Going through some things. Would like some advice

reconciliation
1

Hello, I guess I’m looking for some advice here, like everyone else. First off, I’d like to tell you a little about my situation.

My girlfriend broke up with me about 3 months ago. We were together almost 2 years and have been friends for 4. Best friends, I might add. She was the best friend I ever had.

We met online. She lives in Trinidad and I live in the United States. Neither of us have a lot of money and she’s now taking classes at a prestigious art university online which required her to save up most of her money. My point is, we didn’t meet. She broke up with me a week before she was going to come visit. We had already bought her plane ticket and had everything ready to go. She was even mostly packed, but at the last minute decided that she doesn’t want to come and that on top of it, she’s going to break up with me.

Now I didn’t take it very well. In that list of mistakes you shouldn’t make when you break up, I made pretty much all of them. I was needy, clingly, I begged, I messaged her way too much, I cried on the phone almost every time we spoke, I was very unstable and pretty much made an ass of myself. She said “Let’s not talk for a month.” and I couldn’t believe it at the time. One minute I’m expecting the happiest day of my life meeting her in person, the next, I can’t talk to her for a month. I didn’t give her as much space as she wanted. I wrote her a few long letters and emails during the month and after it was over we talked for about a week and she requested another month, sort of a do-over. This time, I didn’t bother her at all.

One of my best friends is friends with her as well and he kind of mediated this agreement between us. He also relayed a lot of things that she was unhappy with in the relationship. A lot of the reasons why she broke up with me that I didn’t quite understand. A few of them being, me not showing initiative or taking action enough. Not handling things pre-emptively. Instead of spending money on really nice romantic things, I instead spent a lot of money on apology things for messing up. I should have gone to visit her without a big plan. I honestly don’t know why I didn’t when I could have. She was my only real girlfriend, and the only person I’ve ever truly loved, so for the rest of the month I worked on these things and I also worked on myself. I still had her in mind obviously, but I wanted to come back like a new person. I did pretty well until the month ended and we spoke again.

Our first conversation (a skype call. Her request) went very well. We talked for like 4 hours and it almost felt like old times. I tried to keep my cool and not bother her too much during the week and she said we could talk again on thursday so I waited and then we talked. During our talk on thursday she said she had a date on saturday and that’s when I broke again. One thing lead to another in the conversation and an hour later I was balling on the sidewalk because of a story about a guy who she’s “not really dating but kind of” brought her soup when she was sick and doing things like that are what I was missing, what she was missing, and it just hurt so bad because I wanted to do little things like this for her.

She was still understanding and we talked a bit afterwards, but it was the start of a downward spiral. I started to panic, started to message her way too much. I was sending her long messages at 6 am and pretty much making all the mistakes I could. I wasn’t thinking and I took myself way back to pretty much the point where we broke up. Maybe even further. She got so angry at me. Angrier than I’ve ever seen her before. She told me “Maybe we should just be exes. We’re not friends. You’re literally cyber-stalking me. Go away. Back off. You messaged me even though we agreed not to, you’ve abused and wasted my time. You’re fucking crazy. You’re an unstable man trying to get back into my life.” etc. I said I was sorry many many times. (“You’re always fucking sorry!”) and I said I would stop. That I can control myself. The last thing she said was “Cool. Don’t message me unless I message you.”. That was… about 4 days ago.

I have never felt this low. I feel like I fucked up so bad. She was my best friend and I really loved her. I realize that long distance relationships are difficult but she was worth all of it to me. She still is. I mean… that’s why I’m on here. I don’t know what to do.

My family and friends told me to leave her be for 2 weeks. Give her some space. One of my friends said I should give her the bear she gave me. This bear, his name is Alec. He was her favorite stuffed animal and she gave him to me to take places, take pictures of him, let him experience the world outside of Trinidad. We always joked that he was like our fuzzy child. He is a very special bond between us and throughout this breakup I’ve really clung to him, and she knows. She told my friend that she hates how attached to that bear I am. That it seems like I’m clinging to the past.

