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What did he say when he said he wanted to see you? Did he say he wanted to talk about your relationship? Did he just ask you to come over?
Honestly, I wouldn’t go to his place or hang out at yours. Keep it somewhere public to keep away the temptation, maybe don’t drink. Whatever, you do, do not sleep with him. Seriously. It’s not going to work. You can only sleep with him once he is committed to you again.
I really didn’t want to talk about this, but back in September I slept with my ex more than once. It was without a doubt the biggest mistake I have made in trying to get him back. And it wasn’t like a booty call thing. He would ask me to hang out and we would hang out all normal, like we use to when we were together, beach, watching football, whatever. And one thing would always lead to another and I ended up spending the night on multiple occasions. Trust me it will not help the situation, neither of you are in good places emotionally with his job situation and your dog situation.
Meet him for coffee or dinner or something. And leave him wanting more. That’s what I would do if I had a do over with my ex. If I could go back in time and change what I did.
You know what the worst part is, before the times we hung out I’d tell myself I will not sleep with him and my emotions and feelings always got in the way, he made me feel like we were together when we hung out and so I gave in every time.
I still think you should do NC. I still think that’s your best option.
DO NOT HAVE SEX
@Dopierk is right. Men and women are wired completely different, if he was in the position to be actively trying to win you back, then having sex would be a good thing for the relationship. Because woman living themselves is the emotions sealing the connection. But in the reverse situation, which this is, you have to DENY any sexual encounter, you can bate him and flirt a bit but never give into it. I thought last night him calling 3 times so late was prolly a sex play but i didn’t want to say, because he seems nice enough from what you’ve said haha, not that you are a booty call, usually isn’t about that but y’all are familiar with each other.Honestly though you are in a great position to start driving his emotions to want to get back with you. All you have to do is continue to not give into the urge to get too close. @dopierk is right, public is best. He will prolly suggest “hanging out” or not wanting to be out, or if you go out, will want to go home and talk. No sleep overs, or any of that, your feelings will say go but it will do nothing positive and it isn’t about your feelings its mainly about his. Him having sex with you gives him fulfillment in places he didn’t have before WITHOUT being with you, and everybody will have their cake and eat it too when offered the opportunity.
Temptation with drinking and or being home alone would lead to it not matter how much you tell yourself it won’t sometimes.
Woman are more emotional and men are more physical so you get the emotion part and you give the physical but you never commit to the full physical until his full emotional commitment is to you, only teasing.
I know this will sound like I’m brainwashed or not thinking clearly ( I don’t think I’m either…), but I’ll try to explain. Him and I are different. Our relationship is different. Our connection is different. Both of us agree/can’t deny that.
I called him back and told him I did NOT want friends with benefits. I did not want just a hook up. After a little while he basically said with the label of “relationship” he feels pressure. He feels he can’t be that person he WANTS to be right now, because he doesn’t have the “resources” to do that. He said “it’s a sensitive subject… (got quiet)… and it really gets to the root of my ego”. Boom. There it is. He doesn’t feel like he’s a man right now. He can’t provide. He can’t do “relationshipy” things because he’s not making any money right now. He kept saying “right now”.
Anywho… we are both going through a lot. And not gonna lie… right now I could really use some physical interaction. He said “we have great chemistry/connection. We can spend time together. But this isn’t friends with benefits. I see it as something different. We are two adults who know each other and who have great chemistry. I know this all sounds like “omg this girl is so stupid for even thinking about this” but honestly it’s hard to explain unless you can feel it/see it.
I DO think this is only temporary. And no I am not expecting to get back together. I think it’ll click for me/us whether or not this is right. I am open with him (I mean I told him about the awful date/sex experience I had just last week). And he’s open with me. It’s the relationship we have.
I haven’t decided 100% if I will see him yet. And in any normal situation I would 100% agree with both of us (no sex, meet in public, have him want more)… but right now this doesn’t feel “normal”. This feels like two people who are both going through a lot, and might just need to spend some time together, without the label.
Stay tuned tho guys…. and if I end up going through with this and feeling like it’s a mistake (I don’t feel that way right now, but just in case) just promise you’ll still help me through this?! 😀
eeehhh i understand his point of view, everything you said is like word for word what my ex and I said to each other, its kind of weird lol def understand that chemistry
I like to be a “take care ” kind of person in a relationship so I’m sure if he is wanting to be serious its hard for him to do trying to figure out his future and how he would make that possible. With my ex she had plans for the future and she had a son of course, but telling me all that stuff while i was emotional and not really leveled caused a lot of friction being on different waves for the same goals.
but i was kind of forced into the relationship, we was still having sex and carrying on without the title for awhile though. Which worked for me honestly i grew into the relationship and wanting the title and to be serious because it didn’t feel like pressure, like he said. You gotta do what you feel is right though, if you go down that road i guess it just takes managing your expectations and talking about it so that you don’t stay in that temporary range for too much of an extended time.
I will still help you, 100%.
But I’m going to be frank right now, sleeping with him tonight or anytime you are not in a relationship is the biggest mistake. You are going to drastically decrease your chances of getting back together. You are in a really good position right now and you are going to make it worse.
