinking the same exact things as last time and being insecure and worrying he would not respond etc. We never fought in person. If we had I would have ended it. All the dysfunction came from texts being misunderstood and/or the unhealthy blowing up and ignoring pattern. He did go a while not ignoring me even if I would send like 10 messages and I really appreciated him for that; however I think around mid February he began to become upset thinking I was trying to push my relationship beliefs on him and then a month later told me he was upset which is why he had contacted less and he was upset bc of him thinking I wanted to control the relationship. In regards to my therapist I spoke with Her and while she was not trying to give me hope she understands how I understood it that way -.-
I just really miss him and I know none of us know what he is thinking. Last time soon after we got back together he was upset bc I blew up his phone and said the time we spent not talking was for us both to work on our issues and he said I seemed like I was still impulsive and not trusting .
I know that’s a huge issue for him bc it is hurtful! I mean someone you love not trusting you is super hurtful. How do I work on that part of me? And help myself learn to trust others.
Do you think he will ever talk to me again?
@dragongirl
Also what you said about both people need to want to make it work.
We both had tried to make it work but when he tried, I was not trying and when I tried, he was not and we were both too stubborn to like change ourselves even more idk
And ah I hope he doesn’t move onto another girl he has focused 3 years on me 
I wanna make us work and deep down I feel he does and I guess we will see I know it is best to not speculate and follow no contact and reach out at the end showing him I have made positive changes
Also this is the last thing I sent him on Sarurday, 4 days ago… Could this make him think??
Esp if I send nothing else
I wanted to apologize for my emails yesterday…that’s why you got so upset and angry in the first place. I need to work on myself and my issues as you need to on yours. I also want you back and I would just like the ultimate truth if you want me and love me like you say you do. I know you said I was different than any other girl for you and you wanted to fight through frustration to be with me. I want to be with you too.
We’ve wasted so much time miscommunicating over texts when we could have been happy. We both let our issues and fears affect our relationship instead of working on those issues. I would really like to speak with you in person. I know you so well and I know you wouldn’t have said the friends thing if you didn’t actually still want to be with me. I just wanted the truth yesterday and I acted extremely inappropriately.
Yesterday I was hurt by that email and thought it was sent out of anger/frustration. Then I let myself get swept up in the cycle of it all. I did act crazy. I fell back. I was hurt and am currently trying to have compassion with myself.
I think we can work things out and I believe you feel the same. Maybe we need a break to work on ourselves, maybe we need to talk, I’m not sure.
I guess I want the truth. If you love me enough to fight for us and become healthy again. I love you and i want you and even though yesterday hurt me I think it was an email out of anger… I don’t believe you want to let go. I will commit to trusting you completely including that you will respond back and also commit to being more open about my fears.
I have so much more I want to say to you in person and I hope you give me that chance. I love you (his name). I honestly do. With all your defects and perfect imperfections. I see the good in you and I have seen that you really were trying and weren’t ignoring me for the longest, and then we both feel back. I take responsibility for my part and commit to continuing to improve my mental health. You make me crazy sometimes and then I end up just becoming more aroused for some reason. I want to get mentally healthier not only for me but also for you. I just really want to know how you feel and I commit to not blowing up. It seriously is toxic.
Please let me know if you can come over and talk even if you take a little to cool down.
Love, (my nickname here)
Yeah Brokenhearted-each time you guys give it another chance, both of you have to see it as a clean slate. Remember that!! Otherwise, you will poison the relationship with all the problems and insecurities of the last doomed one. Repeating the same pattern. You were already waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak even before he did anything wrong.
And last time when you made contact on his b-day and he called you babe and all that, what do you think would have happened if you hadn’t? I’ll tell you! Eventually, he would have initiated contact because he would be too in love with you not to do that. So you might think that not writing him by a certain day will result in losing him forever. Love doesn’t work like that. If he is your true love and you are meant to be with him, his heart would make him contact you. And he’d be unhappy dating anyone else until he got back together with you. So keep doing NC bravely!! Don’t be so harsh on yourself. Make a list of things you love about yourself and post it where you can see it.
And yes, he will talk to you again!! You guys have a deep emotional attachment. You have been together a long time and you won’t be easy to get over either Brokenheart. That’s the reason he tried over and over to make it work. You guys just needed to address it and make an effort to fix the issues at the same time. One of the reasons a rollercoaster relationship is intense is because there is a lot of love there-A LOT. So just be happy being single. Time will tell but it’s okay to talk out your emotions/feelings here. It’s better than texting him. And slowly you are evolving as a person. You may not see it yet, but just reading through your posts and you can tell little by little-you actually are.
Spot on Dragongirl. You said it perfectly.
@Finntoga-Thanks! I think your advice is great as well!
Brokenhearted-here’s my thoughts on your e-mail.
Never point out the issues that he has to work out when he’s pissed. That’s a lesson for you. He will become defensive and resist you even more. He knows what he has to fix-he doesn’t need to be told.
You are trying to remind him of the sweet things he says. He sees this as trying to convince him to change his mind. He sees through the words and sees it as a ploy to manipulate him. Once again, builds up even more resistance.You are trying to point out the problems in the relationship. He knows the problems and has his own version of the problems as well. You ask to speak to him in person-he sees it as begging. You try to tell him what you think he meant by friends-he does not care. He’s pissed and doesn’t even see friendship at the time because he’s in blind rage territory. You continue to try to control how he feels. That’s a mistake and it creates more resistance to wanting to talk to you. He’s on the defensive and will deliberately NOT talk to you and shut down further because you are trying to tell him how he feels when you aren’t in control of his mind. GUYS HATE THAT.