So now I’m kind of at a loss of what to do. I can’t say anything to her without violating what she told me to do again, and while she hasn’t blocked me from anything and is still friends with me on facebook, instagram, whatsapp, etc., I don’t think it would be a good idea to say anything to her. I’ve said sorry so many times it doesn’t matter anymore and I feel like anything else I say, she’ll just see as me trying to push my way back in. My friend said that sending her Alec without any sort of messages or notes or anything would say a lot without having to say anything and on top of that, it’s something she would not be expecting.

Right now, my plan is to wait 2 weeks, then send Alec to her via fedex in a box with nothing else, hope she says something to me when she gets him and try to initiate a dialogue there, meanwhile, trying to put myself into a much more stable mindset.

Right now, my goal is really just to be on a talking level with her. I want to be her friend again, but with the feelings I have I’m worried that I can’t. I don’t want to make the same mistakes I made before. I don’t want to cry on the phone with her anymore. I miss my best friend as much as I miss my girlfriend.

I realize this is long, and I thank anyone who bothers to read it, and I thank you even more if you give me some advice.

2

Man, I tell you…it’s a tough situation to be in. It’s even harder when they get mad and get pissed off and make you feel worse like it’s your fault for trying to love them…a few things I picked up on. She’s saying she was wanting you to take more initiative and I guess basically take charge more. As hard as it is, you have to realize (I’ve come to realize this myself many times), the more you fight the breakup, pleading and begging her, the more it makes you look weak in her eyes. What you have to get to the point is, enough is enough…you aren’t weak. You can be a strong person, but she has to see you’re a strong person and not one that will cling onto her. I don’t know why, but it’s hard wired in a lot of women to get even more upset…or to act more upset when you beg with them or plead with them. So, during the NC period, as hard as it is, try going out with friends…post on facebook how much fun you’re having etc…Since she’s still on there, she will see you have a life outside of her and you don’t need her when she basically dismissed you. What you have to portray is…“You don’t want me in your life? I don’t need you in mine.” Show her that you can be just fine without her. Don’t contact her anymore because she’s just going to make you feel worse. In some screwed up way, it may empower her more to know she has power over you, so you gotta take that power away from her.

So, work work and work on yourself. I can’t stress this enough. You have to come back out on the other side and even though you may not feel like it…become a man. And by that, I don’t mean a jerk or anything, but just like…I’m cool and I’m fine with whatever…I don’t have to have anyone in my life that doesn’t add value to it. Her cutting you down, calling you psycho, whatever… that’s just BS. So, make some plans with friends, post plenty of happy pictures and show that you’re having fun!

3

Thank you very much for the very detailed response. I understand what you’re saying. It seems that that is really the only option. It’s so hard. Every day I wake up from a restless sleep and my first thought is just “How did I fuck up so bad?”.

I just want so bad to say something, but I can’t. Even if I was the most calm person in the world at this point, I still think she would get angry at anything I said. I understand I need to show her that I’m doing fine and that I don’t need her (even though I feel like I do). It is good and a little surprising that she hasn’t blocked me, deleted me, unfriended me from anything. She’s never really been the type to do those sorts of things and she always said “In my mind nothing is ever certain. I believe anything can happen.” and she even said that to my friend about me during the last month of NC when he asked her if she would ever consider giving us a chance again. So I don’t know how much she meant everything she said when she was angry. She may have meant it at the time, but I don’t think she’ll never speak to me again.

Do you think sending back the bear in two weeks would be a good action? I really don’t know how she’ll take it but I think it would show perhaps that I’m letting go? Or that I’m willing to let the past go at least. My friend said “Giving it back will make you look like a really caring guy willing to love her more than the bear.”. I won’t write any note or letter or any words at all, or even message her about it. Just send her the bear by itself.

I will work on myself. I’m taking summer classes at my university now and I signed up for local volunteer work (I’ve never volunteered for anything but it seemed like something good to get my mind off of this). I’ve also been playing copious amounts of Doom (1993) which is probably not very helpful, but it’s a temporary distraction.

I will try to do as many fun things as I can and share them on instagram and facebook so she can see.

Thank you again for the response.

