And feeling anxious today. Why has he said nothing !!!? This is day 7 NC ughhhh I don’t think his phone is working still which does make it easier and he isn’t big on email but if he really wanted to he could get a hold of me ughhhhh a;lsdfja;slkdfj;asldf mad
Help! Any advice would be helpful? I read on another site that since I was needy and clingy showing him I can go without contact will make him realize I can change and also make him wonder where I am??? And why I’m not texting him? Is this likely?
@cantsum @dragongirl @finntoga
Had to cut my trip short because I chipped a tooth just got back and waiting to get emergency dental appointment. You have to keep in mind that the person who ends the relationship has slightly different stages in their thought process than person who gets dumped. I know this because I have been in both roles. Like in the beginning and even thought the 7 days may feel like eternity to you it is only one week so not that long really. You are sad, miss him, cannot see life without him, wonder what he is doing is he thinking about you etc. I am not saying that this is not what he does because I can only draw from my own experience and I am not a man but my first feeling after leaving a person who even proposed to me was relief and I mean god honest relief it was over, he was very clingy too. And that to me is normal in the situation where you have had time to think about the ending of relationship and the other person’s behavior that has bothered you. Same time I was also angry at him making me feel like I was trapped and I could not breath because he wanted to be with me all the time and put me on this ms. amazing pedestal which I could not sustain cos I am beautifully so not perfect and stubborn as hell. After couple of weeks I started to feel guilty because I had hurt him though in my mind I knew it was necessary because I really wanted out of the relationship. But I felt guilty and reached out to see if he was okay, he assumed it meant I want to get back together which I did not want so I stopped contact and just checked couple of times through two mutual friends that he was okay. We went two months no contact and then our friends organized dinner with a large group and we were placed next to each other in the table, it was awkward first but during the dinner we spoke a little and then he accidentally tip my drink in to my lap or maybe not so accidentally and I took as funny thing and said do you think we are even now and he laughed and we managed to get through the dinner, we talked later and agreed we will not see each other again not even as friends because it was what he needed and I was okay with that because I did not want to get back together. Now why this is different from your situation is that I really did not want him back. With your ex chance is fifty fifty he might or might not we dont know. So in my case nc would not have worked. Why I told this is because I want you to realize that stages the leaver goes through are different and in different order than the person who gets left who necessary did not see it coming. I did not miss him but I was not also that in love with him to be honest.I felt he rushed me into more serious situation when I wanted to get to know him first more since I had just finished a long term relationship so he was more my rebound I guess. Now person who has had passion like you two did will have that at some point but as I said it has only been 7 days so he could still be angry or it could be that right now he is relieved you are not bombarding him. The why hasnt she texted me will come later not so quick as you want and expect. So it is question of time and obsessing and over analyzing does not help you. You should take responsibility of your actions that contributes to break and learn from them but it takes two people to tango and it was two people in this relationship too so you are both to blame for the end. What you need is time and lots of it to work on the issues and once you can safely say fully trusting yourself to control your behavior when you get anxious and say :I will not bring mistrust, anxiety, act clingy or needy in my relationship only then are you ready so start something again. So in this case the longer he takes to contact you better it is because if he contacts you now or next week you are not ready to be with him. You will say yes I am ready because I know what I did but you are not because you cannot so quickly refrain from the negative pattern completely so it would just little by little come back to picture.No one can. Positives are that you are sticking with this nc despite feeling the need to contact him but you are still extremely anxious and spending time obsessing about same things so that is what needs work.
@finntoga Oh no!!! Are you okay??? I hope everything is okay! Did it chip so much that it hurts? 
I hope you get the emergency dental appt soon! What happened?
And yeh that’s a really good point. I’m surprised I have lasted that long, to be honest, but it has helped me see that I CAN go without talking to him.
So at least that is a start!
