Penelope, don’t worry. Everyone makes mistakes. I understand how you feel but, it’s just what it is. It’s done. He knows you thought he ignored you on purpose. And maybe he did, so he deserved it. Accept what you did Penelope and don’t think about it anymore. Make peace with yourself. You have enough burdens from the past to deal with as it is. If he does have feelings and wants to be with you in the future, it’s not you calling him “idiot” once that will change that. If you really feel that bad, let some time pass, keep focusing on yourself and relaxing and all that, and in a week or two when you find him by himself, apologize, and even talk once and for all
hi, Kaila. I just got off the phone with my therapist. She had a very different reaction than I thought she would to me calling him an asshole/idiot; I thought she would be angry with me for sending yet more mixed/hostile signals but she, instead, was calm: “It’s neither here nor there.”
I feel a bit resentful towards her; for the past 3 years, she has been pushing me towards telling him how I felt… not because she wanted me to get crushed, but because she was the only one who ever believed in our connection, that I had been and was still important to him. Today I feel like she and I were both the only ones in the relationship.
As for what he told me that night, I agree with your option “a”. I think he did want to hang out with me (why else would he have picked me up on the street and invited me to have ice cream with him?), I think he was having fun, and I think he did drunkenly say what he was really thinking. His friend even corroborated it last weekend when he told me, “That thing at my house, that was all you guys. I didn’t want you to come.” But, obviously, F thought better of it and backpedaled. It doesn’t really matter why. He wanted to communicate to me that there is nothing between us. He was uncomfortable and made up that crap about his friend so that I could save face and not embarrass the both of us.
I see him differently now. I realize how much I’d idealized him. All of his wonderful qualities. I still love those, but I now also see him an insecure, immature being with low self esteem - why else run after a series of young girls? Yes, yes, we get it, you’re ridiculously handsome, but what about a real woman? An equal, a partner? It’s easier to be seen as a stud when you impress a young girl than by pulling and keeping an accomplished woman. Even if he wanted me, he might not even have been right for me. I want a family, I want a partner. He’s at that stupid bar until 3 in the morning every night. What would my life be like if we were together? I’m certainly not going to be out until 3 every night keeping tabs on him!
I’m telling more and more of my friends that I’m planning on leaving. I even gave my boss my long notice today; I told her that it’s very possible that by the new year I won’t be here any more and she might want to start looking at hiring some new teachers. Both of us started to cry.
I do think he is insecure in part. And if we think about it… He hasn’t been going for younger women all the time has he? He did try with you, and maybe other women of the same age. But he was never sucessful, at least not with you. And makes me think what really is in his head.
For one, he was rejected by you.
On the other hand, it’s like he knows you want to get closer, but doesn’t let you. Is he really not interested? Or is he thinking “is this woman crazy? i wanted to be with her and she rejected me, what does she want now?”
He keeps running. He doesnt let you talk properly about things. And maybe he is afraid of commitment and doesn’t want to grow and keeps fooling himself that he is still on his 20s by going out with these girls. Maybe when he tried with you he was on a sane phase still
I don’t know, Kaila. We met when he was 35 and I was 30. His girlfriend after we stopped dating was 13 years younger than him. The waitress is 15 years younger than him. I have no idea how old his previous partners were, but this young girl thing seems to be the trend of the past few years. It’s possible he thought I was young as well; this is not to toot my own horn, but people are usually shocked to hear my age - I routinely get told that I look 5-10 years younger, and guys in their 20s hit on me all the time.
Age aside, I do know that I am a different kind of animal than his past (and current) women. I’m bi-racial, speak 4 languages, have lived in 5 countries, have a Master’s degree, and have written for internationally renowned publications. My first book is on the road to being published. He always went on and on about how I’m so “intelligent”; one of his nicknames for me was “genius.” He told me that his sister was “thrilled” that he was dating an intelligent woman “for a change.” I asked him, “You dated women who weren’t intelligent before?” And he said, “Yes. They were all local girls, with narrow minds. That’s not what I want anymore. Now I want a beautiful mind, like yours.” But after me, his girlfriend worked at a beach club. And now he’s playing around with a waitress. Nothing wrong with either of those jobs; they’re just a different breed of girl to me, and also different to what he said he wanted.