4

I had to work on this myself but from experience I can tell you that you didn’t fuck up so bad. She would like to guilt you into feeling that so she doesn’t have to take any blame. She probably never will take the blame but if she’s getting upset when you’re calm and trying to reason with her, it just means she’s getting annoyed you’re not getting mad like she is. If you ever do talk to her, I would be stern and make sure she respects you. That is the 1st thing. She’ll unfortunately lose respect if you beg with her or tell her how much you love her. It’s stupid, but you just have to be super strong. As far as the bear goes…are you ok parting with it? Sending it back may or may not get a response out of her but if you do send it back, it will send her the message that you’re letting her go…whether you really are or not. They always say, sometimes you have to let someone go and they’ll come back to you when the time is right. Volunteer work will help you see that there are others that are less fortunate than you are and it’s always a good feeling to help those in need. It will show you that your problems aren’t as big as theirs are. Anything you can get to distract you, the better it will be. Even if temporary.

Yes, definitely take care of yourself and just don’t make it too obvious you’re trying to get a rise out of her by posting pics and regular posts. Just keep it light hearted and saying things like…“what a blast it was just hanging out” (with whoever). Just don’t post obvious things like…got a special date tonight…what shall I wear? lol

5

I see. She probably is really annoyed and it feels very much like she’s taking the stance that you’re saying I should take. “I don’t have to have anyone in my life that doesn’t add value to it.”. She’s always been very much a forward moving, positive and determined person who doesn’t take shit from anyone. She’s the manager of an art gallery and basically has to be the boss all the time. When she was angry at me one of the things she said was “I get nothing out of this. Clearly this benefits you more.”

I feel like it’s going to very hard to undo the damage I did. She’s by nature not a super trusting person and it took a long time to build up her trust with me. Now it seems to be down the drain.

It would definitely be hard to part with the bear. She told me a month ago that I could have it if I really wanted it, that “I guess we’ll just have that part of each other.”, but she did always intend to come take him back and I’m not sure I can move forward with her at this point unless I do something with the bear. Unless she knows I’m letting go, I don’t know if she’ll ever be comfortable talking to me again. So maybe giving the bear back is the right thing to do…

All right. Don’t try to hard. Don’t be obvious. I can do that.

6

She said when she was angry with you that she gets nothing out of it and clearly it benefits you more? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. If she gets nothing out of it, then she wouldn’t be doing it. Most the time people are angry at someone else, they are getting something out of it, whether it be venting or showing their emotions or just trying to make the other person feel bad.

I don’t think you did that much damage, like I said…I think she wants you to feel like you did and blame yourself so she can be in the clear. You gotta get to that point whether you were assertive or not or could have been more assertive…that shouldn’t make or break a relationship. There are plenty of assertive assholes out there. You’re not like that, so she should at least be thankful for that.

Yeah, like I said, don’t try too hard when you’re showing that you’re having fun…just do it in a subtle way.

7

Yeah… I don’t know what to make of the things she said. My head feels like a mess and every time I look at her messages I get this gutwrenching feeling of nausea and regret. It’s hard to hear “Let’s just not be friends. We’re not friends and I should have listened to my instinct. Let’s just be exes. I do not want to be friends. Stop messaging me and such. Delete everything. You don’t know me. I clearly don’t know you.” and “Stay out of my life” from someone you love.

I hope I didn’t. Of course I’m scared of her just putting me in the past and moving on, but we were best friends for about 4 years and were together half of that. As much as she acts like she doesn’t care and is moving on, I don’t think it’s so easy to forget. She kept saying she’s happy now, that she wasn’t happy before. That she can go out and be free and be herself and that she’s in such a great place now. She said that she’s not the same person she was before, that she wants different things now, that’s she’s a new person. She also told me I should date other people the day before I had my breakdown.

I just don’t know what to make of it all. long sigh

8

So you both have been talking for 4 years and together half of that and she lives overseas, right? The first thing you absolutely have to do is stop re-reading what she said, it’s only going to keep making you feel worse about everything. It’s not going to make sense and it will just hurt you more. In fact, take what she said as her venting and she doesn’t mean it. She’s mad or whatever for whatever reason and she’s taking it out on you because you’re the closest one to her.