And yeah I still am feeling all of those things and that is exactly what I am thinking. Thank you for sharing my experience…that shows that it can go either way. I do believe he really loves/loved??? me… he and I both don’t say those words without meaning them.And omg he even proposed! Wow! And yeah that makes sense that he would first be relieved especially because he also was angry. And I am also stubborn haha I guess that happens sometimes 
And oh wow yeah that makes sense you felt that since you seem like a really sweet and genuine person. Wow, I can’t believe they placed you next to each other haha. And that’s good you were able to talk and end it on a good note! And yeah I guess we don’t know about my ex… I just hope he will want me back and we both work on our issues. And yeah he definitely has anger issues so he would take even longer to cool off! And ohhh that makes sense about the rebound thing. And yeah that is true. I wonder if he will wonder why I am not contacting or at least be surprised because he expects me to contact? He probably expects that given my past… lol… And yeah our behaviors fueled the other person’s bad behavior so that makes sense I want to be able to leave my issues OUTSIDE of my relationship! My psychiatrist made me agree to leave my phone at the hotel 4 out of the 6 days I am on vacation next week. And yeah you’re completely right that I still need more time. And yeah that’s true. I still keep ruminating and trying to imagine different outcomes and situations! I know that is not helpful and I also don’t know how to stop doing that blahhhh.
I have no idea what happened. We were having dinner and I took a bite of salad so nothing that could have chipped it and suddenly I realized I have more than salad in there a small piece well it was least one third of the back tooth that came of but I have the piece so. Luckily so far it does not hurt because I read it could have broken in a way that nerve endings could have been damaged but this happen late last night so there is still time. It looks like I might need to wait until tomorrow so I hope it does not start hurting because tooth ache is the one pain I really am not good with.Besides I hate dentists ; ). Good advise from your therapist to leave the phone. Try every time you are about to check his instagram or anything else to stop yourself. Because you can. All you can do is wait and see how he reacts but at this point any contact needs to come from him and him alone . Do your nc time however long that may be depending on your progress working on you and only then reach out once in casual way. Yes he proposed, threw that in as en effort to keep me but I could not take it very seriously because I felt that he did not even know me as a person. It is interesting how different your relationship can be. I mean my last relatioship that ended and he kind of left me in my mind so I ended it but I still love him, he is the love of my life but I have accepted that I will have to live my life without him, we had no issues nor arguments other than one he refused to tell his ex who was still living his house (he has big house) that he was in relationship with me. I met her but he introduced me as friend and that was the final straw for me. To me it was weird when I was suppose to be the person that he loved more than he ever had loved anyone else. I gave an ultimatum that he needs to come clean and he was like I am not ready for the drama and I thought it has been two and half years and I moved a country for him so I had no choice but to realize that he is the love of my life and I want to be with him but I am not his and it hurt and this is not okay the lie for me so I had no choice really. But I am now at point 5 months later that I know I will be fine without him. I cannot start new relationship yet but I have friends, things that keep me busy and I have great moments of happiness too. So you see sometimes it is not about how much love there is but bad timing and the issues that people have. Like I have to come to realize that he is absolutely wonderful person, the best I have ever met,kind, honest but he is emotionally immature. He avoids dealing with emotional issues and I cannot change him he is who is and I love him as he is but if there is an aspect there that goes against your values like this hiding and lying went against mine you cannot be in that relationship and simple. Thanks for your kind works about me. I wish I was always that nice. I can be very sarcastic at times. But I try to be a good person sometimes I fail but I try everyday and I have to work on hard with that I would not be judgmental so it is not always so easy. Anyways you are making progress so feel pud about that and work on the other issues. It comes from your own thought process you do control your thoughts and fears so just keep working on stopping the cycle when you feel you go into by just saying no I wont. Only you know your relationship and him so if you say you know he loves you than you are right. I think you not contacting him is initially a positive surprise for him but then I am sure he will wonder why not so it is good to keep him wondering. He is most likely expecting you to crack and contact him so it is good to show him you will not. But it just takes time and time is not the enemy it is the healer : ).
Hi @finntoga
Oh my goodness! That is so strange!!! I wonder why it chipped I’m glad you can get it fixed tomorrow morning though… Because toothaches do not sound fun! Yeah, I am glad you are doing the best for you and facing the dentist even though you don’t like dentists
Oh my goodness! You are so strong! I am so glad you stuck with your decision. She was living in his house for 2.5 years that you were together!? Omg what on earth!! Like he should have come clean! I can imagine his choice was really hurtful to you and know that you deserve someone who WOULD sacrifice drama to be with you I am glad you are doing well and learning more after 5 months and healing as well it is so encouraging to hear!
And lol I can be sarcastic sometimes too and I also try to be nice and kind as well you’re welcome about my kind words it is just what I think based on your comments you also seem wayyyy wiser and more patient than me haha.
