Should I just go back to contact or what?

reconciliation
1

I’ve posted on here numerous amounts of times. I have gotten great advice and really enjoyed it. So I decided not to give every detail of my story just because at this point what does it matter? If you wish to receive more insight, feel free to look at my older posts, but you definitely don’t have to! Haha :slight_smile:

Anyways, my ex and I dated for 3 year . We were each others first loves, best friends, and high school sweethearts. We were very close. We grew up together throughout high school. One of the biggest reasons for the break up probably was how young we were and how we never really lived a part. We have been broken up for about 7 months now and it has just been back and forth for him. Ins and outs of NC.

To sum it all up he basically wants his freedom. When we were broken up, he slept with 2 of his bosses and kept seeing one of them for a while. (Even though they got in trouble for it). He would “use” me per say, but I don’t consider it using really. However, he would tell me that he wants me in hks future, and I still believe him to this day because (not to be conceited repeating what everyone says, including his family and himself) he won’t find anyone better than me. (Gosh I even hate saying that…) We got into a massive fight about 2 months ago. He said the most horrible things. After that fight I stopped talking to him completely. He sent me this long apology message and said we had to go our separate ways and that he hopes I can forgive him and hopes I don’t hate him. I never responded and he called me every single day about 10 times. I never answered once until he called my mom. Then we finally talked a little and things became good. He started confiding in me. Then one day he texted me and told me how I am still his best friend, even after not being together and how weird things have been, I was still his best friend and he had to let me go because he wants me to experience what he got to and that he hopes to catch me if it isn’t too late. Well, we agreed to meet and say goodbye in person, of course that never happened. We became even closer. He started telling me he loved me. We kissed, hugged, held hands once in a while, were intamite, and we had so much fun together. He began really opening up to me and we got close.

Well last week we had a good day together and then he would call me every day and we would talk and he would confide in me and tell me all these plans that he had. Ever since we have been like this everything is on his timing and it is time limited and we would only see each other once or twice a week, which is fine because we aren’t dating Even with that though he if he mentioned a girl he would reassure me that it was nothing and also he would mention how much he was trying (he was really proud of himself).

Last Friday he told me he worked 2-10 and said he would call me after work. Well 11 hit and I just texted him “Goodnight” I got a voicemail from him saying “I told you I would call you after work, I worked 3-11. Well I guess you’re asleep now. Goodnight. I love you.” I sent him an apology text in the morning and he never responded. Then I asked him if he wanted to grab lunch, no response. So I finally just said “I’m taking that as a no. Have a good day!” No response all day. He was off that day (Saturday) and he did have his phone on him. So he was flat out ignoring me. Well I didn’t hear from him Sunday but he worked 4-1. He texted me around 1 and said “we need to talk…” I responded later that morning saying “yes we do. We can either get together tonight or something tomorrow because I’m off. I’d rather get this done and over with instead of prolonging it.” Haven’t heard from him since.

Assuming that I may hear from him, should I respond to him or even try to get together with him? Or should I just go directly into NC. At this point its become clear that he still doesn’t know what he wants, and I have just been hurting for so long that I don’t think I can take it anymore. What would be more affective? Saying goodbye through convo, or NC?

2

Wow… Hum… yeah I would say go back to no contact. In the meantime try to not let it affect sweetie. I don’t think this is over at all. He will say something again, I’m sure. But please don’t let it affect your emotional well being I know it hasnt been easy for you. Be strong and keep me updated *

3

I know right?! It is definitely a sticky situation! There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me! But he obviously cannot make up his mind on whether or not he wants to be with me or keep having his one night stands and partying. At our age, its normal and I completely understand. But I love him and I have been loyal til this day.