I know why listen to me? I’m just a girl who still doesn’t have her ex back. I’m not a success story. But the difference is I can tell you the other side of the story. I can tell you what happens when you make the biggest mistake of sleeping with your ex. I know you think you guys are different, trust me I thought that too. But I’m sorry you guys aren’t. Your ex is not different. He’s a guy, a guy who is thinking with a body part other than his brain. You are right, you are not thinking clearly right now. My ex told me the same thing, I didnt want to be friends with benefit. But if you sleep with him that’s what it is.
I know you really want your ex back. I STRONGLY urge you not to sleep with him. What if I told you had a 100% chance of getting your ex back if you didn’t sleep with him? You wouldn’t do it right? I can’t guarantee it.
But I am seriously telling you right now, you are in a GREAT position and if you sleep with him it’s going to be a long, uphill battle. Don’t be suprised if he blows you off for a week or more after tonight.
I’m going to be honest, I’m really afraid for your situation if you do this. 🙁 you don’t want the position I’m in.
I agree, being on the other side of that. Had I not been having sex with my ex it would have had me back to my “normal self” a a lot faster, because we was going at my pace, and until she eventually broke up I honestly don’t think i would have broke out of that because I was getting all the relationship benefits without committing to the title or the complete behavior.
He prolly isn’t thinking it that way either, but the sex and the “situationship” masked a lot of the feelings that come from being emotional and having things to deal with that just eventually come back up later.
Im only giving advice if you decide to go through with it, but i agree with @dopierk , once the sex started happening i felt really good and loving but not fully “relationship” mode , it was a very long uphill battle before i got in the relationship mentality again
Mosis, I need some advice on my situation from a male perspective.
My ex hasn’t initiated contacting me since I texted him Thursday night. I’m not upset about this, this is what I expected I’m just not sure what to do.
My friend thinks I should wait for him to contact me. I shouldn’t text him first again. She thinks it will weird him out.
I do a lot of research outside of this board on getting your ex back and this one expert I trust, (Because everything he says has been spot on so far) says to keep reachingg out. He says sometimes you have to earn back your ex initiating contact with you. He says try a few more times to initiate contact and leave him wanting more each time and he will start to initiate contact with you. Ideally you want a 50/50 split.
I think if I say I’m not going to talk to him unless he contacts me first, it’s very likely I won’t talk to him ever again or for like a month. He’s incredibly stubborn, and there could be multiple reasons why he is not initiating but my gut is saying he’s hesitant and guarded right now.
So I think I am going to have to initiate contact again. The earliest I will, will be Monday. But do you think I should wait a Week and see if he says anything? Wait until Thursday?
I don’t want to scare him off and I don’t want him to freak out and think I’m being needy. In an ideal situation, yea I’d wait until he initiated. Let him chase me and all. But this relationship expert I mentioned, says sometimes you have to ignite the flame.
What do you think?
All I know is I have to come up with a new kind of text. Nothing emotional but something better that will fill him with poster feelings. So maybe then he will start contacting me. I feel like I’m balancing a long tightrope. So hard to gauge.
What the pro said is correct, you have to kick start the flame. I don’t think you are at the position to wait for him to reach out again. Mainly because you start the contact, and the way you left the conversation didn’t leave him in enough of a position to feel motivated to reach out. The wait could be long as you said, waiting for that to come around. You can start expecting him to contact you when you start having actual conversations again. Because what y’all had before was just an introduction. On top of that he is stubborn and prolly proceeding with caution.
So yeah, usually you want him to reach out, and you can give it monday-wednsday for that to happen. You can wait for him to text you first, because it gives the best results in getting him back, but still character plays a role into that and if he isn’t the type to do that you will have to hit him back up. After no contact it isn’t really about first or second, so you reaching out to him first is like a warm up shot before the game, it doesn’t count to the score.
The next time you text him it should be nothing emotional of course, but something that can pull the conversation out little bit, he will prolly mention the confusion of the last text exchange and you just mention simply what you put, that you was at the place and it made you think of him. we can discuss i guess the type of text to send as you come up with ideas.
But yes, waiting for him to text is the ideal situation, You only want to send one message at a time and let him reply so you grow the discipline to not look needy, also training him to give a back and forth exchange, unknowingly. The first text can be forgiven though, had you not text first could have been months, or maybe even never that he would reach out to you. You wasn’t reaching out (by his standards) because you want him back, simply just had a memory of him and felt it was worth sharing because who else would understand that memory other than the two of you?
I think it should be a kind of “catch up” text, but not with details, just the regular conversation of vague details. This is the conversation you have to give off the image that you are happy with or without him.
i don’t know if this one has to be AS strategic but you have a few days to figure it out
Yeah I think a simple how are you doing , maybe a smiley face or something would be good. And possibly throw get ahead of the curve when he responds, because I feel like he will, and whatever he says you make a joke out of what happened last time y’all were texting like “oh yeah sorry about that! Haha the place just really reminded me of you so I had to let you know, would have had more time to talk but I got pretty busy”
Or “I got pretty busy catching up with friends” or something to that effect so it’s clear you have a life and are doing fine
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