You even give him an ultimatum by saying that he will respond back and continue to set conditions. He knows you love him and are in love with him. But his anger, emotions, his perspective on the relationship and god knows what else he’s thinking caused him to walk away from you anyways. Each time you tell him I love you, it loses it’s affect on him. When I love you is overused-it’s worse than not saying it at all.
With all that said, you did finish off the letter on a good note. You talk about how you are trying and working on yourself in the future. And the best thing is that you mention the things that you like about him. So hopefully, you learned a lot about what to do/what not to do next time around when you write an e-mail to a guy again.
Brokenhearted-Guys have major egos. And although they appear to be the stronger sex, they get hurt very easily and very deeply. A lot of girls don’t realize that and guys get crushed. Guys stay with girls that make them feel good emotionally and physically. If he thinks that there is more pros than cons to the relationship, he will most likely return. If on the other hand, it’s more cons than pros, he will move on. Little by little, he was making this list in his mind and keeping track of things that you were doing. Even if you weren’t aware of it.
@dragongirl that’s an excellent point. It was way easier for him to start a clean slate than me… Also he didn’t believe I could give him the benefit of the doubt (guessing due to my trust issues) and I’m trying I just dunno how to counter those 
@finntoga you had really good advice too! I actually haven’t cut my hair since September because I’m growing it out but I could use a little styling without losing much length
And yeah im sorry I have so many feelings and emotions to talk out but I thought it was better to talk them out here than text him!
And yeah that’s a good point about last time. He had liked my photos on Instagram a few days before and I had remained nc and for his bday I just really wanted to say something so I did and it did work out for me but I know every situation is unique .
I think writing things that are good about myself or even positive steps I have taken for my issues could be helpful as I often am super down on myself and tough with myself
And yea that’s an interesting perspective about a roller coaster rekarionship I never thought of that! I do think if he did not love me he would not have stayed with me for so long and same can be said for me with him. It is just so hard not to ruminate and think of my regrets or think of what ifs
Ugh also he’s the recruiter for the school he works for and I guess today is report card day and I saw a pic on the site w that girl /coworker that I think likes him. Like how do I stop myself from being irrationally jealous…
Ahh @dragongirl I just read your comment about pros and cons! That’s a good point I just hope he needed a break so we can focus on us then work us out but that depends on if he can believe in us too and yeah he has told me before no one affects him as much as I do… And I don’t know why he doesn’t like to express his feelings when he is upset like he masks a lot and then it comes back to bite him im scared though about what will happen
Haha @dragongirl I just read your thoughts on my email… Oh my gosh! I had not even thought of any of that! I know he had said before that I tried to influence his opinion all the time when that is not how I mean it at all! I also just wanted to talk and I didn’t know it could come off as begging… I definitely came off as begging with the mass of emails I sent the day before that… I didn’t say what his issues are I just said in general but you so have a good point there as he probably would be upset and angry to the point of blaming me!
I also totally had given him an ultimatum the day before when I was going crazy saying if he did not talk to me or meet in person I would never talk to him again and he would lose me forever -.- that’s another reason I sent what I thought of as more of an apology email.
There is nothing wrong with talking about your feelings and especially when you feel anxious so please do not apologize for that you are smart girl and you are doing right thing talking about it rather than contacting him and none of your feelings are wrong to have. What I meant to point out is that you keep the same circle with your thoughts which is will he still want, does he love me, does he think of me , miss me etc. But those thoughts are tormenting only you when the question is that why would a gorgeous person like you would take him back? Isnt he lucky to have you especially once you work on some of the trust issues and focus on making yourself strong and confident. Just try when that thought train comes to turn it away from it and try think of something else because tormenting yourself will not help it just makes those anxiety levels go up. Nor does checking FB and that school page help : ). You dont need that.You two are not together and he can do what he wants, when ever he wants and who ever he wants with. You saw a picture of him and colleague and look what you thought oh she must be the flirty colleague so what if she is, is he not allowed photos with other people, women or colleagues?You know he is yourself, I am not sure are you thinking that he is doing these things to hurt you? Because he is not he is just living his life. When you get these negative thoughts try to think good things about yourself, make plans about looking into new jobs or maybe taking a course or getting a new hobby or anything going to see a film, meeting friends or weekend trip or just go for a walk, listen to party music and dance.You can do this for sure. Like dragongirl said you can already see in your postings how you are beginning to see these things yourself compared to the couple days ago. All feelings that you have are fine, normal in this situation and there is nothing wrong with them. The trap is the negative thought cycle you stay in so no that you are getting good seeing it , next step is to start working on changing it. And that means stopping looking for information on him online or trying to wonder if his phone work etc. Styling or maybe some highlights to your hair can do a trick, I always find after having my hair cut and highlighted or getting a facial I feel like million dollars. Start paying attention to what you look like when you go out I dont mean full on warpaint but little something on or wear something that flatters you, honestly getting some attention from others is nice and great ego boosts when you see that your e is really not the only one who thinks you are attractive. It does not mean you have to date or do anything you are not ready to but just getting appreciative looks can cheer you up. You are doing better than you think : ). You are making progress so feel good about that.
Hi @finntoga
Thank you for saying that. Yeah about the work Facebook… He just posts pictures of the staff at the job and he was not even in the picture with her it was just a picture of her and my jealousy said “oh my gosh he’s takin a picture of her ???” When it was clearly for work and not a very flattering picture… But I still am jealous because she gets to talk to him and not me .
Yeah some days I dress up and some days I do absolutely nothing because I’m so down! And you’re right about the negative thought cycle because one thought leads to more which leads to some more… I keep wondering what will happen what did he mean when he broke up was he planning this does he only want a break, will this be like last time, has he given up on us, etc
And you are right I am tormenting myself by trying to figure out those answers when I don’t even know!!! Idk what to do though
I also keep thinking what if he never contacts me during the nc period and does not even notice I have said nothing ugh