Hi Kevin
My ex boyfriend broke up with me 5 weeks ago, we were together 4 years.
We had got into a horrible cycle of having arguements every 3-4 weeks.Not little bickers but huge fights. I admit I started most of them because I held resentment and a little anger through feeling let down by him at times.
We nearly broke up 4 weeks before the final arguement but I talked him round and he said this was our final chance and more arguements over nothing and that would be it.
We had our final arguement and he ended it.
We had a little contact in the first week of breakup in which he said he was angry with me and didn’t want to talk to me right now. So I decided to give him time.
A couple of days later I got a few text saying how despite the bravado I had been his world, that he would have done anything for me, how much he had loved me and how I had left him feeling empty.
I called him the following night and he said he felt resentment and bitterness towards me and he didn’t know what was going to happen and to give him time and he might see me.
I left him alone for 2 weeks and started texting him every couple of days. Just friendly text about work etc. He responded straight away to every one. Then after nearly 2 weeks of me texting him he asked why I was contacting him.
He told me he had had the worst few werks partly because of us and partly because of other things going on in his life. I told him that I would always live and care about him and he said the same back but said to stop contacting him.
This was 2 days ago, my head is all over the place.
Why did he responded to me for 2 weeks then cut me off?
I’m guessing you never sat down with him to have calm conversations those times you felt he let you down. Instead of resolving each issue as it arose in a respectful manner, your anger and resentments grew. As a result of too many arguments, his unhappiness and anger grew. He reached his breaking point and didn’t want to continue in a miserable relationship anymore. That’s not to say there weren’t good times, but the bad ones overpowered the good. Men want happy relationships and when troubles arise, they want to fix them through brief calm discussions. He wanted to make you happy, but felt he couldn’t because of all the fights you started, thereby proving to him you weren’t happy in the relationship. Sending him casual texts for 2 weeks did nothing to solve your issues and he obviously needs more time to get past all the hurt and disappointment of the break up. If you honor his request and leave him alone for at least a month, you might have a better chance of reconciliation.
When and if he wants to see you or talk again, you absolutely must be calm. No angry accusations, just try to have a calm talk about what went wrong and why. Talk about the changes needed in order to interact with each other in better ways and what it would take to make each other happier in a possible future relationship together.
In the meantime, work on yourself to improve your temperament and don’t obsess about him. Give him the space and do things that you enjoy…
Thank you for responding.
Yes you are right we never sat down and talked the issues through. We would have the arguement, then have a brief talk and he would say let’s just draw a line under it and move on. But I never resolved it in my head. Which lead to a build up of negative feelings inside me.
Also I know that 2 weeks wasn’t long enough for me to start contact, we both feel hurt and that was far too soon for either of us to have a clear head.
He told me not to contact him and that but he also told me that we weren’t getting back together and too much has happened.
Do men who say this ever want to start again.
I can’t see that he will ever change his mind.
I know that I can’t make any contact and the most important thing is to heal myself.
You are also right, he wanted to make me happy but I’d put my barriers up. In the last few weeks of our relationship he kept asking if I was happy and also asked if I loved him. He was still talking about me moving in with him and we talked about what we were going to d for our holiday next year.
I feel that I hurt him by being the way I was.
Yes, sometimes men change their minds about reconciliation, but they have to have a good reason. They have to know that things will be better because they don’t want to re-enter a bad relationship. He asked if you were happy and loved him because by showing anger and starting arguments you were showing by your behavior that you weren’t happy and didn’t love him. Actions speak louder than words. Your actions were negative and unloving. I don’t know if you ever apologized, but it might be a good idea to send one last email or text before you start no contact letting him know you’re sorry for causing so much turmoil during the relationship, that you understand how he must be feeling, and you are changing your outlook on life and love.
Since there were so many arguments over the 4 years and too many negative feelings built up on both sides, you would both have to want to have a very calm discussion about the reasons for them and ways to improve with a plan to resolve them to get them out of the way. After that, if you get another chance, it would be very important to try and get along much better with very few disagreements, but whenever an issue might arise, it would need to be resolved quickly, otherwise the same problem will occur over and over again. Remember, men want happiness and they want to provide happiness to others.
I did write him a letter 6 days after he broke up with me and I apologised for hurting him.
I also told him that I need to work towards letting go of past issues and old arguments. And that I knew that without time apart things wouldn’t have changed.
The last contact we had I told him that I had been working on myself to change how I think about things and how I can resolve things within myself.
I would prefer not to send any more text or an email as it’s been 5 days no contact and I don’t want to irritate him. And I feel I should respect his decision to not contact him.
I don’t think that unless he can think of a the good times or nice feelings again he will have any desire to talk to me.
I have told him how I feel about him but im pretty sure at this moment in time that means nothing.
How can I show actions unless I have a chance? How would I proceed after 30 days?
Also,when he told me to give him time and I only gave him 2 weeks. Although my text were just friendly with no pressure to talk or see each other that maybe he felt pressure from me? And there wasn’t enough time for him to sort his head out too? Because I feel that by him saying to give him time there was still a chance then but he hadn’t had time to miss me or experience life without me.
Do people that end relationships go through a different range of emotions that the people who get finished with?
