I mean why would he even contact me? He unfollowed me on Instagram and now he all of the sudden (again) wants to talk. I don’t know if I can talk to him… I mean after the past seven months…after having a great past weeks, and then he flat out ignores me on Saturday…why should I talk to him?.. So he can shut me down and crush my heart again? We’ve talked so much already. Where are the conclusions? If we came to one, we wouldn’t be here today.
What would you do?
If you don’t want to talk to him or don’t think he deserves it, then don’t talk to him. That’s what I would do. I would only talk to him if you feel like he deserves it or he has something meaningful to say or you want to talk to him. You could say exactly to him what you just said to me?
That may just start a fight. The last thing I need to do is say anything like that to him. After everything… I figured after unfollowing me on IG he wouldn’t reach out at all. I don’t understand why now.
Do you think NC is still my best route?..
Probably because he didn’t get a response from you when he last texted you and he didn’t get a response after the instagram thing. He clearly wants to talk to you. I think NC is your best route if you think it is. I’m sorry if that’s not overly helpful. I just think this is one of those decisions where you have to make the decision that is best for you, and I can’t tell you what that is unfortunately.
I can’t make the choice… Can you give me like alternate options and what the outcomes would be? Haha! I’m sorry, but I just feel so guilty.
My friend did she that he didn’t care when he did it to me, and that I am doing the right thing.
My friend said that in my case, silence is louder than words. It is the only way it will grab his attention.
She feels this way because I always jump right into it. Whatever he says. Whatever he wants. I am there. I listen. I show that I love him and I care about him and that I’m not going anywhere… He made me feel at points that he didn’t love me or care of any of that.
I feel like the actual shock of losing me, is my best bet…
I’m so sorry I didn’t answer this! I had to head off to work and just got home! What ended up happening?
I completely agree with the shock of him losing you is the best bet. I kinda figured he would reach out again at some point soon. I wasn’t expecting this soon. I also wasn’t expecting it to be something as lame as “Can we talk?”. I do want you to remember what we discussed about looking at what he’s selling and decide when/if you want to buy in. “Can we talk?” isn’t a good text to buy in on, but it does cause me to worry for you. Allow me to explain.
I want to share that about month ago, I was in a very similar position as you right now. My ex sent me a very convincing text that I was 50/50 on responding to. You’ve actually read my own thread about this already. I came to the conclusion that if she was single I would reply, but I refused to check her FB because I knew there were things which would set me back/make me weaker. I had a friend check for me instead and of course found out she was still with the guy.
I’m telling you this because the curiosity of me wanting to know her intentions regarding that text literally was driving me crazy for the next few weeks. I had this feeling of regret like I should of responded. I also got strong feelings that made me feel awful for ignoring her. Similar to how you felt after receiving this text. However, her still playing games between me and that guy really pissed me off so that is what kept me strong. Presently, I no longer regret not texting her back and was able to recover.
I’m in no way suggesting towards you breaking NC here, but I just wanted you to know that it literally dug at me for weeks where I was non stop thinking things like:
“Maybe I should of contacted her back.”
and
“Is it too late for me to find out if she really wanted to get back together?”
It came to the point where it might of been an overall less painful process for me to go LC in this situation. I sometimes think it wouldn’t of been a bad idea to send back something like “We can talk, but only if it’s in regards to reconciliation. Otherwise I’m not interested”. I feel this could work for you too. This way your ex would have to text back and say what his true intentions are, and if its not what you want to hear, you can go right back to NC. The only issue is it shows him that you would still consider getting back together, but it might be worth the risk if you’re afraid this “Can we talk?” is regarding you two getting back together.
All I’m saying is if you think its going to pick at you, like it did me for weeks, LC might not be a bad option here. The goal is for you to heal and its hard to do that when they are playing head games that make you question yourself everyday for awhile. If you could care less about him wanting to talk, by all means, stick to NC and see what he has up his sleeve next. The way he’s been going something more intense could be right around the corner. 
It can’t be about reconciliation, which is why I haven’t talked to him. If I send him that text, I risk myself getting hurt and again give him power.
If it was about reconciliation, he wouldn’t have deliberately ignored me all day Saturday, he wouldn’t text me “We need to talk…” the night after, he wouldn’t have waited the following night after my response saying “you up”, and he wouldn’t have unfollowed me on IG. It would be different if there was a “what if” in this situation. You know? 
Yeah I know we had a good couple weeks before then, but I did have this feeling that he was going to do this again. Everything was on his terms. For this many hours. He’d text me when he’d want to. I cried all the time when I wouldn’t hear from him… I felt so worthless. But that was all part of his game…
Let’s just say after everything he put me through, this is consequence of all of his actions. Not just these past few days. You have to learn a lesson from the mistakes you have made in the past, and he has got to learn from this. I never left. I never gave him that opportunity to learn and to see what he was doing wrong. He already knew he was doing some wrong things, but he never thought it would lead to losing me.
