Going through some things. Would like some advice

Breakup Help reconciliation
21

If you can’t delete her just yet, I would definitely put where her posts don’t show up on your wall and try not to actively go seek her out on fb. Like you said, you feel betrayed and hurt and your reaction is very natural, it all bubbled up. It’s extremely hard to put yourself first because you’re so used to putting her before you. I always did the same thing for my gf, if she was happy, then I was happy, if she was upset, it would get me upset and it was an emotional rollercoaster. The problem is basing our happiness on someone else’s happiness always leads us on the path of when they are up, we are up, when they are down, we are down.

If you’re not sure how to love yourself more than her, that will take some time. Only you have the power to stop blaming yourself. I know she made it all out to be your fault but it really wasn’t. As stupid as it is, yes she loves you, but it’s too easy to pin everything on you so she doesn’t feel guilty. Her conscious is better that way. You don’t have to believe the words that you deserve better, but just do it anyways. Say, I know I deserve better…even if you think you don’t. It puts some positive in your mind. As far as you’re being ridiculous and pathetic…take those words out. They’re destructive and negative and will bring you down. You’re in love and there is nothing ridiculous and pathetic about it.

But yes, think it and say it constantly. One day you’re going to believe it. Work on secluding a spot you can go to and even if it’s in your house and you’re alone, pretend she’s there in the room. Get angry at her, cry, lash out and feel that anger flow out. Write things down…things that you’re confused about. Also write down things that were negative about her in the relationship…write down…she didn’t…etc…and she didn’t do this…etc… Reflect on her faults and shortcomings and then look at it on paper and see that she isn’t as innocent as she portrays herself to be.

22

All of this is very true and it did feel very much like an emotional rollercoaster. Now it feels like the roller coaster went off the rails and crashed…
I’ve been saying “I know I deserve better.” to myself repeatedly today, trying to get it into my head. It sounds weird to say, but I’m saying it anyway, hoping it will sound better soon.

I think I might try to write down these things tomorrow if I feel up to delving into this emotional mess. I might need to just distract myself with some more Doom for a bit though.

That’s a good idea about secluding a place and pretending she’s in the room. I’ll try to find a good place to shout and scream and vent and say all the things that I want to say to her when my emotions boil over.

23

I keep going through weird cycles. At night I always have some sort of dream or nightmare about her. I can’t sleep very well because of it. Last night I woke up because I could hear her voice perfectly and clearly saying things that are painful to hear. When I wake up in the morning I’m a complete mess. I look at my phone, see there are no messages from her (she would message me every morning before I woke up when we were together so it became a habit to check first thing.), realize all over again what happened, all of it just comes back to me in one huge wave of overwhelming nausea and sickness and pain and regret, I hug the bear she gave me and just cry. Then after a while I get up, sit down at my computer and just stare blankly into space.

I’ll be all messed up for the next few hours until I find something to focus on really intently, like Doom or Overwatch. I signed up for the emails from this site and I look forward to them every day at 7:53. I’ve been talking to my friends a lot about this and after I do a lot of talking and thinking and figuring things out, I feel like I get a little better. I feel like things can’t be so bad, that this can be fixed somehow, that maybe there’s hope. I try to be positive against the overwhelming negative energy I feel all around me. I try to write a bit, try to get an idea of what I’m going to do and when I come up with an idea, I feel a little better. Then I usually distract myself for the next few hours, usually staying awake well into the night before I feel like I’m distracted enough to try to sleep.

Then comes the nightmares, her face, her voice, everything, all over again and I miss her so much. I’ll wake up like 5 or more times during the night because of this, feeling like I’m burning up, my stomach in knots. And I have to do this all over again the next day, and the next day, and so on. I feel so weak and so tired. I feel like a huge part of me is missing. I miss her so much.

I don’t know how to stop these nightmares. I suppose there’s nothing I really can do. I’ve always been extremely prone to nightmares and she means everything to me.

I’ve been posting things to facebook and instagram regularly. Once every couple days or so. I have no idea if she’s seen any of it. If she has, I can’t tell, but she’s still following me on instagram and friends on facebook.