Okay, you sent the letter 6 days after the break up, so don’t send another one. He will have it there to refer to if he wants… But right now, your words in the letter most likely fell on deaf ears. He has a lot of anger and resentment to work through and if the anger fades so that he can remember more good times than bad, he might get in touch. Yes, respect his request for no contact. And yes he needs time to miss you. There is no magic to 30 days and you might even wait longer… You could start by writing a short note to ask how he’s doing or like the advice on this site, a remembrance of some sort. Anyway later on if you text or call or see him in person, DON’T bring up your feelings again, unless he asks a question about your feelings! You show actions either in electronic messages or in person by not starting an argument, no matter what. He will be very reluctant to believe you’ve changed for the better…
I know you have regrets for the way you treated him and you would never behave like that again. Yes, guys go through a wide range of emotions after they break up with someone. They feel betrayed (in an emotional sense) and they feel heartbroken because maybe the dream they had died. There is tremendous hurt on both sides of a break up…
Thank you, being out of the relationship is already enabling me to see things differently. Im thinking of how my behaviour must have affected him and also how just a few simple steps could have prevented this happening but I couldn’t see it at the time.
And sadly im also realising how much he really did love me, albeit too late.
I love and miss him but know for now I have to heal.
There’s a saying that hindsight is 20/20. I guess it would be great to be able to look into the future to see how our actions affect other people and how things would turn out due to our behaviors. We can’t go back, but we can learn the lessons and vow to try and never repeat out mistakes. I was very sad reading your post because I could sense by what you wrote that he loved you very much, but just couldn’t go on the way things were…
Now apparently he’s trying to deal with not only the break up, but other things going on in his life. He’s probably stressed out by those other things and needs time to resolve them. And obviously he’s been irritated with your contacts. He needs more time to think things over logically and time to miss you too.
Has it been about a week since last contact?
Yes, hindsight is a wonderful thing.
We both made mistakes in the relationship, no cheating or anything like that, but both probably didn’t communicate as well as we could have. He managed to make change but I didn’t and the last 6 months were very difficult.
Yes I don’t think he could carry on the way it was, it was hard for both of us.
I’m not sure what else he has going on but from the text he had he mentioned that work was very busy and making him feel stressed and he wasn’t sleeping either which wasn’t helping.
The text we exchanged were just casual and maybe he was just being polite as he didn’t want to upset me. He cut me off so suddenly.
Yes it’s been 7 days since last contact.
I guess sometimes people just switch off sometimes too and move on.
Don’t give up all hope yet and try not to be too sad, even though I know you are to some extent. He probably cut you off suddenly because the casual notes didn’t solve anything. Yes, I also think he was trying to be polite, but it was probably also frustrating for him to continue the contact. Don’t let it bother you too much. Maybe when things at work calm down a bit, he will get in touch. Four years is a long time and I’m sure there must be lots of good memories he will be thinking about too. In the meantime continue no contact and see what happens…
Wishing you the best!
Thank you for your help. It’s good to have advise from someone who can see outside of the situation.
I will continue with no contact and work on myself.
It’s been 11 days no contact. I haven’t been tempted to contact him as I know it’s too soon and im not ready in case I get rejected.
But is it normal to feel a massive range of different emotions.
In the morning I wake up feeling empty and as the day goes on my feelings can change.
Does everyone feel like this after a breakup?
Glad you’re continuing no contact:) Yes, people have differing emotions that might change day to day or throughout the same day.
I’m on day 14 of no contact. I can’t believe the range of emotions I have been going through.
I had a few really good days feeling positive and feeling strong.
I felt like I lost myself in the relationship and I changed so much and had become unhappy because of my resentment and the arguements. I realised that although my actions caused the final breakup that he was also responsible for some of our problems. And that he has just walked away with no care in the world and moved on with his life.
Then BAM! yesterday I felt an overwhelming sense of loss again, and a feeling of sadness. And guilt that he had tried so hard the last 6 months to make me happy and save our relationship and how much I may have hurt him by not showing my love and how I had switched off.
How has he cut off so easily when im on a roller coaster?
Glad you’re staying no contact:) It’s been 2 weeks now, so don’t write to him yet. Maybe in another couple of weeks or more would be a better time to reach out. Yes, it’s normal for your emotions to go through a range of assorted feelings, but hope you’re letting go of all the resentments even though he also contributed to some of the problems in the relationship. But from what you wrote before, it seems you’re the one who caused most of the unhappiness by your angry behaviors and starting so many arguments during the relationship. That’s why he was able to walk away far more easily than you were because he was extremely unhappy and disappointed. He might even feel a sense of relief now that he’s out on his own without all the drama that created. But please don’t feel guilty about anything as it’s past history. The main thing and most important thing is that you realize your part in the break up and that you’re determined to change your attitude for the better and the way you would interact with him if given another chance. Stay strong and keep going with no contact.
It’s been 4 months since my relationship of 8 years ended,unfortunately, I just found this site tonight. I obviously did everything wrong. Although I initiated the breakup, he made the decision that I was right, that he was unhappy, that he was done trying. He gave up on us. Although I tried to convince him that we were meant to be together, that I loved him unconditionally. He was adamant that he was unhappy, that this was for the best. There was evidence of another woman but he vehemently denied that it was another woman. Just that I wasn’t making him happy. For the first few weeks I text him and he text me back. Constantly reminding me that it was me who ended things, that he just agreed. He even called me to explain why this wasn’t working and to assure me no woman had replaced him, although there was evidence of another woman. After week 5 I made the decision to not contact him and I stuck to it although it was hard as hell. He contacted me about 4 weeks later with a simple hello. Again I did the wrong thing and responded with I miss you. He never responded. Since then we have talked only concerning my son. Nothing personal. What I’m proud of is that I have not contacted him. That I’ve gone on a cruise, gone out with friends something I’ve never done because he didn’t want me to. That I’ve worked on me. Eating better, working out. Losing weight, went from 176 to 152. Working on me. Do I want him back? YES. If only to prove to him that I’m a better me , but he has to be a better him as well. I Realize that I’ve played a role in our relationships demise, but, but I’m not going to punish myself any longer. I no longer get up every morning and cry because he’s not here, or go to sleep crying because I miss him so. Every day gets easier, gets better. Every morning I tell myself I love me…