She knew by saying what she said would hurt you and ultimately it did. What you have to get to the point is, how long am I going to keep feeling horrible for what she said? I guarantee you she didn’t mean it. You just can’t go 4 years and then all of the sudden kick someone out of your life without any feelings. She changed? She’s free now? Well, I don’t see how she’s more free than she was before. And she wasn’t happy before? Yeah, again…you don’t go 4 years talking to someone, be with them for 2 years of pure unhappiness.

As far as dating other people, I wouldn’t do that just yet…I would focus totally on getting you better because dating someone else isn’t going to solve the issue that you feel bad since she shot your self-esteem.

Try to do anything…go outside into the sunshine (Vitamin D), pray if you believe in God and if you can, try to exercise…it really will help a lot. Even if you just walk briskly around the block. Just something to get your endorphins going. Because you feeling nauseated and sick…no one is worth that. I know how you feel though.

9

Yes, we’ve been very good friends for 4 years now and we were together for almost 2. She lives in the caribbean. Honestly, she was the best friend I’ve ever had. She helped me a lot during a tough time in my life and was always great at supporting and motivating me. She always pushed me to try new things and to be the best that I could be. I made a lot of progress in my life since meeting her. I grew a lot. But one of the reasons for the breakup she said, and she said it some times even during the end of the relationship was that she felt like we weren’t growing together, that she was doing a lot for me but I wasn’t really doing the same for her, that she wanted someone to grow with and be her partner. Someone who could support her like she supported me.

It was difficult to be able to do that for her though, because she always liked to take care of things herself, she’s not a very open person and she doesn’t trust people easily. I feel like the times when she tried to open up in the beginning, I wasn’t ready to handle it and I made her think that I was incapable of doing that for her. I didn’t know how to change that and by the end she started to become a little distant, curt, started saying that she was bored with the relationship, that I was too safe and it wasn’t very exciting anymore and she felt like she was missing out on so many things.

One of the things she told my friend during the last month of NC about why she broke up with me was “He stays in his comfort zone. The sheer number of times we’ve had the “stop doing the thing” conversation. But I’m like a broken record here. Sometimes I think he just likes the sound of my voice so much he doesn’t hear what I’m saying. He got some things eventually but after a lot of effort on my part. And sometimes I have so much going on in my own life that it was hard to drop everything to understand him, which is where compromise comes in. But then I started compromising my dreams and aspirations for him. So I had to stop.”

During the last month I purposefully tried to push my comfort zone as much as I could and do things I normally don’t do. I tried to be more open and fix these things because I thought she would be willing to try things again after the month. Obviously, didn’t quite go that way.

That all sounds very true. I’ll stop trying to analyse everything she said when she was angry. I’ll stop re-reading the messages. I’ll take it as her venting out of frustration and exasperation and not meaning it.

I’ll go for a walk or go to the gym now. I’ve barely been going since the breakup.

And yeah, I’m 100% sure that I’m not ready to be dating anyone else.

10

Yeah, but all of that “no excitement” and “he’s too into his comfort zone” is something she’s known about you since the beginning. You don’t go 4 years and say, nevermind…he’s not exciting enough for me anymore. Sure, you can find someone fun and exciting and then they can turn out to be an asshole and abusive and then what? I think people get so set in their ways looking for the excitement to continue and then when it doesn’t go exactly the way they want it, they bolt. You trying to push your comfort zone should have been seen as “awesome” in her eyes because it shows you’re willing to try and compromise with her. Fun and excitement can be great for awhile but it all boils down to just being with someone you love and care for. Other things like comfort zones can all be worked out, especially if she had just come over here. I’m sorry it didn’t happen that way for you and believe me, I feel you and your heartbreak. It’s just one of those unfortunate things in life we all end up going through at one point or another not really understanding why these things happen.

But the only thing you have control over and to work your way to feel better is yourself. You just have to keep reaching deep down inside and tell yourself that you’re still worth more than that. Depression is one of the absolute worse things there is to deal with, but just try to take it a day at a time and take care of yourself. Do what you can do and just know that you are not alone out there.

11

I really don’t know what she’s thinking anymore. sigh

Yeah… one day at a time… baby steps. I’m so confused, so sore and so tired of all of this. I miss her so much. It’s been a pretty messed up three months and it doesn’t look like it will get much better soon, but you’re right. I have to take it one day at a time. Somehow. I really don’t have much of a choice.