I got the email about writing the letter last night. I was wondering if I should do that, like a small short note that basically says something like I understand this break up had to happen, that i’m doing well and I hope she is. That I’m sorry for being disrespectful afterwards and not respecting her decision, and that I’d like to talk again sometime in the future but for now we need space.

I haven’t quite worked it out yet, and I’d really rather not lie and say I’m doing fine if I’m barely getting through my day, but I don’t know… I don’t want the last thing between us to be this horrible ugly fight with those terrible words. I don’t want her to remember me as a crazy emotional guy who couldn’t let go. And maybe she won’t. I don’t know.

When we first broke up, about a week after, she came back and called me. She said she was having a hard week, that she was pretty depressed and wished I would get angry or something so it wasn’t so hard. She then said that maybe we could just be friends with benefits or something. And I thought maybe I had another chance, maybe she’d be willing to come back. A week later I kind of had another break down, did the same sort of thing that I did when she got really angry and told me to get out of her life, messaged her too much, didn’t give her space, being broken down and desperate, and that’s when she asked for no contact the first time, which I didn’t handle well. I wrote her like 3 letters during that time… then a week of talking, then she said she wanted a full month of no contact and this time I did it, etc. During our last week of talking, she said it was too soon to try again, but that nothing is impossible in her mind and she would consider me in the future. I was okay with this, and I thought “Okay, we’ll just be friends and I’ll do my best.” until she started talking about dating other people and I lost my head again and broke down and triggered this mess that i’m in now.

I would be fine just being friends until she’s ready, but I wasn’t expecting all this dating talk and I ruined everything because I had a breakdown.

I just feel like I’ve been pushing her further and further away. This is why I feel like a lot of the situation I’m in is my fault. I blame myself for pushing her away.

24

Dear friend.

Greetings from Brazil.

I’ve been following your story here. It seems to me that is pretty obvious that actually your story with her has not come to an end. However, you need to let the seed die so the tree can grow. Look at yourself. Anger, resentment won’t make you a better person. I am passing through a rough time as well. I know how much it hurts to wait for a message that never comes. I guarantee to you: if you let it go (trully, don’t chase, don’t see, don’t enter facebook) and concentrate on developing you, she will come back. I assure you that she is playing with you. You need to get out of this game. You need to see yourself in the mirror and start really working on you. It maybe a gym, a class, i dont know. Take your plans that were always a dream, or covered in dust, and take them out. I assure you one last thing. AS soon as you get back on your feet, you will make the call if you guys are staying together or not (the world spins and situations change dramatically in short periods of time).

So bro, I wish you the best, count on me to chat - +55 (19) 99909-9304 - Whatsapp - Talking to people that understand you actually helps a lot.

25

I really hope it’s not at an end. I would hate for it to end like this. I keep feeling that I should apologize and let her know that I’ll be fine before I can really move past this. Having that be the last conversation we had makes me feel so bad. I don’t know if that would be a mistake though. It might be. I know I have to get past this and focus on myself and not worry about her, I just can’t stand leaving things like this. But maybe I have to? It probably would be best not to say anything…

I keep repeating to myself “I know I deserve better.” maybe soon it will feel like it means something.

Thank you very much for your support and I will send you a message when I have some time. Probably tomorrow. A friend is coming over soon to help distract me for a bit and hopefully do something fun.

26

Well, it is actually quite natural you fell this way. I went through a six year relationship brake-up (still going). And in my view it was actually pretty much my fault that it ended this way. I don’t think you should go apologize right now. Take sometime to breathe. You are being obcessed about her. You gotta to give you time to face this demoons. I could not sleep without having nightmares. I saw her, I kissed her. I went through weekends in my bed, just saying : you stupid piece of shit, what have you done. So, if you can make this period shorter, I guarantee that your soul mate, it doesn’t matter how far you are, will fell it. Stop posting on Facebook. The ignorance is a much more effective to attract than when she can see where you are right now. You can count on me buddie.

