Wow. That must be weird and kind of heart wrenching to see her around and not talk to her. I don’t know how I’d handle something like that, but we live so far apart, that’ll never happen for us.
It is very hard to motivate myself. It’s hard to even get myself to practice piano and it’s in the same room as me.
I’m sure she doesn’t have that much time to think about anything else. She said herself that she’s so busy she doesn’t think she even has the mental capacity for a relationship right now. Pretty much every day of the week she’s busy working hard. She probably does think everything will be fine if she keeps busy.
I do drive myself sick thinking about her. Physically ill. And it feels like everything reminds me of her. We shared so much that almost anywhere I look I see something that makes me think of her. It’s a horrible feeling. It hurts to the point where I don’t know how I can even stand it. I can’t see myself being even half as happy without her.
I understand the need for no contact. It’s good advice, and maybe she will miss me. At first I couldn’t believe that she could just throw our relationship away like that after almost two years. It felt so wrong and cruel. When we talked again, during my breakdown on the phone, I asked her how she could just throw it all away after two years and her response was “I’m 25 years old. Two years is nothing.”. Ugh. She also said later, “If you really knew me we wouldn’t have broken up.”. That hurt very very badly.
In my online communications class I’m taking right now, we’re reading about interpersonal relationships. The different stages of relationships, different events of a relationship, how they work and such. Currently we’re reading about listening and how crucial listening is to relationships. I spent nearly 10 years pretty much isolated so I missed out on doing most teenage things like dating and hanging out with friends and such. I didn’t actually have any friends until a year or so after I moved to Boise around 4 or 5 years ago. So my people skills kind of aren’t the best and my listening skills can be pretty terrible. I have a hard time remembering things that people tell me and I can be extremely stubborn and not listen when someone’s asking me to do something different.
One of the things she told my friend as a reason why she broke up with me was “The sheer number of times we’ve had the stop doing the thing conversation. But i’m like a broken record here. Sometimes I think he just likes the sound of my voice so much he doesn’t hear what I’m saying. He got some things eventually, but after a lot of effort on my part. And sometimes I have so much going on in my own life that it was hard to drop everything to understand him. Which is where compromise comes in. But then I started compromising my aspirations and dreams for him. So I had to stop.”
I feel like my poor listening skills added a lot to the break up. It’s something I’m trying to improve on, but it just feels like it’s another thing that was my fault. And maybe her expectations were too high. I think they likely were. I can’t be perfect, I can’t do everything she expects. I’m pretty far from who she ever thought she’d be with, but I did everything the best that I could, even if some of the time it wasn’t very well. I made tons of mistakes due to inexperience and my own somewhat anxious, introverted and shy personality, but I wonder if her expectations were so high that I couldn’t fulfill them. We once wrote out and sent each other a document of “Relationship Expectations” because we were trying this communications thing where we wrote things out and sent them to each other. Probably not the best idea looking back, but at the time, I guess we wanted to find out what we expected of each other and what to strive to be. I tried so hard to live up to those expectations, but I got pretty stuck in my comfort zone and just going through each day expecting things to be fine the next day and if anything came up, we’d deal with it because we love each other. But I was very wrong and I didn’t live up to her expectations and even worse I broke down almost every time we talked for the next 3 months after the break up. I feel like I’ve turned her away so thoroughly. But I do think her expectations for me were maybe too high. As much as I’d love to live up to them, it was hard to meet.
She can be pretty demanding but that’s also something I love about her. I just wish I could’ve made her happy.
I’ll keep the bear and hold on to it for now. I hope so much that she’ll talk to me again sooner rather than later, but I understand that talking to her now won’t make things any better. I can’t even handle looking at a bag of gummy bears because it reminds me of her. There’s no way I can handle just being her friend. I have a lot of self work to do. Though it’s hard as hell to get myself to leave the house and do it.