I was crying so hard all day today. Like how I was when we first broke up. Then the more I thought about it, the more I was like “should we even meet up? or should I just go to nc?”
If we meet up all he is going to do is push me away. I have said everything I needed to say multiple times. He knows I love him. He knows that I have his back. What’s crazy is he confided in me all last week and called me every night and now this. So us talking may end up in either leaving me in complete heartbreak or us just keep being “friends” and I keep getting hurt. I feel like agreeing to talk to him would give him the ego boost that he rejected me once more.

With NC it may work wonders. How do you think NC would impact this?

4

Hun, I think you need to maybe get strong again. I know you you love him, but have you considered it might be better for you two to be separate for a bit longer? For your own sake. This isn’t being good for you. Did you ever get to the point of feeling you don’t need him anymore?

I do think you should go with no contact, and start moving on. Don’t hold on to it anymore sweetie. And once he tries to get back or close again, be reluctant.m Don’t let him come and go whenever he wants to. Make him fight for you. Otherwise he might do what he has been doing. If you meet up now I think it won’t be good for your relationship and your well being

No contact in my opinion will make him realize what he has been doing, will make him think, and he will think he might have lost you for good and start apreciate you

5

@kaila You’re completely right. I have been able to give myself the opportunity to realize that I can do better and that I can live without him…but then I always held on to that hope so tightly that it stopped me from completely moving on… I think it would be best for us to separate a bit longer… Honestly the past couple of weeks have been wonderful for us. So I was thinking that maybe starting now would be a good idea because he will have some good memories. What do you think? Like I said it wasn’t even a week ago when he opened up to me. That had to have meant something right, since he is such a closed up person? It is like I have gotten to that point of feeling like I don’t need him anymore and I want him so bad that it just overcomes that…

However I am ready to move on. I still want him dearly and I want him to realize and appreciate once again, but I also have to at least move on to the point where I won’t care whether he does or doesn’t… By explaining to you everything, do you think he really does care and this will have a major impact on him?

6

It’s definitely weird that he never responded after your apology and several texts after that. When you finally do get a reply, its an “We need to talk” text. He does care for you, but he sounds like he would be a good match for my ex. They really do care but they need to grow up and realize they can only have one person.

I would say go NC if you’re confident in your assumption. If he can’t make his mind up on whether he does or doesn’t want you. I wouldn’t have any intention in talking to him. That’s not fair for you. It’s going to mess with his head because you already agreed to meet up and you just cut him off completely.

7

He texted me last night again at 1 and said “you up” and I never responded (obviously I was sleeping). I’m not really an eye for an eye person, but he has been doing this to me for so long… He can’t make up his mind and he just keeps hurting me. I know he loves me, but these games have got to stop. It is fine to not know what you want, but not at the expense of other peoples’ feelings…

I know it will have something to do with letting me go. Probably what happened is we got too happy too fast and now he is rethinking it all because he may lose his “freedom” or whatever. Idk. He has just done this to me so much. He needs to realize that it’s not okay.

So you think sticking to NC all the way will do the trick? Do you think that since we had a good week last week that’ll help with the NC impact?

8

Don’t worry as long as you’re sure that he loves you, he’a just confused and doesn’t know what he wants, that’s why you should stop contacting him at least for a month and he will miss and knows that he still wants you. Good luck

9

That’s a really good sign if he’s already initiating conversation. No closure on your end is playing in your favor. Definitely don’t settle for a “you up” text. That means he is expecting a response. Once it processes that you’re not putting up with his games anymore, he will likely take greater actions and sell you something far more than a “you up” text. It’s up to you when and if you choose to buy in though. He’s clearly thinking about you already so you will probably get something like that sooner rather than later. I’d stick out NC until you see something from him that indicates you are definitely what he wants. That’s just me, but I feel like it depends on how you feel and what you want to see from him to consider trying again.

A lot of people told me the only way I should ever break NC is if my ex either shows up at my door or says the words “I want you back”. I feel like the reason they say that is because if that person truly loves you they will do whatever it takes to be with you. I don’t 100% agree with them because I feel like if the ex is continuously making effort to reach out then you need to decide when the correct time to step in or else they may truly think you just don’t want to talk to them ever again, unless you’re okay with that result.