Do you know what’s so ridiculous and what I need to stop doing RIGHT NOW? I’m remembering back when we dated. At his sister’s birthday party, their friends were all excited to meet me and I referred to F as “my first friend in town.” I’m remembering the time he said, “I like spending time with you because you make me see old things in a new way. Now tell me why you like spending time with me!” and I replied, “you show me around town.” I’m remembering the time he offered to paint my apartment in exchange for a home-cooked meal and I ignored him, and I’m remembering the time I invited him to my birthday party and sent a mass invite on facebook, to him and only other men, to purposely make him think that he wasn’t being invited because he was special. I did those things because he hadn’t tried to kiss me; I made up my mind that he only wanted to be friends, and then I didn’t want to give him the opportunity to hurt me. I didn’t trust him or his motives.
I need to stop thinking about that because that’s ME, with my problems. He cut me off from inviting him to dinner because he isn’t interested in me other than as a friend. Whatever he felt for me died a long time ago (and who could blame him). What’s left is affection and respect. Me thinking about my own stupid mistakes is just diving into fantasy to stave off the pain.
I’m so afraid that by calling him an asshole, I’ve launched another of our horrible cold periods.
side note: why did I hate his friend? “friend” is a loose term - this guy is the neighborhood drunk/drug addict who haunts the bar we go to. He’s local color, famous for the insane things he says. The regulars at the bar tolerate him to be nice, but he’s considered a dangerous freak. No one is close to him. F even told me himself that they’re not close.
I hated him because a couple of years ago, after F and I reconnected, this guy came up to me at the bar and said, “Hey, you’re in love with F. F says you’re intelligent and funny, but that’s it. So you love him but he doesn’t care about you. It’s just a dream!” This was only the second time I’d ever seen this guy. He said this in front of the bartender. Not only were his words gutting, but humiliating as well. I avoided that guy like the plague ever since. I have no idea if F knows that the guy said those things to me (I doubt the guy even remembered afterwards). F had only seen us interact once or twice. I think it’s highly doubtful that he would have engineered the whole evening just to get me to make peace with a dangerous sloppy drunk.
oh, one other thing:
he’s seen as a stud in this town - my friend said, “That guy has had the most beautiful women in this place.” While we were dating, F said to me, “I’ve never had trouble getting women.” I think I might have been the only one who gave him any problems. And, I guess, his ex recently, hence that crazy scene at the club a couple of months ago. Where the heck is she in all of this now?
The waitress is a really, really sweet girl but I feel low and heartsick. I know I’m probably jumping the gun - just because they’re flirting doesn’t mean she’s going to become his new serious girlfriend - but it’s just another reminder that he doesn’t want anything with me, and I’ve just been dreaming this whole time.
Interesting… Please pay attention to this bit you wrote on your first message:
"I’m remembering the time he offered to paint my apartment in exchange for a home-cooked meal and I ignored him, and I’m remembering the time I invited him to my birthday party and sent a mass invite on facebook, to him and only other men, to purposely make him think that he wasn’t being invited because he was special. I did those things because he hadn’t tried to kiss me; I made up my mind that he only wanted to be friends, and then I didn’t want to give him the opportunity to hurt me.
(…)
“He cut me off from inviting him to dinner because he isn’t interested in me other than as a friend.”
See how it COULD be that he is doing to you what you did to him, somewhat? I know that it might be nothing, but it’s interesting how you say all those things you did in the past because you were afraid and some sound like the kind of things he does.
You do seem like a really interesting woman and you deserve someone that is just like you! Maybe you have tips for someone who would like to improve their writing? 
About his “friend”, now that you put it that way, yeah, it doesn’t make sense at all. And he probably was just saying gibberish, I know a few of those types of people here where I live, and their main hobbie is to just steer drama cause of their boring lives.