27

Damn, man…I’m so sorry you’re going through so much depression. Believe me, I would never wish that on my worst enemy. Have you ever thought of taking anti depressant alternatives without side effects? I take Amoryn and I know it helps me a lot but your anguish and grief is so raw, I can feel it coming across this page. My heart goes out to you. There is always hope no matter what. My heart breaks for you and how much you miss her. I wish I had the right things to tell you of what to do to help alleviate this horrible depression. I think a lot of these nightmares is your subconscious trying to deal with everything and try to sort everything out as much as it can but there is only so much it can do. One thing I can tell you is don’t ever apologize. You feel so guilty and so bad but you didn’t do anything wrong. It was all her. I honestly think she’s wanting you to get mad so she thinks she has more of a reason of ending things but you getting mad or anything you would just end up regretting it later on if you’re like I am. Don’t listen to her about dating other people. She may just be saying that to get a reaction out of you. You didn’t ruin anything having a breakdown. That’s normal and if she thinks you’re weak because of that, then she seriously needs to remember the last time she’s been hurt by someone else. That’s not fair at all. You can’t always blame yourself, though I know you do but she has a mind of her own and she needs to see that she is the one who pushed YOU away, not the other way around.

Take care, man. We’re all here for you.

28

No, I’ve never thought about taking any anti-depressants or alternatives. I don’t really have a lot to be super depressed about aside from this. Most things I can handle and while I used to have a lot of depression in the past, she really helped me get over a lot of that and most of the things that I was depressed about before aren’t really such big issues now.

It could be that she’s trying to get me mad or have a reason to push me away. I really don’t know what she’s thinking. 100% Have no idea anymore.

I don’t think she would lie about the dating thing. She’s always been one of those brutally honest types. I asked her why she was telling me about this when she told me and she said “Do you want me to lie?”. I didn’t know what to say to that.

She made me feel really terrible for not being there in person. She actually said “You’re not offering me anything I can’t get here.”. That felt like a knife in my heart. And another time during the week we were talking again, she was asking why I never bought her any Tiffany jewelry even though she made it clear that she really liked it. I had actually planned to get her something from Tiffany that was really nice for her visit, and I told her that, and she was like “Well, that’s unfortunate. Too late now.” It felt like she was just… trying to make me feel bad. I don’t know. I honestly don’t know what she’s thinking or trying to do. It hardly felt like I was even talking to the same person I’ve known for four years. I think she probably has a lot of resentment…

It really felt like she was so angry at me for so many things. I never imagined that things would ever get like this. What a mess…

29

I just don’t understand the reason to tell someone they used to be in a relationship with that they are dating other people and then tell them “you’re not offering me anything I can’t get here.” There is one thing to be blunt (like my ex) and then there is another thing to be down right cruel (unfortunately again, like my ex) My ex never told me that but she’s said some really cruel things. It’s all such BS to tell someone you know damn good and well that has feelings for you all of that stuff. You just don’t do that whatsoever. I tell you, I can totally relate to being in love with someone and them turning on you and you have no idea just what the hell happened to the person you fell in love with. It just makes zero sense and yet here we are. She has no good reason to have resentment for you. Tiffany’s is nothing more than gifts. The fact you love her and supported her though 4 years should mean something. Gifts are something you get and happy for a short time and then where are you without the unconditional love with the man you were with?

I find it fascinating that people actually think they are better off without us. I say, “go to hell and more power to ya.” Not that you could tell her that but it just makes me think of the things my ex did at the end. Yes, she’s trying to make you feel bad and I don’t get her being angry. Like wtf do you have to be angry for? Someone loved you that much and cared for you that deeply. Mark my words, she will not get what you gave her. She’s just spewing off vile, hurtful things to you. I know it’s hard to just ignore it but she has no reason.

I hope you were able to get your mind off of it somewhat. Did you go outside, walk around or do anything? Do you like swimming?

30

Yeah… I don’t understand it. She kept saying “We want different things.” when she broke up. At first she wasn’t bad at all. I mean, aside from not wanting to be with me, she was still trying to be kind and even said she wouldn’t date anyone else for a while. I just wonder if these past couple months of always fighting, then going through NC then fighting, has made her feel more resentful towards me. Again, I feel like this is my fault. But I don’t know. I know I handled things badly and I feel I was disrespectful by not giving her the space she wanted. She’s never done anything to intentionally hurt me before. I don’t know if she is now or if she’s just trying to push me to move on or what. I wonder if she even cares at this point. It feels like she’s doing fine, going out and having fun, working on her career and school and is happy. She said she is and it didn’t seem otherwise. I just don’t know. I don’t know… I feel like I’m sitting at the bottom of the shit barrel. I wish I could talk things out with her.

