Starting to lose hope

My fiance (together 6 years, engaged for 6 months) broke up with me at the start of April. I know we all say it but it was completely out the blue. He had become distant in the few weeks before, so much so that I almost left, only for him to tell me how much he loved me and blamed his behaviour on his head ‘being a mess’. After that, things were really good for a couple weeks. Then he went on a night out and I barely heard from him the next day. It was so out of character that I returned to our home to have it out with him. He said we had been arguing lots recently, which wasn’t true and that I didnt love him enough and that i was unhappy in the relationship, again, not true. I thought there must be more to it and he finally admitted texting someone from work for a few weeks and that he kissed her that day. After this I left the house. We met a couple days later where he then said I had loved him too much and that he didnt think he could love me the right way and needed to be alone. We saw each almost weekly for a month as we sorted out selling our house and I got a lot of mixed messages and he was very touchy and said how much he loved me and missed me. Nearly everytime I’ve seen him he has been a mess, even prompting him to say I’m doing better! He assures me he does not want a relationship with this woman (she is married) and he hasn’t spoken to her since. He said it could have been any girl and he was just chasing a feeling. He said it was a wake up call because he felt we had lost our spark and he found it with her (hard to hear!). He says he will always love me and fancy me but does not want to try and doesn’t think our problems (he hasn’t told me what these our) can be fixed. I told him we should stop seeing each other and talking as much and he was devastated and asked if we could continue to see each other but I said it wouldn’t help. Limited to no contact for over 2 weeks now. I felt like I was in a much better place and when we were talking re house stuff I asked if he would want to meet up this weeknd but he said he would love to but had too much work on. I will see him tomorrow briefly as he is dropping stuff off at the house.
Writing this out it makes me realise there is probably no chance for us.
Despite all the mixed messages I’m thinking he is more than likely leaving me for this other woman, just can’t tell me. I’m doing things for me, I instigated putting the house on the market. I’ve put in a transfer request and booked a holiday. He is still telling me that he is crying at his desk and not happy. Has anyone come back from something this hopeless?

There is always a chance. It is good that you are doing things for yourself and building yourself back up again. I would continue no contact and that means not asking to meet up with him, only talking to him when necessary and not initiating contact with him.

He says he is not happy well then he needs to feel the breakup and he needs to miss you.

Stay strong.

Thankyou,i am trying and i am proud of what i have achieved so far.

Its almost like he is starting to blame me for the break up with the way he is acting. I am seeing him today but after that i will go back to NC.

Good. Keep us posted :slight_smile:

He came over, he was in a rush because he was on his way to a meeting but when I said he can just drop the stuff and go he insisted he wanted to see me first. He said I looked good, a couple times. I commented on how he looked better but he said he wasn’t, he was just superbusy and proceeded to tell me how stressful work was. He said it was good to see me and that he wished he could stay longer. He hugged me and kissed my cheek and started to cry. I didnt cry and kept it light. Hoping this is a good sign that 6 weeks on he still gets sad when he sees me. But I worry due to work he never has any time to think about us. He is away this weekend seeing a friend but i dont think this friend would encourage him to get back with me.

That is a good sign that he gets emotional when he sees you. You don’t forget anyone after a 6 year relationship that easily and the fact that he wants to see you is a good sign that he is not too busy to think of you.

NC is indeed an emotional roller coaster and your mind plays tricks on you. But if he is busy then he won’t have time to try and find someone new. Keep at it. It will get easier.

Thank you for your support but i think im ready to call it now. He text me a bit after because we are selling the house and he had some questions and offered to come round to do the garden at the weekend. I said that would be good and then he said he would only come if required and said he was not sure when he could. He doesnt want to see me or be at the house. That is very clear and i dont think any NC will bring him round.

I will still do NC anyway and do things for yourself. Go on that holiday and enjoy yourself. How long is the holiday for and where are you going?

I will still do NC, he never messages me so it should be easy, ha! I just wish he didnt seem so cut up about it. I suppose i was silly to think if it was his decision to split it would be easier for him.

Im going to Italy in a few months for a week, which will be a nice break.

It is good that he is emotional about it. It means that he still cares. I thought that my ex made the decision easily but I have come to realize that it was not a decision made on a whim.

Yes enjoy yourself. Post some photos on social media about how good your life is.

There’s only so long you let yourself be made to feel worthless. I’ve gone no contact and I’m still in touch with my ex but I’ve got my self esteem back and my friends made me realise I’m a great bloke and I’m sure you are too so make yourself happy again

I probably sound worse than i am, i can see that i will be ok without him and i have great support. I feel so much better than i did and i dont want to go back to the relationship that we had. Because i have had time alone to reflect, i have realised i still would like to be with him in the future. Once the house is sold, i struggle to see a way back as i will move away.

Go get it girl you’re amazing and someone who deserves you will see that. All my friends have made me realise this about myself and they’re right. I’m not a cheat or abusive or anything bad at all and neither are you so remember that and take control of your world and rock it

Thank you! I like to think when the time is right, i will meet someone else. But i spent all night thinking about him and what i could have done differently. I know i cant say any of this and need to go NC for at least a couple weeks before i reach out to him again. But i just feel its hopeless, yes he gets emotional but why does he never contact me or try to see me if he was having doubts? And would he be keen for the house sale if he thought he would regret it later? He does seem to find the sale shocking and has said it is moving too fast.

Yes I do think you need to go NC to figure whether or not you want to pursue this.

Yes it seems hopeless now, I certainly know how that feels, but people can be stubborn simply because they don’t want to look foolish or shown to be wrong, even when it makes no sense. He, himself followed a feeling when it made no sense at all. Emotions and feelings can do strange things to us.

The fact the he finds the sale shocking or too fast proves that. But like Lee said you should be with someone who deserves you and, if it is to be this guy, when you need to give him space to sort himself out.

You are so right, that was just what i needed! Ok, resolve is slowly coming back. NC just seems like it gives them time to get over you not miss you but i know that its for me to get stronger.

It does seem counter-intuitive but the grass is not always greener on the other side and NC gives them the opportunity to have a glimpse of that. But it sounds like he already has that and doesn’t like it.

Well considering i didnt think i would hear from him for a while, he messaged to say he will come over in a couple weekends to do house jobs. He also suggested i call him today re house stuff and i played it cool and said i wouldnt ring but he can which he said he will. Guess we will see. Thanks for all the support and letting me vent!

That’s what we are here for. Keep us posted :slight_smile:

We chatted on the phone for a little while and it was a bit awkward in parts but generally good and we laughed and he messaged after to say it was nice and asked to meet up next week for coffee. He has a messaged a little since, which is unheard of recently. Its positive as long as i am not being friend zoned, ha