My dear… we can wonder and wonder forever. But it needs to come a point when you look at him with a straight face and say “let’s have a drink, I have something to tell you”. And tell him everything. Tell him how all of these years you have been thinking how good you could be for each other. Tell him how you pushed him away cause you were afraid to be hurt, you didn’t know how to deal with it. Tell him why you never approached him again. And tell him that you are thinking of moving abroad or to another city to start your life over, but you couldn’t go and wonder what if forever, so you are laying all the cards in the table.
First, of course, tell him to year you out and not interrupt you. Better yet, instead of a drink, invite him for dinner at your house or a nice and quiet restaurant, maybe a bit out of town so that you know no one will interrupt you and make themselves a guest. If he is reluctant to accept your invitation, tell him it’s really important, and that it’s the only thing you’ll ever ask him. If even then he doesn’t accept it, say that you will be moving out and would like to spend some time or tell him something before you leave.
PS I would love to read some of your work! I can give you my info and you send me thru facebook or email or something. If you are ok with it of course. We have been talking for months now, I would love to read some of the things you write, besides your misadventures with F
Hi, Kaila… sorry I haven’t responded - I went to the islands with some girlfriends for the weekend and there was no internet. It was nice to get away, although I’m still having a hard time controlling my emotions.
Regarding what you said about it COULD be him doing what I did to him, sure, I see that it’s POSSIBLE … but I just don’t think it’s likely, nor do I think it’s healthy for me to keep hoping that deep deep down inside he still has feelings for me. This past summer I’ve been through the emotional wringer; he let me get closer to him than I’d been in years, and then made me feel so utterly insignificant. I need to grow up. Stop looking for zebras when I see horse hooves. Believe his actions and his words; stop clinging to this “connection” I feel when we’re together. It’s apparently all on my side.
I’ve been very down; have been torturing myself with thoughts of him and this waitress. I’m sure they’re together by now. Why wouldn’t they be? I saw how they flirted. If she’s what he wants, then he’ll have her because he’s irresistible. She’s what he wants; someone young and sweet. I’m old and neurotic.
I can’t go through this again - watching him with another woman. I need to stay in Italy until at least December - legal things, and my parents are coming for Christmas - but I would leave tomorrow if I could, job or no job.
Haven’t seen him since the night I called him an idiot/asshole, anyway. Dreading it; either I have to see him frolicking with the waitress or he’ll be cold to me, and who’d blame him after I called him a coglione. Assuming he’s normal, I don’t know how to be around him. I don’t want to be cold, but I don’t want to make him uncomfortable with my desire for him. I guess I just have to swallow my feelings as usual.
I’m trying to come up with a plan to let go of him, finger by finger.
- Give him and the waitress my blessing
- fully accept that we’re not right for each other and that I made up the whole connection in my mind
- Give him back the movies he “lent” me 5 years ago
- Make my plans to move back to the States
- before I go, tell him that he meant a great deal to me, that I’m grateful to have known him, and I wish him the best in his life.
Probably best in the meantime to see him as little as possible, so I can start detaching.
*Obviously, not a real blessing: they don’t need it, it’s not my place, etc. I mean “my blessing” in my head, emotionally letting go and being happy for them.
I’m so flattered that you would like to read my writing. I kind of feel like you have been… this stuff with F is a story in itself and if we aren’t meant to be together after all… which i’m starting to think we’re not.
What are you interested in reading, short stories or travel articles? Maybe you can sen me your contact and i can link you to something…
It’s ok! How was your trip?
I will try to talk with Kevin (site owner) so he can send you my email, what do you think? Hum, both actually! More travel though
I get it… And yes it’s normal you feel down 
Penelope, the only thing I beg of you is to tell him everything please. You need to get all the “what ifs” out of your mind my dear. Years down the road you won’t regret what you did, but what you didn’t do, and it will haunt you forever! Don’t just say “you were special to me once”. Tell him you hoped one day you would work. Tell him why you pushed him away. Get it all out and off the way. If not now, a month or so before you go. So that if he wants to see you or tell you something he can still find you.