I walked a little. Not too much though. I played a lot of Doom. I’m on Doom 2 now. (Game is pretty crazy.). Played Overwatch with some friends today. Yesterday one of my friends came over and we played the old Pokemon Puzzle League together, which was a nice distraction. I’ve been trying hard to keep my mind off of it. Tomorrow I’m performing in an ensemble piano thing on stage in the park. Went to go practice with the group on wednesday. Tomorrow is also two weeks since our last conversation, when she said to stay out of her life. Keep going back and forth in my head whether or not it’d be right to send the bear or do anything. She hasn’t messaged me at all and I don’t get the feeling like she will any time soon.

I’m not really too much of a swimmer. I swam at a hotel pool in Utah about 2 months ago, but aside from that I haven’t actually swam since I was like 10.

31

Greetings fellow brother,

I too have just read through your entire story. And to be honest I feel we can all relate to what you’re feeling if we’re in similar positions of our own. Though it’s different to some (as well as myself right now) in the broken down aspects it’s all the same. Something went wrong. Shit happened. Someone got hurt. While te other person made the person in misery even more miserable.

Brother… I’ve went through the similar stages of message overloading. But I’ve learned now that it just annoys the shit out of her and makes you us look needy and weak. My situation is a little different. She broke things off with me several weeks ago because she started talking to her ex again. But the matter of the fact is that once I learned to not message her, that’s when she came back. She became herself again and realised that het ex just isn’t the same as me. Since then we’ve spoken and moved forward. Although at the same time she’s been speaking to her ex. Right now she’s confused ad to what she wants but she doesn’t want to lose me. Until a few days ago I fucked it all up when I broke again and made myself seem needy. The moral of the story is that the honest best thing you can do is to make as many positive changed in your life as possible (just like you’ve been doing). I know you’re hurting but maybe cut back on the doom and overwatch and work on things that are going to make you a better person. I’m not sure if you exercise or anything, but maybe get yourself a gym membership and get in there and beef yourself up. Exercising releases endorphins which essentially make your body happy. What your goal to do is to make yourself as desirable as possible. Continue to ignore your ex until YOU truly feel that you are ready to work this out. Forget about all these other guys, fuck them honestly. She doesn’t share the same feelings with them as she does you. (this is an ideology that I’ve also put into my own head because both her and myself know That there’s no way her ex is even capable of making her feel as special as I made het feel, and for me as soon as she realises that she’s going to come back again. She’s going to see how well I’m going and how great I’m looking). Also maybe go out and spend a little money on yourself on some new clothing or something fashionable. You could even start reading books, increase your vocabulary and intellect. That’s what you need to do brother, man up and start doing stuff that’s going to make you look and feel amazing about yourself. Become that decisive, great looking, confident, well presented, intellectual, funny guy. The overall ultimate bachelor. When she messages you, you need to be ready to show her the world, get ready to make more of an effort and perhaps even you be the first to send her good morning texts, effectively making the first thing she does in the morning is smile and realise how luck she is. When you do eventually see each other again. You want her thinking “why the fuck did I ever leave this guy, he’s amazing.” Shape ourself into a better person brother. And use your time of this NC wisely, you want to blow her mind!