And yeah that’s a good point I can control my own thoughts even if it is hard. It has been hard because I keep going to Instagram and he has posted nothing in 2 weeks and I also don’t see much activity like him liking things AND I know I need to stop! I even begun freaking out thinking “oh my gosh did he make a new Instagram???” But that seems like too much work…
Like he did make his Instagram private when he broke up w me… So maybe he just has been super busy and also phone is by working and he has not been on Instagram?
But then I keep thinking what if he ends up changing numbers!!! And it really freaks me out ugh
And I know that is letting myself get caught up in my thoughts and is ultimately not helpful… But it is so hard to not worry “what if I complete nc and it turns out his phone is off!!!”
I almost want to call blocked to see if his phone is on yet and I am resisting bc that would be cheating nc
And yeah he probably expects me to beg and send as many messages I sent the day he broke up… And I haven’t I just need to stay strong and keep goin but so hard when I don’t even know the status with his phone ughhhh
Ughhhh he still had not been on Instagram from what I see and I keep worrying if he has made another account and I doubt he has. And then I wonder if his phone is working yet or what if he changed his number and I have no way of knowing! UGHHH so anxious this morning
So my roommate told me I need to delete my Instagram and stop freaking out about the phone is it working or not bc I don’t know right now and I could only find out by calling it and that could break nc … She also had me delete my phone history so I stop looking at the school page well makes it harder at least and I realize that I need to cut this habit of hyper vigilance ANYWAY . It’s just so hard and I’m struggling I miss him
I’m really struggling keeping NC today. I want to call and see if his phone is back on. He hasn’t been on FB or IG besides his school’s fb page… Idk where he is and what is happening and if his phone is back or it’s not, etc
And I’m really having a hard time today can someone please help
You dont need to know what he does because right now it is none of your business. YOU ARE NOT TOGETHER NOR A COUPLE at the moment. You say the same thing everyday, you need to try to change the chain of your thoughts and only you can that. Your roomie was right but obviously you are still stalking his sites even after that. That checking needs to stop because it says you are not making progress and you would so do that even if you would be with him. So just stop it cold turkey, you can stop yourself if you really want to. It is a mind over matter and you need to take control of your mind. Just keep trying. Sorry if this sounds harsh but it is the reality you are living and you need to be accountable of yourself.
Thanks. No worries, I needed to hear that. I know we aren’t together and I still keep obsessing mostly bc I want to figure out the phone situation so I will know what to do after nc… And I know that isn’t too helpful bc i have 3 weeks still.
Do I really say the same thing every day ? Lol I thought it was a little different. Maybe not haha.
It’s just hard I’m day 8 of nc and feel so hopeless and lost and keep wondering does he not miss me. I am going on vacation next week though with my mom dad sister and 3 year old niece
I hope it will help me . I plan on leaving my phone in the hotel for most of my time there. Thursday I will need it to speak w my therapist but other than that I would only want it for photos. Blah.
And yeah you’re right I need to stop my unhealthy behaviors and thoughts bc even if we were together they still would be unhealthy!
Also does not help bc my other ex called me yesterday and it is two years since we broke up and I just feel bad ignoring his calls sometimes … I didn’t talk to him when I was in a relationship though… And also he is the one that cheated on me and that fear took me over and my anxiety got worse … And my recent ex never did anything to break my trust. Blah. I wish I could erase all the anxiety and unhealthy habits from my mind! My personality is a bit obsessive as I’m sure you have caught onto and my ex thinks I am addicted to processes such as stalking or checking up on social media… I want to break it so bad it’s almost like an addiction
Yeah I have noticed that you can be bit obsessive and get stuck on the subject like his phone working : ) but the thing is that thing can be fixed by you actively working on it. So it is not like you will be like that forever and ever. Human mind is amazing thing and we can learn, change etc a lot during the years. Different experiences do that and so ou learned some negative things from your last relationship, but maybe talking to that ex about it if he is willing would help deal with that negative baggage. You need to forgive and yourself. Also not everyhting that went wrong in your last relationship with the ex you do want back is your fault. It takes two to tango like they say. He was wrong to ignore you to me that is not healthy and you were wrong with obsessing, trying to control him. You know what you did wrong so now you can work on those things but you also need to learn you own impulses regarding the negative tendencies like checking his phone, instagran and obsessively thinking about it. Think about the fact that you have already gon through 9 days of nc… give yourself a pat on the shoulder for that without contacting him, two weeks ago would you have been out of question that you did not contact him : ). Also you aknowledged the issue huge positive so now it is question of taking the control of those negative emotions and you can and will do it because you want to have good loving relationship in the future. Why would he change his phone number? It is a hassle, especially once he gets it fixed and sees that you are no longer calling so stop worrying about what wil happen in one months time you are not there yet so forget that for now. Who is the priority now? You are and not him. Who needs to feel good about themselves? You do. So concentrate on that.