This way you can just close this chapter and be 100% sure there is nothing there and move on. Be strong!
hi, Kaila (starlight, ikkemarl…). It’s been such a hard couple of weeks. I don’t feel any better; I feel like I’m losing my mind. I haven’t seen him since the night I called him an asshole; I’ve been too afraid to go near him and have been torturing myself with the thought that by now he has probably made this waitress his girlfriend. Not constructive, I know. I can’t stop crying. I keep asking myself if I’ve just imagined everything.
I will see him tonight; there’s an event in town. I’ve lain low for the past couple of weeks, hiding at home and nursing my frazzled self but I know I can’t stay home forever and eventually i’m going to have to see him. For my own peace of mind, I need to greet him nicely. I also need to see what’s going on with him and this waitress - at least if it’s true I’ll know that I’ve been crying over something real, instead of making myself crazy for nothing.
But I’m so nervous and scared. I don’t know how to BE around him. Yes, yes, of course, polite and nice. But it’s so hard for me not to look for “signs” that he still has feelings for me, and when he smiles at me I turn to putty. I’m also afraid that he’ll feel uncomfortable around me now that I tried to talk about his “destiny and fate” thing. And, of course, seeing him with the waitress will hurt.
I don’t feel angry anymore, just hurt and sad, which is good - I don’t think I’ll be calling him any more nasty names. But I’m so afraid of more pain, and I’m also afraid of making him uncomfortable. And so help me god, there’s still a part of me that whispers: keep an eye out for signs so that you don’t miss them! How crazy can I be?? When am I going to finally get it into my head that any feelings he had for me died years ago and now he just likes my company?
I know I have to see him - after a few months, I’ll never see him again. I just feel so scared.
What are you scared of exactly? Getting more hurt I suppose right? If that’s it then maybe you shouldn’t hang around him. I know it’s easier said than done, but if you will stop seeing him anyway then if being hurt is what you are scared of, the only way is to not see him.
Now, you know what I think of this. Nothing you do now will change his feelings. Being it that he has feelings, or that he hasn’t. Also, you only make assumptions and more assumptions Penelope. Just because they had a flirty talk doesn’t mean they are dating, much less bf and gf. And I bet if you see them talking you will automatically assume something is up. But what you really need to do, is have a definite talk. No matter what. No matter if he has 1 girlfriend or 10, you need to tell him everything.
It’s the only thing you can do, the only thing you can change now. Is stop the hide and seek, the hot and cold, the guessing game
Hi, Kaila. You are 100% right - I have GOT to get a grip! I haven’t been right in the head ever since he started pulling away from me at the end of June, and especially not since that scene at the club with his ex. That moment was so shocking for me. It negated everything I thought he and I had been sharing, and I don’t know what’s real anymore. I create monsters and demons in my own head; I think I partially do it as a sort of superstitious way of protecting myself. I think, “things are never as bad as they seem in my paranoid freak outs, so if I have a paranoid freak out, it’s a way of insuring that something horrible actually WON’T happen.” I tend to do this more often when something awful surprises me out of left field (like that scene at the club; I didn’t expect his gorilla-like behavior in a million years). I get afraid of more terrible surprises so I invent ugly fantasies and then when they don’t come true, I’m relieved. Nine times out of ten it “works,” but it’s a horrible way to live. I’ve been torturing myself with thoughts of him and this waitress but, of course, you’re right - what do I know? They’re flirting. Maybe he just wants to get laid. Maybe he just wants to make his ex jealous. Maybe he’s just blowing off steam. And yet, I’ve been telling myself that it’s TRUE LOVE and, well, who knows, it could be that, too, but there’s no reason to go down that road just yet. I’m only hurting myself on purpose, needlessly, so that I remain stuck and miserable.