I think NC will work in your situation. I also think having a good last week together will no doubt play in your favor. Those are the first memories he’s going to be look back at when trying to figure out why you’re not responding. You’re doing the right thing. I would just think of your expectations for him if he is to win you back. Not like superman flying over to your window confessing his love to you, but the minimum you want to see from him. That’s where I think you should set the bar.

10

So I was just on Instagram and the picture he posted on Saturday of him at the festival is now on Instagram. I only have an Instagram, but I knew he posted that pic everywhere else because my friends told me. Should I like it or anything? Or just leave it?

11

I posted in response to your response earlier but I guess it didn’t go through? I agree with you about the whole breaking of NC thing. I am completely truly in love with my ex but I will not go and tell him I want him back on his door step! Realistically speaking, no one will do that, only some! So I completely agree!

But his best friend is coming home from college this weekend (along with other people that he may have hooked up with while visiting his best friend idk). Should I be worried that that is going to impact everything that is going on between us? Like he will get over me just because they are there?

The thing I am most scared of is that he will get over me and forget about me. And that we will never talk again… When I saw that picture though it didn’t really bother me, it just made me think “is he trying to get my attention?”.

I don’t know where I should set the bar because this has been going on for soooo long. Now things are great between us, but he is starting this all over again. How should I even set the bar?

The thing that I do respect in our situation is that he never sugar coats anything, so I guess that’s a plus!

12

People will probably disagree with me because social media is technically included in NC, but if you really like the photo and feel that publicly “liking” it is the right thing to do, I would just do it. Maybe it’s just because I like about a million different posts a day on facebook, but to me, that doesn’t seem like something that’s going to make your ex think you’re incredibly clingy or pining for him.

I honestly wouldn’t worry about his best friend either. I know that’s way easier said than done. The way I see it is that if his best friend coming home has the power to make or break whatever is currently going on with you, you probably don’t want to be with this guy and his cruddy friends anyways. I also hope you don’t take this the wrong way or too harshly but “will he get over me just because they are here?” doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. I mean that in the best way, hoping that you won’t worry about it. If he’s not completely over you at this point, I fail to see how his friends are going to make it so. They’re not involved in your relationship in any way so unless they’re completely jerks who have a hidden agenda to keep him broken up with you, they shouldn’t play into it at all.

You set the bar wherever you’re comfortable, regardless of how great or terrible things are at the moment. You have to know what you will accept in terms of behavior and respect, and what you absolutely won’t. Once you know those things, it’s just a matter of whether he does them or not. Stick to your guns and don’t let anyone treat you poorly.

And if you wouldn’t mind, would you check out my post? I’m in need of some advice as well… https://www.forum.exbackpermanently.com/boards/topic/this-clearly-isnt-a-typical-break-up-so-what-do-i-do/

13

@between1standa It isn’t that I like the picture, but just like you said about liking a bunch of peoples’ pictures! I do it all the time and it is a habit! The picture is honestly ridiculous and immature. But since he is someone I care about, I feel the need to like it, but I probably won’t.

I completely understand where you are coming from when I asked that question! I’m just nervous you know? I guess because his friend is a distraction and whoever else comes home that he hung out with while we were broken up (including girls), I feel like he will just be like “I got all this, I don’t need her”. That’s probably not the case, but I feel like that’s how guys can be… I don’t know! Correct me if I am wrong! Distractions are distractions, I understand that, but I just don’t want him to forget me…

Should I just stick it out for the full month or longer?

I sure will answer your question!

14

Your response went through. Thank you. :slight_smile: I’m glad you suggested I check out your story because it has so many similarities to mine its ridiculous… It sickened me because it made me revisit all the unfaithful things my ex had done to me.

Exactly, someone can have crazy feelings for you, but they don’t want to look crazy by coming over and knocking on your door when there’s a chance you won’t be home, even more awkward if someone else besides them is home.