32

Also, whenever I’m hurting I find that reading a lot of soulmate writings are beneficial to making me realise how special my relationship was with my ex and how I will not give up on this so easily. Because you never know… You may never have something so sacred with another person. It’s long, but read through this as your own pace.

https://mobile.facebook.com/notes/you-drove-me-redneck-crazy/twin-soul-soulmate-signs/229101147256958/?_rdr&refsrc=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com.au%2Fsearch

33

Honestly, it could be anything…more than likely has nothing at all to do with you and everything to do with her frustrations over something, but guess what? You’re the easiest target so you get to have it when she gets mad. That’s not fair to you at all. In fact, it’s not cool for her to take those things out on you. You gotta stop blaming yourself, you’re making yourself feel worse when you do that. If she is getting mad, then don’t put up with it when you talk to her again. You can’t be her punching bag and I’ve found out that women will respect you more when you stand up to them. So, what she says she is and what she really is are two different things. I can tell you right now that I’m on top of the world and feel like a million dollars, but it doesn’t mean I am. In fact, I can go on facebook right now and say I’m dating this wonderful girl (my ex would never see it because she’s blocked on there) and it’s all lies. It’s just what your perception is of the situation but what it looks like and what it really is are more than likely different. Ensemble piano sounds really cool. I bet that will be a lot of fun. Anything you can do to distract yourself, the better. Honestly, at this point, I would keep the bear. I think that is your link to her and I know how much you love it. All hope isn’t lost when she hasn’t messaged you. Just try to stay occupied. If she wants to do that whole ignoring you for awhile thing, then let her be. She’s just going to probably make you feel worse if she were to talk to you. If you talk to her again and she gets pissed at you, I encourage you to do what you can to stand up to her. Tell her it’s not ok at all for her to be taking it out on you and until she can respect you to not even bother talking. Because enough is enough. It’s not fair to you. The reason I mentioned swimming is because it’s a good cardio exercise that helps your endorphins (feel good hormones)

34

Those are a lot of good points. I do have a gym membership and I was going a lot until the breakup, then I just didn’t want to go anymore. It’s hard to motivate myself to go and push myself when I feel so crappy, but I’m sure it’ll help if I keep going. The performance went well today, so that was nice. I’m also doing an online communications summer class for school, so that’s something at least.

It’s always been very hard to stand up to her because she’s very persuasive and very logical about things usually. I understand though, that her talking about these things to me is just made me feel bad and it’s not okay.

I guess I’ll just keep the bear for now. I really have no idea how she’d react to me sending it and I really do love it. She also did some really nice paintings for me and a large mural ink drawing of all kinds of my favorite things with the words “Bradley, You’re Awesome!” in the middle which are all on my wall. They’re all things I greatly treasure and they remind me of when things were really great and happy and she was still my best friend. I wish so much she would say something, but I suppose I’m not ready to talk things through yet and I need to get myself in a position to be ready. It’s easier said than done, but I guess it’s a process. It is such a heavy weight to carry every day, but I don’t really have a choice.

I suppose my perception isn’t everything. I have no idea if everything she says is completely true. I have no idea how she’s really doing. I know she’s very busy and has been stressed with honors art school as well as working twice as hard at her job and doing graphic design commissions, so it’s not like she’s just taking things easy. Every time I try to think of what she might be thinking or doing, I just get that sickening feeling again, so maybe I should just stop.

I hope she talks to me again. It’s only been two weeks, but it does feel like there’s no hope anymore. I suppose things can change very quickly, like Stefanos said. I need to hold myself together and keep myself busy.

I read the link about soul mates. I don’t know how much I believe in that sort of thing, but a lot of those felt true and we used to have a lot of what we’d call “mind links” where we seem to know what the other person is doing or immediately pick up the phone to check right before the other calls or texts. A lot of times when my phone vibrated and I was busy doing something, I would think “I think it’s her.” or “I think it’s not her.” depending on just, how it felt, and like 90% of the time I was right. Kind of weird, but again, I dunno how much of that I believe. I mostly just believe that if two people love each other enough, they can overcome anything, but of course if one person drops out, things get complicated like they have here.

I do have a lot of books I haven’t yet read. If I can get myself to focus on not feeling so miserable and being so depressed, then I should read some.

35

How long will I be doing this? Getting myself together, working on becoming awesome and such before we talk again? I know it’s a permanent thing. You don’t just become awesome temporarily or anything, but I mean how long of no contact like this? What if she never messages me? Like what if it would take a year or two for her to talk to me again? I guess it’s only been two weeks now since she got upset with me and she might talk again before then, but with how messed up everything seems to be, it has me very worried. Is there a point at which I should try talking to her if she hasn’t said anything?