Yes, I’m scared of more pain, but you know what I’m just as - if not even more - scared of? Being wrong. Reading things wrong, that is. It’s SO HARD for me not to read into his behavior and I don’t want to do that anymore. My therapist and I have worked so hard on getting me to trust my instincts, the things I see in front of me, but I feel like it doesn’t work. I don’t have this problem with any other person in my life, and have never had it with any other person. I’m also afraid of making him uncomfortable, or making a fool of myself… and at the same time, afraid of missing signs that he might want to be closer! Like that night when he tried to invite me for dinner and I ran away to feed my cat, you know? Or when he touches me flirtatiously and I just stand there like stone…
I saw him on Saturday night. I guess you - and others I’ve talked to - were right; he didn’t seem to care that I called him an asshole. I was sitting on a stoop by the bar’s entrance and he waved at me to get my attention; that made me feel better. We said hi to each other warmly and then he went on his way. We didn’t really interact for the rest of the night; I spent most of my time with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. He didn’t seem to be interacting that much with the waitress, either - he was much more occupied with other friends, including other female friends who he was clearly happy to talk to and hugging warmly. It seemed more like the waitress was seeking him out instead of the other way around. It didn’t seem like he gave her any special treatment. I purposely gave him space, trying to remember that I need to detach at some point. Later in the evening, my friend went to the bathroom and I sat by myself on the stoop by the entrance of the bar again. He came over to the bar’s entrance and stood by himself, watching the crowd. We were just a few feet apart, separated only by a trash can, both of us staring straight ahead and talking to no one. I caught his eye and smiled. He said, “Penelope” in kind of a weird voice (resigned? accusatory? not warm or happy, anyway). I said, “Francesco”. He gave me a thumbs up. I gave him two thumbs up. I tried to make an inside joke of ours but some people came up to him at that moment and drowned out my words. They left, and then F and I both went back to staring straight ahead, not talking to anyone. At that moment, all I wanted in the world was for him to come sit down next to me - I know that’s unfair, considering that I’d left him alone all night and our previous encounter had involved me calling him a coglione. We just sat there like two strangers, and just 3 weeks before, I’d eaten the food he’d cooked. I can’t tell you how many times this has happened in our history; us acting like strangers after a warm, lovely encounter.
My friend came back and then he went back to his own friends. He left before I could say goodbye. I know I could have gone over to stand next to him and chat a bit, but I’m confused. Should I be starting the detachment process and leaving my head clear so that I don’t read into more of his neutral, friendly behavior and derail my plans to leave Italy? Or, considering that I’ll never see him again in a few months, be trying to have as many good encounters with him as possible so as to end this association on a positive note?
I know what your answer will be - seek him out and talk to him. And I agree. At least let him hear these things once, from my mouth, so that they don’t have to die inside of me. I know he’s not the right man for me, but I can’t stop thinking about him. This is the week we started dating, 5 years ago. First date: his favorite pub, walking around the ancient quarter, talking until 3 in the morning on the cathedral steps. He told me, “I’ve never approached a woman the way I approached you. I just knew we had things in common, I knew we were the same, I knew you would understand me and I understood you. I picked you, like a flower.”
It’s always a bit hard to remember. Maybe those were all just pick up lines. But I know I need to be grateful for what I have. Once upon a time, someone like him fancied me. He got over me a long time ago and now what remains is affection and respect. He enjoys spending time with me. I have to be happy with that.
ugh, yeah. hot and cold. the story of my relationship with him! i literally don’t have any more time for this nonsense. maybe i just need to adopt the attitude of “i’m leaving anyway so who gives a crap” and just be his friend, be myself, no agenda, no expectations just… be. and before i go, tell him. maybe about a month before, as you said.
brief update: ran into him today while i was doing errands. he was standing outside his family’s store, where we first met in 2010 and he followed me for 5 blocks to ask me for my number. He stopped working there 4 years ago and i haven’t seen him there since, so seeing him there today was a shock for me - very bittersweet. he was waiting for his aunts to close up so that he could go have lunch with them. we chatted outside the store for about 40 minutes. it was nice; neutral, friendly and pleasant.