12

Do you have any idea when or if I should try making contact again? Should I try talking to her again after a set amount of time or do I have to just do the social media posting, hope she sees me doing well, wait and hope she messages me? I’m really hoping by sending her back the bear it will make her less hostile to me and get her to contact me. It’s hard to say if she will though.

I am 99% sure she would get very upset with me if I said anything to her right now since that would be once again violating the whole “don’t message me unless I message you” thing.

13

Honestly, if you are going to send the bear back, I would wait and see if she contacts you. I would change your profile picture of you smiling and having fun…in fact, change it every week to something else, but don’t use the same pictures over and over again. What she needs to do is work through her feelings of hostility towards you. It’s not that she doesn’t love you (although she’ll make it seem that way), she’s just angry or upset and taking it out on you because you are the easiest target. I definitely would just leave her alone for awhile until you get yourself to a better place. The more happier and the more positive things you post of facebook, the better it looks. She will get curious as to why you’re doing so well. Then, when the anger subsides, she will try to contact you just to see how things are going. Then you can see where you’re at. But use this time wisely to just work on yourself and make yourself feel better.

14

I see. I suppose that’s true. I guess I won’t do anything and just wait then. I’m not in any rush to give up the bear, I just thought it might be the right thing to do. Maybe not. I don’t think she really uses facebook very often. maybe a couple times a month? I’ll still do that though, just in case. I changed my status photo on whatsapp and instagram today. I’m going to see a movie tonight with some friends so I’ll take a picture with them while I’m there. Hopefully she sees them…

It’s a pretty helpless feeling not being able to actually do anything, but I guess I just have to have faith in her, hope she talks to me again and try to take care of myself.

Thank you for the help. I really appreciate it. I wish it didn’t hurt so bad and I wish things didn’t end up like this, but I guess there’s nothing I can really do about that. I just want to do the right thing going forward.

15

I just saw her online on facebook and while I didn’t do anything, I felt like I was hit by a truck. Just from seeing her online. I wanted so badly to say something to her, but I didn’t. I held it in, bit my tongue, clenched my fists and screamed inside myself.

But then I started to feel angry. Very angry. I felt betrayed, I felt hurt, I felt stabbed in the back. And I thought "Why the hell does she get to decide what happens? Why the hell does she get to drop me like a bag of rotten fruit and go off on dates and have fun with other guys while I’m suffering in this torment? She told me that she went to see the new batman movie with three different guys so she could get free food. That she just wants to go out and have fun. Why the fuck does she get to just decide that now? After being together two years. Why does she get to dump me a week before she was going to visit? What the fucking hell? And why does she get to decide not to talk to me because I’m too much. Why does it all have to be my fault?

I’m hurting so bad. I feel like im losing my mind. My heart is pounding and I feel crazy. I’m trying to write on here so I don’t do something stupid. I don’t know why this triggered me so badly. I was mostly ok earlier, just with my waiting, but seeing her online just made me feel all of these emotions and I feel like I’m having a breakdown. I’m in agony. I don’t know what to do. I feel like screaming. I want to scream at her, but I won’t.

16

Don’t get me wrong. I want her to be happy. I just can’t stand the pain that I feel right now.

17

I calmed myself down a bit. Played some Doom. I’m just trying to breathe and drink some water.

18

I don’t know why I was set off so bad today. It was so sudden and intense. I just lost control of my emotions. Luckily I didn’t message her or do anything I’d regret. I think writing on here helped. It’s just the waiting without any idea of an end, hoping that she’ll come talk to me again when I don’t know if she will. The overwhelming helplessness I’m feeling. It’s like she’s taunting me. She’s right there, I can see her, but I can’t say anything and all I want to do in the whole world is talk to her. It’s enough to drive me crazy.