I feel that may be why he texted me again. Because I didn’t respond and it scared him, so he figured he could contact me when he knew I was awake and when he knew I would respond. Well, I bet it practically shocked the shit out of him that I didn’t respond again. Also, again he called me on his timing. He “wanted to talk” on his 30 minute lunch break. Not before work. Not after work. So he hasn’t taken it seriously yet. I bet if I did go to talk to him, we would end up talking about something else and everything would be “fine”. He only gave us 30 minutes to talk. Do you see what I mean?
That’s why I feel that NC is good. I feel that him realizing he lost me (in actuality he did) is the only way that it is going to make him realize what he has done wrong, how he needed to appreciate me, and how he needs to do something about it before losing me forever.
Correct me if I am wrong in any way?
@between1standa I never responded!
Thank you for the update. Reading all of this gave me a good sense of where you’re at. I think you made a good decision if, like KPowers said, you can live with it. You obviously don’t need to stay completely out of contact if it’s going to be worse for YOU in the long run, but since I don’t think that’s the case, I think you made a great decision.
Work yesterday led to a bunch of incidents and since I just woke up and have to go on a double TODAY and TOMORROW with him, I’m kind of freaking out. I’m going to post my update on my page but would you please, please, please read it? One or both of you? Anyone? I feel super desperate but I need to get myself together before I have to leave and can’t talk to you guys all day.
Yes I will!
So you do think I am doing the right thing?
I think that you 100% did the right thing unless you’re having regrets. Then you really need to check in with yourself and figure out what you need to do that will make you feel better. If you’re totally okay, then I think you did splendidly! You’re not falling into his hands and doing exactly what he wants you to do. That’s really the key thing. You’re keeping control!
I don’t know if this sounds mean or not…but the reason I have no regrets with this is because I tries and gave it my all for 7 months, INCLUDING my relationship… I gave it my all and did the best I could. What’s the point in regretting if he didn’t do the same? He didn’t do the same and it just proves that as of right now I don’t have something to hold on to. I guess acceptance has made it easier.
I just feel guilty for ignoring him because I love him enough to still respect him. But I just feel any form of contact or showing that I care is just going to give him the power once more.
But like I said, I hope this works 
That doesn’t sound remotely mean at all. I actually think that shows you’ve made a lot of progress and that you have a lot of strength. You recognize that you’ve done all you can and that you’re worth more than having to continually be both in and out because of the way he acts.
That being said, don’t feel guilty. Not talking to him has nothing to do with disrespecting him. It’s all about respecting yourself and doing what you need to do. You’re respecting yourself enough to take your power back and be strong.
All in all, it’ll take time, but he still keeps going out of his way to contact you. That says something. My ex just gets pouty and silent because he thinks I’m rejecting, which I sort of am, so at least your guy is missing you enough to want to check in 
They’re both still idiots, but that’s a silver lining I guess.
My whole thing is, everyone has different logics and different ways of handling things. I understand that, but it just comes to the point where people need to come on some level of agreement.
I’m not doing this for “payback” or “revenge”, I’m doing this for a positive reaction on both ends. What I’m hoping from this is to become stronger and move forward, not move on. For him, I am hoping that this will open his eyes up to not just me, but to a lot of other things. I know losing someone that has meaning to you, can really make you evaluate your life over time.
So one week (this week) he is probably thinking that I will contact him sooner than later. Then I expect his next reaction to be hateful or “oh I don’t care I can do just fine without her”. Then, “oh shit…maybe I really did lose her”. And then “I guess I will never know…”
I feel like this is playing a game, but I don’t think it is. I am protecting myself and bettering myself. I am also protecting him and teaching him consequences. I have taught him a lot since we’ve been together, and I stick strong in looking out for him and reassuring him to do the right thing, and to me, I’m giving him that by being silent.
So I’m doing it for my selfworth and strength, to get him back and to show him I’m the one, and to show him the consequences of taking advantage of people who really care about you.
Does that sound wrong?
As long as you’re confident in yourself, then you’re doing the best thing you can do by staying NC. He needs to learn that he had things really good with you and that he lost an awesome girl in the process. I’m glad you didn’t sell out on that last text and you can read what he’s trying to do, because that will be important for you later when he attempts to reach out again.
That’s a very good point. I see exactly what you mean. If he’s going to attempt to reconcile he would give it more than 30 minutes time. I don’t feel like your thought process is wrong in anyway. Keep doing what you’re doing Ellie. You have a really good head on your shoulders.
“I just feel guilty for ignoring him because I love him enough to still respect him. But I just feel any form of contact or showing that I care is just going to give him the power once more.”
I had those same exactly guilty feeling, for a while too. That’s why I felt the need to address that in my last post. I eventually was able to accept not breaking NC was the best option for a healthy reconciliation and I can’t let this guilt make me second guess that anymore.