i was glad that i was able to be calm throughout the chat. it was also a big relief to see that there don’t seem to have been terrible ramifications to my having tried to invite him to dinner, called him an asshole, or practically ignored him saturday night; he tapped me on the arm to make a point as we were walking across the piazza and said that if i wanted to improve my italian, we could look at some song translations - “if there’s time” - so i guess i didn’t piss him off or horrify him. from my end, i made sure to be neutral and friendly and not give off any signals of desire/desperation (i didn’t touch him or react to him suggesting the song translation thing). he was so cute. it was so good to spend time with him. as we were walking to our respective destinations - him to his aunt’s house and me to my car - i was just overcome with this incredible urge to touch him, or hold him… i just put my hands in my pockets and just tried to think of something else.
it was a nice chat. slightly awkward but pleasant goodbye. right now i’m trying so hard not to read anything into it. as we were talking i thought, “this is totally neutral. there are no signals, nothing to read into” but i did pick up on a couple of things that made me think, “hmm” and that now i am obsessively picking apart. sigh. it’s hard for me to know when the things i notice are important and when i’m just blowing things out of proportion.
that’s it! nice, friendly, pleasant. there is no such thing as destiny, there is no such thing as magic. and time is running out. i will tell him. i will adopt the “three months to live” attitude - how about that? where nothing matters and i can do all the things i’ve always been too afraid to do. i guess timing is important here now. one of my friends (frenemies?) told me, “if you tell him you’re leaving, he will write you off faster than you can blink” and that scared the crap out of me. then again, this friend might have ulterior motives and isn’t really to be trusted. so maybe a month in advance. the moment has to be right. i guess i’ll know it when i feel it.
Wow I really haven’t come here in a bit ah, and I thought I was checking this every other day. Sorry for that!
True, I noticed that ever since that scene about his ex you changed completely. Understandably so. Your mind got completely confused. But to me it was more of an ego issue.
And I can relate to that. Thinking of the worse, which doesn’t happen 9 times out of 10. But that is no way to live and I changed quite a lot when it comes to that cause it just kept me frozen in time.
We are always wrong sometimes so it’s bound to happen. Truth is, what is, is. So it doesn’t matter if you think 30 minutes about it, or 3 hours, if you worry a bit or the whole day, it doesn’t change anything. So stop worrying
It must have been so awkward to stand there being alone and him by himself and not talk to each other. It’s weird cause… the normal thing to do would be to approach each other? Even that name and thumbs up thing seems like hint he was feeling awkward too I guess? Strange thing when you are just friends.
It must be so so hard… 5 years ago you were meeting each other, he was telling you all those things, and now both of you just stand there staring at the void.
when I remember how you say how much of a flirt and chick magnet he is it makes me think it was just a pick up line, but you met his family and all, he did act differently with you. I just think he has as many “issues” with himself/his life as you do, hence why he acts like this. Part of me tells me you were really important to him and that he did see something very special with you.
And yes you are right 
that’s exactly what I think you need to do, I’m glad you think the same. And I think that is an EXCELLENT approach to this situation: live these three months as if they were your last ones “to live”. Do whatever, let yourself free, enjoy italy, enjoy your friends, if you want to go dance and drink and sing in the rain do it
It seems to me that was a nice encounter (the one in the street). And what a coincidence… At the same place you met, 5 years later.
It sure makes up for that time in the bar staring at the ceiling instead of talking to each other. You see he always backs off and then hints at spending time together. Or did I get things wrong? It’s so frustrating! Argh -.-’ I’m trying to think what that might mean…thinks… Why would he talk about “improving” your italian after you have been there 5 years? That does seem random and an attempt at just finding some reason to spend time together. It’s ok cause it gives you more reasons so that when you do decide it’s the right time it’s easier to schedule something
About that frenemie… I think he/she meant he will lose all interest if you say you are leaving Italy right? Well, if you mean/meant something really deep and special, that won’t happen. And that is the only thing that matters. If you mean/meant anything other than that then you are better off without him anyway. Trust me. You want someone that will love and accept you so much, the thought of being without you is the last last option, or no option at all really.