36

Hey mate,

Again I feel like you’re just a little upset right now. I know a similar feeling to you as I’m going through a similar thing myself. But you need to told it all together. It’s said that on average it takes about 1 1/2 years to get over a marriage divorce. And that’s a full blown marriage break up. I know it’s hard… But she will message you again. So dont keep thinking that. And whenever you do… Just remember that she was with you for so long, she’s used to you. Even if she did try to move on with someone else at this point in time, It would be beyond hard for her because of how used to you she’s gotten. She’ll realise it’s not you and she’ll feel she’s messed up. Stick with NC. I didn’t want to use NC myself because of how hard it is to do such a task. But it really does work… Somehow. Also I remember you saying that she doesn’t feel like you put in enough effort. But what if… You became the guy that puts in the effort and makes her feel special. I mean she’s already familiar with you so you’ve got an advantage. If you can prove that you’re just as worthy or even better than anyone else, no matter what she’ll always be around. Anyways… Think about it.

And I think staying in NC would be the best option. Just for now or until she messages you again. If she doesn’t message anytime soon, then wait it out until you’re ready. If you really still feel the same way about her after your time apart. When you’ve remade yourself… Maybe sending her a hand written letter would be the way to go. Something personal and sentimental like that… How long have you been in NC straight for now?

37

One month that she requested that was broken up a few times because I had written her some letters during (And she doesn’t like letters from me now because of it), Then one month of straight no contact, and now two weeks since she told me to “stay out of my life.”

38

Well, ordered more like. At the time I didn’t know NC was a thing that people did after break ups. And she was really upset with me and just said “Don’t talk to me for a month.” the first time after I had a break down on the phone with her.

39

That’s really quite cruel man… Who would have thought a person was capable of being so heartless and remorseless to another person who’s only trying to love them. It makes me sick. Honestly man I don’t know what else to say… Just stay in NC and continue doing things to move past this. If she does message sometime in the next few weeks then she’s shown interest. You need to take it slow. Worst case scenario, you can wait it out until it’s not such a heart wrenching feeling anymore. Then you could briefly contact her saying that you hope she’s well and you’re doing well yourself. That you would like closure, as it’s a vital thing to do after a break up. Not knowing the truth behind what or why something happened can be damaging and destroying and can even lead to physically illnesses.

40

I understand, man…it’s hard to be motivated to do the gym when you feel so bad…believe me, I’ve been there before. I just recently started about a week ago at a gym just to have more things to do so I’m not sitting at home thinking about her. I just happened to see my ex at a bbq here in town…of course I was with a friend of mine’s sister and I could see my ex staring at me off and on in the background as I laughed and smiled. I never once looked directly at her, just through my side vision. I’ve decided to show her I’m moving on or have moved on. I can’t keep doing this anymore. As far as you go, you follow your heart. Only you can decide what you feel you need to do, but yes, definitely keep the bear. No reason to send it back now. As far as her being persuasive and logical, that gets thrown out the window when she treats you bad.

It is a huge process to go through. I’m glad you have paintings and such to keep the memories alive for you. I think with her school and work, it keeps her so busy, she probably doesn’t have time for anything else. I’m sure if she wasn’t so busy, she would be sitting at home, not doing anything. It keeps her mind occupied but it also probably inflates her ego to where she feels like she can just keep staying busy and all will be fine. Try as hard as you can not to sit there and think of her, you will drive yourself sick, like you have. I myself am a hopeless romantic, so I believe in soul mates but I also believe in intuition. Kind of how someone could be walking along and then get a sudden sharp pain in their side and wonder where it came from and then to find out their spouse was in some kind of accident. They just felt it because they were linked. So, you probably have the same with her.

I will be as honest as I can. I wouldn’t try to contact her until you are fully feeling good about yourself and to the point that you KNOW that if she does say something bad for you to shooting a “hope you’re doing well” txt message, that you can stand up to her. I absolutely would not contact her until you are doing much better. I know you really really want to talk to her but it’s not going to do you any good at all if she dismisses you, because then you’ll be right back to square 1. Secondly, if she orders you to do whatever…bullshit…you take orders from no one unless it’s your boss or someone who you have to in order to get paid. She does not own you.