The text I received was one of those “what if” situations you were referring too earlier. I needed to remind myself consistently that if she thought I was the one, she would try harder. If what she sent was the best she can do I wouldn’t bet on the odds of us working out in the long run.
It’s important to me that I don’t waste any more time than I already have on her. She doesn’t seem to be trying to become a better person and learn from her mistakes. That’s the big thing. You have already invested so much time into this relationship. You want to make sure you nor him are returning just for nothing to change.
That doesn’t sound wrong at all. You’re not alone there. You and I have the same expectations from NC and as long as our intentions are goods there is nothing wrong about it.
@KPowers1192 You are literally speaking like me. I am sorry you have to deal with a similar situation.
I mean, if right now neither of them are trying to better themselves and we have gone above and beyond for them, the next possible thing we can both do is just stop. I mean it isn’t like we don’t care, but we are throwing ourselves into this unhealthy cycle that will never end until someone has to put an end to it.
I never thought I would have to make the final call. Yeah he technically broke up with me (even though it some ways it was mutual), but I ended it for good. Him going out, partying, sleeping and having relations with other women, doing whatever he wants, yet still dragging me along is not ending anything. It wasn’t even moving on and I told him that. I was honest with him and told him that all the things that he does has not proven to me or anyone else that he has moved on. Then we get as far as being happy together, and bam! That shows he hasn’t moved on but that also shows he hasn’t grown.
Also, I noticed how he worded his sentence as “breaks at 530 if you want to talk”. It wasn’t about we talking or him wanting to talk to me (even though it is very apparent that that’s what it was, he never said it like that though). I’m assuming he worded it that way in some form of protection? I’m not sure.
I can’t grow and become someone by being dragged down by someone else. I love him more than anything and I would do anything for him. He is still everything to me. I am even contacting his step mother tomorrow and telling her to contact me if something ever happens to him. So yes, I do care. But I cannot and will not be torn down again when I have so much to live for.
I really do hope that this will impact him in a positive way. I hope it makes him think, and I hope it forms some kind of change in his life. I know at one point I meant everything to him. Maybe he will see that again… What do you think?
I am also sorry you have to go through this. It’s a situation I don’t wish on anybody.
It sucks to have to be the one to make the final call. It can make you think for a split second that you’re the one giving up. Not saying you are doing this, but if you are don’t think like that because it’s not true. When you look at facts, you’re the one who has always been committed and he is the one who keeps leaving and coming back.
I am surprised he brought up talking a third time. Clearly he’s the one who has something to say. I’m also not sure as to what he’s trying to do with that.
I’m not familiar with how close you and his step mother are, but I would advise you to be careful as this may open some type of door. If the step mom consults him about you talking to her, especially about him, that may give him a slight ego boost and conflict with him visualizing losing you for good. Maybe his cousin would be a better option as you said she was your best friend? If you are concerned about his well-being and don’t think it’s will negatively impact your NC, then I say go for it regardless of step mom or cousin.
Even right now, I do know that you mean something to him. There’s a good chance he will see that you are everything to him at some point. The problem could be he sees this off and on which leads to these unhealthy cycles. It could be a matter of things though. I’m hoping in your situation that NC helps him accept his feelings for you and realize he can’t keep leaving and coming back. When he figures out that you’re not going to wait around on him, this will force him to figure it out what it is he wants. This is why I think NC is your best bet. For your your own health and to help him grow and search his feelings.
Ooh you’re right that our situations are similar!! It sounds like he wants you but not the pressures of a relationship and commitment. Like with the whole calling you after work thing, he probably thinks you got annoyed because you’re still more than friends and that if you were just friends that you wouldn’t be bothered. But it doesnt actually sound like you can be friends to be honest, with some people it just doesnt work and the connection is too strong. I personally think staying friends in your situation is just staying close so you can live your lives before inevitably getting back together, which is good or bad depending on what you want!
No contact will help if you want to shake up the dynamics and do things on your time now instead. But the only thing I would say is, do you really want to go through NC without knowing what’s going on or would you rather talk and actually know? You may get closure or a better understanding of the situation so that you can figure out the best thing to do
Good luck!!!
Hey @ellie, I agree with everyone here. NC seems like your best bet of getting him back. This way he will be forced to figure out what he wants at some point. He knows about your feelings for him, and that you wanted this relationship to work out. So it really is up to him now to realize what he wants and make a move to get you back. I’m sure he will keep contacting you. And you are right about this last message, If he wanted to reconcile he wouldn’t send a message when he has only 30 minutes to talk about it all. Wait to see what his next move. And don’t feel guilty about the NC! I know what it feels like, but in your situation I think it would be best at the moment. It will make you stronger knowing that you are the one right now in control, let him come to you and I believe he’ll eventually realize what he wants.