He might back off though, as to not be hurt. He might shut off, he might become really cold. But everything is reversible. And if he has feelings and wants to try and not be without you, he can just say it. Now, it’s easier said than done. But if you have that dinner at your house with nice drinks… He probably will say whatever he is feeling and thinking
Hi, Kaila! nice to hear from you again… I’m glad you like my ‘3 months to live’ plan. now let’s see if i can actually make my head work that way!
some clarification on minor points:
-
i wouldn’t call him a ladies’ man… he’s very handsome and lots of women want to be with him, but in 5 years, i’ve only ever seen him flirt with that waitress last month. and, i guess, me for brief periods.
-
i was the one who brought up improving my italian. i’ve spoken italian my whole life but i never went to school so i’m insecure about my writing skills (can’t spell…). i told him that i thought it might be interesting to take a class and see what happens. he hemmed and hawed and said he doesn’t think i need one, that it’d be wasted money. later, he suggested looking at song lyrics - ‘if you want, if there’s time.’
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the frenemy is a man. i mentioned him back when that scene at the nightclub happened; he’s the guy i’ve always suspected that F thinks I might be “with.” He wouldn’t be alone; a lot of our friends think there’s something going on between us (there absolutely is not). This frenemy - we’ll call him “S” - originally gave me some really interesting insight about F, but then his insights turned weird and snaky so I stopped confiding in him. I started confiding in him again out of desperation last June, when F shut the door in my face again. S has told me on a few occasions, “F always stares at me when he sees me. He knows I’m in your circle, he takes notice of who you’re with”… but that night at the club he told me, “get any ideas out of your head. there’s nothing between you. he loves her and if you cared about him at all, you’d go over and see if he’s okay.” Naturally, I’ve stopped confiding in him again but once in a while he’ll throw something out, like “if you tell him you’re leaving, he’ll write you off faster than you can blink.” I suspect that S said this to keep me from leaving (his reaction when I told him was really emotional), but at the same time I can’t help but wonder if he’s right.
My encounter with F at the boutique was nice. But, just as you said, that night at the club changed me… and our more recent experience where he cut me off before I could invite him to dinner and said our whole fun, random day was all to help his friend has changed me, too. It’s hard for me to enjoy simply being with him; I keep telling myself, “he doesn’t want you he doesn’t want you he doesn’t want you”. When I got home, instead of being happy that we’d had a nice chat, I started obsessing over the fact that he said, “Your friend was just in here. That girl I always see you with, I don’t know her name. Is she a good friend of yours?” because I got it into my head that he asked that because he wants to date her; I kid you not, I didn’t sleep for two nights.
This is my way of protecting myself. It really sucks. Right now I’m having a really hard time believing that he wanted something special with me, or that he could ever want anything special with me again. But today I feel strangely positive! Not about him, just positive in general, which is a nice change of pace because I’ve felt like crap for the past few months.
Hang in there. Love is a strange thing and obviously you still love him and you are going about it correctly. Just no more vulgar language. Try to learn the language and be the woman he wants but most importantly needs. I am in similar position but I know you can do it. Your doing well. If he is that important then keep going you will be successful and you reap what you sow. Like I said before before I was rudely interrupted by someone thinking I was selling products and thinks I have no problems of my own.
It might take some time really it is like nature just because the mirror is broken do not give up. Everyone tells you to but what does your heart tell you and how are they doing in relationship. Probably nothing and moving on… Did I ever tell you the definition of insanity. You got this but it will take some work. This is more satisfying when you overcome than to start over on something you think is perfect until the mask is taken off. Did I ever tell you the definition of insanity? Keep going.
You will make it just hold on and keep kicking butt. If you really love him than prove it and stay there and hold it together. I know I have. I have no idea why but my spirit has adopted another spirit. It is called honey badger. have a look.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c36UNSoJenI
pay close attention to the message and every word.