Hi brokenhearted-I was away because I’ve been working on major projects at work. Now back to the matter at hand. It looks like Finntoga gave you incredible insights and advice. You have to find a way to break the cycle of your thoughts. It’s been said time and time again. One thing you can do is to change your surroundings and routine whenever you get back from your vacation. I can see one of the main sources of your anxiety is whether his phone is back on. I’m going to play devil’s advocate a minute. It makes me wonder if it would be better to call his number and see for yourself whether it’s back on. Of course, you don’t have to do it from your number-but from another one. In a way, yeah it’s cheating NC but it may put your mind at rest at least a litte about wtf is going on with his phone. It sounds like you not knowing whether his phone is on is fueling your thoughts into this emotional whirlwind that is making you even more anxious.
@dragongirl
That was actually really helpful. I called it blocking my number and it is still not on! Lol smh so that makes is way easier for him to not contact me bc he rarely checks email. However I know if he really wanted to he would find a way. Hopefully it will be back on soon enough… It’s been out for like almost 2 weeks! I hope your project is going well!
Also yeah it is so hard to break my thoughts. And you’re right @finntoga has given super good advice and thank you finntoga for that. I have not checked his Instagram or his friends Instagram or his fb yet! I hope I can make it the whole day. And yeah last week finntoga I did not think I could go this long nc and now I am on day 9.
And yeah I recognize my obsessive thoughts and behaviors and you’re right I need to confront them and not let myself keep caving to them. As far as the other ex goes he had emotionally cheated on me, not physical but to me it’s still cheating and I’m not sure if it would be good to keep talking to him bc he is still quite obviously in love with me just a mess
And yeah we were both wrong we tried to control the other instead of letting ourselves drop our fears and past experiences and yeah phone still isn’t on but it hasn’t been disconnected it just temporarily doesn’t have service still
Thanks for the lovely comments ladies.Now you know about the phone and can forget that and concentrate on you and working on that negative thought cycle. You are doing good with the nc and if you cans stay out of checking his social media for couple of days it is start little by little that becomes easier. So keep at it. You can do it. : )
Thanks @finntoga
And yeah I know it’s still off but I’m still worried he will never turn it back on… But maybe I can call blocked in 1-2 weeks and check if it rings then hang up.
That is so much easier for him to not talk to me tho which annoys me. Also annoyed bc when it’s off he probably thinks I’m blowing his phone up and I’m not
I’m just annoyed like why isn’t it on still. He probably thinks I’m blowing up and that annoys me. If I were I would be still emailing his work telling him to check personal email…
And yeah if I want to be w this ex he isn’t a fan of the other ex bc of how the other ex treated me.
I still haven’t checked his sites though BUT I WANT TO
OMG I think some guy at work asked me on a date so awkward I am not ready for that!
I told him i was quitting and he was like when’s your last day and told me we should go to lunch or drinks I think to like celebrate who knows idk it was weird lol… And I was like excitedly “yeah!!” Cuz I thought he was just being nice…
lol the universe is trying to bring guys to you. Hmmmmm I wouldn’t bring another ex into the picture. Then you have double the problems and they become even more complex plus the chances of hurting the second ex are very high which is a bad thing because it can cause bad karma to come your way. Like I said earlier, change your routine and environment as much as possible. Like in your place, change the look of the rooms. It doesn’t have to be big changes but small ones. It can help you to move on from the hurt of the breakup and signals to your mind, that you are making big and small changes in your life.
I’m glad you were able to figure out whether he had his phone on/off!! I think it might be off because he expects you to blow up his phone especially if you have done this in the past. Since he’s still pissed off, he probably doesn’t want to deal with the drama of a hurt and angry ex so it’s safer to keep it off. I’m sure that will change before long because I don’t know anyone that can live without a phone. Another reason might be because of financial difficulties paying it.
I think it’s awesome that you have continued NC. I’m still catching up on your posts that I missed.