I honestly don’t know if I should send the bear or not. I don’t know if it would matter, if it would make her more upset at me if I did, or if it would make her less hostile towards me. Either way though, all I can do is wait for her to come to me? I know I need to be patient, but it’s hard to keep myself calm, keep myself from panicking and breaking down when day after day I’m hoping she comes back and I don’t really know if she ever will. I’m trying to believe that she didn’t mean what she said. I don’t think she meant all of it, but even if she didn’t, I don’t want it to be over. Will I not have another chance unless I let go of her? Isn’t that kind of a paradox? I really don’t understand.

I want so badly to do the right thing. I’m afraid I pushed her away too far to recover from. I hope with every fiber of my being that this can still be saved. That we still have a chance. I’m just having the hardest time staying calm and staying positive when every day I feel less confident that she’ll come back and I feel more and more hopeless about the situation.

Am I just being crazy?

19

Ok, let’s look at a few things. The first thing is you have tons of resentment towards her for what she did. These feelings and emotions that come on out of nowhere, just seeing her online are going to sometimes trigger rage because deep down you know you didn’t do anything wrong to be treated like this. And, you’re right. What you have to do for your sake is work on your feelings and your anger because all it’s going to do is eat away at you and make you feel worse. You’re not being crazy, it’s all normal to feel the way you do and as strongly as you do because of those intense feelings you have. Take everything she said (telling you about going to the movies with different guys was such a shitty move on her part) and try to understand that if she’s doing that, she’s obviously trying to get you all riled up. That is only explanation. You don’t tell someone something like that unless you are trying to trigger hurt or anger out of the other person. It wasn’t right on so many levels.

Another thing you have to look at is you’re still concentrating really hard on getting her back and putting a lot of effort, even if you aren’t talking to her. You have to start thinking of yourself. Which means if you know you’re going to get upset about seeing her online (which I used to do in the past for someone I liked…not even loved), you’re going to have to either stop looking for her on there, or unplug from facebook for awhile and concentrate on yourself or (and you’re going to hate this)…delete her. It’s not doing you any good at all if you’re able to see everything she’s up to, whether it’s going out with different people or not. That all may be just a way to get at you so she can turn around, blast you and call you psycho again. That’s not cool at all.

I know you want her to come back to you, believe me, I know how much you love her, but you have to get to a point where you say enough is enough, “I need to start loving myself more than I love her.” Because ultimately what you’re doing is putting yourself second and that’s not fair at all. If it ever gets that bad where you’re in pain and agony, then get away, go outside and run and scream if you want. Get it all out, don’t let it build up inside. Go drive out in the middle of nowhere and scream, yell and pretend she’s there and just get it all out, everything you want to tell her. Even write things down on paper exactly how you feel, don’t send it to her, but just get everything out, cuss if you want, yell on paper if you want. Whatever it takes to relieve those feelings. Then, talk to yourself and tell yourself that you’re a good person who unfortunately got hurt really bad. Tell yourself that you deserve better because you can keep blaming yourself, but it’s not going to help anything.

20

I had no idea I have so much resentment towards her until now. I’ve always trusted her 100% and she’s always been wonderful and very reliable until this all happened. I feel very betrayed and I’m actually pretty surprised at myself for having so much anger towards her come out like that.

I don’t know if I can delete her yet. I don’t feel like I’m ready to do something like that. I can try to actively not go where I might see her though and make it so her posts don’t show up on my feed. Although she does rarely post on facebook and was only online for like 10 minutes. I can’t believe just seeing her online pulled that kind of reaction out of me. I felt so furious and pained.

I get what you’re saying though. I have been putting myself second. I always tried to put her first because I always felt like if she was happy, I was happy. But that doesn’t work anymore. Maybe it never worked.

I don’t really know how how to love myself more than her. Maybe that’s a totally different issue that I need to figure out, but I don’t know how to stop myself from blaming myself. I can tell myself it’s not my fault and that I deserve better, but I don’t really feel like the words are true, but at the same time there’s part of me, the angry resentful part, that’s yelling “You don’t need this shit! You’re being ridiculous and pathetic. She betrayed you and hurt you. You didn’t do anything wrong.” But it’s hard to trust the angry voice.

Is it just a matter of thinking it and saying it to myself constantly?

I’ll try to remember to do that if it happens again. I probably need to find a good secluded spot to vent in. I feel so twisted up and confused. I don’t know what’s right or wrong.