No that won’t impact his feelings for you at all. You spent 3 years with him. He’s not erasing that overnight. I can’t even forget about my ex for an hour and we’ve been broken up for almost 3 months.

I won’t lie, I’ve met girls since our break up who can briefly get my mind off of her, but as soon as we go separate ways its right back to thinking about the ex. The feelings and memories just don’t disappear.

15

We were so close. It is just so scary. But we’ve been broken up for 7 months. He basically wants his cake and eat it too. He wants me but not like that right now. He was never unfaithful when we were together (at least I don’t think so but like I said we were together nonstop) but as soon as we broke up he just went kind of wild.

He did tell his cousin once that he has yet to find anyone that compares to me but I’m too much of a “good girl”. Which I have changed a little and eased up and have gone to a few parties (don’t really drink though). I just think it is nice just to relax! I think it is more fun! But we are at that age I guess.

I don’t judge what he has done since we’ve broken up even though it does hurt. But he is single, he can do whatever he wants. I’m single as well, yet I still was fully committed since we have been broken up.

I’ve finally decided to change that though. If I am doing NC I have finally decided to go back into the dating world. Is that bad?

I was his first love… He always says “I don’t regret anything because at the time it was the right thing to do”. So it scares me that he will never regret any of this…

16

Ellie, I think he loves you, but he wants to be free right now. Still he is afraid of you being with someone else. To be honest, I was by myself for 3 years, from 20 to 23. And it’s great! I loved being by myself so whenever I see that is a problem… it’s hard for me. Cause I understand. Even today when my guy said he was alone 4 months and loved it, I totally understand. It does feel great. And that makes me apreciate even more the fact he is back

Also, one thing I noticed before is you seem like you need validation from him, don’t take this as an offense please :confused: what I want you to know is you don’t need anyones validation or acceptance! If he eventually just moves on, it doesn’t mean you are anything less! Please realize this. And if you see this isn’t really good for you, don’t settle! Get someone that will truly make you feel great and good emotionally, someone you won’t feel like you are settling for :slight_smile:

Things will work out at the end. You will either get back in the near future, or maybe some months or even a year or more down the line when you are both ready, or you will find someone that is in fact good for you. Also being by yourself maybe wouldn’t be a bad idea. It makes us grow, be more independent, and when THAT person appears (or a grown up ex) you will then decide to invest in it, after you have decided to invest in yourself :slight_smile:

17

@kaila Oh I know! I COMPLETELY understand and agree and respect that he wants that! Because honestly I LOVE the single life as well! It is just that he played games… Even if they were unintentional, he messed with my feelings and emotions and it never gave me the opportunity to fully move on and grasp the acceptance.

I am a people pleaser and when I don’t please someone, it damages my selfesteem. So when he doesn’t want me, it hurts my self esteem. However, I have been really working on that!

It is just hard to see or comprehend why my best friend, my first love, and the person I grew up with, doesn’t want me after he wanted me for so long… He was the one that planned our future, talked about marriage, talked about our kids. 2 days before we broke up he was talking about getting engaged!

I have just gotten to the point where I have accepted that he doesn’t want to be with me. So I feel like I am wasting my time with even speaking to him. Why should I? He doesn’t want me.

I hope it is understanding :frowning:

18

He never contacted me last night, is that expected?

19

That’s all right. He probably realizes you’re upset and doesn’t know his next move at the time. What’s the longest you two have ever been NC?

20

Its been like on and off. Like we will be on NC for a couple weeks and then we would text each other here and there. We did that for months. So we never did full fledge, and I was never the one to really start it.

He is a very stubborn person, so at this point he may just be like “fine if she isn’t talking to me, I won’t talk to her”. And he’s probably thinking that I will contact him soon, which I won’t.

If he loves me though and if I kind of dropped off the face of the earth, do you think he will contact me sooner or later?